Socialising

[Larry]

I wonder if anyone could share any info or tips about what they do in social situations. My wife wants us to go to dinner parties and to socialise with her friends but she dreads it as I'm so socially awkward in these situations and more often than not come across as being rude. I would usually use alcohol to loosen up in these situations but I don't want to end up drunk when everyone else is not drinking. Any advice would be helpful

 

[I love roses]

I wonder if anyone could share any info or tips about what they do in social situations. My wife wants us to go to dinner parties and to socialise with her friends but she dreads it as I'm so socially awkward in these situations and more often than not come across as being rude. I would usually use alcohol to loosen up in these situations but I don't want to end up drunk when everyone else is not drinking. Any advice would be helpful

Don’t go to dinner parties. There is nothing to talk about. I quit a dinner club because it bled my pocket book at very expensive restaurants with people who only wanted to be seen. It did indeed mess up my health some from foods I don’t eat. It definitely made me drink more often.

I prefer art galleries, book signings, and such where the art or book becomes a ready made subject. Wine is there but these are usually once a month so. I’ve drank a little too much maybe only once but I haven’t been the only one. The free cheese and dessert table keeps you're hands and mouth busy so you talk less. The news paper journalist puts every one in a magazine as if we are all celebrities. Then they remember me again and come up to me on their own. They didn’t bond as best friends, just aquantences.

But it is at least an outlet and I can sit on the bench if I need to opt out. Now, my husband at the dinners didn’t relate so he just said nothing and did not care. He feels accepted regardless if spoken to.The men only discussed football and we hate sports.Im not going to go watch football to make friends. one lady told me it is fun if you understand it. I totally understand it. It has no purpose to me. It makes me feel like other people have no IQ and are superficial and shallow.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Practice. It's a skill. Of course, if you just don't get along with the others then it's more like an exercise in willpower and patience. If you never talk to people you are going to be totally awkward and weird the first time and there's nothing you can do about it.

Find a common interest, or maybe they have some cool interests that you could learn about. Just remember to stick to topics that are interesting to the others. Don't be like Bob from accounting that talks to everyone about his stamp collection.

The problem with dinner parties is that you might end up having to socialize with a bunch of tragically boring people. Consider yourself lucky if there's no Bob from accounting.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I wonder if anyone could share any info or tips about what they do in social situations. My wife wants us to go to dinner parties and to socialise with her friends but she dreads it as I'm so socially awkward in these situations and more often than not come across as being rude. I would usually use alcohol to loosen up in these situations but I don't want to end up drunk when everyone else is not drinking. Any advice would be helpful

i see social situations like these as struggles.the best thing to do is wait for the right moment to

strike

(you wait for someone to ask you something related to what interests you) & you answer right back at him,or by chance,her).

 

[Nervous Rex]

The best social skill are learning to:
1) Pretend to be interested in what the other person is saying.
2) Asking questions to keep them talking. Ask about their family, work, and hobbies. If they seem to like talking about something, you can ask prompting or probing questions.
3) Learning to recognize quickly when they aren't interested in something. If they appear to be zoning out or looking around, it's okay to break off the conversation so you or they can go talk to someone else. It's easy to say, "Oh, excuse me, I have to go say hi to XXXX." It's also okay to stop talking about whatever you think is boring them and say, "Let's talk about something more interesting."

Socializing is all about making the other person feel comfortable. The best socializing is when the other person realizes this, and does the same to you. When you find people like that, make them your friends.

 

[Suzanne]

I used to use alcohol before I went out, so that I would be tispy and all because one of my ex boyfriend's friends said to me: it is a shame you are not drunk all the time, because you are so much more fun drunk, than sober. At the time, I was mortified and so, started to put vodka or whisky in my coco cola ( as I could not stomach the taste of vodka or whisky on its own).

I happen to be married to someone who is not a social butterfly; although when we have attending social functions, he manages to get over his shyness, whilst I sit miserably.

There was a short time that I refused to go to functions, but recently was asked to attend a bbq this sunday and decided that I would give it ago, but I am nervous still.

