The most incredible guy I have ever met

[Brit]

What I mean is that over time, through experience of relationships, I and other Aspies, tend to gain an understanding of what the results then become. I know that my relationships with NTs have all tended to go the same way, with my partner interpreting what I mean instead of listening to what I say, and then flinging that interpretation back at me as if that is what I actually said, whilst also refusing to accept that it was not what I said.

I think the most difficult part of steering away from this 'interpretation' process you describe is that there were so few words spoken - there was a need, at least on my part, to understand what was going on. Therefore I did make many assumptions about his motivations or intent (not his words), but nearly always for the good. Nevertheless I was still never sure whether my reading was correct - hence the misunderstanding.

I think I was very careful in trying not to attribute my one-sided understanding onto his actions. My motto became 'accept it as it is', ie. there's no need to ask for more because its good as it is. Nevertheless I cracked, and being really well-traveled himself I thought the trip we took would be easy/even pleasurable for him.

 

[AO1501]

I think the most difficult part of steering away from this 'interpretation' process you describe is that there were so few words spoken - there was a need, at least on my part, to understand what was going on. Therefore I did make many assumptions about his motivations or intent (not his words), but nearly always for the good. Nevertheless I was still never sure whether my reading was correct - hence the misunderstanding.

I think I was very careful in trying not to attribute my one-sided understanding onto his actions. My motto became 'accept it as it is', ie. there's no need to ask for more because its good as it is. Nevertheless I cracked, and being really well-traveled himself I thought the trip we took would be easy/even pleasurable for him.

In a very practical sense, it is like speaking different languages, where out of a dictionary of many thousands of words, all you know is perhaps a few dozen. Thus when things are said, there are words you know in amongst ones you don't. The tendency then is to infer meaning into the words you don't know, based on the context of the ones you do.

Then there's the other side of the coin - how what you then say is heard and understood. Communication in a relationship is a two-way thing, and even if you have begun to master the art of literal listening, it may be a very different thing to tune yourself into speaking literally in return. Until you can achieve that reliably, what you mean will likely be obscured by the words you use rather than made plain by them. If so, that also hinders open communication.

I am not saying that this is a problem between you, but that it is not untypical in NT/Aspie relationships that this is a problem, and that it lingers as one.

Another facet - potentially a crucial one - in communication is the part that many NTs fail to understand, and we often do not realise might help in articulating positives in relationships. It is that while NTs look for forms of words expressing how they are valued, we tend to deliver our feelings via the things we do - our deeds are often the fundamental expression of our feelings. If there is validation from us to be had, that's the place you're most likely to find it.

 

[Brit]

These are not statements of intent. They may reflect intent, but as has been said already they may be assessments based on experience.



It's possible he believes that this is not an option. He may also think that it's not entirely impossible, but that because he fails and hurts others each time he makes the attempt he ought to just stop hurting people such as yourself.

You're completely right, those statements may simply reflect intent. I just want a chance to show him that not all experiences have to follow the same path. Had I known about Aspergers before I would have never behaved in an overemotional way, but sadly all i've done is further entrench his ideas about how messy and annoying relationships are.

 

[Geirlaug]

To be brief, as I'm aware that this is an incredibly common thread in this forum, the guy who I now suspect has Aspergers has decided to break things off because he couldn't take it anymore.

The first time I met him I was completely enamoured by him and I still feel exactly the same way two years on- the same intensity, the same love. The first time we were together was beyond anything I've ever felt. Sorry perhaps its too much information but I have never felt this strongly about anyone before. Just for context I am often described as very aloof and quite shy with men so this isn't a typical reaction for me.

He also went out of his way to see me. It felt reciprocated. Long story short, his messages became a bit less frequent, as did the conversation so I thought he was becoming less interested. Yet each time I saw him it would be incredible again. Such a confusing ride. Ill spare you all the details, but he finally decided it wasn't worth it and just ended it. I guess I was probing him too much, 'why cant you talk to me' and did call him uncaring. I was just pushing him to react, what an idiot I was.

He has often said things like 'i will never be with anyone' and I actually accepted that. I never really needed any recognition as such. I just want to see him every so often. I feel that he truly loved/cared for me too. Everything he did for me suggests as such (they were very subtle gestures, which I appreciated more than anything), but more importantly I really felt it. I guess my question is, is there anyway I could fix it? I don't want to change him, have completely, and very honestly accepted who he is, but only after realising that his intentions were good all along.

I think this must be a common thread here because had we (NTs) understood Aspergers we would have acted in completely different ways (in most cases). Im an incredibly level headed person. I can accept when things end, but in this case I feel the love was very strong and worth fighting for.

Do I sound naive?

 

[Geirlaug]

Hi. I know exactly what you're going through. Same thing here....

 

[Brit]

Are there any books out there that you would recommend?

 

[Jane Smith]

So, it seems like it's been about a week. Have you tried reaching out to him?

I made a thread about different videos you can watch to educate yourself. Maybe that'll help organize your thoughts so you know what to say?

Do you recommend any videos [For advice]?

It helped me immensely! Especially since some are by Aspies!

