The most incredible guy I have ever met

[Brit]

To be brief, as I'm aware that this is an incredibly common thread in this forum, the guy who I now suspect has Aspergers has decided to break things off because he couldn't take it anymore.

The first time I met him I was completely enamoured by him and I still feel exactly the same way two years on- the same intensity, the same love. The first time we were together was beyond anything I've ever felt. Sorry perhaps its too much information but I have never felt this strongly about anyone before. Just for context I am often described as very aloof and quite shy with men so this isn't a typical reaction for me.

He also went out of his way to see me. It felt reciprocated. Long story short, his messages became a bit less frequent, as did the conversation so I thought he was becoming less interested. Yet each time I saw him it would be incredible again. Such a confusing ride. Ill spare you all the details, but he finally decided it wasn't worth it and just ended it. I guess I was probing him too much, 'why cant you talk to me' and did call him uncaring. I was just pushing him to react, what an idiot I was.

He has often said things like 'i will never be with anyone' and I actually accepted that. I never really needed any recognition as such. I just want to see him every so often. I feel that he truly loved/cared for me too. Everything he did for me suggests as such (they were very subtle gestures, which I appreciated more than anything), but more importantly I really felt it. I guess my question is, is there anyway I could fix it? I don't want to change him, have completely, and very honestly accepted who he is, but only after realising that his intentions were good all along.

I think this must be a common thread here because had we (NTs) understood Aspergers we would have acted in completely different ways (in most cases). Im an incredibly level headed person. I can accept when things end, but in this case I feel the love was very strong and worth fighting for.

Do I sound naive?

 

[Bolletje]

I don't think you sound naive.
I think you sound like someone who's just been dumped and is still looking for ways to fix the relationship that no longer is.
I understand your pain and I understand why you're grasping for fixes.

Truth is, he broke up with you because he no longer wants to be with you for whatever reason. There is nothing we can do to help you with that. The only person who can help you understand what happened, and who can answer if there is something you can do to fix this, is your ex.

I'd suggest you take care of yourself. Pamper yourself, be nice to yourself, and try to move on.

 

[Brit]

Thank you. I just felt so upset that it took me so long to understand his behaviour/actions. So upset to think that its possible that he will always be misunderstood by women and it will be one relationship after another that ends like this. Thats not fair on him. Is there anything I could do to help him understand the difference, not to change, just to understand? Or am I being presumptive in thinking that this would be helpful?

 

[Spoopy]

Really, I think it would depend on how long you've been seeing each other. It is a lot easier to not go back to someone when you haven't been together for that long.

Also while relationships are "work", there appears to be an incompatibility between you two. If he told you from the start about Aspergers as my boyfriend did, I would have (and did) look into it from the start to try and understand him better going into it. However, that's just how I think and as I've now found out, I could have Aspergers too so sorry if that sounds harsh.

My advice would be to learn from it, work on yourself, take care of yourself (you seem like a nice enough person) and if he wants to come back, he will. The worst thing you can do is not give him space right now, but don't hold your breath for him to come back. It's a tired old saying but "there's plenty more fish in the sea".

 

[Morph]

You seem like a very caring and understanding person. I'm not sure it's too late to fix things, if you're sure that's what you want. As long as you're sure you can truly accept his behaviour and what that will mean for any relationship.

Asperger guys can have a very deep and steady love for someone but are likely going to feel uncomfortable being asked to demonstrate that. He would expect you to trust how much he loves you, and demands for more demonstration of love might lead to his withdrawal. Well, that's my take on it.

Also, there's an "out of sight, out of mind" thing that happens with aspies, so that he truly might not be thinking of you much when you are not together. You have to be able to take that, even if you feel ignored. He might need significant lengths of time when he's not expected to be putting himself into others shoes and trying to think what they need. Sometimes you're going to have to just tell him what you need, but without overdoing it, or pushing him further than he can handle.

As I said, you seem like a very caring person and I'm kind of hoping you get back together. Maybe try asking him out for dinner or a movie, just as a friend. See if you can start over. But don't rush him, set a slow pace. Good luck!

 

[Suzanne]

Basing this on how I was when I started to date, you have to call it over.

I was "in love" for two weeks and then, in truth, could not stand to even look at the chap and at the time, had no idea about aspergers. I did feel ashamed and always tried to end gently, but well, there is not gentle way to say: I can't stand you!

I am married and although for a fair while now, have gone through those exact feelings with my husband, but of course, being married, does not give me free ride to be as I was when not married.

By the way, you do not sound niave at all and you do sound level headed.

Sorry, I do not refer that he cannot stand the sight of you; but well, I wonder if you were a bit too intensive with him? I know that nt men don't even cope with intense feelings so well and that goes for us aspies even more so. Intense feelings frighten us; makes me feel out of control.

 

[BirdsNest]

Why did he decide it 'wasn't worth it'?

Did you get a chance to talk that over with him? x

 

[Brit]

Thank you for all the responses. I really do hope we can make it work together again. Thank you for saying that.

The reason for the break was to do with a trip we went on together. A lot of the logistics didn’t work out- which was my fault as I had planned the trip. He had quite a bad attitude about it, and though I definitely could see why, I still wanted him to ‘take it on the chin’ and enjoy the time we had together.

