Strange gathering with ex

[Pats]

First - I hate when something randomly falls. Especially during the night and it wakes me up. So here I am.

Yesterday was dinner with 2 of my kids, their families, my ex and his friends. I usually try to join them for dinner when he comes into town, which has become more of a regular thing than it used to be - now it's once or twice a year. He always includes me in his group texts saying he's coming and wants to take us all to dinner. He has this magnetic personality that it's hard to refuse.
Anyway, all day yesterday I was not wanting to go but felt like I SHOULD go and going back and forth, but ended up going.
This time he had 2 friends with him. Jon has been with him for 6 years and now Cheech is with him, too. They are both young (maybe late 20's, early 30's) and I don't ask questions. He's always been considerate enough to just act as friends around me, but this time Cheech was a bit clingy to him, hanging on him and it was kind of uncomfortable. Also I spent more time talking to Jon this time (before now I didn't even remember his name). But that was weird. I forget what he had said that I was saying I liked Grand Funk and how Mark Farner WAS Grand Funk and I refuse to go see them without him. He was following me in conversation right up to the time that I said Mark Farner plays a lot of religious music now with his same sound. Jon gave a quick smirk and turned away and immediately the conversation stopped. What'd I say? So I played with my grandkids and talked to my son in law that I was sitting next to. Eventually Jon started talking to me again. He ends up talking about living with Jim(my ex) and that he has just decided not to let things bother him. I didn't ask specifics - don't want to know.
Any time before I could go, I could think about the relationship we still have and be okay, but this time it was too much. Too obvious perhaps. I don't think I can do it again. Before I could see them as just friends, but not this time.

 

[Pats]

Actually, it's been a double whammy because today is the day that it hits me that I'm no longer needed. My kids - they've got this. I spent my entire adulthood - age 17 to 61 being a mom and being needed. Yes, kids start having babies and they needed my help in the beginning. Maybe little things like letting them know it's time to lower the crib mattress because the baby is going to start pulling themselves up to a standing position - "yep, mom, you were right". Then one day you look around and you look at your kids and you see 'they've got this'. Now what am I? The only thing I know how to be (mom) is not needed any more. That's a hard one to swallow.

 

[Autistamatic]

You were a good Mum when they were little, and they will always need you. You're a Gran now too, which if done right (as you do) can be a really special role in any kids life. You're also a friend to many people on here who value you. Your roles have just evolved through life, but you're still as wanted/needed as you ever were

As to Jimmy, Jon & Cheech - autistic or no, gay or straight, people being overly clingy or sharing smirky private jokes without sharing them, get up everyone's nose. I doubt you were the only one who felt a little put off by it.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Pat.

Although I am not a mother and therefore not a gran ( since my age, sadly does say I could be a gran now lol), I can put myself in someone's shoes and thus, can imagine how it must feel to be needed for so long and only to suddenly realised you are not!

My sister has 4 grown ups now and if it were not for her new relationship, she would suddenly feel as you do. As it is though, her man goes to work and so she is alone a lot due to her adult "children" are all working.

As to the other situation. My deceased brother in law was gay and we said to him, that he is welcome over any time, but we do not want to know what he does and we would always phone him, before going around.

Sadly, he loved taunting us and so would be open about his sexual activity and I had to tell him to stop many times.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I am sad you feel like that. But it is universal. It does not even have to be feeling needed, but also feeling loved. Or having a purpose.

YOU ARE NEEDED as a mom until the DAY YOU DIE. Don't kid yourself!! And oh, you will be needed by your grandkids.....

As to your ex? That is why exs are exs . He's going into a new life and it is your choice as to if you want to see him through all the avenues he is about to explore.

And as to Mark Farner ? Tell on, Friend!!! GFR w/o Farner? No thanks. And yeah, his other music is nice and also uplifting!

PS What is your fav GFR song?

 

[Pats]

I am sad you feel like that. But it is universal. It does not even have to be feeling needed, but also feeling loved. Or having a purpose.

YOU ARE NEEDED as a mom until the DAY YOU DIE. Don't kid yourself!! And oh, you will be needed by your grandkids.....

As to your ex? That is why exs are exs . He's going into a new life and it is your choice as to if you want to see him through all the avenues he is about to explore.

And as to Mark Farner ? Tell on, Friend!!! GFR w/o Farner? No thanks. And yeah, his other music is nice and also uplifting!

PS What is your fav GFR song?

Don't laugh - "Inside Looking Out".

 

[Pats]

Thank you guys for your kind and encouraging words. I believe things happen for reasons, maybe you all were brought into my life for a purpose. I know roles do change throughout life - I'm just going to have to work through this one. I'm glad I've got you to help me through it.

 

[Fino]

I think I misunderstood. Is your ex in a three-way relationship with two other guys?

And is the consideration to act as friends because he's your ex, or is it a homophobia thing, like with Suzanne?

 

[Pats]

I think I misunderstood. Is your ex in a three-way relationship with two other guys?

