Telling My Friend My Pronouns

[fern_77]

I use they/them and it/its pronouns. I've told my friend that I use they/them pronouns, and she is respectful about it. I want to tell her that I use it/its pronouns as well, but I am worried she will say something like "I don't want to use it/its pronouns for you because it sounds rude" even though I want to be referred to that way and I do not find it rude.

 

[tree]

I am worried she will say something like
"I don't want to use it/its pronouns for you because it sounds rude"

That's a story you made up and told yourself about something
that hasn't happened.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

You can ask her what does she thinks of the it pronoum used on people and check.

Suppositions are the mothers of errors.

 

[fern_77]

I am worried she will say something like
"I don't want to use it/its pronouns for you because it sounds rude"

That's a story you made up and told yourself about something
that hasn't happened.

Yeah, that's true. But just because it is something I have only imagined does not mean that it cannot happen for real, so I am still unsure about whether or not to tell her.

 

[fern_77]

You can ask her what does she thinks of the it pronoum used on people and check.

Suppositions are the mothers of errors.

That's a good idea, thanks.

 

[Magna]

You won't know until you ask her.

Personally I don't understand how you'd use four different pronouns. I get the they/them and it/its (it's?). But using both they/it or them/its (it's)? I don't get that at all.

I'm a person that finds it very difficult to remember dates, birthdays, etc for people. I have to pause for a few seconds to even remember when my own birthday is. If I had numerous friends that asked to be addressed with different pronouns I'd literally have to keep a handwritten list to refer to and keep track of each person's preference and that list would be something that I'd continually have to refer to. I could not commit more than one friend's pronouns to memory. If a friend expected me to commit their pronouns to memory without referring to my list then they'd be continually disappointed or we wouldn't be friends any longer. Saying that is no intended slight on anyone who wants to use divergent pronouns, it's a statement about cognitive challenges that I can't change, period.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

You won't know until you ask her.

Personally I don't understand how you'd use four different pronouns. I get the they/them and it/its (it's?). But using both they/it or them/its (it's)? I don't get that at all.

I'm a person that finds it very difficult to remember dates, birthdays, etc for people. I have to pause for a few seconds to even remember when my own birthday is. If I had numerous friends that asked to be addressed with different pronouns I'd literally have to keep a handwritten list to refer to and keep track of each person's preference and that list would be something that I'd continually have to refer to. I could not commit more than one friend's pronouns to memory. If a friend expected me to commit their pronouns to memory without referring to my list then they'd be continually disappointed or we wouldn't be friends any longer. Saying that is no intended slight on anyone who wants to use divergent pronouns, it's a statement about cognitive challenges that I can't change, period.

I have the same problem and use generic substitudes to names or evade names complitely. That is a problem at work but, as you said, I even have problems with my birthday.

 

[tree]

Yeah, that's true. But just because it is something I have only imagined does not mean that it cannot happen for real, so I am still unsure about whether or not to tell her.

Yes, and if you can imagine her saying that,
you can probably imagine telling her that
you don't think it's rude.

How likely is it that your friend will object?
What has given you the idea that it's possible she would?

 

[Judge]

Yeah, that's true. But just because it is something I have only imagined does not mean that it cannot happen for real, so I am still unsure about whether or not to tell her.

I think you're old enough to deal with some of life's realities. In the "big picture" quite frankly you have much more to be concerned about than what your friends or loved ones think. After all, there are reactionaries out there who militantly refuse to acknowledge any personal reference outside the realm of heterosexuality.

In essence, if they truly are your friends, accept them regardless of how you or they navigate pronouns. Much ado about nothing? Let's hope so.

The bottom line being aware of those outside your social orbit who could be truly problematic in comparison. Reminds me of that old idiom: "You have bigger fish to fry".

 

[Tom]

Some of us are visual thinkers and can have problems with some non-specific words like 'It'. It would therefore be helpful if you want to be called an 'It' to look like an 'It'.

 

[fern_77]

You won't know until you ask her.

Personally I don't understand how you'd use four different pronouns. I get the they/them and it/its (it's?). But using both they/it or them/its (it's)? I don't get that at all.

I'm a person that finds it very difficult to remember dates, birthdays, etc for people. I have to pause for a few seconds to even remember when my own birthday is. If I had numerous friends that asked to be addressed with different pronouns I'd literally have to keep a handwritten list to refer to and keep track of each person's preference and that list would be something that I'd continually have to refer to. I could not commit more than one friend's pronouns to memory. If a friend expected me to commit their pronouns to memory without referring to my list then they'd be continually disappointed or we wouldn't be friends any longer. Saying that is no intended slight on anyone who wants to use divergent pronouns, it's a statement about cognitive challenges that I can't change, period.

