The Eye-Contact thing and empathy..

[Spiller]

I was wondering, with many Aspies and Auties finding difficulty in making eye contact with others, if there is any correlation with our individual ability/priority to feel emotion and empathise. From other threads here on AC, I've noted that some of us are highly empathic and emotional (the Deanna Troys), myself included, whilst others don't see these traits as particularly important or, indeed relevent at all, preferring logic over feeling (the Mr Spocks).. my sister, who's also an Aspie would tend toward this way of being.. I've never micky-taken and called her Mr Spock though
I find eye contact difficult with people I can't form any emotional link with, my eyes begin to hurt and I have to look away to rest them.. with many people I don't have much of a problem.. but with a few, who I feel an empathic/emotional bond with, I want to maintain eye contact and enjoy the greater level of personal connection it engenders.
I'd be interested in others' thoughts on this issue, so here's a poll..
For purposes of definition:
(For those philistines who don't watch Star Trek.. I know, right? )
Deanna Troy - empathic/emotive.
Mr Spock - logical/rational.
Adequate - (in)sufficient to pass as acceptable within your culture.
Also, I've allowed the option to make two selections, as I'm a 'Deanna Troy' who can make eye contact, but it also depends on the person.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I would have checked two answers if i could have. Primarily, I am emotional and feel/show empathy - even if my experience of empathy probably differs from the norm due to not being able to put myself in other people's shoes, I merely empathize based on my own experience alone. Also, my elementary school emphasized eye contact and paying attention to whoever was speaking to you, so it was drilled into me from an early age. My parents did this as well. But even so my level of eye contact varies depending on my own feelings and who I'm talking to. If its a manager i'm nervous around, I'll avoid direct eye contact, but if its a coworker i talk to all the time i'll make eye contact just fine, for example. It also depends how overloaded i am - if i'm overloaded i won't make eye contact with anyone, or will only make minimal eye contact.

 

[Spiller]

I would have checked two answers if i could have. Primarily, I am emotional and feel/show empathy - even if my experience of empathy probably differs from the norm due to not being able to put myself in other people's shoes, I merely empathize based on my own experience alone. Also, my elementary school emphasized eye contact and paying attention to whoever was speaking to you, so it was drilled into me from an early age. My parents did this as well. But even so my level of eye contact varies depending on my own feelings and who I'm talking to. If its a manager i'm nervous around, I'll avoid direct eye contact, but if its a coworker i talk to all the time i'll make eye contact just fine, for example. It also depends how overloaded i am - if i'm overloaded i won't make eye contact with anyone, or will only make minimal eye contact.

Hey Kari, I actually made the poll such that you can make two selections.. sounds like you want 'Deanna Troy who can'. Thanks for having a look at it

 

[DogwoodTree]

Like a Vulcan, I'm highly emotional inside, but it's buried waaaayyy deep where no one ever gets to really experience it. Sometimes it's even hard for me to access it. So mostly I appear to be logical/analytical, but it's a battle inside.

With some people, especially one-on-one or in a situation where I've disciplined myself (like for work), I can make adequate and appropriate eye contact. But with other people or situations or conversational topics, I struggle with it.

 

[inabox]

Mostly I do not make adequate eye contact, but it does depend on who I am talking to.
I make good (as in constant) eye contact if the person I am unlucky enough to be speaking to is driving me mad and being really really nasty, though this looks potentially threatening because I think at the time I would have a look on my face like I'd do anything to attack them.
Or if I am very comfortable with someone (so far, just my [late] partner, and my son) I can have eye contact with them that I'm thinking would almost resemble how an NT's eye contact would happen, the exception being when I would really like to be alone, and I'd rather not look at anyone.

 

[AsheSkyler]

When I'm having a "normal day", I can make eye contact with minimal issue. I may still stare at a nose, cheek, lock of hair, ear, or just behind their head instead of right into their eyes, but they don't seem to notice. I do look away a lot, but I have a desk job. There are a lot of things to make me appear busy while I carry on conversation. But the woman I was dealing with today wasn't threatening, so that might have had something to do with it. Her body language and actions clearly stated "I am distressed" but not in the "and I am going to bite your head off" side. So it was fairly easy making eye contact with her. And she had some cool bluish green irises, I liked looking at them. When I have to deal with somebody who is stand-offish with short phrases, their arms are crossed, head half thrown back, and constantly staring ahead, I don't make eye contact much. I guess because in that lady's case, eye contact is a way of showing care, and with the standoffish people it's a way of showing that you have no wish to challenge them and they might relax. Not that I'm scared of standoffish people, I simply don't have the patience for them anymore.

