I self-diagnosed in 2019 after watching a video of Greta Thunberg and then learning she was autistic. I was astonished and could not believe it. I thought autism was "Rainman". She was nothing like Rainman. That puzzlement prompted me to research autism. The more I learned, the more I started realizing I was autistic. With that, I started a symptom list. I have been adding to it since then, and I do not consider it complete, by any means, but I thought I would share what I have so far. Most of my symptoms are discovered to be symptoms upon discovering that other people are not like that.
So, here is my list:
1. Unable to hear music and comprehend lyrics at the same time.
2. Unable to read ahead while reading aloud. Can read aloud but only real-time word for word.
3. Unable to read faster than speaking even if reading to myself.
4. Unable to understand two or more people talking at once. Sounds like a foreign language.
5. Unable to follow or understand someone speaking fast. Sounds like a foreign language.
6. Unable to listen and take notes at the same time – unable to write and listen at the same time.
7. Unable to converse with someone and work at the same time.
8. Unable to multitask.
9. Unable to compete. Extremely noncompetitive. Strongly avoids competitive games, sports, etc. Any feeling of “competition” is stifling.
10. Unable to be in charge of another person or persons.
11. Was slow learning to talk.
12. In school band class: Unable to learn music note letter names but learned note symbols to physical instrument just fine. Was first chair clarinet in school band class. Had to drop out when band director was changed and required that I know the note letters.
13. Very slow to learn physical coordination to where it is automatic, such as walking. Too slow to learn team sports for same reason.
14. Interest in things are obsessive. interest list: electronic circuit design, steam engines, T1D control, health/nutrition, Astronomy/physics
15. Seeing myself in a recorded video; my mannerisms appear confused, clunky and “dorky” - Mr. Bean like but without the happy element, but that is not my internal perception. Seeing myself walking by a store mirror has the same perception difference. It is always a disappointing surprise.
16. Fear of being left alone with a guest or host. Very awkward, scary and unsettling.
17. My facial expressions, body language and mannerisms do not inherently portray my actual feelings. It’s not automatic. I can manually make faces, but it seems I rarely get it right.
18. At work, my boss would often come into my room then ask me what is wrong. I never knew what he was talking about or why he asked me that. Now I realize it is because the expression on my face was incorrect, which I was oblivious to.
19. I often inflict anger in others when conversing, but the anger is always a profound mystery to me. Have found that my tone of voice is not automatic, requiring a separate conscious effort.
20. I am often accused of being negative while I think and feel like I’m being positive. Very confusing.
21. Often inflicts anger in others with my tendency to analyze everything. They assume the “analyzing” is derogatory.
22. Difficulty understanding “social logic”.
23. Unable to be in charge of or to be a leader of other people.
24. I never jump for joy. When a sudden happy event occurs instilling great happiness, I am most often physically expressionless.
25. I never scream from fear or being startled. I usually “lock-up” unable to make a sound or make a move.
26. Unable to look at a car, truck or vehicle without counting the lug nuts on its wheels. But I never count stair steps, etc.
27. Easy to visualize the playout from a set of circumstances.
28. Strong spatial imagination.
29. Find illogical presentations to be very upsetting.
30. Scared of children – even when I was a child.
31. Unable to handle non-linear, disruptive or chaotic activities. My mind works serially processing everything like train cars moving on a track. Disruption “derails” my mind and I have to mentally restart from the beginning in order to proceed.
32. I find “small talk”; conversation with fragmented or incomplete sentences and/or abrupt subject changes to be jarring, like tripping on a rock or pothole. I consider “small talk” to be spastic conversation.
33. Fear of direct eye contact. When speaking to someone up close, I focus on their mouth, never eyes.
34. Being watched while working is extremely unnerving and inhibiting; sometimes overwhelming. The feeling of eyes on me are like being smothered by a lead blanket. Extremely stifling.
35. Fear of being noticed. Fear / inability to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Fear of having to respond.
