This won't be easy...

[Martha Ferris]

I'm am where you are in a lot of ways. I try to "behave", or act acceptably to fit in, more than I feel free to do what I would like or say what pops into my head. I have to censor what I say so I don't catch a bunch of flak. It is almost like I haven't grown up in some ways. Like playing with fireworks, I love to do that, but people are like, "Fireworks are for kids!" So I don't. Know what I mean?

You mentioned that you have trouble dealing with sensory overload. That may be that you're personality. There are extroverted people who talk like a mile a minute, and introverted people who are quite and would rather be alone most of the time, but still like to socialize. Extroverted people talk to deal with problems and stress, while us introverts need to be alone to deal with stress and problems. I have a major problem with sensory overload, I scored high on the introvert scale. There is a website where you can see what your personality type is. It helped me a lot to figure out that is half my situation to deal with, Aspies is the other half. Check out 16Personalities.com they have a website that figured out there are basically 16 personality types and have tons of information on how you can work with the one you fit in with. I am an INTJ, only 2% of the population have my personality type!

Best Wishes!

You are very wise Martha. Up until now, all I have really known were NAs, who were NOT meeting my needs or wants. That explains it in a nut shell. Thank you! I will still communicate, "get along" with NA's but for my personal friendships and relationship, I will stick with an Aspie. I think that people need to listen and understand what our needs and wants are to meet them, and perceive the ones that are not spoken. How can that happen with a NA? I just am not sure it can. I guess it could, but they would have to be a super special person!

Re: other posts here- I am an INFJ. My son is INTJ.

I understand NTs but I can't relate to them. It is like we are on different wave lengths. In so many of my relationships I have had to ask myself if I am speaking a foreign language because my significant others (NT) at the time could not seem to understand what I was saying.

I just accepted that I am on the spectrum and the tests I have taken confirm it. That makes three out of four of my parent's children who are on the spectrum but we are each very different.

In my last relationship I think I was involved with someone on the spectrum as well but he was much more affected by it and his issues (not just ASD) contributed to our not being able to be together. Long before I had ever heard of autism I knew I thought and processed information differently than other people. Having always been on the outside I like to think that I am more tolerant of other peoples differences and that I try to accommodate those differences to a certain extent but I can't/won't accept certain behaviors such as passive agressiveness, lies and revenge. My relationship with this person was the longest he has ever had and I suspect ever will have.

I joined this site in hopes of finding others that would be tolerant of my differences and the way my mind works. I am glad to have met you.

 

[Au Naturel]

Wow, that is super fantastic. INTJ Aspies?? Wow! I don't know if you remember the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer movie on TV that used to come every Christmas for Decades... But in the story, Rudolph was picked on for having a different nose. All the other reindeer would laugh and call him names... as the story goes he was not allowed to play in any reindeer games, just like me not being able to fit in, he struck out on his own to find his own way through life. Well, he found the "Island of Misfit Toys". Where all the toys that the kids didn't want would go. There was a Charlie in the Box, a train with square wheels, a doll with an eye missing, geeze I can't remember them all, but there were all these toys that were on the Island of Misfit Toys, where they were happy to belong with each other.

That is what I feel like I have found here. I never fit in anywhere, as soon as I did, I would say something and poof, I was scorned. I appreciate being here, and finding my tribe as it were. Thank you for your reply. If you ever want someone to talk to, please send me a conversation, and I will be happy to respond!

I am INTP myself. I think the perceiving part is what makes life bearable for me.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

MY former best friend was an INTJ. worked in university physics lab could fix anything. passed away a few years ago think he was a fellow Aspie. Unable to find friend to replace him. we worked together for years before we both moved on.

 

[Mis-fit]

Re: other posts here- I am an INFJ. My son is INTJ.

I understand NTs but I can't relate to them. It is like we are on different wave lengths. In so many of my relationships I have had to ask myself if I am speaking a foreign language because my significant others (NT) at the time could not seem to understand what I was saying.

I just accepted that I am on the spectrum and the tests I have taken confirm it. That makes three out of four of my parent's children who are on the spectrum but we are each very different.

In my last relationship I think I was involved with someone on the spectrum as well but he was much more affected by it and his issues (not just ASD) contributed to our not being able to be together. Long before I had ever heard of autism I knew I thought and processed information differently than other people. Having always been on the outside I like to think that I am more tolerant of other peoples differences and that I try to accommodate those differences to a certain extent but I can't/won't accept certain behaviors such as passive agressiveness, lies and revenge. My relationship with this person was the longest he has ever had and I suspect ever will have.

I joined this site in hopes of finding others that would be tolerant of my differences and the way my mind works. I am glad to have met you.

