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Featured The biggest factors keeping me from having a girlfriend

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Markness, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    1. Shyness and anxiety
    I am naturally shy and anxious. I can talk to women in general social situations but when it comes to approaching them for dates, the shyness magnifies exponentially and I become anxious about getting rejected and facing another failure in life. Whenever I go out, I feel awkward and uncertain of what to do socially.

    2. Non-religious
    I live in a area where people are generally Christian even if they don’t take the tenants of Christianity very seriously. I grew up as a Christian but de-converted when I became clinically depressed. Why don’t I go back to Christianity? Even when I was a Christian, that didn’t necessarily translate to positive social interaction.

    3. Bad body shape
    I am overweight to the point I am borderline obese. I have fat hanging off my chin, my chest, my stomach, my sides, and my butt. Oddly, my forearms are thin and my hands are very weak. I have exercised to try to trim off the fat but I apparently do everything wrong and I get frustrated with how repetitive exercise feels.

    4. My general mood and attitude
    This is a hard pill for me to swallow but I am generally negative in my outlook on life. Granted, I have clinical depression, a lot of failures in my past, and I get treated badly by others who don’t understand me but apparently having a negative outlook isn’t going to help me.

    5. My living situation
    I still live with my mother at age 31 and I work only part time. Anxiety interferes with my ability to move out as well as seek different employment.

    6. My interests and hobbies
    I really shouldn’t care what others think about what I enjoy but women where I live tend to avoid “geeky/nerdy” men as well as men who aren’t crazy about football, country music, and going to church.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  2. jared mills

    jared mills Rookie

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    the one factor that's keeping me from being found a girlfriend:how i appear to them upon eye-contact & how i hate it so much,as well as them because of that,as well as other aspies like us does :(:(:(:(:(:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::angry::angry::angry::angry::angry::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage:.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
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  3. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    Now that you have identified some problem areas, all of which are correctable, commit to CHANGE!

    Action Plan:

    (1) Get a better job, full-time. (Acquire skills if necessary)

    (2) Join a fitness center, run and lift weights 3 days per week. Also take a self defense class to toughen yourself up.

    (3) Acquire interests and hobbies in come with women in your area.

    (4) Move out of the house with Mom. Yes she may guilt you for this, but it's part of growing up.

    (5) Go out where people socialize, improve your style (clothes, hair, physical appearance, manners, etc.) Critically evaluate yourself and continually work to improve yourself.

    (6) Be realistic, it will take time to make these changes - a year minimum.

    Problem solved. Now execute plan.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  4. Dan Dan

    Dan Dan Im a dog person!

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    I can absolutely relate with number 1. Almost as it I had written it myself. All my encounters with females have happened when I was approached by them. Shyness is awful and has restricted me my whole life. I can't help but think back on all the opportunities ive missed out on because I'm shy. I know I'd be married to "the one" by now.
    Number 2 I can't relate with because I live in a non religious area.
    Number 3 I can because I used to be quite overweight and this had a huge impact on my confidence and esteem. Now I've lost the weight and I do feel better in myself.
    Now number 4, for me directly relates to number 3. For me eating healthy, losing weight and generally becoming more healthy will increase your mood and attitude thus cancelling out number 4 or at least a percentage of it. I've learned that eating the right things WILL make you feel better.
    Number 5. There are many people around your age who live with their parents its not an unusual thing these days. I have anxiety and I understand how challenging it can be to find a job you're comfortable with. Just have to keep looking and eventually you will find your perfect job.
    Number 6. I am a nerd. And I'm proud to be. Perhaps the ideal partner for you would be a fellow nerd. I know mine would.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    It's easy to complain but to actually make a plan and do something about it is success. Don't worry how long it takes but break it down in to doable things. Full- time job will give you some confidence. Move out of mom's house once you think the 40 hour-week is okay and you can support yourself. Losing weight can happen today. Start cutting back on food , allow yourself one small cheat day a week. And start walking, even walking on treadmill for 20 mins every other day, this will help with depression. Finally, do you need therapy? Maybe you should think about this. And slowly start applying for jobs, go in with a happy attitude, fake it if you have too! Good luck, on your Mark, get set- shoot for the moon.

    Living with mom isn't as horrible as it use to be because the job market dried up. Getting a full-time job is hard where l live.
     
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  6. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    I honestly can’t use a treadmill. They hurt my feet whenever I use them.

    I’ve been in therapy since 2006 with different therapists. It’s just that I keep getting treated terribly by others, the culture I live in is so messed up, and I have a dark cloud wherever I go so I stay depressed.
     