36. Excess or too fast input makes me “lock-up” (my term) - “meltdown”, I suppose, is standard autism term. On the edge of a lock-up my speech is severely inhibited. The best I can do is slow single-word-at-a-time broken English.
37. Profound country music phobia / PTSD – anything to do with cowboys or that way of life. As a child, all of my best friends were farm animals (plus many wild animals). They accepted and understood me and sought my company. Severely traumatized by their slaughter. The trauma/PTSD has never subsided.
38. Mouth noises such as eating with mouth open, lip smacking including kissing are very disturbing to me. Overwhelmingly gross.
39. I traumatize emotionally easily.
40. Very deep feelings. Easy to cry.
41. Things that most people find disturbing traumatizes me. Disturbing things that most people take days to get over, I never get over.
42. Am sometimes traumatized by disturbing things on TV, movies, media, etc.
43. Am irritated by illogical or inconsistent/disconnected logic content, in movies, etc. – even in comedies.
44. I long for reliable alone time.
45. Unable to accept or comprehend “grey area.” I see everything as absolute as mathematics & physics. I see “Grey area” as a condition of reduced mental / observational resolution. Assuming gambling to be an exercise in grey area. In reality, gambling is an exercise in ignorance – hoping for a positive outcome from an unknown. However, the outcome is absolutely calculatable. In my view, there is no such thing as “grey area.” Everything is an absolute.
46. Great difficulty in school. Difficult to comprehend teacher presentations and teaching methods.
47. School “diagnosed” me as retarded.
48. Most of my education was self-taught after school.
49. My most successful subject in school was physics, which required extensive pleading with the counselor to allow me to take the class. He said I had no chance of passing physics (due to my “retarded” diagnosis). It turned out to be my highest grade of all high school subjects.
50. I was the most unpopular kid in school. I thought it was my looks. Now I realize it was my mannerisms.
51. Was voted the dumbest kid in school. The vote was conducted by Mr. Dick’s, history class.
52. Bullying in school was almost exclusively by teachers.
53. May or may not be related, but I have a hearing defect that is neurological. No physical defects in my inner ear; the issue is in the brain. (Except for damage subsequently inflicted by inappropriate hearing aids.)
54. TV news with constantly moving background graphics are extremely distracting and disturbing to me. I can’t stand it. Can’t handle Facebook for the same reason.
55. I have periods of feeling deep tragedy without a source or subject. The onset is abrupt, like a startle and lasts for days or months.
56. Meeting new people, or any situation where I feel that I’m being scrutinized or looked at inflicts very high anxiety. Situations include medical tests, speaking to a group of people, even if just a few words.
57. Accused of taking things too literal.
58. Unable to specifically define anxiety.
59. Very low self-esteem, very low feeling of self-worth.
60. Frequent depression – suicidality.
61. Unable to “tune-out” disturbing or annoying visuals, sounds, thoughts, etc. Typically, such disturbances build instead of subsiding with continued experience.
62. Simultaneous sensory inputs are not processed independently. Two people talking at the same time are intermingled instead of perceiving two independent people talking. Example: one person says, “Mary had a little lamb.” Another other person says, “Jack and Jill went up the hill.” I hear, “Mary Jack and had Jill a went little up lamb the hill.” This is even if the two people are a good distance apart. Same issue with other simultaneous sounds or distractions.
63. When spoken words overlap, the letters of the words intermingle resulting in gibberish sounding like a foreign language.
64. Unable to perform tasks out of sequence. Have to mentally sequence any task before beginning the task. Interruptions during a task “derails me” making me have to pause and replay the sequence in my mind to get back to the interrupted step before I can continue. Makes me look retarded or lazy to others.
65. Seeing things out of order distresses me.
66. I have Visual Snow Syndrome which is linked to autism: Visual Snow Syndrome - NORD (National Organization for Rare Disorders)
67. High anxiety in waiting rooms due to other people being in there or the likelihood of people coming in there makes me more comfortable standing instead of sitting. That’s even with the anxiety of being more noticeable standing.