Why thank you. It is an honor to meet you. You do have a great understanding of the differences between NT and Aspies. I will be asking my dr for the IQ Test. Is there an Aspie test as well? I haven't heard of it. But I will ask him for that one too! : )

I think the hardest thing I have time with, and it's not like I tolerate passive agressiveness, lies or revenge, but when someone is judgemental or disrespectful?? Forget it, they are out of my life it I can help it : )

I knew there was something different about me, but only used that to confirm the idea that there was something wrong with me. I now know that I "AM" different, but it is not wrong to be this way, or be myself in other words. And now I know why people have always picked on me, they don't understand me, and people shy away from, reject or criticize what they don't understand. Some of us realize that it is okay for another person to be different, but some just don't.

 

[Mis-fit]

MY former best friend was an INTJ. worked in university physics lab could fix anything. passed away a few years ago think he was a fellow Aspie. Unable to find friend to replace him. we worked together for years before we both moved on.

Have you found out what personality type you are yet? There is a site www.16Personalities.com It is very, very accurate. You may be an INTJ and not know it. It has helped me immensely to learn what I like, don't like, what helps what dosen't, what to avoid and who to avoid and this has enabled me to have much greater peace of mind. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me anymore, I am just extremely unique, like a particular diamond, no two are exactly alike. If you know what your traits are, your personal assets and liabilities, it will help you figure out who to look for as a friend.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. I hope you find another great friend like that, they make life so much more worth living! I wish I could find another Gaines. I know he is out there somewhere, someone else, but I haven't found him yet. Finding a woman INTJ who also has Aspies might be harder to find, but I will keep my hopes up. At least I know who I am looking for now : )

 

[Mis-fit]

I am INTP myself. I think the perceiving part is what makes life bearable for me.

I thought you may be an introvert too. Like me. I think introverts have a steep advantage over extroverts, but that's just me. I like being able to be independent and not feel like I have to have other people in my life if I don't want them. I guess an extrovert would say they have a steep advantage over introverts, they are better at socializing, and want to be around other people all the time anyway : )

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Have you found out what personality type you are yet? There is a site www.16Personalities.com It is very, very accurate. You may be an INTJ and not know it. It has helped me immensely to learn what I like, don't like, what helps what dosen't, what to avoid and who to avoid and this has enabled me to have much greater peace of mind. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me anymore, I am just extremely unique, like a particular diamond, no two are exactly alike. If you know what your traits are, your personal assets and liabilities, it will help you figure out who to look for as a friend.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. I hope you find another great friend like that, they make life so much more worth living! I wish I could find another Gaines. I know he is out there somewhere, someone else, but I haven't found him yet. Finding a woman INTJ who also has Aspies might be harder to find, but I will keep my hopes up. At least I know who I am looking for now : )

I got tested a few times i am an INTP.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Have another buddy left friend from college.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Why thank you. It is an honor to meet you. You do have a great understanding of the differences between NT and Aspies. I will be asking my dr for the IQ Test. Is there an Aspie test as well? I haven't heard of it. But I will ask him for that one too! : )

I think the hardest thing I have time with, and it's not like I tolerate passive agressiveness, lies or revenge, but when someone is judgemental or disrespectful?? Forget it, they are out of my life it I can help it : )

I knew there was something different about me, but only used that to confirm the idea that there was something wrong with me. I now know that I "AM" different, but it is not wrong to be this way, or be myself in other words. And now I know why people have always picked on me, they don't understand me, and people shy away from, reject or criticize what they don't understand. Some of us realize that it is okay for another person to be different, but some just don't.

We are tribal by nature. It comes from our primitive brain. With all the advances we have made over the course of our existence as human beings our brains have not changed. Our brains are wired to see anyone different from ourselves and our tribe as a potential threat.

In the past belonging to a tribe served as a means of support and protection but now, in my opinion, it will be one of the main reasons for the destruction of the species. With all of the significant challenges we face, the top one being climate change and the effects that will have, we cannot afford to be tribal if we are to survive. We must join together as one species, one tribe, to address these challenges. I don't see that happening. We can be aware of this tendency in ourselves and work to limit its influence on our actions but that takes a level of understanidng and introspection that I think few are willing to pursue.

Bullying employs this built in tribalism but also adds the quest for power by those who don't feel that they have any.

As for others behavior I like to give people opportunities to change their behavior before I cut them off but when they are aware of what they are doing and refuse to stop that behavior then they are gone from my life never to return.

I have always been attracted to those who are outside of the "norm". I find the "norm" , the ususal, quite boring and not worth my time. I have gotten myself in trouble at times with some individuals but I have also learned a lot.

I searched the internet for the tests that Drs. administer to help determine who is on the spectrum. This site offers multiple tests: Embrace Autism | The ultimate autism resource (embrace-autism.com) There are also a number of sites that offer IQ tests. I would be very selective about which site I chose and about the accuracy of the test. My score is in the mid 130s but that was verified by actual tests administered by professionals.