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  7. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Follow your interests and go to some regular groups and classes you are interested in. Find an eating plan that suits you , I found just eating less was easiest, plus walking and swimming. You only need to meet some women regularly and just see who is interested in you... good luck!
     
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  8. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    Well, I did used to be part of a Meet Up group that was meant for “nerdy/geeky” people and I’ve taken college courses that I was interested in but they didn’t necessarily translate to social success. In fact, my experiences actually made me feel worse.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  9. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    The biggest factor in your moving ahead is your unwillingness to do hard things. All those things you mention would be a little bit hard to very hard. Instead of attempting them, you are frozen in the status quo. I'm not saying you're not trying, but actually, it looks like you'd rather obsess about obstacles than overcome any of them.
     
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  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Swimming is very popular with people battling with pain. This will be gentle on your body. If therapy isn't helping you at all then maybe don't go.
     
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  11. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    I've never been diagnosed but I've dealt with major depression for many years of my life. You know what you need to change, but breaking each down into small bites to get started feels very overwhelming. Impossible even, but it isn't. Choose one to work on, just one. By making short goals and accomplishing them, you'll see that it is possible and that alone can improve your mood. Write or type it somewhere visible to cross off. Each little check or whatever you choose is one step closer to your goal. Get accountability somewhere, even if it's here on the forums, to make sure you have someone to help motivate and keep you on task until you feel like you've got it on your own. You can do it. Others already believe you can, but you have to believe it yourself.
     
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  12. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    Just why is it ok for others to want a relationship but I have to put it on the back burner? My therapist told me I need to do that and turn my focus towards other things. I just don’t know how I can manage it when I keep seeing couples wherever I go.
     
  13. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    My therapist told me earlier this week I need to tell myself that getting a girlfriend just isn’t happening right now and that I need to turn my focus towards other things that could potentially make me more attractive to a potential girlfriend. But what if doing so still doesn’t lead to a relationship?
     
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  14. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Well, it sounds like you have missed the spirit of your therapist's instructions.
     
  15. Markness

    Markness Well-Known Member

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    She did say doing different things could make me more interesting rather than will. Apparently my constant thinking about wanting a girlfriend hasn’t helped me but I still fear things like my time has run out or is running out, I will have to wait until I am 60, or I will just simply have to live a life being alone.
     
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  16. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, I think doing different things WILL make you more interesting. You could hardly be less interesting than you are now. It is getting exceedingly tiresome listening to you obsess over the elusive girl-getting thing. I'm not saying that to be mean, but just to get you to look at how you are presenting.
     
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  17. sybok

    sybok Steve

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    It is one thing to know, even in detail, all the areas we "fail" in due autism. But a lot the comments seem to miss a couple of major ones.

    Executive function Autism Speaks offers this simple explanation:
    Many people with autism have difficulty with executive functioning. They may have trouble with certain skills like planning, staying organized, sequencing information, and self-regulating emotions. Some people pay attention to minor details, but have trouble seeing how these details fit into a bigger picture.

    I identify with this very strongly. It's like the rock band scenario. Each musician on their own is great. But together, they are just noise. Even just stepping out to plan some change can quickly overwhelm many of us. But yes, creating a plan on paper, carefully and even with support, to ensure it is viable, is probably the only way forward.

    But also, reading people. Is there many situations more rife with potential misunderstandings and with the possibility of experiencing more shame than putting yourself out their in a romantic way. Everything about this kind of intimate relationship is confronting and threatening. I for one find the whole idea so daunting and threatening that I will probably die alone.

    I guess I am saying, I get where you are coming from because I am there with you. I think.
     
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  18. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    It's hard but if you meet someone who gets you then it's worth it. There will be screwups, misunderstandings, but there is also laughter, sharing, and fun so u forget about the other stuff. The more you concentrate on girlfriend then you aren't developing yourself. And the need to develop yourself has to come from within not to just snag a female. But volunteering is a great way to meet other people who may have sisters or daughters. You never know.
     
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  19. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Because for most people wanting a relationship isn't something which causes them a lot of angst, it's just something they want and are willing to work for without it being an obsession or object of misery.

    ...You've missed the point. The point is to do things without constantly worrying over whether it will lead to a relationship, but instead to find value and enjoyment in your life without a relationship.

    That said, it certainly will increase your chances of finding a girlfriend in the long term, there is nothing more boring and off putting than someone who constantly angst's over not having a relationship, or puts all their hopes for fulfillment and happiness on a theoretical other person and the opportunity to put their dick in them. As you are now what do you actually have to offer to a woman?
     
  20. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Just FYI, exercise really isn't all that effective in losing weight, though it is very important for health. If you want to lose weight then you need to diet.