Struggles with emotional people

[TouhouFan28]

I've always noticed that I have this weird disconnect of empathy. When someone is distressed I feel obligation. I pride myself on how effective I am at comforting yet I don't necessarily care. I remember telling my friend (who's in an emotional state) "It pains me to see you so emotional when who did this to you is unaffected." It didn't pain me, not at all. I said that because I knew she'd value what I said. I've always had this habit of stating my emotion like, "It excites me to see you like this." My face mimics that of an excited person yet it's fake.

I remember getting into a lot of arguments because I would always handle emotional problems with logic and analytics. I'd get upset and frustrated how they couldn't see how fallacious their thinking was and how flawed their common sense was. It just makes things so difficult because I'm not aware. To me, I'm being helpful--to others I'm being pretentious. And it's hard to get out of that perception because to me it all just makes sense.

 

[monkeyclogs]

You sound like my partner except he doesn't pretend to have reactions that he doesn't feel. At times I struggle with over empathy and general emotional dysregulation. most people in my life get swept into whatever spiral i find myself in (up or down). He doesn't and that is immensely helpful and grounding. I can talk to him about things without worrying about the impact it will have on him as he'll separate out the logic from the emotions, work out what's needed and say or do that. It's not that he doesn't understand or care it's just a very useful skill for deescalating things.

basically, I'm saying this isn't a defecit it's just a different way of interacting.

 

[Masked Man]

I've always noticed that I have this weird disconnect of empathy. When someone is distressed I feel obligation. I pride myself on how effective I am at comforting yet I don't necessarily care. I remember telling my friend (who's in an emotional state) "It pains me to see you so emotional when who did this to you is unaffected." It didn't pain me, not at all. I said that because I knew she'd value what I said. I've always had this habit of stating my emotion like, "It excites me to see you like this." My face mimics that of an excited person yet it's fake.

I remember getting into a lot of arguments because I would always handle emotional problems with logic and analytics. I'd get upset and frustrated how they couldn't see how fallacious their thinking was and how flawed their common sense was. It just makes things so difficult because I'm not aware. To me, I'm being helpful--to others I'm being pretentious. And it's hard to get out of that perception because to me it all just makes sense.

When people are upset, unless they specifically ask you for advice, it's a good idea to withhold and stop trying to be "helpful."

People need the space to be able to vent and for the listener to mostly just shut up and sit with them. Your first response (in your first paragraph) is the correct one.

 

[Judge]

I remember getting into a lot of arguments because I would always handle emotional problems with logic and analytics. I'd get upset and frustrated how they couldn't see how fallacious their thinking was and how flawed their common sense was.

Been there, done that, taking lots of flak for it over the years.

 

[Dagan]

Also, though.... some of us are just way too easily overwhelmed by intensely emotional people. It drains us. It has nothing to do with intent or "want to" per any level of relationship with such folks. It is just that some of us have limits we can't go past, especially if it is an every single day kind of thing.

To clarify: it is draining - a drain to be someone's rock for positive thoughts and actions or to get moving at all and take care of their needs day in and day out - a drain to be someone's equal, if they are already high charged to be positive and are knocking out mental and physical tasks day in and day out and expect you to keep up with their energy.

 

[velociraptor]

I remember getting into a lot of arguments because I would always handle emotional problems with logic and analytics. I'd get upset and frustrated how they couldn't see how fallacious their thinking was and how flawed their common sense was. It just makes things so difficult because I'm not aware. To me, I'm being helpful--to others I'm being pretentious. And it's hard to get out of that perception because to me it all just makes sense.

I have the same issue. I just try to look neutral and nod. Then avoid that person in the future if they are prone to histrionics. (Doesn't work if that is what you married.)

 

[Matthias]

I've always noticed that I have this weird disconnect of empathy. When someone is distressed I feel obligation. I pride myself on how effective I am at comforting yet I don't necessarily care. I remember telling my friend (who's in an emotional state) "It pains me to see you so emotional when who did this to you is unaffected." It didn't pain me, not at all. I said that because I knew she'd value what I said. I've always had this habit of stating my emotion like, "It excites me to see you like this." My face mimics that of an excited person yet it's fake.

You can be supportive without being dishonest by focusing on the circumstances and what you believe about the situation instead of the emotions that often result from it. For example:

"It pains me to see you so emotional when who did this to you is unaffected."" -> "That's messed up what happened to you. It's unfortunate you have to suffer while the person who did this to you is unaffected."

"It excites me to see you like this." -> "That's great! Your hard work finally paid off."

This kind of language conveys that you understand without dishonestly claiming you feel a certain way about it. If you practice talking this way, it will become a habit and others will likely perceive you as more authentic.

I remember getting into a lot of arguments because I would always handle emotional problems with logic and analytics. I'd get upset and frustrated how they couldn't see how fallacious their thinking was and how flawed their common sense was. It just makes things so difficult because I'm not aware. To me, I'm being helpful--to others I'm being pretentious. And it's hard to get out of that perception because to me it all just makes sense.

Strong emotions often cause people to temporarily think in ways that are irrational. Once those people calmed down and resolved (were no longer affected by) the situation, they'd likely be able to think much more logically. When people are suffering from significant emotional distress, they often want others to support them, not analyze and correct their thinking. If you've ever been angry, you may have experienced this. Since most people are likely aware that emotions affect their ability to think rationally, it's often not helpful to correct others in this situation and comes across as you thinking you are better than others.

 

[Masked Man]

Strong emotions often cause people to temporarily think in ways that are irrational. Once those people calmed down and resolved (were no longer affected by) the situation, they'd likely be able to think much more logically. When people are suffering from significant emotional distress, they often want others to support them, not analyze and correct their thinking. If you've ever been angry, you may have experienced this. Since most people are likely aware that emotions affect their ability to think rationally, it's often not helpful to correct others in this situation and comes across as you thinking you are better than others.

To add to this: Before you offer advice, consider that the other person has already thought of everything you are going to say. It's a bit insulting to be treated like a child who hasn't thought of "just do it this way!" Oftentimes life is not that easy. It's like someone who is NT saying to someone who is ND - "just stop being weird!" Yes, I thank you, gosh I don't know how I didn't think of that! :/