68. My blood pressure is always very high when taken by another person; doctor, dentist or any such professional. It is usually between 140/60 to 150/60. My normal blood pressure is 108/60. This is due to the anxiety of being scrutinized.
69.
So, here is my list:
1. Unable to hear music and comprehend lyrics at the same time.
2. Unable to read ahead while reading aloud. Can read aloud but only real-time word for word.
3. Unable to read faster than speaking even if reading to myself.
4. Unable to understand two or more people talking at once. Sounds like a foreign language.
5. Unable to follow or understand someone speaking fast. Sounds like a foreign language.
6. Unable to listen and take notes at the same time – unable to write and listen at the same time.
7. Unable to converse with someone and work at the same time.
8. Unable to multitask.
9. Unable to compete. Extremely noncompetitive. Strongly avoids competitive games, sports, etc. Any feeling of “competition” is stifling.
10. Unable to be in charge of another person or persons.
11. Was slow learning to talk.
12. In school band class: Unable to learn music note letter names but learned note symbols to physical instrument just fine. Was first chair clarinet in school band class. Had to drop out when band director was changed and required that I know the note letters.
13. Very slow to learn physical coordination to where it is automatic, such as walking. Too slow to learn team sports for same reason.
14. Interest in things are obsessive. interest list: electronic circuit design, steam engines, T1D control, health/nutrition, Astronomy/physics
15. Seeing myself in a recorded video; my mannerisms appear confused, clunky and “dorky” - Mr. Bean like but without the happy element, but that is not my internal perception. Seeing myself walking by a store mirror has the same perception difference. It is always a disappointing surprise.
16. Fear of being left alone with a guest or host. Very awkward, scary and unsettling.
17. My facial expressions, body language and mannerisms do not inherently portray my actual feelings. It’s not automatic. I can manually make faces, but it seems I rarely get it right.
18. At work, my boss would often come into my room then ask me what is wrong. I never knew what he was talking about or why he asked me that. Now I realize it is because the expression on my face was incorrect, which I was oblivious to.
19. I often inflict anger in others when conversing, but the anger is always a profound mystery to me. Have found that my tone of voice is not automatic, requiring a separate conscious effort.
20. I am often accused of being negative while I think and feel like I’m being positive. Very confusing.
21. Often inflicts anger in others with my tendency to analyze everything. They assume the “analyzing” is derogatory.
22. Difficulty understanding “social logic”.
23. Unable to be in charge of or to be a leader of other people.
24. I never jump for joy. When a sudden happy event occurs instilling great happiness, I am most often physically expressionless.
25. I never scream from fear or being startled. I usually “lock-up” unable to make a sound or make a move.
26. Unable to look at a car, truck or vehicle without counting the lug nuts on its wheels. But I never count stair steps, etc.
27. Easy to visualize the playout from a set of circumstances.
28. Strong spatial imagination.
29. Find illogical presentations to be very upsetting.
30. Scared of children – even when I was a child.
31. Unable to handle non-linear, disruptive or chaotic activities. My mind works serially processing everything like train cars moving on a track. Disruption “derails” my mind and I have to mentally restart from the beginning in order to proceed.
32. I find “small talk”; conversation with fragmented or incomplete sentences and/or abrupt subject changes to be jarring, like tripping on a rock or pothole. I consider “small talk” to be spastic conversation.
33. Fear of direct eye contact. When speaking to someone up close, I focus on their mouth, never eyes.
34. Being watched while working is extremely unnerving and inhibiting; sometimes overwhelming. The feeling of eyes on me are like being smothered by a lead blanket. Extremely stifling.
35. Fear of being noticed. Fear / inability to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Fear of having to respond.
36. Excess or too fast input makes me “lock-up” (my term) - “meltdown”, I suppose, is standard autism term. On the edge of a lock-up my speech is severely inhibited. The best I can do is slow single-word-at-a-time broken English.