 

[Mis-fit]

We are tribal by nature. It comes from our primitive brain. With all the advances we have made over the course of our existence as human beings our brains have not changed. Our brains are wired to see anyone different from ourselves and our tribe as a potential threat.

In the past belonging to a tribe served as a means of support and protection but now, in my opinion, it will be one of the main reasons for the destruction of the species. With all of the significant challenges we face, the top one being climate change and the effects that will have, we cannot afford to be tribal if we are to survive. We must join together as one species, one tribe, to address these challenges. I don't see that happening. We can be aware of this tendency in ourselves and work to limit its influence on our actions but that takes a level of understanidng and introspection that I think few are willing to pursue.

Bullying employs this built in tribalism but also adds the quest for power by those who don't feel that they have any.

As for others behavior I like to give people opportunities to change their behavior before I cut them off but when they are aware of what they are doing and refuse to stop that behavior then they are gone from my life never to return.

I have always been attracted to those who are outside of the "norm". I find the "norm" , the ususal, quite boring and not worth my time. I have gotten myself in trouble at times with some individuals but I have also learned a lot.

I searched the internet for the tests that Drs. administer to help determine who is on the spectrum. This site offers multiple tests: Embrace Autism | The ultimate autism resource (embrace-autism.com) There are also a number of sites that offer IQ tests. I would be very selective about which site I chose and about the accuracy of the test. My score is in the mid 130s but that was verified by actual tests administered by professionals.

Hey Martha,

Yet again, you have shown your indisputable vast understanding and wisdom of intellect. I was told, in here, about the book Neuro Tribes. Is that the one you're referring to? I need to read that, probably next.

Wow, we see people with differences as a threat? No wonder I don't trust many people, lol. Very many at all. I have been hurt so many times in so many ways it is difficult to reach out, but I feel that this forum, and the people in it, understand me like no other people do. I already feel like I have found a new home, or HOME for the first time!! Really!

I am so aware of climate change that it does bother me. We are going to wipe the human race off the face of the planet and we did it in less than 150 years. That is about how long cars, burning gas, and the industrial revolution have been around, or will have been around when we do kill ourselves. And no one stops driving, no one shuts their factory down, everyone is on some kind of "Ignore Everything Pill" that erases reality from their minds. Very sad.

I also think that your idea of one tribe is a good one. I don't know if it can happen, but it would be nice if it did. We need to stop investing in technology and start investing in human relations, human beings, and understanding those who we don't understand. That would be a good investment!!!!!

I hear you on the bullying. Those people are weak!!

I try to give people a break, much more than I probably should, but when someone is judgemental, and I feel that they are doing on purpose or on a "hold position" mentality, poof, I'm gone : )

Norm people are boring. That is why I don't consider Aspie to be a disability. It is a super ability mixed with an inability, but the inability is only in reference to normies. Not that I am better, greater, higher than or superior. I just have abilities they don't, I don't have abilities they do. I had an IQ Test in my early 20's. I have over a 130 point spread in my IQ Scores!!! The lowest was in the 60's. I want to get tested to see where I'm at now. In the mechanical aptitude test, I was putting the blocks together so fast, that the tester told me to slow down! I was solving the pattern puzzles in seconds! lol

I will look into Embrace Autism, sounds like the right thing to do!

Thank you!
Bob

 

[Mis-fit]

I got tested a few times i am an INTP.

I think when we have only one difference in our personality type, that it is highly likely to make friends. INTJ, INTP, for example, can most likely see a lot of things the same way and just make decisions based on different things. Do know for sure, but it seems this way.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Hey Martha,

Yet again, you have shown your indisputable vast understanding and wisdom of intellect. I was told, in here, about the book Neuro Tribes. Is that the one you're referring to? I need to read that, probably next.

Wow, we see people with differences as a threat? No wonder I don't trust many people, lol. Very many at all. I have been hurt so many times in so many ways it is difficult to reach out, but I feel that this forum, and the people in it, understand me like no other people do. I already feel like I have found a new home, or HOME for the first time!! Really!

I am so aware of climate change that it does bother me. We are going to wipe the human race off the face of the planet and we did it in less than 150 years. That is about how long cars, burning gas, and the industrial revolution have been around, or will have been around when we do kill ourselves. And no one stops driving, no one shuts their factory down, everyone is on some kind of "Ignore Everything Pill" that erases reality from their minds. Very sad.

I also think that your idea of one tribe is a good one. I don't know if it can happen, but it would be nice if it did. We need to stop investing in technology and start investing in human relations, human beings, and understanding those who we don't understand. That would be a good investment!!!!!

I hear you on the bullying. Those people are weak!!