But when I'm having an "autistic day", all bets are off. I make fleeting eye contact at best, and tend to spend the rest of the time trying very hard to focus on what I'm doing enough to complete it and battling with sensory issues.

I'm not sure where I fall on the emotional scale. I've got emotions, but they are easily repressed in bad situations and it isn't terribly difficult to trigger my analytical/fix-it side. Some may call me emotional. I do spend a lot of time joking, cutting up, and generally displaying emotion at work. At home I tend to be a bit more grouchy since I have a loud, noisy two-year-old that's just being a toddler. I was not cut out for toddlers.

 

[wyverary]

I checked Deanna Troy and Cannot Make Eye Contact and Varies Depending on Whom I'm Talking to. Most of the time, in my personal life, I'm Deanna Troy: highly empathic. Sometimes when I'm at work, though, depending on the task I'm doing, I go into outright Vulcan mode. My boss will be trying to talk to me and I'll just be sitting there doing my job giving the occasional indication that I'm listening, and most of his jokes go completely over my head.

 

[Warmheart]

Deanna Troi, and my ability to manage eye contact depends on who I am speaking with, and what sort of day I am having.

 

[Harrison]

Mine depends on who I'm talking to, the 'closer' they are to me the easier it is to share eye contact. In my general work environment I don't have eye contact except fleetingly.

 

[Zack]

I voted as being like Spock without being able to make acceptable eye contact, though this varies depending on who I'm talking to.

I more comfortably make eye contact with people I see consistently, like my partner. I still struggle to pay attention to what people close to me are saying while also making eye contact. If I'm really trying to listen, I tend to look past their right ear or look down (which gets me in more trouble than the former).

At work when I'm talking to someone, it's usually about some kind of data so I can look down at a spreadsheet or just take notes while they are speaking rather than look in their eyes (or have anxiety about when to look in their eyes, which can be just as distracting).

I also can't make eye contact and keep my train of thought while I'm explaining things. If I do happen to look in the person's eyes while speaking, it's like my brain completely forgets where it is. I've even had to ask the person what I was talking about after panicking because I lost track.

In general this eye-looking thing is really distracting.

 

[Zack]

Like a Vulcan, I'm highly emotional inside, but it's buried waaaayyy deep where no one ever gets to really experience it. Sometimes it's even hard for me to access it. So mostly I appear to be logical/analytical, but it's a battle inside.

I like how you put this, DogwoodTree. I experience emotion like this as well. It drives my partner crazy. He never understands how (or gets that) I'm actually feeling. But I also can't explain it to him because I don't understand or can't identify exactly what the emotion is - even when I know I'm feeling something 100%.

 

[Progster]

I put "varies.." but I'm more the Mr Spock type (with a touch of Data), I tend to approach things practically rather than emotionally.

 

[Spiller]

I like how you put this, DogwoodTree. I experience emotion like this as well. It drives my partner crazy. He never understands how (or gets that) I'm actually feeling. But I also can't explain it to him because I don't understand or can't identify exactly what the emotion is - even when I know I'm feeling something 100%.

I and my last GF found that patience was a virtue as we both had to give each other 2-3 days processing time before we could talk about many issues. It's not easy, I swear, but I valued her beyond my immediate needs.. I put her before me and my quest for answers! It worked until her priorities changed.. but it worked well for us both!

 

[MicroWeiss]

I used to not make eye contact as a kid. I enjoyed looking at people but got agitated if they looked back at me. Like it would scare me that they could see me or something. My parents were always ordering me to look people in the eye and stuff, so given enough time and frustration at not being able to do it I psyched myself into it. I remember when I was around 11 I would force myself to make eye contact with people as I walked past them at the library, and one guy's eyes and face reflected what could be described as extreme guilt, I remember that really had a big impact on me. A responsible looking adult experiencing an emotion like that. It was a bit empowering, knowing that I could see an emotion on someone's face. I guess up until then I thought everyone could effectively hide their emotions if they wanted to.

