I just re-read the original post and I read everyone's replies. Soooo many good replies. I agree with so much here. There is closure and clarity with a diagnosis. There is more understanding of yourself and more comfort in being free to act in a way that's comfortable to you.
@g1458, since you asked for stories, I am going to give you more detail into my diagnosis story.
I am very analytical and intelligent when it comes to book learning and the traditional definition of IQ. When I study any system - whether it's math, computers, games or anything else - I dive deep into it and see how all the rules and parts of the system work. This has made me fairly good at my work as a programmer and mathematician.
But I feel so often like I am emotionally fragile and underdeveloped. Small things set me off and I break down. After I calm down, I look at my behavior and think, "What the heck was that? What am I, a three-year-old?" When I was younger, breaking down in social settings led to a lot of ridicule and shunning. I guess we call that bullying now.
This led to me bottling up my emotions as much as possible so that they don't affect My Performance, thinking that My Performance in social settings and in work is the most important thing. I later learned that this is called masking. Masking helps us get by sometimes, but it's exhausting and takes a huge mental toll.
In 2017, I had a really bad breakdown related to work projects. After I pulled myself together, I thought, "This is not the behavior of a mature adult. There is something wrong with me." I scheduled a meeting with a counselor who told me in the first session that I am autistic. A lot of sessions afterward were spent helping me to understand that there is not "something wrong with me", that I am not "broken", but that I am different.
That understanding has helped me ease back on my efforts to suppress anything that I think is "not normal." Now, I let myself stim. I may limit or hide it when I think it will be distracting, like in meetings, but I don't feel bad about it when I do stim. Recognizing stimming as a need not just a weird behavior to suppress, I look for stims that work for me.
I've learned to recognize that my needs are different. I'm not "bad" for needing to take a quiet break during a large social event. I recognize that quiet time is a legitimate need for me. I'm not lazy because I need my sleep - getting enough rest is the best thing for helping me cope with setbacks and stresses. Deciding that I don't need to try to keep the same sleep schedule as everyone else has made the most incredible difference in my life! I'm a little sad that it took me until I was almost 50 to realize. This is what I mean by "reading the wrong owner's manual" - I'm not built to function the same way everyone else does and recognizing that has freed me to find what does work for me.
And as for anxiety - well, it's still there, but I have more coping tools now. I recognize it for what it is. It's coming from me, not from the world around me. I can use my one skill - deep analysis - to figure out what's causing it at that moment and what I can do to address it. I can recognize that my thoughts don't always match reality, and that no one else is as judgmental of me as I am.
For my emotions, I have slowly been opening up more. I've been finding who it's safe to open up around and who I cannot trust with sensitive things. I'm still learning to name and express my emotions, but what I have done so far helps.
All this comes down to the clarity and closure that others commenters expressed much more succinctly than me. My diagnosis was not a cure, but a direction - that path works for others, but this path will work better for me.
@g1458, since you asked for stories, I am going to give you more detail into my diagnosis story.
I am very analytical and intelligent when it comes to book learning and the traditional definition of IQ. When I study any system - whether it's math, computers, games or anything else - I dive deep into it and see how all the rules and parts of the system work. This has made me fairly good at my work as a programmer and mathematician.
But I feel so often like I am emotionally fragile and underdeveloped. Small things set me off and I break down. After I calm down, I look at my behavior and think, "What the heck was that? What am I, a three-year-old?" When I was younger, breaking down in social settings led to a lot of ridicule and shunning. I guess we call that bullying now.
This led to me bottling up my emotions as much as possible so that they don't affect My Performance, thinking that My Performance in social settings and in work is the most important thing. I later learned that this is called masking. Masking helps us get by sometimes, but it's exhausting and takes a huge mental toll.
In 2017, I had a really bad breakdown related to work projects. After I pulled myself together, I thought, "This is not the behavior of a mature adult. There is something wrong with me." I scheduled a meeting with a counselor who told me in the first session that I am autistic. A lot of sessions afterward were spent helping me to understand that there is not "something wrong with me", that I am not "broken", but that I am different.
That understanding has helped me ease back on my efforts to suppress anything that I think is "not normal." Now, I let myself stim. I may limit or hide it when I think it will be distracting, like in meetings, but I don't feel bad about it when I do stim. Recognizing stimming as a need not just a weird behavior to suppress, I look for stims that work for me.
I've learned to recognize that my needs are different. I'm not "bad" for needing to take a quiet break during a large social event. I recognize that quiet time is a legitimate need for me. I'm not lazy because I need my sleep - getting enough rest is the best thing for helping me cope with setbacks and stresses. Deciding that I don't need to try to keep the same sleep schedule as everyone else has made the most incredible difference in my life! I'm a little sad that it took me until I was almost 50 to realize. This is what I mean by "reading the wrong owner's manual" - I'm not built to function the same way everyone else does and recognizing that has freed me to find what does work for me.
And as for anxiety - well, it's still there, but I have more coping tools now. I recognize it for what it is. It's coming from me, not from the world around me. I can use my one skill - deep analysis - to figure out what's causing it at that moment and what I can do to address it. I can recognize that my thoughts don't always match reality, and that no one else is as judgmental of me as I am.
For my emotions, I have slowly been opening up more. I've been finding who it's safe to open up around and who I cannot trust with sensitive things. I'm still learning to name and express my emotions, but what I have done so far helps.
All this comes down to the clarity and closure that others commenters expressed much more succinctly than me. My diagnosis was not a cure, but a direction - that path works for others, but this path will work better for me.
