Things NT's Do That Don't Make Sense.

[KassieMac]

No NT would possibly be able to help your mother with the groceries if she had already walked in with them without telling them beforehand!

Also, in my experience, logic has never stopped people from clinging to unreasonable expectations. After decades of trying to explain this clearly, trying to predict & prevent these situations, berating myself for constant failure, feeling worthless & defective, and hating myself, I've finally accepted that it's their problem (not mine). I don't hesitate to say "I'm sorry, but it appears you are suffering from Unreasonable Expectations."

 

[paloftoon]

Over-Selfishness, non-reciprocation, having to play figure out why so and so unfriended me without talking about it, and lack of empathy and care from many NTs if you don't fit into their mold no matter how much you've improved are "pet peeves" of mine from NTs.

This also reminds me of a "pet peeve" from a few aspies too:
they use their diagnosis as an excuse when I know that person well enough to know that they know better!!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hints as in they just complain a lot about whatever problem they have and when I don't respond to that, then they're upset. Since I wouldn't complain to ask for help without asking, I expect to be asked for help if they want help.

Example: I had a cousin who lived with us. His car wouldn't start and he had to get to work about 50 miles in each direction, it didn't even cross my mind to offer. He was able to get his own mom to bring her car over and it was fine (I thought). I then had to hear from my grandma "you couldn't help him out? He said his mom had to bring him her car and he was late" I told her and then told him if you can't ask, i can't help you.

Other examples were when I was in middle school and probably upto sophomore year of HS: my mom would carry groceries in and then tell me "I brought them in all by myself". The problem was she would never say she was at/leaving the store and wouldn't say anything until she had brought the groceries in. Obviously if she said "I'm home with groceries" or "I'm leaving the store" I would go get them. She tried to use the argument that she shouldn't have to say anything and she actually stopped after I said "if your boss said your hours are anywhere from midnight to midnight and you'll just have to guess them, and then fired you, would you say it was fair?"

Of course. this stuff may not be NT stuff but rather people stuff.

Oh boy. The examples you brought up do surround etiquette and what people (NT's) just expect someone to do without having to ask. Let's take the cousin situation. Your grandma was probably thinking that your cousin is living with you and you were right there at the time your cousin was having a problem that could have been solved quickly just by using your car that was available at that very second. It was really inconvenient for your cousins mom (who might have been sleeping, working, etc) to stop whatever she was doing unexpectedly and go out of her way to help her son. Do you understand what I'm saying? I think what they don't understand is that you aren't able to connect what is just expected to be done in the NT world. NT's are also big on men helping out if there is a problem if there is a man available at that time (instead of having a woman pick up the slack to do it - in this case your cousins mother).

The groceries are another thing where it is just "expected" for anyone who is able to help bring them in - especially if there is a man present that can lift heavy bags. I just read in an Aspie book though, that Aspies aren't able to pick up on those kind of cues. The book actually says if you want an Aspie to help (the example was actually with groceries) then you have to ask them "I need you to help me bring in the groceries." If I hadn't read that book, I wouldn't have known either and I would have been thinking just like your Ma and Grandma. I believe your Ma and Grandma just need to read an article on Aspergers and at the same time have you explain to them EXACTLY what you need to hear from them when they need or want you to do something. It was very difficult for me to grasp that myself. For NT's, its just ingrained in us to know what is expected and I don't really know how that is - but some NT's still won't do what they know is the right thing to do. There are "special" names for those kind of people.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't think those incidents come from NTness. Rather, it's your particular family that's really bad at communicating/asking for help.
No NT would possibly be able to help your mother with the groceries if she had already walked in with them without telling them beforehand!

That is so true! After I reread it again, I was thinking "she brought in the groceries then told you?" She must think you have ESP and can read minds.

 

[xNIGHTPAINx]

I don't understand why NTs lie constantly or try to make another person look bad when they are a horrible person. I just can't wrap my head around that especially if they go out of their way to be mean. If you have to go out of your way how do you gain anything from that?

 

[Easter]

I'm not understanding what you're meaning by "inviting". I have furniture like a living room set, dining room set, bar stools. I like pictures on the walls and artificial flowers. I always try to clean before a get- together, but if my Ma is coming over I usually tidy up but I don't do a real "deep cleaning". Can you explain a little more of what you mean?

do i have to?

inviting |inˈvīti ng |adjective
Offering the promise of an attractive or enjoyable experience : the sea down there looks so inviting.