And is the consideration to act as friends because he's your ex, or is it a homophobia thing, like with Suzanne?

Question 1 - That's why I don't ask questions. But I think I was informed whether I wanted to know or not. Appears to be a 3 way relationship thing. And the other guys are not just other guys. They're kids and he's 59. I could handle it better when I could convince myself they were just helpers on the truck with him.

Question 2 - because he's my ex. My ex has always been respectful of my feelings. When we were married and there'd be some guy ogling women he'd tell them to stop, and things like that. So it's been along those lines - he don't flaunt relationships in front of me. But, no, I don't like the fact that he's gay, either. I was married to him -how's that supposed to make me feel? And he wasn't flaunting anything and I don't know if he realized that his 'friends' were.

 

[Thinx]

Sorry you feel upset but if he's gay he's gay... it can be hard to get that about ourselves early in life given the levels of homophobia. Guess the young men are over 18? I think gay relationships can be seen as too overt simply because heterosexual sexual behaviour is regarded as so Normal... I m sorry you felt uncomfortable and I d say, don't do it if that's how you feel.

 

[Fino]

Question 1 - That's why I don't ask questions. But I think I was informed whether I wanted to know or not. Appears to be a 3 way relationship thing. And the other guys are not just other guys. They're kids and he's 59. I could handle it better when I could convince myself they were just helpers on the truck with him.

Question 2 - because he's my ex. My ex has always been respectful of my feelings. When we were married and there'd be some guy ogling women he'd tell them to stop, and things like that. So it's been along those lines - he don't flaunt relationships in front of me. But, no, I don't like the fact that he's gay, either. I was married to him -how's that supposed to make me feel? And he wasn't flaunting anything and I don't know if he realized that his 'friends' were.

I understand now, thank you!

I'm sorry about that. I completely agree that everything about that is odd and uncomfortable, and I think I would also be unsettled.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Don't laugh - "Inside Looking Out".

Oh my! That is my brother's favourite GRF song of all time. He loves it! I will listen to it now!! Both studio AND live, cuz who does not loving watching Farner sing?

 

[Pats]

Oh my! That is my brother's favourite GRF song of all time. He loves it! I will listen to it now!! Both studio AND live, cuz who does not loving watching Farner sing?

And I don't know what it is, but I think he has the sexiest voice ever. But his music - lead guitar AND harmonica - he's the best!!!!! This is what I think of when I say today's music will never come close and kids don't know what real talent is. Thanks for starting my day off right.

 

[Pats]

Thanks again @TheFreeCat - I know what I'm listening to today while I work on the apartment some more.

My ex doesn't realize it, but when I hugged him and told him bye, it was a final goodbye for me. He'll always have a special place in my heart, but I want to keep him there. He and the kids no longer need me as a buffer like they used to and don't need me to help with the kids for them to visit, so there's no more reason for me to go.
And I feel a little better as far as losing my role. I'm sure that's part of aging, too. Losing your role as a parent (which I was mom AND dad), or a spouse, or sibling. This has been a rough year in that - got a divorce, removed myself from siblings and my kids not needing me. It's okay not having a real role any more, it's been creeping up on me. I've often felt the reversal of roles with my oldest son - he does more taking care of me these days. Even the trip he took me with them - he fulfilled MY dream. When he did my bathroom, it was funny when we went to pick out a door and the door he got was so big. When I questioned why so big he said it's big enough for a wheel chair later. I just said "Oh", I wasn't expecting that. lol
I know I still have them in my life and I still have you guys and you really don't know how much I appreciate you all. Yesterday was just one of those days that it just really hit. Thanks for being there.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Thanks again @TheFreeCat - I know what I'm listening to today while I work on the apartment some more.

My ex doesn't realize it, but when I hugged him and told him bye, it was a final goodbye for me. He'll always have a special place in my heart, but I want to keep him there. He and the kids no longer need me as a buffer like they used to and don't need me to help with the kids for them to visit, so there's no more reason for me to go.
And I feel a little better as far as losing my role. I'm sure that's part of aging, too. Losing your role as a parent (which I was mom AND dad), or a spouse, or sibling. This has been a rough year in that - got a divorce, removed myself from siblings and my kids not needing me. It's okay not having a real role any more, it's been creeping up on me. I've often felt the reversal of roles with my oldest son - he does more taking care of me these days. Even the trip he took me with them - he fulfilled MY dream. When he did my bathroom, it was funny when we went to pick out a door and the door he got was so big. When I questioned why so big he said it's big enough for a wheel chair later. I just said "Oh", I wasn't expecting that. lol
I know I still have them in my life and I still have you guys and you really don't know how much I appreciate you all. Yesterday was just one of those days that it just really hit. Thanks for being there.

That is so sweet about your son! He cares about you. You have so much. All you need You are greatly appreciated here, too. Your posts are so helpful! They are also funny and creative. You add very much to this place and we are so glad you're here, too!!