• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Social pressure regarding marriage

Crusnik

Active Member
I'm sick and tired of female colleagues asking me when i'm gonna get married. Apparently i can't just tell them that i'm a social retard when it comes to flirting/dating, and that my current long term relationship isn't working. We are still together cause of financial security, neither i nor she can live independently on our current salaries but the feelings are gone and we are quite incompatible aside from that, relationship has no future. Well they know that part about finances and the current state of our relationship but still... man, wish that i could just shout out to them that I'm autistic and it's insanely hard for me to find anyone, don't know if they see that i am. I'm masking of course but it's not a particularly good mask.
She is my 1st and i haven't had any experience before in any sense. My teenage and youthful years are filled with crippling isolation regarding that part of the social scene. I had friends but the girls i had a crush on quietly avoided me with some comments coming from the people (like gay, retard, he's probably gonna kill himself before the age of 25) behind my back. My feelings in that regard are really intense and each of those crush related rejections hurted like hell for a very long time leaving me severely traumatized with depression and anxiety in it's wake.
 
That sounds like a total nightmare.

The past insults you described are all too familiar. I hope you can find some way out in the future.
 
Reminds me of how I felt when I was 18. Constant social pressure to get married, but I had been publically shamed as unmarriagable (long story). As in on an almost weekly basis people would get up in church and make shaming comments on people who hadn't dated anyone recently, but most girls wouldn't interact with me or if I tried to ask them out they'd not so subtly reference the public shaming event. Hated that time period. Sucks that you are stuck with someone where it isn't working due to finances, hope you find a better things in the future in all ways.
 
Cultural differences, the whole situation sounds incredibly 1950s to me. In Australia people don't expect to get married unless they're from some sort of religious minority.

My sister did get married, but before they even met she had 2 kids and he had 3 and they sort of turned in to a parody of The Brady Bunch. And when they did get married it was a private affair in a tropical resort and no family was invited. No, not even the kids, it was a personal affair just between the two of them.
 
I can relate. I went through divorce but we were killing one another, it's very bad to do that but you get caught in sabotage and if I didn't retailiate he would have taken me to the cleaners. Being a NT it's natural to not flinch at what he was doing.

It was a marriage in hell, all he ever did was nag for sex and let me down. I ended up being the navigator while he stood behind ship taking charge and yelling at me, eventually I walked off and whole place fell apart, guilt...oh, the kids so I had to start navigating through stormy waters thinking it wasn't fair and trying to consider if I really made wrong choice in partner. I wanted an intelligent man not a pretender and I didn't like way he put me down as if it was normal for women to be stupid and I was overeating at being offended.

Truth is I love children I just wasn't sure about this world and the uncertainty would grate at me. It was pressure from family, I was late twenties and first thing I lost was my career when kids born so I went into shell shock at how he used money to blackmail and control me like a real spoilt brat. I couldn't take time off when I was overloaded, I felt like I was running around trying to keep up with demand and could never relax and enjoy time spent. Whenever I had feelings he would shut me out and talk about bringing home the bacon and I felt it wasn't the life I would have choose. Worse was adapting to his family which was so different from ours. The one day I told pastor's wife I disagree that women obey men, that a man should marry into a dual agreement, should choose a suited that's suitable and not try change who I am fundamentally, but I still love God and that church has misinterpreted this love.
The end of me.
 
I apologise if this is off your thread but I've being needing closure my whole life about why I'm so unacceptable. I'm going to just spit this out and see if anyone can help me....
I have my own sensory issues, I don't always switch off and mask. I also have my own ideas and things im working on that are important and I'm not beset on being nothing and walking in his shadow and this seems to be a very hard idea for NT men to grasp.....
With regard to switching tasks, or multi-tasking or whatever....my on/off button for sex doesn't just switch on and often I'm busy with other things that have my attention. I can be keeping myself busy for days on end without wanting to have super together, I'm eating at my PC and it doesn't mean I don't love you, I'm busy. I really apologise that I didn't notice the advances until I got yelled at, and then I couldn't make my on button switch on, so I was hiding in the cupboard when he got home.
I prefer living alone as I haven't met someone who can understand me.
 