I try to give people a break, much more than I probably should, but when someone is judgemental, and I feel that they are doing on purpose or on a "hold position" mentality, poof, I'm gone : )

Norm people are boring. That is why I don't consider Aspie to be a disability. It is a super ability mixed with an inability, but the inability is only in reference to normies. Not that I am better, greater, higher than or superior. I just have abilities they don't, I don't have abilities they do. I had an IQ Test in my early 20's. I have over a 130 point spread in my IQ Scores!!! The lowest was in the 60's. I want to get tested to see where I'm at now. In the mechanical aptitude test, I was putting the blocks together so fast, that the tester told me to slow down! I was solving the pattern puzzles in seconds! lol

I will look into Embrace Autism, sounds like the right thing to do!

Thank you!
Bob

Re: Neuro Tribes. I hadn't heard about it so I looked it up. This is not specifically what I am referring to. We all belong to tribes, some people more than others. Our families and relations are a tribe. Groups that we belong to are a tribe. Professional organizations are a tribe. Gamers are a tribe. A tribe is a group of people that we belong to and that others don't. People that are "like" us. You Are A Tribal Person | Psychology Today Tribalism is most often referred to in politics. Nationalism is tribalism. When Tribalism Goes Bad | Psychology Today

The problem with tribes in this era is that the more we are stressed the more we will cling to our tribes for a sense of safety, support and "normalcy". Rather than reaching out and bridging to the "other" we are and will withdraw into what we consider "our people". Others become more threatening.

Our countries are tribes. As resources become less available the more we will cling to our tribes and those tribes will war to glean the limited available resources. Then the tribes within the countries will war.

We are already seeing the impact of climate change. We are already seeing the results of increased stress on people and how they are responding to it.

We are in the beginnings of the sixth mass extinction on the planet and it has been caused by humans. Another one was coming, as was climate change, however the industrial age has rapidly increased the time frame in which it is occuring. It is not only humans that will be impacted but every living thing on the planet. The more the ecosystem becomes unbalanced the less resources we will have thus the more we will fight for those remaining resources. We are programmed to be tribal but in this time it is the last thing we need to be.

I don't know what my IQ scores are in particular areas. I suspect my mechanical apptitude score was low. I have a very hard time with reproducing patterns.

I try very hard not to judge others but to understand why they are the way they are. I am focused on being the best person I can be and not be a hypocrite by pointing fingers at others while neglecting to deal with my own faults and failings. I have a solid sense of who I am and know my strengths and my weaknesses. I realize that we are all at different places on the road of personal growth and understanding. To understand why people are the way they are is to have a tool in how to deal with them. If we only respond to the symptoms such a bullying rather than the reason behind the behavior (tribalism and a sense of a lack of empowerment) then we are less effective in dealing with it. Only treating the symptoms does nothing to cure the disease.

Being on the spectrum is an explanation of why. In trying to be the best person I can be I focus on recognizing the advantages of my design as well as the disadvantages. My design cannot be changed now what can I do with how I am? The only person I am in competiton with is myself.

I think denial is one of our main coping mechanisms as a species.

I am glad you feel at home here. You now have a tribe.

 

[Mis-fit]

Re: Neuro Tribes. I hadn't heard about it so I looked it up. This is not specifically what I am referring to. We all belong to tribes, some people more than others. Our families and relations are a tribe. Groups that we belong to are a tribe. Professional organizations are a tribe. Gamers are a tribe. A tribe is a group of people that we belong to and that others don't. People that are "like" us. You Are A Tribal Person | Psychology Today Tribalism is most often referred to in politics. Nationalism is tribalism. When Tribalism Goes Bad | Psychology Today

The problem with tribes in this era is that the more we are stressed the more we will cling to our tribes for a sense of safety, support and "normalcy". Rather than reaching out and bridging to the "other" we are and will withdraw into what we consider "our people". Others become more threatening.

Our countries are tribes. As resources become less available the more we will cling to our tribes and those tribes will war to glean the limited available resources. Then the tribes within the countries will war.

We are already seeing the impact of climate change. We are already seeing the results of increased stress on people and how they are responding to it.

We are in the beginnings of the sixth mass extinction on the planet and it has been caused by humans. Another one was coming, as was climate change, however the industrial age has rapidly increased the time frame in which it is occuring. It is not only humans that will be impacted but every living thing on the planet. The more the ecosystem becomes unbalanced the less resources we will have thus the more we will fight for those remaining resources. We are programmed to be tribal but in this time it is the last thing we need to be.

I don't know what my IQ scores are in particular areas. I suspect my mechanical apptitude score was low. I have a very hard time with reproducing patterns.

I try very hard not to judge others but to understand why they are the way they are. I am focused on being the best person I can be and not be a hypocrite by pointing fingers at others while neglecting to deal with my own faults and failings. I have a solid sense of who I am and know my strengths and my weaknesses. I realize that we are all at different places on the road of personal growth and understanding. To understand why people are the way they are is to have a tool in how to deal with them. If we only respond to the symptoms such a bullying rather than the reason behind the behavior (tribalism and a sense of a lack of empowerment) then we are less effective in dealing with it. Only treating the symptoms does nothing to cure the disease.

