Struggles Of Trying To Communicate With A Girl I Like.

[princeapalia]

Firstly, a bit of background. I'm 19 and my parents told me a few years ago that I'd been diagnosed with AS when I was younger. I was pretty damn annoyed that they'd kept it from my, but it was probably for the best. I had few problems socially in primary school (up to about age 11) but had few friends and no relationship experiences at all in my teen years.

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So, I'm now at Uni and there's this girl who's a flatmate of one of my friends. I find her really attractive and when I first met her at the bar, she kept telling my how much she loved my accent (I've got quite a well-spoken English accent). Multiple people have told me that this girl likes me, but I'm not 100% sure.

I met again at a party a week later and she kept trying to talk to me, but I ended up getting a bit too drunk to have a decent conversation which p*ssed me off no end afterwards.

I took the initiative and started to chat to her on facebook after the party, but I got no indication that she was being flirty, and after about a week, the small talk kinda just died out.

I met her again by accident at the bar again with some of my mates and chatted for a bit- just about general stuff, like how bad the karaoke was! She didn't give much indication of being flirty again either, which I can't work out if it's because she's shy, or whether it was because we were sitting with other people.

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My main issue now is what next? It doesn't seem right to start up another random facebook conversation after not messaging her for about a week- especially as I barely know her, and I don't get to see her in person that much either.

I don't know if it's because I've got AS, or that I've been a bit down at Uni before I met her, but I'm really feeling depressed about the whole situation now.

Because I've had no experience with flirting with girls prior to this, it feels like I have no idea what to say, and it seems like every waking moment I'm preoccupied thinking about different things to say to her, or different situations and it's adversely affecting my studies as well.

In short, it's driving me crazy that I have pointless knowledge of things that I don't really want to know about (like naming every countries' flag and still being able to almost completely remember the entire content of this dinosaur book I had as a kid), but be completely useless when it comes to noticing relationship cues and being able to know what to say to a girl.

Any help would be much appreciated, thanks

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Since you're Aspie, you may not be picking up on the flirting cues especially if she's not trying to be too obvious. Flirting really can't be picked up over computer (Facebook) unless the other person just comes right out and says stuff. Getting too drunk may have left a bad impression. If you're interested, I'd just ask her out for a coffee date and get away from the bar scene. If she goes, then that means she's interested. If not, then you really don't see her that much anyway for it to matter.

 

[Saskia Priya]

I don't want to give you false hope, because the most frustrating experience I've had in my life was thanks to a guy (NT) I knew in my teens who liked me so much he just would not take no for an answer - I mean, he wouldn't give up. Now, this would be a good thing if I'd been keen on him in the same way, but what happened was that we had a complicated friendship in which we were always spending time with each other, and him being my "almost-boyfriend"... it didn't end well, because he became incredibly possessive and frustrated and emotionally abusive.

That said, within limits you should pursue...maybe take it reasonably slowly. You don't want to break your own heart by caring too much too soon, but girls can sometimes actually be won over.

There's something called "He's Just Not That Into You", and believe me, it's horrible. Please please please do let her know you're interested, and please don't give up. She could be shy; or even if she's not, some girls cannot flirt...and some girls (sometimes the same ones who can't flirt) automatically hide their feelings. So a girl who acts uninterested may be hiding the fact that she likes you.

I'm sorry, this must be a very confusing post. Basically: do gently pursue her - maybe don't FB message her yet, but occasionally like the things she posts, and if she reciprocates, slowly build something up. Try not to let yourself become infatuated (*cough*), just be the nice guy you evidently are. Something might happen; if it doesn't, there'll be another girl out there who's better for you. But believe me, I envy you your manhood...guys tend to run when girls pursue them, but girls do usually actually like being pursued, even if he isn't our type. Providing that he doesn't go too far. And sometimes perceptions can change over time.

Hope this helps in some way.

 

[princeapalia]

Thanks for both your replies.

I have a feeling that I'm just going to bite the bullet and ask her out in a week or so after her Birthday. I'd really don't get to see her enough in person at the moment to get to know her, and I'd much rather talk face to face than across Facebook.

 

[Saskia Priya]

Good for you. The best of luck! And don't take it personally if it doesn't work out this time. There may still be a next time with the same girl (just guard yourself from going overboard in your feelings), and if not there will definitely be a next time with someone else.

That is not in any way to say that it won't work out the first time you try. But patience - and gentleness - are good.