I think I mean that I just have always made my living space for me and me alone (like a place to hide rather than entertain) , I often have got embarrassed when people have come to see me as I haven't even registered that I should of made the place I live in comfortable for anyone else. I might seem selfish but I'm not really, my brain just doesn't activate in certain areas of living and I only notice when it is too late I

 

[Easter]

Absolutely - if people want to visit me then its to see me and not the state of my home!!

I never entertained entertaining anyone, how very entertaining!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

do i have to?

inviting |inˈvīti ng |adjective
Offering the promise of an attractive or enjoyable experience : the sea down there looks so inviting.


I think I mean that I just have always made my living space for me and me alone (like a place to hide rather than entertain) , I often have got embarrassed when people have come to see me as I haven't even registered that I should of made the place I live in comfortable for anyone else. I might seem selfish but I'm not really, my brain just doesn't activate in certain areas of living and I only notice when it is too late I

Actually, this is what I do. When someone is coming to visit me, I use that as a reason to get my butt off of the couch and really clean my place. I like to make my place as "homey" and "warm" as possible as this makes my home feel more "cozy" (I even use certain lighting to make it more tranquil.) The thing is after I go through all of this hard work, I only allow certain people who are important to me to come into my home who I know will appreciate it. I especially find that I will ALWAYS decorate my place for Christmas (last year I didn't have one single person over) and I find that it puts me in a really good mood and it makes me feel "Christmassy". Don't think making your place "inviting" as being for other people, think of it as being "inviting" for you when you come home and enjoy your time alone (kinda like when you look forward to coming home to see your pet, you'll also look forward to coming home to see your place!)

 

[Sportster]

Don't think making your place "inviting" as being for other people, think of it as being "inviting" for you when you come home and enjoy your time alone . . .

Well said!!! That's probably why I keep my place the way I do. I also decorate for Christmas. My light display is simple, but I also put up a tree and set out my collection of nutcrackers.

 

[Judge]

I can't remember the last time someone came to my door to call on me as a friend. Decades ago.

Otherwise I maintain my home for myself and no one else.

 

[Loomis]

I can't remember the last time someone came to my door to call on me as a friend. Decades ago.

Otherwise I maintain my home for myself and no one else.

I often wonder what it is about being aspie that keeps people away from us. Is it what we do or what we do not do or both?

 

[Judge]

I often wonder what it is about being aspie that keeps people away from us. Is it what we do or what we do not do or both?

Good question. My cousin NEVER comes to visit me. Sometimes I wonder if that has to do with being an immaculate housekeeper, which I am and she isn't. Yet I've never said anything about to her. It's something I do for me and have no desire to "export" it. I'm the same about my OCD issues as well. I keep them confined to my environment and never anyone elses.

We always seem to get along ok when I'm at her home though....so I don't think it's about me in a social sense.

 

[gouldgrl]

I actually think we are wired differently when it comes to the socializing thing. Socializing is the only way you can get to know a person and their interests and make friends. Socializing is "bonding" in the NT world. The less a person socializes with you (NT) means they aren't interested in you enough to want to spend time with you. Aspies say they don't socialize, but I think this web site is the way Aspies socialize. I read in an Aspie book that email and texts are the best ways for Aspies to converse and that's why I text my Aspie friend - emails and texts give Aspies the time to collect their thoughts and not have to answer right away. That article that Ste11aeres posted was really helpful to me in understanding how socializing affects Aspies and zaps their energy. I just couldn't get that until the author said it was like an NT taking a stroll and having to focus on moving their legs correctly the whole time. That's why I think NT's and Aspies are wired differently in the brain somewhere because socializing comes so easy to us and it actually feels like a necessity in order to function.
What I don't understand is that I read how some Aspies on this site are really lonely for friends, but how is a friendship going to happen if you don't want to socialize?

This point has probably already been made, but I think, in general, Aspies don't see the point in socializing in itself. That is, they enjoy engaging in purposeful activities with others (in a more controlled environment), but the social aspect of it is secondary to the activity (chess playing, bowling, or whatever). By being told that they ought to socialize more, Aspies think that means going to parties and bars for the express purpose of socializing, which is either distasteful to them or absolutely pointless. Anyone who wants to help an Aspie be more sociable would be wise to find an activity in which he/she has a strong interest and let any socializing develop organically.

 

[radasp]

I've been writing a blog that critiques current myths and misinformation about Asperger's and focusing on the "missing" half of the equation: Neurotypicals. The discussion is usually about what's wrong with Aspies, as if social humans are one big well-adjusted well behaved family. Hah!