37. Profound country music phobia / PTSD – anything to do with cowboys or that way of life. As a child, all of my best friends were farm animals (plus many wild animals). They accepted and understood me and sought my company. Severely traumatized by their slaughter. The trauma/PTSD has never subsided.
38. Mouth noises such as eating with mouth open, lip smacking including kissing are very disturbing to me. Overwhelmingly gross.
39. I traumatize emotionally easily.
40. Very deep feelings. Easy to cry.
41. Things that most people find disturbing traumatizes me. Disturbing things that most people take days to get over, I never get over.
42. Am sometimes traumatized by disturbing things on TV, movies, media, etc.
43. Am irritated by illogical or inconsistent/disconnected logic content, in movies, etc. – even in comedies.
44. I long for reliable alone time.
45. Unable to accept or comprehend “grey area.” I see everything as absolute as mathematics & physics. I see “Grey area” as a condition of reduced mental / observational resolution. Assuming gambling to be an exercise in grey area. In reality, gambling is an exercise in ignorance – hoping for a positive outcome from an unknown. However, the outcome is absolutely calculatable. In my view, there is no such thing as “grey area.” Everything is an absolute.
46. Great difficulty in school. Difficult to comprehend teacher presentations and teaching methods.
47. School “diagnosed” me as retarded.
48. Most of my education was self-taught after school.
49. My most successful subject in school was physics, which required extensive pleading with the counselor to allow me to take the class. He said I had no chance of passing physics (due to my “retarded” diagnosis). It turned out to be my highest grade of all high school subjects.
50. I was the most unpopular kid in school. I thought it was my looks. Now I realize it was my mannerisms.
51. Was voted the dumbest kid in school. The vote was conducted by Mr. Dick’s, history class.
52. Bullying in school was almost exclusively by teachers.
53. May or may not be related, but I have a hearing defect that is neurological. No physical defects in my inner ear; the issue is in the brain. (Except for damage subsequently inflicted by inappropriate hearing aids.)
54. TV news with constantly moving background graphics are extremely distracting and disturbing to me. I can’t stand it. Can’t handle Facebook for the same reason.
55. I have periods of feeling deep tragedy without a source or subject. The onset is abrupt, like a startle and lasts for days or months.
56. Meeting new people, or any situation where I feel that I’m being scrutinized or looked at inflicts very high anxiety. Situations include medical tests, speaking to a group of people, even if just a few words.
57. Accused of taking things too literal.
58. Unable to specifically define anxiety.
59. Very low self-esteem, very low feeling of self-worth.
60. Frequent depression – suicidality.
61. Unable to “tune-out” disturbing or annoying visuals, sounds, thoughts, etc. Typically, such disturbances build instead of subsiding with continued experience.
62. Simultaneous sensory inputs are not processed independently. Two people talking at the same time are intermingled instead of perceiving two independent people talking. Example: one person says, “Mary had a little lamb.” Another other person says, “Jack and Jill went up the hill.” I hear, “Mary Jack and had Jill a went little up lamb the hill.” This is even if the two people are a good distance apart. Same issue with other simultaneous sounds or distractions.
63. When spoken words overlap, the letters of the words intermingle resulting in gibberish sounding like a foreign language.
64. Unable to perform tasks out of sequence. Have to mentally sequence any task before beginning the task. Interruptions during a task “derails me” making me have to pause and replay the sequence in my mind to get back to the interrupted step before I can continue. Makes me look retarded or lazy to others.
65. Seeing things out of order distresses me.
66. I have Visual Snow Syndrome which is linked to autism: Visual Snow Syndrome - NORD (National Organization for Rare Disorders)
67. High anxiety in waiting rooms due to other people being in there or the likelihood of people coming in there makes me more comfortable standing instead of sitting. That’s even with the anxiety of being more noticeable standing.
68. My blood pressure is always very high when taken by another person; doctor, dentist or any such professional. It is usually between 140/60 to 150/60. My normal blood pressure is 108/60. This is due to the anxiety of being scrutinized.
69.
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