But recently it has been getting worse, like a lot of emotional pain and stuff I have experienced last year seems to have stemmed from looking people in the eye and attempting to show vulnerability and empathy. It turns out to be more than I can handle. I think that not looking directly at anyone, and keeping people in my peripheral vision might be the best thing for me at this point in my life.

 

[DogwoodTree]

It was a bit empowering, knowing that I could see an emotion on someone's face. I guess up until then I thought everyone could effectively hide their emotions if they wanted to.

But recently it has been getting worse, ... It turns out to be more than I can handle. I think that not looking directly at anyone, and keeping people in my peripheral vision might be the best thing for me at this point in my life.

Have you watched any of the TV series Lie to Me? It gives a lot of information about the many ways emotions are written on our faces in very subtle, quick flashes...but if you know what to look for, most people can't hide their emotions very well at all.

Maybe just understanding the science of it might help give you a sense of balance and objectivity with what you see?

 

[Leej07]

I have trouble making eye contact with most people.

 

[Zack]

I used to not make eye contact as a kid. I enjoyed looking at people but got agitated if they looked back at me. Like it would scare me that they could see me or something.

It's interesting that you say this- I definitely understand feeling invisible in a group of people. It's feeling like an observer rather than someone who partakes in the social interaction. I like how you put that feeling into words.

Suddenly being too involved in another individual's inner world (as a result of eye contact) is definitely a major reason I avoid it. Maybe because I don't understand how they could be perceiving the situation, or because I don't understand how to percieve the situation myself.

Also, thank you for sharing the story about the guilty man, MicroWeiss. What a revelation to have as a child! I hope you find strength to recover form the pain you've been feeling lately. Best of luck to you.

 

[MicroWeiss]

Have you watched any of the TV series Lie to Me? It gives a lot of information about the many ways emotions are written on our faces in very subtle, quick flashes...but if you know what to look for, most people can't hide their emotions very well at all.

Maybe just understanding the science of it might help give you a sense of balance and objectivity with what you see?

Yes, my brother got me into it. I watched about 3 seasons, it was pretty engrossing. Most of the emotions they showed were criminal type ones, like rage, disgust, secretly happy at things going bad, lying, etc. Still I find that it is hard to put any of it in practice, because people just deny having emotions when you suggest it to them. And I'm not so sure of myself that I press the matter. For example, if my manager gets a look of pain and loathing on his face any time I ask him about work related issues, and he changes the subject to chit chat and non-work related issues, I see it on his face every time, and yet I am 99% sure if I said "you seem to hate it when I bring up work", he would just reply "no no, I can't believe -you- would think a thing like that.". And it would suddenly be my problem that I am being a jerk. I guess the only perspective to take is that it is for my personal information reading how people feel. I'm just not a great mentor or argumentative enough to take anyone to task for it to be useful. Not knowing could be an improvement.

 

[MicroWeiss]

It's interesting that you say this- I definitely understand feeling invisible in a group of people. It's feeling like an observer rather than someone who partakes in the social interaction. I like how you put that feeling into words.

Suddenly being too involved in another individual's inner world (as a result of eye contact) is definitely a major reason I avoid it. Maybe because I don't understand how they could be perceiving the situation, or because I don't understand how to percieve the situation myself.

Also, thank you for sharing the story about the guilty man, MicroWeiss. What a revelation to have as a child! I hope you find strength to recover form the pain you've been feeling lately. Best of luck to you.

Thanks Zack. There really is too much to think about in gauging others perception. It seems respectful, because you don't want to influence someone in an emotional direction that may not be right for them. I guess that is how I feel when looking at someone and feeling overwhelmed with what I see/feel. Like maybe they don't respect me that much, or they are just going through such strong emotions that they can't help it. A number of times I have heard someone say that everyone has positive intentions. With Asperger's type people I actually can believe it, there is just not as much malice or reading between the lines necessary, you might even get somewhere with asking direct questions, with a NT person who seems to be behaving destructively, it takes a bigger stretch of the imagination. I don't go too far trying to prove that people have positive intentions, maybe it is a healthy mental exercise. That just occurred to me reading what you wrote.

 

[JMcCauley]

I wish I could've chosen Cyclops (X men). I don't like to make too much eye contact, because when I do I make too strong a connection with people and it is unnerving, for both of us. Sometimes I use this to get people to leave me alone, but I don't make much eye contact with anyone but my wife otherwise.