He wanted to suddenly leave, and i was really upset, a lot of crying etc. He did leave, and the following day when I saw him I realised that perhaps he didn’t know how to react to my behaviour. He was sitting right next to me as I was kind of silently crying and he did nothing, no reaction whatsover for over an hour as we travelled to the airport.

Then suddenly everything made sense, slowly fitting together.

It was this trip that made him back off, and then decide there was no point. The saddest part is that it was precisely this trip that made me realise. I wouldn’t have known without the drama.

 

[BirdsNest]

Heya,

Sorry I'm with most of what you're explaining. Not clear on this bit:

It was this trip that made him back off, and then decide there was no point. The saddest part is that it was precisely this trip that made me realise. I wouldn’t have known without the drama.

Made you realise what?

If things were othwise quite good, this is a small thing to leave someone over. :/

Although I get that AS can lead to disaster-type thinking. One small things goes wrong and that is taken as a sign of something much deeper that is wrong, and since communication is difficult dealing with the problem feels overwhelming. Therefore = avoid that situation, as much as that might hurt.

love to you xx

 

[Brit]

It made me realise that he was not just being cold/distant, but that he possibly couldn’t understand what I was feeling.

 

[Brit]

Just for context, we live in different cities and I had periodically questioned his feelings towards me. So there had been many over-emotional moments that he dealt really well with.

 

[Tom]

Yes, we get a few people like yourself most weeks. Its pretty impossible for us to really give any practical advice as to trying and repair it. One, we don't actually know if he is autistic. Two, he already quit the relationship. Three, we only have 1 side of the story. Live and Learn.

 

[BraidedPony]

If I try and put myself in your boyfriend’s shoes for a minute, here is what I think may have happened.
On the trip, which he was dreading a bit anyway, had some sudden changes of plans when things didnt go as planned. He freaked out, had anxiety and instead of telling you this, he tried his best to hide his anxiety the vest he could. But he had to leave and go home, he just couldnt handle the trip.
Then, when he was doing what he had to do ie, leave for home, you became upset and cried. Now at this point(remember, Im just guessing) he is on his last nerve and hanging on the best he can, and now you are upset and he just cant cope with it. The situation became overwhelming.
So now he is feeling like a total failure, he is reviewing every time something unplanned happened on the trip and analyzing how, in his mind, he screwed it up and even though he did the best he could the result was you were crying. (Which is understandable that you were upset and crying by the way!)
So in his mind he failed upon failure and is thinking that it would just be better to break up, he lives alone forever and you find someone that can travel in a carefree fashion and give appropriate comfort when you are upset.
That is my take on it, for what it’s worth.

 

[Brit]

That’s exactly how I see it too. But what to do now? Have I screwed it up for good with my bad behaviour.

 

[BraidedPony]

I would not call your behavior bad. You are human, you have emotions and you are very young. You may have felt responsible for the mess ups in the trip because you are the one who made the plans. You would have noticed your boyfriend’s stress level increasing along with your own.
I don’t see why the relationship cannot be repaired. But, would you be OK with a partner that gets overwhelmed and isn't able to comfort you? Not because he doesn't care, but he just doesn’t have the neurons that do that. I don’t know him of course, maybe he can give comfort, just not all the time, but then who can? Would you be OK with having a network of girlfriends that you can go to for support about all the intricacies of social interactions about friends, family and work relationships?
I think you should call him and talk about it. Short talks, not deep emotional marathons. Maybe you two would be great partners in the traditional sense, or friends, or another unique relationship not found in movies or books.

 

[Brit]

I love your outlook. Yes I don’t need any emotional output from him, I’m self-sufficient in those ways usually. It was the misunderstanding that caused those emotional outbursts. But it’s also clearly more important to me than it is to him. How to talk him into looking at it again, without an element of persuasion

 

[Bolletje]

It’s also worth considering that even if he is on the spectrum, that doesn’t have to be at the root of your breakup. So it might not change anything.

 

[Brit]

Yes I also agree it’s not necessarily the root of the breakup. Though the misunderstanding between us seemed so insurmountable until I realised that it might be that we’re wired differently.

 

[Pats]

It sounds like he tried to tell you he'd never be with anyone and, although, you say you accepted that about him, you really didn't because even now after he has ended things you still are wanting him to be with you. And no matter how fascinated you are over someone, it does change over time. Keep this one for your fantasies and he'll always be the fascinating person the rest of your life. Dreams and fantasy are always better than real life and he can always be that only if you keep him in your past. Am I making sense?

 

[Brit]

Yes it does make sense. Though we were never formally ‘together’ over this whole period of time either, so when I said I wanted to see him that’s all I meant. To see him when it was good for him. It was a secret from our friends and family, because they wouldn’t have really allowed it to happen for various reasons.

Desire does diminish over time, I know it’s not exactly how it was in the beginning, but the passion between us really did remain the same. He was, I think, a bit mesmerised by how I looked etc and me by his strong character/resolve. I can see that it’s not an ideal situation for most people, but it worked for us to some extent.