Still waiting for a first date..

[Ariel]

Hi all,

I'm in my late twenties and still waiting for a first date. I've tried everything from making the first move to waiting for other people to make the first move, to forgetting about it completely in the hope it will happen 'when I'm not expecting it', as a lot of people seem suggest it will. Whilst I don't expect to have necessarily found 'the one' yet, I don't understand why nothing at all is happening - no dates, no romantic or sexual contact whatsoever and yet plenty of looks, good chemistry and pleasant conversations that lead to nothing.
A relationship won't define whether my life is successful, but I feel sad that I'm not getting the chance to experience it, and I'd like to know why not.
Is anyone else going through the same? I feel like the only person.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I feel you. I'm nearly 25 and I've yet to so much as go on a date. I would like to at least experience it, you know? Most people are fine if they hear I'm single but if they get the idea I just plain don't date at this point in my life, then I get looks for it. But at the same time I've enough trouble on my own just getting myself on my feet let alone adding a significant other into the mix.

 

[Lena_C]

No worry, I'm in my mid-twenties and still single, no dating experience.
I think this situation is normal for autistic people, no matter boys or girls.
And we have a dating corner in AC here, maybe it would help.

 

[midlife aspie]

Confidence is also a good quality men look for in women. The brainy, straight face types are a turn off. A positive self image screams "I love being me!" and if you look like you enjoy yourself, men will want to know why, and you may have to start telling them to 'take a number'. This same advice applies to men looking for women (perhaps more so).

 

[eonbus]

Dating sucks In this generation.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

That sucks to be honest, we all deserve at least the opportunity, you and other people on this thread seem to be coping well with it though which is the most important thing, when you say you have made the first move does that mean you've verbally asked for dates? I'm only just turned 20 so I'm still really young, I have had the odd dates but they rarely amount to much, I rarely find people interesting enough which is a shame,and the only time I was legitimatly interested in someone they mistreated me. I guess I should be glad for the opportunities I have had up to this point. Advice would be to constantly try and meet new people (I know this is difficult but it increases the chance of finding someone special) and try and be clear with people that you are single and looking for relationships otherwise they may assume disinterest. I used to think no one was interested in me but now I realise that I just wasn't picking up on it due to not knowing what to look for because of aspergers and this is probably the case with a lot of aspies,this can lead to a lack of confidence and missing opportunities that defiantly existed but are missed.

 

[Flinty]

Question directed at nobody in particular: have you perhaps been on a date without knowing it because no one used the D-word? I've definitely had that experience.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

Question directed at nobody in particular: have you perhaps been on a date without knowing it because no one used the D-word? I've definitely had that experience.

Yeah this defiantly has happened to me as well, kind of happening currently with a girl from my uni course who keeps inviting me to do things with her, pretty sure she's interested in me.

 

[eonbus]

The way the dating world is. It's a shame humans don't understand good moral standards.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

The way the dating world is. It's a shame humans don't understand good moral standards.

Well what are good moral standards? I think it is pretty clear looking at the world that there are no moral absolutes, if people can't agree on what is morally right or wrong universally then why are you critising others for having morals different than your own if neither is wrong or right. The dating world works well for a NT majority, for an aspie minority it is more difficult but it is still very possible to be successful.

 

[Judge]

Question directed at nobody in particular: have you perhaps been on a date without knowing it because no one used the D-word? I've definitely had that experience.

Good point. I've made acquaintances with people who became friends....then lovers. All those times we socialized as friends...I never considered them "dates". But equally, once we had feelings for one another, I never though of our social encounters as "dates"...because the issue of courtship well...became a moot point IMO.

Maybe semantics does have a part in all this. But I prefer to say that I've been on only one formal "date" in my life...a blind date with someone I never met before, set up by a friend at work. It went badly. Too many expectations to live up to in an incredibly short span of time. It was not at all a fun experience. Yet I've managed to dodge dating most of my life....and I survived. I have no one now...but only myself to blame for that.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Question directed at nobody in particular: have you perhaps been on a date without knowing it because no one used the D-word? I've definitely had that experience.

