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There were parts of me that still hated myself.

Metalhead

Metalhead

Video game and movie addict.
V.I.P Member
Eating potato chips, drinking too much coffee, not sticking to a good sleep schedule, not keeping my house in tip top shape, dwelling in hate that the people who hurt me do not care about, not going to the gym as often as I should, eating too much candy, trying to find redemption within a family system where there is none to be found, taking obvious bait from my family.

I need to take better care of myself. I deserve to take better care of myself. I deserve to put in the effort.
 
What? You aren't perfect? Nobody is perfect. You aren't robbing banks, spewing hate profanity, pushing some ridiculous agenda. I think it's perfectly fine to drink coffee. Just switch to decafe by 12:00 pm, so as to sleep possibly? Just clean a little bit everyday to stay on top of it. Get rid of stuff you don't need. Candy is tough to give up, l slowly stop buying it. But there are others here with great ideas, maybe this post will generate some new approaches.
 
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Metalhead said:
I deserve to take better care of myself. I deserve to put in the effort.
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Agreed. You certainly deserve it. It sounds like you have your list of things about yourself that you are unhappy with right now. Maybe you could use this list to make one or two goals right now. Then, you can start taking small and steady steps towards achieving those goals.

I did what Aspychata said about coffee - start by switching to decaf. Then you can still have your comforting drink, but control your caffeine better and will be better for sleep.

Think of the changes you could make that will make your life more how you want it to be. In sobriety and in breaking away from unhealthy family members, you have a chance to build a new life. You deserve a good and satisfying life without a doubt.
 
So I'm doing stretches everyday for my muscles since less active from pain of altzeimers but I feel my self worth is gone, I used to stretch bit at physio after back injury but I could barely lift my arms over my head....
I avoid looking at what neighbour has and blonds on farm doing yoga....my hands ache....I think after twins I lost my tummy and all my nice features gone, just skinny limbs, no tan. I suppose being dirty blonde just rubs it in...
I was always 2 Nd best even to my step-mom so I just know I don't have what mean really want, prefer to be single than having guy looking around since in man way I am not good enough.
Ye, pretty much feeling down in the dumps, watching my German neighbour spending his money....questioning my suicide survival for so long, asking whether I really offer kids a life, waking up each day in pain and wanting to just let go and finally not be here. Maybe kids need successful, social people who better suited at copying, adapting surviving and flourishing.
At least when I'm gone no more lies, I offer planet nothing, I am not even a model type so no room for my success in this life.
Luckily when my suffering ends, world move on and be more liberal place, walk through mall watching intelligent blonds eating sushi. And I don't have to watch a lifestyle I don't want anymore, no masks, no lies.
I never got mechanical engineer degree, have nothing smart to offer. Bad dancer, no good gymnast or any other tart think that's all a women is worth
 
Metalhead said:
Eating potato chips, drinking too much coffee, not sticking to a good sleep schedule, not keeping my house in tip top shape, dwelling in hate that the people who hurt me do not care about, not going to the gym as often as I should, eating too much candy, trying to find redemption within a family system where there is none to be found, taking obvious bait from my family.

I need to take better care of myself. I deserve to take better care of myself. I deserve to put in the effort.
Click to expand...

Maybe it will help to learn which of these things you hate, versus which are things your mom hates. Maybe in some cases you're hearing her voice repeat through you, and you don't necessarily share that value.

And if it's something you hate, understanding why and and if it's something worth hating might bring you closer to happiness too. Not having a good sleep schedule sucks, but that's not entirely in your control. You can wish you slept better without hating that you don't have a good sleep schedule. The latter puts the blame firmly on you, which might be counterproductive.

Considering what you go through, you're doing a good job!
 
Life is so short, but we slow on social side so before 30s we don't really get it.

I suppose we can relapse and go backwards on all work we try build ourselves up with. Being illondated with society ideas of what makes us can erode at our sense of achievements.
I just need a tart to come along blowing money whilst I battle on to realise ongoing that this isn't just image...
It's full rooted into society. I'm abnormal as this is structure between male vs female roles.