Being on the spectrum is an explanation of why. In trying to be the best person I can be I focus on recognizing the advantages of my design as well as the disadvantages. My design cannot be changed now what can I do with how I am? The only person I am in competiton with is myself.

I think denial is one of our main coping mechanisms as a species.

I am glad you feel at home here. You now have a tribe.

Hi Martha,

I wish you were wrong about everything you said, but I know you are absolutely right. I don't know how the world will end ultimately, but I know it is headed there. Very sad.

With introspection, I judge others. I know if I am having a hard time with things that why should I expect others to be perfect? It is impossible for me. Why should I not expect other people to have problems too? Yet, like you said, it may be denial, it may be that I have a short attention span, (very short), it may be that my memory is not that great, but I get upset with other drivers who drive in ways that I consider wrong. Like pulling out in front of others who are going fast and going slow in front of them, forcing them to heavily apply the brakes. I "CANNOT" understand why they do that, but it may be that they have no depth perception, or a lack of IQ. I don't know, and I am better now than before, but I have a lot of trouble when I run into things I don't understand, and I understand quite a bit. If I understand I am the most patient, politest, kindest, and generous person, but when I don't understand, I get upset, angry and frustrated with things very quickly. Is this an Aspie trait, or something else?

I know the medical field is another winner. They don't "prevent" disease, the don't "heal" disease, heck they won't even tell you how to prevent disease. They are there to "Treat" disease, which sometimes means keeping you sick and on meds when there actually is an herbal, food, exercise or other cure! They are not insterested, most of them, in healing you because they are afraid of going out of business! The food industry is practically out to kill us. Sugar here, sugar there, sugar everywhere, and too much sugar kills.

I wish we were in better times. At least I grew up in what I consider to be the last of the good ole days.

My Mechanical and Spacial relations are off the chart, but my coding is on the ground. I think that is why I have dyslexia. Or I have dyslexia and that is why my coding score is on the ground, lol? Language is a code I believe and so is spelling/writing/grammar. I'm great at math, and can do a lot of calculations in my head, but spelling?... Poof!

I found an Autism Treatment Center today, and Easter Seals, which is a non-profit, both of them can help me, so thank GOD I found them. I will be scouring the earth, for any resources left concerning how to deal with having Aspies, cause I got it bad! : )

Thank you for explaining the Tribal thing. You're right.

Have a good one!
Bob

 

[Martha Ferris]

Hi Martha,

I wish you were wrong about everything you said, but I know you are absolutely right. I don't know how the world will end ultimately, but I know it is headed there. Very sad.

With introspection, I judge others. I know if I am having a hard time with things that why should I expect others to be perfect? It is impossible for me. Why should I not expect other people to have problems too? Yet, like you said, it may be denial, it may be that I have a short attention span, (very short), it may be that my memory is not that great, but I get upset with other drivers who drive in ways that I consider wrong. Like pulling out in front of others who are going fast and going slow in front of them, forcing them to heavily apply the brakes. I "CANNOT" understand why they do that, but it may be that they have no depth perception, or a lack of IQ. I don't know, and I am better now than before, but I have a lot of trouble when I run into things I don't understand, and I understand quite a bit. If I understand I am the most patient, politest, kindest, and generous person, but when I don't understand, I get upset, angry and frustrated with things very quickly. Is this an Aspie trait, or something else?

I know the medical field is another winner. They don't "prevent" disease, the don't "heal" disease, heck they won't even tell you how to prevent disease. They are there to "Treat" disease, which sometimes means keeping you sick and on meds when there actually is an herbal, food, exercise or other cure! They are not insterested, most of them, in healing you because they are afraid of going out of business! The food industry is practically out to kill us. Sugar here, sugar there, sugar everywhere, and too much sugar kills.

I wish we were in better times. At least I grew up in what I consider to be the last of the good ole days.

My Mechanical and Spacial relations are off the chart, but my coding is on the ground. I think that is why I have dyslexia. Or I have dyslexia and that is why my coding score is on the ground, lol? Language is a code I believe and so is spelling/writing/grammar. I'm great at math, and can do a lot of calculations in my head, but spelling?... Poof!

I found an Autism Treatment Center today, and Easter Seals, which is a non-profit, both of them can help me, so thank GOD I found them. I will be scouring the earth, for any resources left concerning how to deal with having Aspies, cause I got it bad! : )

Thank you for explaining the Tribal thing. You're right.

Have a good one!

Thank you for responding.