 

[DCA]

I'm not much better to be honest. Last week my company sponsored an outing to a local minor league baseball team. I went & would have escaped with saying a grand total of 2 words to anyone there ("Yes" & "Thank You") until my boss came up to talk to me for a couple minutes. Even then I left after an hour (I was full from the food they served). But still such events can be useful for practicing & learning social skills, so I wouldn't knock it completely.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If you are not very social by nature, you should learn how to escape the awkward silence or the one word response. Remember that you are not a trained seal, so you are not expected to be the life of the party. You should make sure you are enjoying yourself. I agree with many of the comments here about making an effort to get to know new people. Even if they may appear a little dull, you can usually find something to talk about that has some substance to it. Other people may be nervous as well, making them shy and reserved. A good conversation is part skill and part natural interest. The problem with dinner parties is that they tend to make everyone nervous - proper table manners, who sits where, spilling, etc. I can't manage a large group conversation at a dinner table, so I make friends with the person sitting closest to me. It's a coping mechanism.

 

[I love roses]

If you are not very social by nature, you should learn how to escape the awkward silence or the one word response. Remember that you are not a trained seal, so you are not expected to be the life of the party. You should make sure you are enjoying yourself. I agree with many of the comments here about making an effort to get to know new people. Even if they may appear a little dull, you can usually find something to talk about that has some substance to it. Other people may be nervous as well, making them shy and reserved. A good conversation is part skill and part natural interest. The problem with dinner parties is that they tend to make everyone nervous - proper table manners, who sits where, spilling, etc. I can't manage a large group conversation at a dinner table, so I make friends with the person sitting closest to me. It's a coping mechanism.

My priest says NT’s have a little of this too. Many, many, people are a little nervous getting either to know someone new or to try to draw closer to someone we know but have not established a close bond yet.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

You're wise to stay off the booze; drinking to calm your nerves, give you confidence etc is how alcoholism starts. Whatever you do, don't go there; better to make the odd social faux pas than end up an alcoholic.

 

[Progster]

Dinner parties. Stiff and boring. I would organise social events around activities rather than sitting down and talking. Perhaps, organise a game or a movie after the dinner, something that everyone can talk about and relate to.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

…..you could just not go.

talk to your spouse about the fact that such situations make you feel very uncomfortable and that it would be best for both of you if you didn't attend.

 

[I love roses]

Practice. It's a skill. Of course, if you just don't get along with the others then it's more like an exercise in willpower and patience. If you never talk to people you are going to be totally awkward and weird the first time and there's nothing you can do about it.

Find a common interest, or maybe they have some cool interests that you could learn about. Just remember to stick to topics that are interesting to the others. Don't be like Bob from accounting that talks to everyone about his stamp collection.

The problem with dinner parties is that you might end up having to socialize with a bunch of tragically boring people. Consider yourself lucky if there's no Bob from accounting.

Most people do not discuss topics much. Mainly people talk about what is going on in their lives and the lives of who they are talking to. They like for you to show interest in their lives and the people they know.So today I saw a lady that I missed her wedding. So I asked how it went and how long did it last. I think 45 minutes. So I mentioned mine lasted two hours and a social til midnight. She was a prominent citizen so she gushed on and on about her wedding just happy as a lark, smiling and so on. Didn’t ask a word about me and I was glad. .it was a struggle to keep making eye contact and mirroring back but I did it. Lately people are coming up to me to talk for a change. .i think it is because I let it be all about them. My priest and advisor warned me about topics. She said no one talks about subjects. But I love topics. So I have to pinch myself to make it all about them and smile, nod, agree, until my mouth breaks from smiling. So I guess only us ASD like topics. So even though the wedding was a topic, it was still all about her.

 

[Progster]

So I guess only us ASD like topics.