It is okay to not understand how to use multiple pronouns. I will try my best to explain:

Someone who uses multiple pronouns will typically (though not always) want you to alternate between those different pronouns when referring to them. For example, as I use both they/them and it/its pronouns, if you were talking about me you could say something like: "Fern told me they had thai food for dinner last night. I hope it enjoyed its meal."

Also, I would not say that I use "four pronouns" as you put it; I would say that I use two sets of pronouns.

None of the things I have said here are meant to be at all critical towards you. I am trying to explain and help you learn, I am not trying to disrespect you ^w^

 

[Bolletje]

Yeah, that's true. But just because it is something I have only imagined does not mean that it cannot happen for real, so I am still unsure about whether or not to tell her.

That’s true, but it would be a shame to ruminate on possible negative scenarios when the outcome isn’t set in stone. People can surprise you

 

[fern_77]

Yes, and if you can imagine her saying that,
you can probably imagine telling her that
you don't think it's rude.

How likely is it that your friend will object?
What has given you the idea that it's possible she would?

Well, as she is a polite person, I don't think it's incredibly likely that she would object, as I know she would want to respect me. However, I've heard that some people refuse to use it/its pronouns for others because they feel that that would disrespect said others, and I am worried that that is what will take place if I tell my friend.

 

[tree]

And what if she did?

You are having anxiety due to not knowing what will happen.
It looks like you're telling yourself it would be terrible, possibly
ruin your friendship.

 

[Judge]

That’s true, but it would be a shame to ruminate on possible negative scenarios when the outcome isn’t set in stone.

A trait so many of us on the spectrum are guilty of doing to ourselves...

 

[fern_77]

Some of us are visual thinkers and can have problems with some non-specific words like 'It'. It would therefore be helpful if you want to be called an 'It' to look like an 'It'.

View attachment 77767

So, by that logic, do you think people who go by she/her should wear pink dresses so they look like a "she" and people who go by he/him should wear blue suits so they look like a "he"?

 

[Tom]

So, by that logic, do you think people who go by she/her should wear pink dresses so they look like a "she" and people who go by he/him should wear blue suits so they look like a "he"?

Of course not, that would be silly. But 'Them' also needs clarification.

 

[Tom]

Ok this is unrelated but always gives me a giggle.

 

[Judge]

However, I've heard that some people refuse to use it/its pronouns for others because they feel that that would disrespect said others, and I am worried that that is what will take place if I tell my friend.

I don't see such a thing as being especially disrespectful. - Just not particularly personal or informal. And English doesn't really have informality quite like other languages do either. A concept I found a bit confusing taking languages like German and Spanish. "Du bist"....."Tu estas"....and so on.

You can always refer to English grammar and let "it" do the talking. To simply point out the option of specifying a neuter gender pronoun. Something most people don't even do, but hey...it's there. Though it's also arguable that this is only an option we use for animals- not people.

Yet in English you can't get away from three absolute pronouns: masculine, feminine and neuter. While what you are suggesting is quite technically correct in this regard, I just don't see many people in or outside your social orbit buying into it.

The irony being that colloquial (informal) speech ultimately wins out. Not based on the rules of grammar, but simply popular speech patterns. That a majority of people will simply reject the usage of a neuter gender pronoun for human beings out of a force of habit more than anything else. All compounded at a time when certain people are roiled by any request to alter their use of language for any reason that seems alien to them.

Neuter Gender | What Is Neuter Gender in Grammar?

 

[Magna]

I just want to give you some feedback, what you said there is very, very confusing. Many people will not understand it, I don't understand it. So you should probably be prepared for some confusion.

Another issue is a similarity to language and the age of a person. It's a scientific fact that younger people are able to learn new languages much easier than older people due to a difference in brain development and "plasticity". After a certain age, learning a new language can be so difficult for a person that it can be in the realm of being like a learning disability. It would be ageist for a young person who learns language easily to expect that a person in their sixties for example should learn as easily or even at all depending on the person's difficulty.

While learning new and multiple pronouns for each individual which can differ from person to person isn't the same as learning an entire language, there are similarities in the fact that the older a person is, the more difficult it can become to modify and alter their learned communication.

"Fern told me they had thai food for dinner last night. I hope it enjoyed its meal."

I can remember the names of my friends. I would be able to do the following without having to literally refer to a written list of pronouns for each friend which is what I'd have to do as a guide in normal conversation otherwise: "Fern told me that Fern had Thai food for dinner last night. I hope Fern enjoyed the meal."

If I was your friend and you asked me to use the four different pronouns I would tell you, "Fern, I can't do that. I'm not saying I won't do that because I don't want to, I'm saying that I actually wouldn't be able to do that if I tried." Communication in general is difficult for me for a host of reasons. It would not work for me to add an additional layer of "in the moment" computation to determine when and how to use the four different pronouns in addition to my general communication difficulties.