I found if you don't plan to fit into society it's best to stay dropped out and surface less and less so they don't define what's wrong with you, draw comparisons and set expectations at your own pace.
 
I want to cure my gout for life. Forget this crap. It hurts. I want to go to the office and be a reliable worker. I disappointed myself today.
 
tree said:
@Metalhead
Have you been able to figure what prompted this flare-up?
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I have not, but my boss made it clear she wants me to get a note of disability from my doctor so I can use disabled transit the next time this happens. She is very angry at me:
 
Metalhead said:
I have not, but my boss made it clear she wants me to get a note of disability from my doctor so I can use disabled transit the next time this happens. She is very angry at me:
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Gout sucks, dude. I thought you had to be like 80 to get it.
 
Repeat: at times most of us want a cure for co-morbids but cure would mean we act like NT (lie, overcharge, etc)
I'm tired of trying to argue about my worth, feeling no one believes we are worth more than disability.
So whosoever invents all benefits on planet is not one blessed with happy sustainable life. Hold down a job? Our minds work so differently.
You should eat less meat, eat Greenland diet....my son's don't like fish. But in truth salmon was atypical Viking dish
 
Kayla55 said:
Repeat: at times most of us want a cure for co-morbids but cure would mean we act like NT (lie, overcharge, etc)
I'm tired of trying to argue about my worth, feeling no one believes we are worth more than disability.
So whosoever invents all benefits on planet is not one blessed with happy sustainable life. Hold down a job? Our minds work so differently.
You should eat less meat, eat Greenland diet....my son's don't like fish. But in truth salmon was atypical Viking dish
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Well, I used to write computer software for a living. The thing is, I perceive the world as having gone so far downhill, kind of like old people always do... except that I'm only 44, but I digress. Anyway, it always seems like people enthusiastically agree to collaborate and then nothing happens. It just goes nowhere. Over and over again.
 
Kayla55 said:
Repeat: at times most of us want a cure for co-morbids but cure would mean we act like NT (lie, overcharge, etc)
I'm tired of trying to argue about my worth, feeling no one believes we are worth more than disability.
So whosoever invents all benefits on planet is not one blessed with happy sustainable life. Hold down a job? Our minds work so differently.
You should eat less meat, eat Greenland diet....my son's don't like fish. But in truth salmon was atypical Viking dish
Click to expand...
Co-morbid with autism? You're kidding me. I think God picked my body out of a cracker jack box, but oh well.

I actually just started getting gout about a year ago. I thought I'd fractured my toe and had it imaged just to make sure. No. It's gout. I had it imaged with the idea that I could force myself to walk on it in a pinch if it's not going to be injured worse walking on it. The doctor said you can do that, but personal experience suggests it gets inflamed more, until it hurts so much, it's an entirely unreasonable thing to attempt.
 
I deserve to have power over my own life. I deserve to hold and maintain personal, financial, emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. Forget everything my blood family has taught me which was the exact opposite of that.

I know when they are lying, they know when they are lying.

I have a family that is chosen. My blood family is going to keep doing what they always have done, only now they will do it at a good safe distance from me.
 
You sound a lot like me, I guess the autism has something to do with it. I have worked on resentment, it's like a disease. It creeps up on me every now and then, usually its a sign that something is wrong. I have a lot of flaws but the biggest improvement to my life was letting go when my mind wants to mentally time travel.
 
Metalhead said:
I want to cure my gout for life. Forget this crap. It hurts. I want to go to the office and be a reliable worker. I disappointed myself today.
Click to expand...
Metalhead said:
I want to cure my gout for life. Forget this crap. It hurts. I want to go to the office and be a reliable worker. I disappointed myself today.
Click to expand...
It was so bad, if I eat meat I'm constipated .... So ended up permanent diarrhoea
Gosh, I had flat mates, I had job and couldn't have noises coming out bathroom....
I think guys take these monster-alien jokes with better pinch of salt. So was using tablets to cure this.

But there is burping thread and I'm being brave here....no toilet thread. Hush hush
 
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