I have decided to edit the original post because I feel like it didn't really explain things well. This is still imperfect, but I hope it makes more sense.
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Here's something that's been weighing on my mind lately. I wish I had someone to mentor me spiritually when it comes to Christianity.
I consider myself to be “Messianic Jewish”. I have Jewish ancestry, but other than the family culture, and a few Yiddish phrases and jokes, I wasn’t really raised in that either. I have a very close connection to nature as well. That Pagan spiritual and physical connection to the land is what I was mostly brought up with, which shaped me into the person I am today.
I was not raised in a church at all. In fact, going to church was a punishable offense. I came to Christ in my early thirties and my mom rejected me for it. She still holds me at arms length and tries to steer my daughter away from my guidance in most things.
And it's not just my beloved mother- when I came to Christ, I lost nearly every friend or relative. They simply turned their back and I was dead to them. Some even attacked my character, spread slander, or even attacked me personally. That was a very traumatic and painful time in my life. To this day, if people ask me about faith matters, often I hide the fact that I am a Christian for fear of punishment and rejection.
I don't have the same spiritual background as most Christians. I just don't. I don't have that little bank of bible verses locked away in my heart that most Christians do. I had a brain injury a couple years ago, and I've been working on my reading comprehension since then. Although my reading has improved a lot, a big book like The Bible is very difficult for me to read, understand, and even more so, absorb and memorize the words.
What I am trying to understand is what does the bible specifically say about how Christians are to live? What should we cleave to, what should we reject? What did Jesus say, specifically?
What does the bible say about salvation? How do you get to heaven? I know about the sinner’s prayer, but after that, can salvation be taken away, can it be rescinded by the person? What if deep in your heart, you didn’t really repent all the way, like you knew you were just going to do it again, and you didn’t think it was all that bad to do anyway?
What did Jesus say about life? What is the purpose?
I just, feel so, spiritually alone in Christ. And there's no one to help me learn that I can think of. There aren’t really many churches around where I live, and the Messianic Jewish church I attend is sixteen miles away. I don’t own a car, so this journey is over an hour long, often requiring an early morning transfer through downtown, where Antifa often had smashed up the neighborhood only a few hours prior.
Some Christian churches can be uncomfortable places for Jews. Certain little traditional beliefs or phrases (although well meaning) are hurtful to Jewish People. So it’s difficult to sit through a service if for instance, in a teaching about the Pharisees, they mock them, claiming they were all evil or something. Other little things too.
Another big one is inclusivity. I believe everyone should be welcomed at church. How are you going to win anyone for Christ if all you have are the same group of people in church (forgive my French) telling each other how good their farts smell every week? It's good to learn from the pastor and lift each other up, but you need to be kind as well. I may not know much of the Bible, but it is said that Jesus loved everyone and met them where they were, without condemnation.
I know a few Jewish prayers, a couple of bible verses, and a couple of songs. I have a dark past of terrible sins, and even though I'm "saved" I screw up royally every day. I just want to know what Jesus wants from me. And I want to know how he blesses people, and loves them unconditionally. I want to know what conditions there are to getting into Heaven. I'm just so lost and confused. And I don't know where to turn.
So what I really need is specific bible answers. Not the traditions of mankind. I want to know exactly what the Bible says.
All I know is God is everywhere, and that God is Love. That's comforting, but I'm wondering- Is it enough? Am I doing enough? I am a terrible sinner. And I don't really repent all the way. I turn back to my sins like twenty minutes after saying I'm sorry. I just know I love Jesus, and not much else.
********
Here's something that's been weighing on my mind lately. I wish I had someone to mentor me spiritually when it comes to Christianity.
I consider myself to be “Messianic Jewish”. I have Jewish ancestry, but other than the family culture, and a few Yiddish phrases and jokes, I wasn’t really raised in that either. I have a very close connection to nature as well. That Pagan spiritual and physical connection to the land is what I was mostly brought up with, which shaped me into the person I am today.
I was not raised in a church at all. In fact, going to church was a punishable offense. I came to Christ in my early thirties and my mom rejected me for it. She still holds me at arms length and tries to steer my daughter away from my guidance in most things.
And it's not just my beloved mother- when I came to Christ, I lost nearly every friend or relative. They simply turned their back and I was dead to them. Some even attacked my character, spread slander, or even attacked me personally. That was a very traumatic and painful time in my life. To this day, if people ask me about faith matters, often I hide the fact that I am a Christian for fear of punishment and rejection.
I don't have the same spiritual background as most Christians. I just don't. I don't have that little bank of bible verses locked away in my heart that most Christians do. I had a brain injury a couple years ago, and I've been working on my reading comprehension since then. Although my reading has improved a lot, a big book like The Bible is very difficult for me to read, understand, and even more so, absorb and memorize the words.
What I am trying to understand is what does the bible specifically say about how Christians are to live? What should we cleave to, what should we reject? What did Jesus say, specifically?
What does the bible say about salvation? How do you get to heaven? I know about the sinner’s prayer, but after that, can salvation be taken away, can it be rescinded by the person? What if deep in your heart, you didn’t really repent all the way, like you knew you were just going to do it again, and you didn’t think it was all that bad to do anyway?
What did Jesus say about life? What is the purpose?
I just, feel so, spiritually alone in Christ. And there's no one to help me learn that I can think of. There aren’t really many churches around where I live, and the Messianic Jewish church I attend is sixteen miles away. I don’t own a car, so this journey is over an hour long, often requiring an early morning transfer through downtown, where Antifa often had smashed up the neighborhood only a few hours prior.
Some Christian churches can be uncomfortable places for Jews. Certain little traditional beliefs or phrases (although well meaning) are hurtful to Jewish People. So it’s difficult to sit through a service if for instance, in a teaching about the Pharisees, they mock them, claiming they were all evil or something. Other little things too.
Another big one is inclusivity. I believe everyone should be welcomed at church. How are you going to win anyone for Christ if all you have are the same group of people in church (forgive my French) telling each other how good their farts smell every week? It's good to learn from the pastor and lift each other up, but you need to be kind as well. I may not know much of the Bible, but it is said that Jesus loved everyone and met them where they were, without condemnation.
I know a few Jewish prayers, a couple of bible verses, and a couple of songs. I have a dark past of terrible sins, and even though I'm "saved" I screw up royally every day. I just want to know what Jesus wants from me. And I want to know how he blesses people, and loves them unconditionally. I want to know what conditions there are to getting into Heaven. I'm just so lost and confused. And I don't know where to turn.
So what I really need is specific bible answers. Not the traditions of mankind. I want to know exactly what the Bible says.
All I know is God is everywhere, and that God is Love. That's comforting, but I'm wondering- Is it enough? Am I doing enough? I am a terrible sinner. And I don't really repent all the way. I turn back to my sins like twenty minutes after saying I'm sorry. I just know I love Jesus, and not much else.
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