(like gay, retard, he's probably gonna kill himself before the age of 25) behind my back. My feelings in that regard are really intense and each of those crush related rejections

This is NT people and why I need closure on way they sleep around and expect me to comply when I'm just so much deeper in my idea of how I love someone. Below is one of Picasso paintings of his many ex-wives, needless to say he is one of the cubism artists I do not appreciate.
So forget what they are saying....
 

Attachments

  • images (20).jpeg
    images (20).jpeg
    11.8 KB · Views: 41
I relate to this too. I have more than social problems to boot like time management skills. I can barely take care of myself while working while people my age work, do household chores and raise children. I cant imagine myself doing all that.
 
I apologise if this is off your thread but I've being needing closure my whole life about why I'm so unacceptable. I'm going to just spit this out and see if anyone can help me....
I have my own sensory issues, I don't always switch off and mask. I also have my own ideas and things im working on that are important and I'm not beset on being nothing and walking in his shadow and this seems to be a very hard idea for NT men to grasp.....
With regard to switching tasks, or multi-tasking or whatever....my on/off button for sex doesn't just switch on and often I'm busy with other things that have my attention. I can be keeping myself busy for days on end without wanting to have super together, I'm eating at my PC and it doesn't mean I don't love you, I'm busy. I really apologise that I didn't notice the advances until I got yelled at, and then I couldn't make my on button switch on, so I was hiding in the cupboard when he got home.
I prefer living alone as I haven't met someone who can understand me.

Spinoza said, "Good and evil is just an idea of joy and sadness." Some people have very limited views of joy and sadness, and reject who isn't their servant; doesn't mirror their pleasure; or won't conform to their self-image.
 
The “when are you going to get married?” question is just straight up rude and full of judgment. There’s nothing useful about that question, and it shows a total lack of understanding for your actual situation.

My own bias is that the days of focusing on weddings and marriage as the end all be all of one’s life are gone. In the States, statistics have shown that it is a social norm that goes badly for the participants 50% of the time. This does not include people who stay married for whatever reason in very unhappy relationships.

For people to still impose this notion on others is ridiculous. For those who love being married, that is perfectly fine for them, but it is not for all of us. Autistic people are known for doing things differently, and I have hope for you that you will find the sort of relationship you want and will not be either forced into things or put down by the social pressures of people around you who simply don’t understand.
 
Sometimes I used to think such a question was really intended onto to establish whether or not I was gay, and not simply my marital status as a single male. On occasion such intrusive questions would result in me responding to them, "I will when I find someone willing to donate their body to science." That usually confused them, but more often than not it also shut them up.
 
Now people frown upon marriage. Because too many of us have heard the divorce horror stories, and marriage horror stories. I too limped thru a gaslighting marriage. I feel l would have been happier if l hadn't gotten married. But due to finances, l would be in a worse place without my marriage. I now am more mature, and still won't remarry.
So the statistics show that less people are getting married period so no need to respond to anybody pressuring you.
 
The “when are you going to get married?” question is just straight up rude and full of judgment. There’s nothing useful about that question, and it shows a total lack of understanding for your actual situation.

My own bias is that the days of focusing on weddings and marriage as the end all be all of one’s life are gone. In the States, statistics have shown that it is a social norm that goes badly for the participants 50% of the time. This does not include people who stay married for whatever reason in very unhappy relationships.

For people to still impose this notion on others is ridiculous. For those who love being married, that is perfectly fine for them, but it is not for all of us. Autistic people are known for doing things differently, and I have hope for you that you will find the sort of relationship you want and will not be either forced into things or put down by the social pressures of people around you who simply don’t understand.

Great post. It's interesting to me how prevalent this attitude is: that people must get married. It wasn't so long ago that the idea of the "confirmed bachelor" or "spinster" was more accepted. But, today things are different. Or at least more politicized.
 
It's repeating theme, where constantly point out why you need a cure, without understanding anything. We should stipulate that people who write the tenant rights and what may constitute a lease agreement should disclose their asd status however I never disclosed mine. So this is just how misunderstood we are.

I have being under pressure to remarry and told by own father by boys need a male role figure, with my NT son I can see why he state this. Society is inclined to rely on women not coping financially to disempower you, I hope men know how we feeling this too.
 
