• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Social pressure regarding marriage

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm sick and tired of female colleagues asking me when i'm gonna get married. Apparently i can't just tell them that i'm a social retard when it comes to flirting/dating, and that my current long term relationship isn't working. We are still together cause of financial security, neither i nor she can live independently on our current salaries but the feelings are gone and we are quite incompatible aside from that, relationship has no future. Well they know that part about finances and the current state of our relationship but still... man, wish that i could just shout out to them that I'm autistic and it's insanely hard for me to find anyone, don't know if they see that i am. I'm masking of course but it's not a particularly good mask.
She is my 1st and i haven't had any experience before in any sense. My teenage and youthful years are filled with crippling isolation regarding that part of the social scene. I had friends but the girls i had a crush on quietly avoided me with some comments coming from the people (like gay, retard, he's probably gonna kill himself before the age of 25) behind my back. My feelings in that regard are really intense and each of those crush related rejections hurted like hell for a very long time leaving me severely traumatized with depression and anxiety in it's wake.

Question- it is okay for both you and your "partner" to be dating other people? You should clearly have this talk 1-1 with your "partner".

If she says "yes", when your colleagues ask you about "when you're getting married", the you can consider asking them if they want to date you in reply. When they ask about your long term relationship, you can tell them that you had a talk with your girlfriend in-person and you both agreed that you could date other people. If they want to pry more, tell them that you can tell them more 1-1 if they take you on a date.
 

Crusnik

Active Member
Update: We broke up and i found a cheap apartment near my current residence. I feel devastated, I've known it for a long time, it was hanging in the air but it still hurts like hell now that it actually happened. I'm paralyzed with grief, sorrow and anxiety now and i don't know what to do now, nothing makes sense :sob::sob::sob:
 

WhitewaterWoman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I’m so sorry! Breaking up feels so terrible. You feel all alone. You do have support and caring here. Hang in there. It will get better. You don’t have to do anything right now. Just take care of yourself.
 

Crusnik

Active Member
The anxiety is gone with all of its debilitating symptoms and mental blocks. I can think straight once again and I've been introspecting a lot about what happened and my thoughts and feelings related to that. It would appear that my issue is alexithymia. What i thought i was feeling or not feeling better said is not what i was actually feeling. The feelings weren't gone, they were just buried in the mundane everyday life. I have fond feelings for her and still love her very much. I miss her...
 

WhitewaterWoman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I’m glad you are feeling better.

I have alexithymia too. I think roughly 1/3 of aspies have this problem, so you are not alone.

I know the pain of missing someone. Cherish the good memories.
 

Crusnik

Active Member
Thank you for your kind words, don't know if the pain will ever really go away.

P.S. I wasn't blocked anywhere but i don't want to speculate and overthink about the meanings and implications of that, it's probably best that i don't think and look at life from a present position, one day at a time.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Update: We broke up and i found a cheap apartment near my current residence. I feel devastated, I've known it for a long time, it was hanging in the air but it still hurts like hell now that it actually happened. I'm paralyzed with grief, sorrow and anxiety now and i don't know what to do now, nothing makes sense :sob::sob::sob:
It's not always supposed to make sense. It just "is" sometimes. You won't forget, but you will find good ways to deal with this. Learn what you can if that is even possible, and focus on the present and future as much as possible. Get back together with friends.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm sick and tired of female colleagues asking me when i'm gonna get married. Apparently i can't just tell them that i'm a social retard when it comes to flirting/dating, and that my current long term relationship isn't working. We are still together cause of financial security, neither i nor she can live independently on our current salaries but the feelings are gone and we are quite incompatible aside from that, relationship has no future. Well they know that part about finances and the current state of our relationship but still... man, wish that i could just shout out to them that I'm autistic and it's insanely hard for me to find anyone, don't know if they see that i am. I'm masking of course but it's not a particularly good mask.
She is my 1st and i haven't had any experience before in any sense. My teenage and youthful years are filled with crippling isolation regarding that part of the social scene. I had friends but the girls i had a crush on quietly avoided me with some comments coming from the people (like gay, retard, he's probably gonna kill himself before the age of 25) behind my back. My feelings in that regard are really intense and each of those crush related rejections hurted like hell for a very long time leaving me severely traumatized with depression and anxiety in it's wake.


Maybe, if those female work colleagues ask you about your dating life again, ask them out or ask if they have a relative similar to you in age in response every time they ask. If you are attracted to female colleague asking you about your dating life, ask them out yourself if you are attracted to them. If they authentically interested but are concerned about being work colleagues, suggest going on one date and if it works out, both of you will immediately tell HR the next day.

People might not like that response, but that's a nice way of saying don't be too nosy unless you want to share that level of personalness with me in your own life. If someone does call your bluff or "bluff", then consider it. You don't have to accept to go on a date with so and so, but something to consider.
 

Crusnik

Active Member
They are just curious in a very stereotypical way that is akin to NTs and they are just friendly colleagues acting cordially towards me, being "nice" and all that. They don't want to get too personal with me as they find me a bit too odd as i noticed a long time ago. I'm accepted and tolerated in some way but that's it. I was never invited to go out to any social events, for a cup of coffee, or something else.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
They are just curious in a very stereotypical way that is akin to NTs and they are just friendly colleagues acting cordially towards me, being "nice" and all that. They don't want to get too personal with me as they find me a bit too odd as i noticed a long time ago. I'm accepted and tolerated in some way but that's it. I was never invited to go out to any social events, for a cup of coffee, or something else.
People generally are nosy when they shouldn't be. As they are unlikely to connect with you, for them to ask you such questions and you to show potential interest in them in their relatives either gets you potentially what you want (a date), or to leave you alone and not keep asking. Them asking is them putting them in that space for you to ask back about dating that person or a relative of theirs.
 

Crusnik

Active Member
They are for the most part older women and married with kids. There are two of them who are single. One is almost 10 years older than me and we are a complete mismatch in interests/personality/temperament. The other is few years younger and is not really that interested in me. Conversations usually stop after several sentences and my attempts to get the talk going further are met with passive avoidance, her being busy with something or someone followed by several days of nothing but "hi" and her avoiding eye contact. She than got back to neutral nice behavior with me pretending like nothing happened.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom