Stuck...

[mylife2023]

Okay, I need your thoughts and opinions on what I need to do at this point. My Aspie guy and I have had three dates. All have involved eating at a restaruant and then spending 3 hours standing in the parking lot at my car, talking and well, making out. We live 4 hours apart and I see him when I'm working in his area, roughly 4 times a month.

Through this forum I have learned so much about dating an Aspie that has helped me navigate the differences in our thought processes. I have even discovered that I, too am most likely on the spectrum, as well as my children and grandchildren, all in varying degrees. I am an extremely patient person and have noticed particular patterns in his behavior that I am having to adapt to. Its actually very refreshing, as dating NT guys and having adapted to NT ways of dating since I was a teenager, was exhausting.

However, having to initiate every date, every conversation, every text.... is also becoming a little exhausting. I've read yet another book on relationships between NTs and Aspies ,which I highly recommend (" Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want " by Sara Hendrikx) But, we are stuck. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen him. We may possibly meet up this weekend, but I have no idea what to do. He responds well to questions and I have several I'd like to ask him in person.

He has a house, but hasn't asked me over and that's fine, but I don't know where else to go, where we can talk more privately. He never offers anywhere. We've just stuck to parking lot dates and I don't want to invite myself to his place. He's very open to making out and after our first kiss, the night was way more relaxed and we held hands and talked for the next couple of hours.... by the car.

Can anyone offer any insight as to how I should proceed before meeting up with him again? Do any of you struggle with moving past the kissing at the car stage? I thought about suggesting a movie, but there's no talking involved in that and dinner conversation is strained at best, but he tries. He doesn't mind answering the questions that I have, but they're questions that need to be asked in a. quieter, more intimate setting. I want to just relax and chill with him. I've even thought about renting an airbnb and inviting him over?

Thanks,

 

[Forest Cat]

I think you should say "I would like to visit your place, would you like that?" and see what he does/says.

 

[Rodafina]

I think it’s pretty obvious by now that you will have to take the initiative for most things that you want, and he understandably cannot guess what your wants and feelings are. If you don’t like being the initiative taker, I think this is going to get frustrating for you.

 

[Tom]

I do respect your patience, but if it was me I would have given up on that one already. If he really is that immature as far as relationships go, while I wouldn't mind helping another adult grow I would not want to have to reach back as far as pre-school emotionally speaking. And if he is more savvy, then he is treating you as very unimportant.

 

[AO1501]

The lack of initiating or offering ideas is very likely not a choice he's making but a reality he is stuck in as much as you are.

He obviously likes you, and from the sound of it, you both enjoy time you spend together, but it's evident he has no idea how dating works - a lot of us don't. It's a social construct which has real no equivalent in aspie-land, so while you don't necessarily have to make all the choices, you have to lead him to the point where he understands the rules and the choices that he can make.

You can, for example, explain that you like spending time with him, and you look forward to it, but it would be nice to do something other than hang out in a parking lot - not least because they're not always comfortable places to talk. Bad weather, a busy night, noisy crowds, could have a negative impact on your time together.

There's nothing wrong with saying that you would be happy to see his place - and when he's in your town, for him to see yours - because that'll help getting to know him better. Depending on how you feel about him, you could also tell him that you'd like some time with him in a setting a bit more private than a parking lot - though be aware that he may take that to mean you're initiating sex, since that's a pretty universal indicator of it.

Which also means that if that is what you want, there is probably nothing wrong with telling him that after three dates, you're ready for a greater degree of intimacy, if that's what he wants, but the parking lot isn't really suitable.

As to what to do on the next date, the question to ask first is what is it you want to do? Answer that, and base your next conversation with him on that.

 

[mylife2023]

He says he is a

The lack of initiating or offering ideas is very likely not a choice he's making but a reality he is stuck in as much as you are.

He obviously likes you, and from the sound of it, you both enjoy time you spend together, but it's evident he has no idea how dating works - a lot of us don't. It's a social construct which has real no equivalent in aspie-land, so while you don't necessarily have to make all the choices, you have to lead him to the point where he understands the rules and the choices that he can make.

You can, for example, explain that you like spending time with him, and you look forward to it, but it would be nice to do something other than hang out in a parking lot - not least because they're not always comfortable places to talk. Bad weather, a busy night, noisy crowds, could have a negative impact on your time together.

There's nothing wrong with saying that you would be happy to see his place - and when he's in your town, for him to see yours - because that'll help getting to know him better. Depending on how you feel about him, you could also tell him that you'd like some time with him in a setting a bit more private than a parking lot - though be aware that he may take that to mean you're initiating sex, since that's a pretty universal indicator of it.

Which also means that if that is what you want, there is probably nothing wrong with telling him that after three dates, you're ready for a greater degree of intimacy, if that's what he wants, but the parking lot isn't really suitable.

As to what to do on the next date, the question to ask first is what is it you want to do? Answer that, and base your next conversation with him on that.

thank you for this…. Very time I’m about to just give up on this a voice(s) of sanity keep me from doing it. I do truly want this relationship. I am just going to rent an Airbnb near there and ask if he wants to come over and I’d like to cook him dinner and talk. If it progresses past that then I’ll deal with things as they come. . Thank you

 

[mylife2023]

And he’s been married before and in one other relationship since then. That’s kind of what I want to talk with him about.

 

[AO1501]

And he’s been married before and in one other relationship since then. That’s kind of what I want to talk with him about.

I wouldn't be too focused on that just yet - if things are working out then there will be time later. He may have really difficult memories and experiences of these relationships, or very bad feelings in how they ended, and it isn't likely to help you move forwards just yet, when that moves him backwards instead.

Cooking him dinner and talking is good though - you obviously both have liked these experiences together in your dates so far, so it makes a lot of sense to build on them.

With some privacy and a better chance to relax, you should also have a better chance to see where you want things to go, and even where he does.

Good luck!!