I'm starting a new blog titled Asperger: The Hypo Social Human (as contrasted to Neurotypical: The Hyper Social Human.) Hypo is LOW: Hyper is HIGH. My point is that Asperger's aren't defective, we are low social need members of our species; a package of other characteristics may accompany that, like concrete-visual thinking or math/science ability, etc. which are NORMAL for us but are labeled as symptoms of a disorder by Neurotypicals who don't have a clue that there might be human beings who aren't like them.

I want to get away from this constant Neurotypical "bad-mouthing" of Aspies and present WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE'RE LIKE instead of feeling we have to accept their definition of Asperger's people.

 

[Easter]

Actually, this is what I do. When someone is coming to visit me, I use that as a reason to get my butt off of the couch and really clean my place. I like to make my place as "homey" and "warm" as possible as this makes my home feel more "cozy" (I even use certain lighting to make it more tranquil.) The thing is after I go through all of this hard work, I only allow certain people who are important to me to come into my home who I know will appreciate it. I especially find that I will ALWAYS decorate my place for Christmas (last year I didn't have one single person over) and I find that it puts me in a really good mood and it makes me feel "Christmassy". Don't think making your place "inviting" as being for other people, think of it as being "inviting" for you when you come home and enjoy your time alone (kinda like when you look forward to coming home to see your pet, you'll also look forward to coming home to see your place!)

That is an excellent approach you suggested, in it being inviting to myself. It seems I am slowly understanding this part of me and I am keen on being more inviting deep down(to myself and others) , just took me 35 years to realize that opening windows made me feel somewhat less ill..
So yes, I do realize only recently that making an environment nice does make a person feel a lot better and I am doing my best

 

[Eric B]

I don't understand how so many people boast about being tolerant when it comes to things like religion, or sexual orientation, or race, or something else that is their personal favorite thing to be tolerant about,
but when it comes to something very very trivial and superficial, like someone dressing oddly or having a little stim, odd body language, or unusual vocabulary, they shun that person.
(Although there also are NTs who are very nice and who are accepting, even if a little confused at us).

That is what practically drove me to religion. I found "the world" to be just as judgmental, and not just about social things that Aspies run afoul of, but even stuff like pop culture (looks, thinness for women, macho image for men, athletic skill etc.) I found Christians to be even less intolerant on some of that stuff.

Just shows that everyone makes themselves the standard and jusdges others, and it's ultimately about proving onesself to the collective (society). In Jungian theory, this is what "the shadow" (unconscious reality that is disowned) is all about. The presence of people deemed "weird" exposes people to this stuff, so they project their own negative stuff onto it, but are really no better themselves, as the irrationality and inconsistency of some of their cues and other habits show.

 

[Loomis]

My point is that Asperger's aren't defective, we are low social need members of our species; a package of other characteristics may accompany that, like concrete-visual thinking or math/science ability, etc. which are NORMAL for us but are labeled as symptoms of a disorder by Neurotypicals who don't have a clue that there might be human beings who aren't like them.

I like the term low social need as a description for aspies.

This point has probably already been made, but I think, in general, Aspies don't see the point in socializing in itself. That is, they enjoy engaging in purposeful activities with others (in a more controlled environment), but the social aspect of it is secondary to the activity.

Yes, socializing in itself is pointless for aspies.

But we are not antisocial and we do want human contact.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

How can one not be antisocial and want human contact, but then see socializing as pointless? Isn't socializing filling the need for human contact?

I like the term low social need as a description for aspies.



Yes, socializing in itself is pointless for aspies.

But we are not antisocial and we do want human contact.

 

[Loomis]

How can one not be antisocial and want human contact, but then see socializing as pointless? Isn't socializing filling the need for human contact?

I was agreeing with gouldgrl who said "That is, they (aspies) enjoy engaging in purposeful activities with others (in a more controlled environment), but the social aspect of it is secondary to the activity."

It is the socializing for its own sake that we find burdensome but activities with others where socializing is secondary provides the lower level of human contact we need.

 

[Ste11aeres]

How can one not be antisocial and want human contact, but then see socializing as pointless? Isn't socializing filling the need for human contact?

For me at least, I want human contact, but it is the way in which socializing is done, that I find poin

How can one not be antisocial and want human contact, but then see socializing as pointless? Isn't socializing filling the need for human contact?

Personally, I dont consider socializing pointless, but my own experience of it is painful and uncomfortable.So it seems pointless for me to engage in it.