I have being under pressure to remarry and told by own father by boys need a male role figure, with my NT son I can see why he state this. Society is inclined to rely on women not coping financially to disempower you, I hope men know how we feeling this too.

That's another argument I get tired of. Better to have no parent than a bad one. I realized at a young age that my parents didn't know what they were doing and just looked to other adults who were more reasonable. I can't say I've really had problems with bosses, teachers, or other authority figures, either. A great parent is wonderful, but I'm not sure they're as important was we want them to be.

As an adult I've had people think I need a "strong" male role model, because they misunderstand the anxiety from being Autistic in a non-Autistic society. I don't need more baseball, I need less eye contact.
 
@Crusnik
There are three problems here:
1-Your past and the sense of rejection.
2-The seeming intractability of your current co-dependent 'relationship'.
3-Your workmates applying social pressure relating to you marrying.

1: Instead of focussing on the crushes and the commentaries from behind your back, you need instead to focus on who you are as a person. You, and countless thousands of others who are on the spectrum and who have had very much the same experiences, are simply different. The lack of social skills which underlie this is simply how you're built, and seeing the 'failures' only obscures the strengths you have instead - and you do have strengths instead. Search those out and build on them.

2: I had a partner once with whom it was impossible to live, yet our financial co-dependency made it impossible to split up with. Or so it seemed.

In fact what it took was for one of us to realize it was such a destructive trap to be stuck in that the practical result of breaking up was far less than the human damage of staying together. In most instances like this, the pain of. split is relatively brief while one or both find the new financial reality they have to deal with, but this is far less pain than the toxicity of a bad relationship that will not ever mend.

Not just that, but it holds you back from a better future you deserve.

3: Tell them that if and when you marry will be entirely up to you, not to them, and that it is not in your future plans at all. You could add that you appreciate their concern, but it isn't helping, and perhaps they ought to focus on something more productive instead.

Yes, I know, all very much easier said than done, but that's where you start.
And best of luck!
 
@AO1501
1. I know what my strengths are but those situations are very specific, i have very intense feelings that throw me off completely when that happens. It's not a rational assessment of the situation that is a problem. I tried psychotherapy but my therapist couldn't really help me in that regard. She tried to refocus me on my perceived positive aspects and i couldn't really explain aka verbalize what I'm feeling except for a few somatic symptoms that might have some sense to her. We sometimes spent an entire session trying to pull an explanation with her finally pulling something emotionally understandable at its end.
I have moved out from my hometown years ago and live in a bigger city now, I'm more mature now and overall mentality isn't as toxic as before but wounds from the past get open non the less when somebody hits them unintentionally or otherwise.

2. We both understand that but we don't really see other options that are better than this for quite some time now. We are more of roommates now so to speak. This are difficult times aside from that (i don't live in the west) and finding a better-paying job is a struggle for everyone, much more for us.

3. It's more of an annoyance at their lack of understanding that boils over sometimes, i don't feel inclined to judge myself based on their standards of course.

@rest
Thank you for all of the responses although it was more of a venting post. Your answers and comments make sense but are largely relatable to the western part of the world. It's not that much different here in eastern Europe but it's still quite a difference. Like those marriage horror stories, i know that western Europe and America are having a real societal crisis with that part of their social lives. I can answer more about that but it's not necessary to go any deeper as it's not important here.
 
Work on as much as you can to make yourself independent. Anytime someone asks you when are you getting married, reply by switching the topic slightly and asking them to help you pay and/or find opportunities for (full time) college and/or finding a job that would be possibly willing to take you in and pay you much more.
 
Reminds me of how I felt when I was 18. Constant social pressure to get married, but I had been publically shamed as unmarriagable (long story). As in on an almost weekly basis people would get up in church and make shaming comments on people who hadn't dated anyone recently, but most girls wouldn't interact with me or if I tried to ask them out they'd not so subtly reference the public shaming event. Hated that time period. Sucks that you are stuck with someone where it isn't working due to finances, hope you find a better things in the future in all ways.
Your CHURCH had public-shamings? D: I'm so sorry...
 

New Threads

Top Bottom