Sometimes I don't feel like I am autistic, but the others are

[IntoTheVoid]

People with autism and aspergers are known to have issues with social skills, emotional intelligence, "theory of mind" thing, an eye contact, reading body language and receiving many subtle signals from other people. Of course, it's true in general, because I really struggle with it and you probably too.

However, sometimes... there are situations when, for some reason, I totally see the social signals crystal clear, while others seem to be strangely blind to it... And then I totally feel like it's not me who is "autistic" here (in sense of lacking social intelligence). Does anybody else here know this as well?

Examples:

Sometimes when I create something, I want to show other people, because I am totally excited about it. And sometimes the conversation goes like this:

"Hey, I've written a short story! Wanna read it!?"

"Depends. What genre it is? I like reading sci-fi and such."

"Well, this is more like Palahniuk style, you know..."

"Well, it's not my genre then. Not interested."

And puf... see what happened here? The NT person totally missed the point. It's not about the short story itself. It's about sharing what I made. The person thinks I actually recommend the short story. But I want to share my excitement. And this happens a lot.

Other example. Couple days ago a friend (A) asked my other friend (B) about his New Year's resolution. What is he planning for 2020? And B started to explain the New Year's resolution is stupid, because "if you want to change something in your life, you can start right away. You don't have to wait for the end of the year."

Geez. B totally missed that A was just trying to be nice. Yes, we all know you can "start whenever you want with changing your life", but it's totally not why A was asking in the first place. And besides, it's understandable that some time periods have some sort of significance for people... like the end of the year.

Last example. People love saying "Hey that's just my opinion" which is annoying. Imagine you're really sensitive about certain topics, like politics, religion and so on. And some opinions can even hurt you. Let's say you're gay and some of your friend has homophobic opinions, or maybe you're vegan and he tells you how he hates "eco-terrorists, grass-eaters" and ... simply put ... he says something that hurts you.
So you get mad and he defends himself with "Hey, that's just my opinion! I have right to have my opinion!", that nice... but it doesn't change that fact that he hurt someone and instead of repeating it's his opinion, he should just apologize and avoid this topic next time. But people mostly do the opposite - they clearly see someone is upset, but they just can't let it be and adds more salt in the wounds.

But guess what, for some people this phrase "it's just my opinion" is some sort of spell that allow them to say whatever they want and being totally non emphatic.

I personally have many strange and weird opinions but I keep them for myself in certain situations.

So that were three examples of things that I kinda understand as a person with autism, but NTs who suppose to have social skills unlike me, don't, and that's weird.

So do you have similar experience?

 

[GadAbout]

I don't want to read someone's crappy story. In my experience, it's terribly written, and then I have to try to think of some kind of compliment to feign.

But hey, that's just my opinion.

 

[Varzar]

All of your examples have some form of empathy requirement.
1) Person excited about a book they wrote, other person isn't being empathetic and/or supportive of that excitement.
2) Person logically explains that making a resolution at New Year's is no different than any other time of year. instead of letting people "have their fun".
3) Friend has opinion that is not supportive of the other person in the relationship.

Lack of empathy is not something that is AS specific. From what I've learned here, a lot of AS people can be even more empathetic than NTs.

Also, empathy goes two ways, and there's two sides to every story.. For your examples:
1) What if the reader asked was very tired from a long week of work, and just cause the writer is super excited about their creation, they haven't empathized that maybe the reader isn't in the mood. Or, maybe they don't want to be put in an uncomfortable position of having to potentially lie about liking it if they figure the writer can't take constructive criticism.
2) If A and B are friends, why didn't A already know that B thought New Year's Resolutions were a waste of time? Why ask? And even if B doesn't like them, why can't A be self-confident enough to share his/hers anyways? Why does it rely on B's approval to have a resolution? If this is really something that bothers A about B, why are they friends at all?
3) Again, why are they friends... Why would a gay person have homophobic friends? If your friends can't be respectful of who you are, they aren't your friends.

 

[Aspychata]

I think you are on the spectrum because this is all typical of NT responses. And you don't see it that way. Most people aren't going to want to be in the delicate spot of critiquing your story- NT or on the spectrum. New Year's resolutions are hit or miss with lots of people. And l am not even going to touch the friend one. Just be you,your friend may want to read your story. I am kinda of confused, are you bemoaning the fact of being on the spectrum? l have great days and sometimes my social skills could get me in serious trouble (but l have learned to keep quiet). I have an acid tongue with a equally caustic delivery but l shut that part of me down and l play nice. So hey , welcome to the club, you belong, we support you.

 

[DavidH]

Here's the NT take. You're excited to share but the standard brain is thinking your presenting it as something I might be interested in. Now, if I'm your good buddy I might read it anyway because that is what friends do, but a more casual acquaintance is going to think "Why would I want to read that?" and decline unless it was in their genre.

Now, here is the other thing. A lot of people miss social cues but will pick them up subconsciously. I work in technology where people think "Everyone in technology is a little autistic." Completely false. A lot of people in tech are socially awkward and often underdeveloped but they can learn and adjust to social cues. I'm speaking from experience here.

Also, the response "Not my genre" is a socially acceptable way of saying no but sparing feelings. The real response could well be like what @GadAbout said. Internally they are thinking "I don't want to read that" but instead find some kind of excuse so they don't have to without telling you no. I personally find this dishonest but most people avoid confrontation and don't want to be perceived as the "bad guy" so they tell little lies instead.

This may seem confusing and it gets worse when you consider social cues are different across cultures. I deal with this all the time. Someone born in America will throw different social cues than someone born in India, China, or Vietnam.

Why do we make this so hard and anything but straightforward? No idea. Just the way it is.

 

[Tom]

People excited about reading, particularly non-professional work are just rare.

 

[Fino]

It seems like those are all matters of kindness, not social skills.

 

[Aspychata]

It seems like those are all matters of kindness, not social skills.

What a ducky response! Kindness with a quack quack. Thumbs up!

 

[WildCat]

Works both ways. You've probably missed the point as well without realizing it. Don't worry about it though, nobody's 100%.

Start engaging with people as people (not "NTs" or "autistic") and stop applying labels to them.

 

[Kalinychta]

I don't think the NT people in the examples you gave missed the point; they just "went rogue" and decided not to respond the way they were "supposed to."

Re: the short story, I can completely understand someone declining to read a Palahniuk-style story. He's most definitely not for everyone. I myself really like him, so I wouldn't have refused to read your story, but if you'd said it was about a psychopathic ax murderer, I would have certainly told you that that wasn't my genre and I didn't want to read it. Palahniuk produces a similar reaction in many people.

Re: Friend B's response to Friend A's question about New Year's resolutions: it's a fair point to make and one I completely agree with. People don't always respond to us the way we expect/predict/want them to. It doesn't mean they're missing social cues or being rude.

When someone says "that's just my opinion," he's really saying that his opinion is indefensible and groundless, but he doesn't want to accept/admit it, so he's trying to basically change the subject. In philosophy, this type of logical fallacy is called a thought-terminating cliche or red herring. Here's a great quote in response:

"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
-Harlan Ellison

 

[Thinx]

I got the impression like @Fino, that what was hard for you here was the unkindness in these responses. I notice that too, although have got used to it, it's so common. But I wouldn't want to spend much time with people who responded in these ways. You sound like you are more straightforward, and are motivated by how the other person may feel, and trying not to hurt their feelings.

Yes I agree that there is a stereotype that we can be oblivious and inadvertently rude or unkind, and a myth that neurotypical people are skilled and appropriate in social communication.