 

[NTGUY]

This thread has been somewhat helpful. I meet someone recently who I really like but haveing a hard time figuring out if they like me the same way. It’s hard because I meet him while on vacation where I had the most amazing time with him but now that I’m home which is 600 mikes away the only communication I have with him is via text message. He is very different in person than in text messages. Most of the things I send him I get 1 line replies like “hmm” or “k” I’ve made it very clear that I like him and would like to have a relationship with him but all I got back was an “aww” I’m actually going to see him at end of this month and plan to move there soon. I’m not just moving there for him but he is partly the reason. I really like the area he lives in. It is hard for me to know how to keep in touch with him without over stepping. Last thing I messaged him was to tell him I missed him and asked what he wanted to do together when I come visit. That was yesterday and still have not received a response from him. I always feel like I’m bothering him when I text and never know how long to wait for a reply.

 

[Jane Smith]

Thank you for the link, they seem really useful.

I reached out saying id like to see him again, and his response was "hmm"

I don't know how to read what that means, I feel such despair - like theres no point to anything anymore.

HHmmmm. Well I think that some Aspies just don't know how to communicate. So it might take him a while to deconstruct his thoughts.

 

[AO1501]

...Well I think that some Aspies just don't know how to communicate....

What a very odd thing to say. Indeed I wonder if that is what you meant, because judging by the Aspies here, we do in fact know how to communicate. What we may lack is the ability to communicate in the same way as you do, but that isn't lacking in communication skills, it's lacking in your communication skills.

Otherwise, if you listen to what we say, typically we communicate rather well.

 

[Brit]

What a very odd thing to say. Indeed I wonder if that is what you meant, because judging by the Aspies here, we do in fact know how to communicate. What we may lack is the ability to communicate in the same way as you do, but that isn't lacking in communication skills, it's lacking in your communication skills.

Otherwise, if you listen to what we say, typically we communicate rather well.

Knowing him, it meant - im not sure what to say here ive told you that i don't want to see you already - i know him well enough to know that.

 

[AO1501]

Knowing him, it meant - im not sure what to say here ive told you that i don't want to see you already - i know him well enough to know that.

I mean no disrespect, but rather ironically given the post I responded to, I have no idea what you are trying to communicate with this.

Reading what you have written here, I can't see any real problem with the way he communicates, in as far as you have described it.

 

[BraidedPony]

What does “deconstruct his thoughts” mean? I’m new so I know that everyone knows what this means except me!
Like taking apart your thoughts?

 

[Jane Smith]

What does “deconstruct his thoughts” mean? I’m new so I know that everyone knows what this means except me!
Like taking apart your thoughts?

Oh, sorry. I am using language that I apply to myself. I have to deconstruct thoughts all the time, so I didn't think to explain.

Yeah, you're right. It's taking apart "feelings" or "emotions" you may be feeling and trying to analyze them. Like, for example, if someone insulted you. You might feel bad about it. In order to understand why, some people might deconstruct the situation to feel better.

Does that make sense? I am trying to figure out a way to describe it in a way that doesn't sound like gibberish. xD

 

[BirdsNest]

Lol what relationship is ideal?

I think many have many problems.

Social media, in particular, encouarges us to curate a certain vision of ourselves.

 

[Brit]

You seem like a very caring and understanding person. I'm not sure it's too late to fix things, if you're sure that's what you want. As long as you're sure you can truly accept his behaviour and what that will mean for any relationship.

Asperger guys can have a very deep and steady love for someone but are likely going to feel uncomfortable being asked to demonstrate that. He would expect you to trust how much he loves you, and demands for more demonstration of love might lead to his withdrawal. Well, that's my take on it.

Also, there's an "out of sight, out of mind" thing that happens with aspies, so that he truly might not be thinking of you much when you are not together. You have to be able to take that, even if you feel ignored. He might need significant lengths of time when he's not expected to be putting himself into others shoes and trying to think what they need. Sometimes you're going to have to just tell him what you need, but without overdoing it, or pushing him further than he can handle.

As I said, you seem like a very caring person and I'm kind of hoping you get back together. Maybe try asking him out for dinner or a movie, just as a friend. See if you can start over. But don't rush him, set a slow pace. Good luck!

Was just reading through these messages. These responses were so sweet and helped me so much at the time. We did end up back together, there is hope

 

[Brit]

That's not necessarily so. It may be that romance is extremely important to him, but he's pretty much convinced that it is impossible for him because of this communication problem which he experiences each time he tries. If you can work through that together it may be the most important thing in his life, but he may need to be convinced that it's even possible. I don't know if this is true, but from what you've said you don't seem to be in a position to say what is going on in his head with certainty.

When you believe that you do know what is going on in his head you make it impossible for him to tell you what is really going on in his head, given that they are different. This can be the biggest problem. You have seen that you can be mistaken with him in a way which you would not be with most men because you can't read him in the same way. If you can keep in mind that you may be mistaken in the future, you may be mistaken right now and you're willing to look for the signs of that, you're way ahead of so many people in this situation.

Mr Spock I also wanted to thank you for all your comments. After re-reading this thread I can see that I missed a lot of the what you were saying, because i was being over emotional no doubt...not listening. We ended up seeing each other again, and have a much more beautiful version of what we had before. He is such a wonderful person, thank you for helping me through it.

 

[Omnik]

Sorry, but I can`t get it. If you really in love, you simply should not go away. If you have stopped struggling, then it was not love at all. My DW has MS and I knew about her diagnosis when I met her. We have been together for 5 years already and there was not a day that I have not been grateful I found her. She is my love, and that`s it, Without any hesitations I married her because she is my life. If you feel the same, you need to be next to him. Love is also about care and devotion. This is our wedding play list https://www.weddingforward.com/country-wedding-songs/ I`d like to share with you. I wish everyone in love will smile right now