The Eye-Contact thing and empathy..

[TragicKingdom]

I was wondering, with many Aspies and Auties finding difficulty in making eye contact with others, if there is any correlation with our individual ability/priority to feel emotion and empathise. From other threads here on AC, I've noted that some of us are highly empathic and emotional (the Deanna Troys), myself included, whilst others don't see these traits as particularly important or, indeed relevent at all, preferring logic over feeling (the Mr Spocks).. my sister, who's also an Aspie would tend toward this way of being.. I've never micky-taken and called her Mr Spock though
I find eye contact difficult with people I can't form any emotional link with, my eyes begin to hurt and I have to look away to rest them.. with many people I don't have much of a problem.. but with a few, who I feel an empathic/emotional bond with, I want to maintain eye contact and enjoy the greater level of personal connection it engenders.
I'd be interested in others' thoughts on this issue, so here's a poll..
For purposes of definition:
(For those philistines who don't watch Star Trek.. I know, right? )
Deanna Troy - empathic/emotive.
Mr Spock - logical/rational.
Adequate - (in)sufficient to pass as acceptable within your culture.
Also, I've allowed the option to make two selections, as I'm a 'Deanna Troy' who can make eye contact, but it also depends on the person.

I do not watch Star Trek (I am a Star Wars nerd), hence, I cannot make a selection from that list.

Eye contact: I can maintain it with someone I am intimate with and truly care about-- That is no problem. But that makes up about 1% of people in the World.

Everyone else, I look directly above their brow (An illusion that I am looking in their eyes) or and most likely, my eyes constantly drift around the environment locking onto more interesting objects be it a building or someone's cat, their wallpaper or the entrance to their kitchen. Swift eye-movements darting like a hawk.

Empathy: I have been told by my last girlfriend that I lack empathy-- I do not believe that is totally true: I have deep, sad feelings for animals, homeless people, lonely people, the sick/dying, addicts, etc. I just do not really care much for the average NT and their lowly ambitions. So, I ask, why should I even bother to give them my full attention when all they return in kind is foolishness and lack of depth?

 

[inabox]

I do not watch Star Trek (I am a Star Wars nerd), hence, I cannot make a selection from that list.

Eye contact: I can maintain it with someone I am intimate with and truly care about-- That is no problem. But that makes up about 1% of people in the World.

Everyone else, I look directly above their brow (An illusion that I am looking in their eyes) or and most likely, my eyes constantly drift around the environment locking onto more interesting objects be it a building or someone's cat, their wallpaper or the entrance to their kitchen. Swift eye-movements darting like a hawk.

I agree.

Empathy: I have been told by my last girlfriend that I lack empathy-- I do not believe that is totally true: I have deep, sad feelings for animals, homeless people, lonely people, the sick/dying, addicts, etc. I just do not really care much for the average NT and their lowly ambitions. So, I ask, why should I even bother to give them my full attention when all they return in kind is foolishness and lack of depth?

I am the same as this and can relate to it and is comarpable, and similar in a way to how I think about who I show love to. I have been told numerous times in the past I would fail miserably as a mother, because, as an Aspie, I "can't show love". This is totally untrue, and I just don't feel like "sharing the love" to everyone I ever meet. I think this is very reasonable, considering I have met some really vile examples of humankind. These kind of people probably make up the 99% of the world's population you refer to when you are talking about eye contact.

 

[TragicKingdom]

I agree.

I am the same as this and can relate to it and is comarpable, and similar in a way to how I think about who I show love to. I have been told numerous times in the past I would fail miserably as a mother, because, as an Aspie, I "can't show love". This is totally untrue, and I just don't feel like "sharing the love" to everyone I ever meet. I think this is very reasonable, considering I have met some really vile examples of humankind. These kind of people probably make up the 99% of the world's population you refer to when you are talking about eye contact.

Well said, inabox.

I love to show love, yes, but I cannot and should not shower it on just anyone.

Love is different from compassion-- I feel more of a sense of compassion for all humans than love. Love must be nurtured in a safe environment and shown to those that truly care for you and at least attempt to understand you/me.

I only have one friend, sad and pathetic as that sounds. Having a large flock of friends is just not me. It wears me out.