Yup My first year of uni I went to the cinema with a guy I considered a good friend, when he dropped me off back at my place he kissed me and asked to come to my room Turned out he thought we'd been dating and was expecting sex, I just thought we were friends and was absolutely horrified. This clued me in to the fact that I am unable to tell the difference between friendly behaviour and romantic behaviour.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

Yup My first year of uni I went to the cinema with a guy I considered a good friend, when he dropped me off back at my place he kissed me and asked to come to my room Turned out he thought we'd been dating and was expecting sex, I just thought we were friends and was absolutely horrified. This clued me in to the fact that I am unable to tell the difference between friendly behaviour and romantic behaviour.

i also struggle telling the difference between friendly behaviour and suttle romantic behaviour but thankfully can tell the difference when the romantic behaviour is more overt.

 

[Judge]

Yup My first year of uni I went to the cinema with a guy I considered a good friend, when he dropped me off back at my place he kissed me and asked to come to my room Turned out he thought we'd been dating and was expecting sex, I just thought we were friends and was absolutely horrified. This clued me in to the fact that I am unable to tell the difference between friendly behaviour and romantic behaviour.

Good point. It's NOT easy to discern one from the other at times. And sometimes it can evoke either a welcome surprise or a very unwelcome one at that.

In my own case I'm inclined not to pick up that someone is overtly hitting on me. Which usually means if they are familiar to me and in my orbit, over time they step things up physically to a point where their intention is not mistakable- even for me. Where I have to make a choice of where this relationship is going. Socialization even when relatively on my own terms is never apt to be easy. A lifelong struggle one way or another.

 

[Tom]

I think what midlife aspie said is very relevant and correct.

Relationships develop varied levels including compatibility, 'being on the same wavelength' mentally/intellectually and mutual emotinal attachment, but.... the early stages are very showy and shallow. They kinda have to be, because you do not know each other much.

So for me it was always appearence and personality that prompted my desire/interest. Then there would be a period of trying to get to know them better, by chatting them up, joking, establishing a preliminary friendship. This might include doing things together in some form or another. If the interest continued and seemed mutual (or at least not completely negative on their part - women disguise their feelings... on purpose! ) then would likely ask them out on a date.

The first actual unofficial 'thing together' I asked my future wife if she wanted to do was go for a coffee break during an exercise. We looked like this. Which leads me to last thought. To be 'found' one must swim in the traffic lanes.

 

[Sylar]

Almost 24 here and never been on a date. It's both comforting and sad to see it's quite a common thing here.

 

[midlife aspie]

I think the best advice is to avoid trying to date if you are depressed. JUST DON'T TRY IT. Get help, find comfort, do something to get to a point to were you can project a warm image. When you get comfortable with the notion that you don't need a SO, it's time to start trying to date. The inevitable trial and error will go over much easier. Think of it like money. Those who have it can easily get more and those who don't can't. I think that the best way for one to feel better about him/herself is to help another to feel good. There is no better 'upper'! Everyone wins.

 

[granolaturtle]

I'm 18, but it seems to me that it'll never happen for me. I just dont have any qualities that would be appealing to people. And I guess it's better that way. I'd be terrible in a relationship anyway.

 

[midlife aspie]

I'm 18, but it seems to me that it'll never happen for me. I just dont have any qualities that would be appealing to people. And I guess it's better that way. I'd be terrible in a relationship anyway.

Why do you feel like this? Are you depressed? I did not go on a date until I was 22, and at the time I felt the same way you do.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I'm 18, but it seems to me that it'll never happen for me. I just dont have any qualities that would be appealing to people. And I guess it's better that way. I'd be terrible in a relationship anyway.

everyone has appealing qualities, be positive, 18 is super young, you will find people be patient.