Yes, I prefer topics too - NTs like topics too, but they need to have the small talk first. You have to ride out the small talk with them to get to the topic.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

The whole "don't like topics" is probably more a woman thing. With guys I can talk about topics, with most women I can't. With guys I need to be talking to someone I have something in common with or there's pretty much no conversation. With women it's much easier and you can usually find something to talk about that both enjoy.

Also... Small talk is like "Nice weather out there, huh?" "Yup, how bout that World cup finals match?" "I'm sure they had a nice time playing in this weather but I couldn't care less about football". It's what you talk about when you have nothing to talk about. I consider what roses mentioned to be different.

 

[I love roses]

It seems to me though, people seldom like my topics and prefer theirs. So I try to let them run with theirs. If I try just to introduce some subject, like “were you into philosophy?”, I’ll probably get a weird look and they will walk off. But if they are a new “ Teach For America”, teacher I might ask, “what methodsnhave you found that control kids in the classroom?”, because TFA’s always are assigned to at risk kid areas. Then I might say, I tried teaching kids but I can’t control the bully. do you have any ideas? If they are an engineer, I’ll ask if their work is mentally intriging, One guy clung to me in conversation all night because he had an exciting job but got bored with it and wanted to be a writer. I then went off on writing, but are their guilds here? No one gets rich! Oh yes they do! He said. MY female coworker just got rich doing it. I’m like how did that happen? He said she doesn’t write what she likes.mShe found out fantasy novels are a big thing right now and she quit her high paid engineering job and just bought a big house.” Im like really? What on earth is her name?” Where did she build her house and move too.” Once you find a hot topic like that. let them talk and ask things that you might even want to know. You have to find out something about the person either because you are in their community and know already or you have to ask. But you have to ask tactfully. It has to be appropriate for the situation. Youtube has some basic topics that people prefer to get you started as well.

 

[I love roses]

The engineerr I talked to about the writer I had asked where he worked. when he told me a research area, I asked if he was a scientist? So he corrected me and said no engineer. So then I said what kind? Make sure the question is appropriate. Don’t ask that though in a high crime area. They may not want to explain. Asked a lady her name. She was at a safe place, a nice museum. But she got mad when I asked her name or where she was from? She said, .I don’t give that out. So I dropped it. Decided she either had been through too much or had issues and wanted no part of me so I thanked her for letting me see the museum and left.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

That's a bad way to segway into Philosophy. You also have to understand that most people are not going to be talking about that. Around 1% of the population even has the intelligence to have an interesting conversation about it in the first place, let alone the interest.

Autistics are usually interested in very technical topics that require large amounts of knowledge. Even if someone would be interested it would hardly be interesting to you if someone doesn't have any of the knowledge. I doubt a chess champion would be interested in talking about chess with me, despite the fact that I find it very interesting.

 

[I love roses]

It’s not always that you hate what you have to talk about to them that is about them. Because that lets me get to know them. knowing what they do can come in handy. Are they an electrician? I might need an electrician. Even if it’s something I don’t need I can now ask that engineer has heard from the coworker that became the author. The next time I see him I need to show .i cared enough about him to remember something about him by using a follow up question that is not too personal or prying.

 

[I love roses]

That’s because Id rather sit in a corner alone than talk sports. That’s not gonna happen with me to make a friend. I don’t want friends that bad to suffer sports talk. Some people took philosophy in college. You either hate it or love it. I simply asked anrecent grad how they felt about that class. Didn’t get any nibbles. The only ones into it I know are Catholic apologists on EWTN. I found Origen notes in my Greek Bible so I had a good time going round and round with a proselytizer. But yeah,
i’m always looking for something intelligent to discuss. I can talk to guys but not women unless they are deep thinking women. That woman I discussed the wedding with would die if she knew that didn’t float my boat. But maybe some day if I get to know her I will find intelligence. If not I may move on. I can always talk history, mechanics, technical stuff with guys. I’m not going to talk about spending $5,000 on party decorating and building the scene from scratch. The only thing I could contribute is “how to” then i’d be regarded with disdain as hired hand. So I just have to flow along like lava. So how was your trip to Germany, pleasure or business? That kind of thing. Bleh!