My best shows of love/compassion is in a romantic relationship, I believe; That person gets all of me, my attention and the rest.

The last Woman I dated most likely had Aspergers-- we really seemed to understand one-another and it was great. What more would I need? I believe I would be happy/content in a monogamous relationship with a Woman. That satiates me.

 

[tree]

When I look people in the eyes and listen, I can't think. How can I get around this? - Quora

In order to concentrate on what my 8th grade Science teacher was saying I employed a technique gleaned
from an advice column I saw in a magazine for women. Topic was how to make a man feel like you love him
and are paying attention. I didn't want the teacher to love me. I wanted to get through the class without feeling
terrible. I did what the columnist said to do: looked at the teacher's mouth while he talked.

I did the same thing in another class, later. Undergrad Economics. The teacher was an ex-marine; white shirt,
buzz cut. I was intimidated by the subject matter and the instructor. The technique helped me in both classes.

As far as making eye contact....Sure, if I don't want to know what the other person is saying, I can fix my gaze
on their eyes. I really can only concentrate on one thing at a time when people are in my same air space.

 

[Spiller]

When I look people in the eyes and listen, I can't think. How can I get around this? - Quora

In order to concentrate on what my 8th grade Science teacher was saying I employed a technique gleaned
from an advice column I saw in a magazine for women. Topic was how to make a man feel like you love him
and are paying attention. I didn't want the teacher to love me. I wanted to get through the class without feeling
terrible. I did what the columnist said to do: looked at the teacher's mouth while he talked.

I did the same thing in another class, later. Undergrad Economics. The teacher was an ex-marine; white shirt,
buzz cut. I was intimidated by the subject matter and the instructor. The technique helped me in both classes.

As far as making eye contact....Sure, if I don't want to know what the other person is saying, I can fix my gaze
on their eyes. I really can only concentrate on one thing at a time when people are in my same air space.

I came across the looking-at-peoples-mouths tip and tried it for a while - still do occasionally just to see, but I found that it made me more aware of people looking at my mouth when I speak and, possibly due to the difficulty I have with the meaning of body language, I start wondering if I've got food in my teeth, or I'm spitting or something.. so I just figured that they thought the same if I looked at their mouths.
I never realised it made a man feel like you love him and are paying attention though.. I wonder if it works the other way around?
I was looking at noses, eyebrows and eyelids for ages.. but then I became aware that I was increasingly fascinated by irises - the colours, patterns, detail.. looking directly at pupils still hurts with most people, but isn't usually a problem with those
I'm comfortable with.
I have, though, recently determined that I feel an uncomfortable 'pressure' when I look at someone and they're looking at me, as if their eyes are actually pushing on me - in a roomful, that's almost unbearable.
Air space now, there's a thing. I'm very aware of people breathing at me and I have to like them to be ok with it, otherwise it's a test of endurance!

 

[tree]

The look-at-the mouth tip worked in class.
School room was not egalitarian.
It was obvious who the 'boss'/alpha was.
Looking as if you weren't paying attention would get you a bad grade or a surprise question.

I don't find myself using the technique around people in non-classroom situations.
The few people I know socially don't mind if I seem to be looking off into the distance.
They know I am listening that way. Some people realize that I am paying attention to what they are saying,
because they see that I am making a point of paying attention to nothing else.

 

[Omega]

Eye-contact is a serious problem for me. I have tried the brow, the upper lip and the bridge of the nose none of them work for me. The only time that I can hold eye-contact is when I'm extremely angry.

 

[Adora]

Eye contact is hard with most people,but it's seems to be a little easier to make eye contact with my husband even though i can't look way too long,but I'm more like deanna Troy than Spock, I have empathy and emotional but I still feel detached from people and cannot get close or as my husband says sometimes "give them a chance"

 

[Drew]

I discovered looking at the mouth all on my own when I was in my teens, it gives the illusion that your looking at a persons eyes but your not. I had to develop that tool because I lived in a hostile area were not giving eye contact was seen as weak, not looking got me into a lot of fights so developing that was a must and it does work. Empathy I have little to none. I can't put myself in someone else's shoes to do so is not logical and isn't a productive use of my time.