Bob

I was a health professional for nearly 40 years and held two licenses. I was also a Certified Whole Health Educator.
First the health care field is comprised of human beings with all the same problems that every human being has and they have their own issues. They bring these issues into their practices. Secondly medicine in this country has been taught a certain way and that is a big part of the problem. It is an indoctrination of sorts. People also tend to become rigid in their practice over time. Change is out of their comfort zone.
I have found that rather than listening to patients most people take the easy way out-quickly diagnose, prescribe tests and pills or send patients on to a specialist then they are on to the next patient. My last health provider finally asked me "Why are you here? What can I do for you" as she threw her hands up in frustration because I am not going to have any surgery, I am not going to take pills that make the quality of my life worse even if it prolongs it and I am not going to treat any cancer. She was a test and pill pusher. She followed a script. That was her sole role. Being a box checker is easy. So many people do it in every field.
I treat my health concerns through diet and exercise and more natural means. If they don't work then so be it. I refuse to spend my days in misery from medication side affects or surgeries just so I can live longer. It makes no sense to me. I am old and the days I have left are few so I will enjoy the time I have for as long as I have. The past is gone and the future has not yet arrived. All I have is today and I will make the most of it.

Glad you found a treatment center. I hope it is all you want it to be.

As far as judging others. Ask yourself is what they are doing negatively impacting you in any way? If so is that a large enough impact to affect your life or just an annoyance? If it doesn't really matter work on letting it go. We can train ourselves to be different to a certain extent. We can decide what to keep and what to release. By letting what other people do bother you you are allowing them to own you to a certain extent. Give them the freedom to be who they are just as you are free to be who you are. Just tell yourself "let it go" and change the subject in your mind. It takes constant work but you will have more peace if you do that. Further will getting upset change the situation? Serenity prayer: Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Don't waste your time on crap. Being irritated at what others do that you can't do anything about is not a productive use of your time and expends a lot of energy that I am sure you could direct down more pleasant avenues.

As far as understanding goes never make assumptions, give the benefit of the doubt and don't have expectations. So much of the frustration in our lives comes from not having our expectations met.

Let me give you an example. Seven and a half years ago I contracted an infection that ended my career. My left inner ear is damaged and I lost hearing in that ear. Worse I have constant vertigo. 24/7. I had to relearn how to do just about everything. It has been a long slow process.
I stagger when I walk because everything in my world is moving walls, floor, ceiling, furniture. Some people seem to think that I am drunk and glare at me when I get behind the wheel of my car. I drive but I limit it to necessities and I have ways of making it safer for me to be on the road for myself and others. Because of the constant vertigo I have to concentrate to remain upright. On a good day that takes 75% of my concentration on a bad day it takes more. That leaves 25% of my concentration or less to be able to do anything else. When I have to run errands that requires more concentration and sometimes when changing speeds I forget to speed up as the speed limit increases. The expectation is that I will increase my speed to the speed limit but I don't. I have too much on my mind and changing speeds slips through the cracks. The drivers behind me become frustrated. Oops. Sorry.
What I am saying is we don't know what is going on in other peoples lives. What they are dealing with. What their mind is on. People get distracted. They all have their own lives and their own issues just like we do so give people the benefit of the doubt before judging them and making assumptions about why they do anything. We just don't know. Being kind costs nothing.

 

[Mis-fit]

Hi Martha,

I really like your philosophies, and the strategies you hold on to. Yes, I know, I have been learning to slow down myself, driving too fast before, like I was always in a hurry when I really didn't need to be, and labeling people for going slow, not using their blinker, pulling out in front of me and going slow. Heck, there are people here that speed up when you go to pass them in a passing zone on the highway. Now I'm not talking 5mph, I mean 20! This one car was doing 50, so I went to pass them and I had to do 75 to barely get around them before the passing zone was over! That is frustrating. Usually I can handle a lot of inconviencence, but me, like you, I have so much to do, all really because I want to, but I get busy, in a hurry, and I lose sight of all my wisdom, seems like I lose more of my sight of wisdom than you do, but it is because my concentration is all used up!

I have ADHD, and I don't have much of an attention span unless it is very quiet. Then I can concenrate my mental focus like a laser beam! But in traffic, my mind gets cluttered, I'm worried about car A, that is passing me on the left, I'm passing car B that is on the right, I come up on car D in front of me going slower, and I would like to get out of car E's path who is riding my bumper. It is taxing to drive 65-70 with all these people going different speeds, some not even paying attention, others giving me an emissions inspection, lol, and then others blowing by in the fast lane. I lose sight of "Well person D has just as much right to go slow as the car A has to go fast." I just get lost in it and wish I didn't have to drive with so many other people going all different speeds all at the same time... you know?

I am as kind as I can be, but I suppose everyone has their limit for dealing with stress and inconveniences. I wish we didn't have frustrations to cloud our judgement and we could be kind all the time, but everyone, I think, has a limit on that. I do, do my best there though : )

I also like your idea of "Is this person's judgement of me, their behavior, or are t heir words causing me an inconvenience or a problem in my life. Inconveniences can be let go of, problems need to be dealt with, but no sense in getting concerned about an inconvenience, life is too short to please everyone! Right?

