The one thing I wish I could change

[DJ-Daz]

I may come across as sad in this topic, it is sad, sorry.

I gave my parents hell over the years, firstly at school, I probably don't need to tell anyone here how bad an experience school is for an autistic child. But even in infant school I used to "elope", or run home. Often I'd beat my mum home, and she had handed me personally to a teacher.

It was the same all the way through, infants, juniors and high school was a mess. I would barely turn up one day a week in high school.

Once I started working though things improved. Until they didn't. Depression started to win throughout my teens and it never really left, and they worried themselves sick.
Don't get me wrong, I had amazing parents, but I was born in 1970, so there was no chance of a diagnosis, I only got that this year, so they tried their very best to support me, but like many parents at the time, they had no idea what to do for me.

I did work, and for a good portion of my life, but my mental health was always bad, so they worried some more.
Eventually their health failed, I gave up work (very willingly!) and looked after them, and my mentally handicapped uncle.
My dad died quite young at 63 in 2003, my mum in 2017, my uncle 2023. (I should say I helped look after dad, but returned to work for several years, then stopped again to look after my mum and my uncle).

Once mum died I entered burnout and I've been in burnout ever since. At least now I know it's burnout, I had no idea for a few years, and now I also know why I'm burnt out.
I finally had my diagnosis this year (March 2025) and now I almost fully understand myself, my mental health struggles, my behaviour issues and much more.

But the one thing I cannot change is the fact that my parents died without knowing. I wish I could have told them years ago, it probably wouldn't stop the worry, but they too could have understood me better and maybe they wouldn't have been hard on themselves.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

One thing I could change...

Knowing what I know/don't know now... if I had the ability to have mind-to-mind communication with my wife... not to be intrusive or voyeuristic... but rather when we do wish to have communication, we could understand our meaning, intent, and feelings. Right now... we both experience "mind blindness" and I feel, at times, we could connect on a deeper level than we do. Verbal and written language has a rather "low bandwidth" and as such, is often lacking in terms of the level of specificity and meaning that telepathy would have and I desire.

 

[DJ-Daz]

Not like Chaos Walking I hope:
Chaos Walking (2021) 5.7 | Action, Adventure, Drama

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Not like Chaos Walking I hope:
Chaos Walking (2021) 5.7 | Action, Adventure, Drama

No...not at all. The reality is... at least from the perspective of our non-verbal autistic brothers and sisters is that telepathy... if it is going to happen, first requires a sense of love and good intent. This appears to be key for that connection to happen. Even those who are quite skilled at telepathy... it's their first language... will only connect with specific loved ones and those that are "open" to that connection and their minds are clear.

It's not something where the mind is just "open" to everyone, everywhere, all the time... that would be chaos.

 

[DJ-Daz]

I wrote about something very very similar to telepathy, it's probably silly and wholly wrong, but an interesting concept.
Quantum Pseudo-Telepathy

Maybe NT's communicate well with each other because, even though it's not been proven, is because they are telepathic. Maybe we don't receive this information is because we're on a different frequency?

I used to care for my mentally handicapped uncle (I think he was also... possibly... autistic), and I was quite in-tune with his needs and wishes.

So your point is very valid, though it needs testing of course.

 

[Xinyta]

There is something everyone wishes they can change. I wish I could of changed my dynamic with my parents. The opportunity still exists with Mom. But Dad... no so much. Not that he is dead. He is just in his own world. He wouldn't listen.

It's good to reflect, if you can learn from it. But reflecting can turn into dwelling. A slippery slope, indeed.

 

[Outdated]

But even in infant school I used to "elope", or run home. Often I'd beat my mum home, and she had handed me personally to a teacher.

I was much the same, except both my parents worked so I'd go back home to an empty house, which I preferred. By Grade 2 I worked out that I didn't really have to go to school, I'd just sit in the gutter down the end of the street and wait for Mum to go to work then I'd go home again. I was always a straight A student though.

I also didn't get diagnosed until age 55, ASD2 got me a full pension, I never have to work again.

Once I started working though things improved. Until they didn't. Depression started to win throughout my teens....

This was true for me too, except the people I worked with in my first job were fantastic and they helped me turn my life around. I had a great life for the most part. I burnt out big time when I was in my late 30s but I still managed to have a lot of fun.

 

[DJ-Daz]

It's good to reflect, if you can learn from it. But reflecting can turn into dwelling. A slippery slope, indeed.

^ This.
Sorry, I posted this as a monologue, now I think it would make a good question to all, so here it is:
What would you change about yourself, something hard but possible?

 

[Outdated]

What would you change about yourself, something hard but possible?

Nothing. I like who I am, I always did.

 

[DJ-Daz]

I was much the same, except both my parents worked so I'd go back home to an empty house, which I preferred. By Grade 2 I worked out that I didn't really have to go to school, I'd just sit in the gutter down the end of the street and wait for Mum to go to work then I'd go home again. I was always a straight A student though.

I also didn't get diagnosed until age 55, ASD2 got me a full pension, I never have to work again.


This was true for me too, except the people I worked with in my first job were fantastic and they helped me turn my life around. I had a great life for the most part. I burnt out big time when I was in my late 30s but I still managed to have a lot of fun.

You've no idea (or maybe you do) how incredible it feels to know others feel the same and have had the same experiences.

 

[Outdated]

You've no idea (or maybe you do) how incredible it feels to know others feel the same and have the same experiences.

That's what makes this forum so valuable. Only people that live it can ever truly understand.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

So your point is very valid, though it needs testing of course.