I'm so sorry to hear you have vertigo. Sounds horrible. I shot a rifle w/o hearing protection in somewhat of an enclosed shelter and it damaged my hearing. I always 24/7 hear a buzz. Very irritating, and it's getting louder as I age. That was a good 5 years ago, still have it : ( Vertigo is much, much worse, I cannot imagine dealing with that!!! Yikes!

I have had to learn to become "VERY" good at letting go. The only problem I have in that area is identifying when I am supposed to let go. lol? Sometimes it is not apparent, until I realize I am burning too much energy, doing too much, or trying too hard. Then I'm like, wait, this is outside of me, I can't control it, let go Bob! : )

I have had my share of bad drs. But I do find some of the time they can be helpful. Not all meds will be worse than not taking them. But one dr Rxed me some meds to prevent discomfort, they slowly began to make my life so bad, it was actually killing me. I couldn't stay out of bed, I had no engery, no drive, no fun, no life left in me. Then one day I ran out of them. Lo and behold I felt "GREAT!" I was like heck, I need to stay away from that one, sure enough it has been 6 months and I feel alive again! Wow! But my blood pressure recently went up. 150/90! I was like holy crap! So I called my heart dr. I got some meds for it and it went down. No side effects yet, just started them last week, but boy I feel better!!!!

I am so glad to meet someone of your caliber. Did you say you have cancer? I had it, follicular lymphoma in my messentery (spelling?) vessels. Tons of chemo over 8 months killed it, but it did almost kill me. I survived, that was 12 years ago! I hope you can beat it too.

Have a good one. We may want to switch over to conversations soon : ) I like talking with you.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Hi Martha,

I really like your philosophies, and the strategies you hold on to. Yes, I know, I have been learning to slow down myself, driving too fast before, like I was always in a hurry when I really didn't need to be, and labeling people for going slow, not using their blinker, pulling out in front of me and going slow. Heck, there are people here that speed up when you go to pass them in a passing zone on the highway. Now I'm not talking 5mph, I mean 20! This one car was doing 50, so I went to pass them and I had to do 75 to barely get around them before the passing zone was over! That is frustrating. Usually I can handle a lot of inconviencence, but me, like you, I have so much to do, all really because I want to, but I get busy, in a hurry, and I lose sight of all my wisdom, seems like I lose more of my sight of wisdom than you do, but it is because my concentration is all used up!

I have ADHD, and I don't have much of an attention span unless it is very quiet. Then I can concenrate my mental focus like a laser beam! But in traffic, my mind gets cluttered, I'm worried about car A, that is passing me on the left, I'm passing car B that is on the right, I come up on car D in front of me going slower, and I would like to get out of car E's path who is riding my bumper. It is taxing to drive 65-70 with all these people going different speeds, some not even paying attention, others giving me an emissions inspection, lol, and then others blowing by in the fast lane. I lose sight of "Well person D has just as much right to go slow as the car A has to go fast." I just get lost in it and wish I didn't have to drive with so many other people going all different speeds all at the same time... you know?

I am as kind as I can be, but I suppose everyone has their limit for dealing with stress and inconveniences. I wish we didn't have frustrations to cloud our judgement and we could be kind all the time, but everyone, I think, has a limit on that. I do, do my best there though : )

I also like your idea of "Is this person's judgement of me, their behavior, or are t heir words causing me an inconvenience or a problem in my life. Inconveniences can be let go of, problems need to be dealt with, but no sense in getting concerned about an inconvenience, life is too short to please everyone! Right?

I'm so sorry to hear you have vertigo. Sounds horrible. I shot a rifle w/o hearing protection in somewhat of an enclosed shelter and it damaged my hearing. I always 24/7 hear a buzz. Very irritating, and it's getting louder as I age. That was a good 5 years ago, still have it : ( Vertigo is much, much worse, I cannot imagine dealing with that!!! Yikes!

I have had to learn to become "VERY" good at letting go. The only problem I have in that area is identifying when I am supposed to let go. lol? Sometimes it is not apparent, until I realize I am burning too much energy, doing too much, or trying too hard. Then I'm like, wait, this is outside of me, I can't control it, let go Bob! : )

I have had my share of bad drs. But I do find some of the time they can be helpful. Not all meds will be worse than not taking them. But one dr Rxed me some meds to prevent discomfort, they slowly began to make my life so bad, it was actually killing me. I couldn't stay out of bed, I had no engery, no drive, no fun, no life left in me. Then one day I ran out of them. Lo and behold I felt "GREAT!" I was like heck, I need to stay away from that one, sure enough it has been 6 months and I feel alive again! Wow! But my blood pressure recently went up. 150/90! I was like holy crap! So I called my heart dr. I got some meds for it and it went down. No side effects yet, just started them last week, but boy I feel better!!!!

I am so glad to meet someone of your caliber. Did you say you have cancer? I had it, follicular lymphoma in my messentery (spelling?) vessels. Tons of chemo over 8 months killed it, but it did almost kill me. I survived, that was 12 years ago! I hope you can beat it too.

Have a good one. We may want to switch over to conversations soon : ) I like talking with you.

No, I don't have cancer, at least I don't think I do. I don't have anything fatal. I am just damaged. I don't get screened because if I have cancer I won't do anything about it. I am glad you beat yours. I am also glad your BP is under control and you feel better. So many meds interfere with my concentration and I can't have that. I need to be on top of my game all the time just to function on a daily basis. I was on statins for high cholesterol for a few months and it nearly put me in a nursing home. It got so bad I could not live independently for much longer. As soon as I stopped taking them my mentation improved greatly and I was soon back to normal. Now I take Niacin and it has brought the numbers down nicely with only one side affect but that one is manageable.

I hope I don't imply that I never get frustrated with others. It is a constant battle I wage and seems to be getting worse the older I get. My closest neighbor lives across the road from me and he is the complete opposite of who I am and my values. I had to choose whether to be irritated and in a bad mood nearly every day becuse of him or to let it go. I have to daily commit to letting it go. So many times I just want to choke him. His main occupations are power washing everything repeatedly and using his leaf blower. He has nothing else to do. I hate the noise. Breathe, Martha, breathe.

I think my increased frustration has to do with my life being so challenging that any more difficulties added to it pushes me over the edge. I have to tell myself to calm down and to take it one step at a time. To not take it out on others. It's not their fault things are so hard. I am so used to things being, if not easy, then at least doable. The word can't was never in my vocabulary until seven and a half years ago. Now it has a prominent place in my life. The one good thing about my situation is it gives me an excuse not to have to go places that I don't particularly want to go.

It's not to say that I can't do things I am just slower than I used to be and have to be careful. Four and a half years ago I downsized and now own a property half the size of my last one. For most of it's life it was a commercial property and in a recent incarnation it was a bar. I transformed the land around the house into gardens. My rose garden and front garden are planted on what used to be gravel parking lots. To plant anything in the area behind the house I had to dig down through 6-8 inches of gravel. I have a rose garden there with a lilac hedge and Rose of Sharon bushes. The previous owners added additional land (which I could have done without) to the parcel for sale and I have a large field surrounding the main property. Rather than mow it (which I hate doing) I planted trees and let it grow mowing only once a year. It is surrounded by a forsythia hedge (96 bushes to be exact) which separates it from the farm fields around it. I certified it as a wild life habitat. My other gardens contain herbs and vegetables. The landscaping is nearly done. I am just adding some more perennial bulbs under some bushes in the fall and then fini! I could go on and on but ..............we are on an aspies site after all. LOL

I do understand about driving. I have to be very careful and I try very hard not to drive in traffic. Too much movement to try to keep track of. Now just where exactly is this vehicle or person? How close am I?
I can't be in crowds for very long because moving people just adds more movement on top of what is already moving and my adaptive mechanisms get overwhelmed. I have to plan my excusions out into the world very carefully to be able to get done what I have to do. It got ugly when my daughter got married but I couldn't help it. Great moment for the mother of the bride. :-( Too much movement for too long and I became non functional. The world spun out of control. I don't want to go there again. I can dampen the messages my brain is receiving from my left ear for only so long in those situations then the dam breaks and I am swept away.

As I said I lost some hearing in my left ear and since the damage I have a constant noise in it. I can't even explain what the noise is and sounds have become distorted in that ear.

I am glad that you don't take offence at what I am saying. I don't have an ego and what I say would not be offensive to me (it's not easy to insult me because I know exactly who I am and what others think is merely their opinion and I don't accept flattery either for the same reason) but often my tone upsets others. I don't mean to be blunt but I just say what I mean to say. It is what it is. There are no hidden agendas or insinuations. Sometimes it makes people laugh. I guess it depends on the person.

I like talking to you too. It's been a long time since I had someone to talk with rather than being in my "helper" mode all the time. It's seems that being a care giver is the role I have played all my life. It would be nice to be on equal footing with someone.
I think we should move this conversation into a private chat as we continue to get to know each other. Other people don't need to be party to our conversations.

 

[Mis-fit]

Hi Martha,

I will be replying to this in PM, probably tomorrow. I am squeezed for time tonight, but appreciate your friendship, bluntness, (I am blunt too) and it has been a rrrrrrrrrrrrrreally long time, if ever, that I have found someone that I can talk to like I can you. We must be on some similar section of the spectrum somewhere

Have a great evening/day!