Listen to the Telepathy Tapes podcast series... that's, in part, what they are doing... that is proving what parents, teachers, and therapists... and even our non-verbal, autistic brothers and sisters have known for decades. So far... this group of individuals are nearly 100% correct. For perspective, those individuals who have worked with government agencies... they are roughly 30%. The general population... roughly 10% correct. Pretty amazing things are about to come out into the open and dismantle a lot of schools of thought. Let's give them another year of testing to create the data sets, and open discussion, but this is going to be really good for everyone, I believe. The implications are going to be far reaching.

 

[Outdated]

Listen to the Telepathy Tapes podcast series...

The brain is an amazing organ that we still have very little understanding of.

Watching water diviners in action in the top of Australia blew my mind. There's no underground aquifers in those regions, instead it's what we call Capillaries. Just small natural pipes through the ground, most often at depths between 70 and 120 metres.

In order to have a productive bore you need to break through as many of those capillaries as possible and drilling holes that deep is an expensive exercise, that's where the water diviners come in. We don't have any technology that can detect those capillaries but an old man with two bits of bent fencing wire in his hands averages about a 70% success rate.

 

[DJ-Daz]

Listen to the Telepathy Tapes podcast series...

Bookmarked, thank you I'll take a listen tomorrow.

 

[Xinyta]

What would you change about yourself, something hard but possible?

It's not so much a change in my character, as much as it is a change in habits, for me. My character is oddly untarnished, despite my internal struggles.

It just about overcoming ANTs(Automatic Negative Thoughts), that is a huge struggle for me. Especially since I started doing this to myself at a rather young age.

 

[DJ-Daz]

ANTs(Automatic Negative Thoughts)

And two hours later I'm out of the rabbit hole. I didn't even know it was a thing, I thought it was just me. So many reasons for it, all of them incredibly bad, but mostly from trauma.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't care what my parents knew or didn't know.

I just want my daddy back.

And I pray every day for health, safety, and long life my mom, my daughter, my in laws, and other relatives and friends.

I don't wanna lose anyone else. I couldn't bear it.

And I just want my daddy.

 

[Masked Man]

If there was one thing I could change that would be my fixations.

I feel like I spend way too much time fixating on things that happened in the past. While I have a good enough handle on the reasons they happened, and why they made me feel the way they do, I still can't stop. It's like when you get a song stuck in your head and you can't stop thinking about it. Except I'm able to stop thinking about a song, but there are events in my past that keep playing.

The only way to mute them (if you will) is when I take a trip to somewhere new or different, I guess because my brain is then occupied with the current task at hand. But when I come back and get settled back into my routine, the invasive thoughts come back. I don't know how to stop them.

 

[Outdated]

But when I come back and get settled back into my routine, the invasive thoughts come back. I don't know how to stop them.

A big part of it will be simple habit. A well worn path for your thoughts to follow any time you're not keeping an eye on yourself. A familiar pattern.

You can retrain that but it takes a lot of work. Pick on a new train of thought and keep going back to it every time you can think of it, something that gives you pleasure. From your post above thinking about new trips you'd want to go on might be a good place to start, it's a healthy enough interest. Try to make something like that the habitual track that your mind will follow when it's left to it's own devices.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't care what my parents knew or didn't know.

I just want my daddy back.

And I pray every day for health, safety, and long life my mom, my daughter, my in laws, and other relatives and friends.

I don't wanna lose anyone else. I couldn't bear it.

And I just want my daddy.

I know that pain. Once we hit our 40's and beyond, it seems that we must deal with loss. Two brothers and a father, so far... not to mention my grandparents... and friends... and coworkers. *Sigh*

I am still learning how to deal with all of this. If you've read some of my other posts as of late, you know I am becoming more aware of what our consciousness is and am accepting that there is something additional to the materialist paradigm of mathematics, physics... the physical world. I am learning that there are entire texts... records of near death experiences (NDEs) that go back thousands of years from all over the world. It's these records that have given rise to what we know of the afterlife... what is taught by religions around the world. Furthermore, human beings are unique in the sense that throughout time, cultures throughout the world, we have sought out some type of separation of our consciousness from ourselves... it may be indigenous peoples use of psychedelics for "spirit walks"... it may be controlled use for psychotherapy sessions... or substance abuse to escape psychological pain and trauma. Furthermore, yet, some of our non-verbal, apraxic, autistic brothers and sisters... appear to be experiencing a mind-body disconnect that on the outside looks devastating...but on the inside, allows them to be able to share consciousness with loved ones, to communicate with friends in a shared consciousness realm called "The Hill", to communicate with people that have left this Earth, to communicate with God. I know... sounds "out there"... but there is a lot of study going on in this area and so far, it's been consistently 100% true. A lot of nay-sayers out there... a lot of mental gymnastics being attempted... it threatens the materialistic paradigm... but this is about to explode into our reality within the next year or two as this information disseminates.

Our consciousness... some call it a soul... our spirit... our light body can be bound or unbound. That it remains as a separate entity... something separate from our brain and body. This "meat sack" we call a body is just the current container... it is quite limiting on several levels. Quite literally thousands of accounts of this separation with vivid descriptions... most of which are consistent throughout time and cultures and religions. In the hospital, we see it too... if you work hospice... witnessed accounts that cannot be explained by science.

What is consistent from these witnessed accounts is that there is love, warmth, joy, vividness... a reality that is far more real than here on Earth. We are rejoined with our loved ones.

The point I am trying to get across here is that (1) this body we occupy right now is temporary and (2) your father is with his loved ones that have passed, experiencing love, joy, and happiness. Sure, we miss people here on Earth... we were left behind... but it isn't our time yet... we still have more to do. Gain wisdom for the collective consciousness of the universe... knowledge that we can all tap into. All we can do is (1) not be so afraid of death and (2) be kind to each other... once we enter this other realm, all this crap we dealt with on Earth, won't matter.

Take care.