Sifting Through Autism

[Marcipan]

Sorry about that guys, the post was too long. Thank you all for helping with the post!

 

[Marcipan]

Also if anyone wants me to explain how or why I feel a certain way, I'd be glad to tell you my point of view as well.

 

[Bolletje]

I do none of those.

 

[Tom]

Tbh, I only skim read your post, but did not actually see anything in there specific to Aspies. It sounded to me like personality/relationship issues that can occur to anyone.

 

[Marcipan]

I do none of those.

Is it because it's a different part of the spectrum you think? I have read that there are different kinds in the spectrum, could this be one of the differences?

 

[Marcipan]

Tbh, I only skim read your post, but did not actually see anything in there specific to Aspies. It sounded to me like personality/relationship issues that can occur to anyone.

And that's what I'm trying to figure out, because whenever we talk about each issues, she says it's because she's in the spectrum. And I honestly believe that we're missing something that prevents us from understanding where the problem is.

 

[Bolletje]

Autism is a spectrum, sure. We're a (neuro)diverse bunch, so you're going to see a lot of different expressions of autism.

However, to me it just sounds like you and your friend need to have a good talk on neutral ground. You're both frustrated and you need to work that out, regardless of her being on the spectrum. Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to stop trying to improve yourself, though. At least, that's my opinion.

 

[Marcipan]

Autism is a spectrum, sure. We're a (neuro)diverse bunch, so you're going to see a lot of different expressions of autism.

However, to me it just sounds like you and your friend need to have a good talk on neutral ground. You're both frustrated and you need to work that out, regardless of her being on the spectrum. Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to stop trying to improve yourself, though. At least, that's my opinion.

I concur. I think improvement is necessary at this point, though I can't help but think it's because it's my fault.

As for neutral ground, what do you suggest in order to achieve a neutral ground or what is considered as one? We have tried talking things out when things are no longer heated or in the moment, but it eventually gets there.

 

[Jana Delaney]

I only skimmed your post, because it was quite long. A long post of complaints; little complaints, about your Autistic friend. On this forum there is a long and steady stream of what many of us call 'NT's' who have a long and steady stream of complaints about the Autistic people in their lives, and somehow, mysteriously expect us to participate.

It's such an extensive list that I'm sure some of the things on it probably apply to yourself, perhaps all of them. Psychological projection, common amongst NT's. Hmm, I seem to be repeating myself a lot where that's concerned.

 

[Tom]

And that's what I'm trying to figure out, because whenever we talk about each issues, she says it's because she's in the spectrum. And I honestly believe that we're missing something that prevents us from understanding where the problem is.

If that is indeed the case then it might be a case of blaming the autism as a way of avoiding having to accept it to be a typical personality trait or flaw and having to deal with it or make changes. (ie.'Oh its not me its the autism'). Now there are things that are autism generated so it can be like that sometimes. It is that what you describe does not sound like autism based issues.

 

[Marcipan]

I only skimmed your post, because it was quite long. A long post of complaints; little complaints, about your Autistic friend. On this forum there is a long and steady stream of what many of us call 'NT's' who have a long and steady stream of complaints about the Autistic people in their lives, and somehow, mysteriously expect us to participate.

It's such an extensive list that I'm sure some of the things on it probably apply to yourself, perhaps all of them. Psychological projection, common amongst NT's. Hmm, I seem to be repeating myself a lot where that's concerned.

I apologize that you see it as a complaint, or if it is seen in general just as that. I have expressively wanted to know how I should be handling this, or if the problem is me, myself. I am willing to work with that.

However what I got from your message is that "people like me" shouldn't expect anyone from the spectrum to help to explain or help us understand because it is just complaints? I do not understand. I thought the point of going here is to get help from both sides and from all people?

If I am wrong in this, then I will no longer post questions or try to seek help to understand my aspie friend here.

 

[Jana Delaney]

I apologize that you see it as a complaint, or if it is seen in general just as that. I have expressively wanted to know how I should be handling this, or if the problem is me, myself. I am willing to work with that.

However what I got from your message is that "people like me" shouldn't expect anyone from the spectrum to help to explain or help us understand because it is just complaints? I do not understand. I thought the point of going here is to get help from both sides and from all people?

If I am wrong in this, then I will no longer post questions or try to seek help to understand my aspie friend here.

I don't want to have to do an autopsy on your original post, it's too long. So, I'll cut to the chase. You don't have to understand her. She isn't a crossword puzzle. The way to handle it is by accepting that she is not defined by 'Autism', she is defined by being human. If her qualities, traits, and attributes annoy you, and I am guessing they do, since the bulk of your posts on this forum regard complaints about her, then terminate the friendship and find some 'normal' friends. The 'whole point' of the forum is that it is a place for autistic people to communicate in the written word, regarding the things they wish to communicate about, hence the name; 'Aspie Central'. Non-Autistic people are allowed here as a courtesy, even though they often abuse this courtesy to complain about autistic people.

 

[Lula1989]

I have to answer this with all the words up to f=be able to answer correctly, so I will do my best to space my answer to your question.. I must note, that reading this I became very sad because I do a lot of these things and can tell people are annoyed or upset, but for the life of me can't understand why. So hopefully I can answer well for you. I had to erase most of your questions to respond for character limit

1:
She forgets things
I mean... She does. Makes a mess of the kitchen and it looks like a hurricane went through it, cupboards open, dishes all about. She cleans, but not thoroughly as it would still look messy.
(She's getting way better at it though than how she used to be so no complaints here, just want your thoughts on it)
My Answer - I do not do this. I am extra sensitive to clutter. HATE it. I throw fits when there is 2 cups on the counter. It feels like it eats me alive when I see a mess and I can't think of anything else, as if my mind goes black, until things are clean.

2.
She feeds me wrong information then "corrects" me shortly afterward
What makes me really annoyed is that she'd feed me false information (not deceiving, but at that moment in time she honestly believes what she's saying), and a day or two later I'd use the same thing she told me prio...
My Answer - I am not sure if I do this, but I can see why she does it. Very black and white thought and the memory loss would explain a lot here.. Sometimes when I am in discussions with someone and I am pretty sure I am right, I will say it, but "follow it up with a research for yourself though" type of answer. This way people don't get upset anymore lol

3.
She forgets conversations, arguments, and events
I mean... I honestly do not have a clue how to solve this. A lot of the suggestions I've been getting from the forum is that when emotions are running high, either walk away from it and decide to talk about it late...
My Answer - I have severe memory loss. I can't remember much more 18 and spoty thereafter. Most of mine I think is from childhood trauma. Very, very negative mother and vicious mother at that towards everyone. I do still to this day forget conversations, but it is selective I think. My husband says I can remember every. single. word. to a conversation that it is mind boggling, but when he is telling me about the conversations he and I shared, I forget we have had them. These are likely arguments or disagreements. I always lumped it up with childhood trauma. Growing up there were always arguments, therefore I can't remember most of my life, so now when my husband and I argue, I likely do the same thing.
Also, a lot of the mean things I say, I don't really mean. A lot of it is frustration because of his lack of listening and understanding. I can't stand when people are just waiting for you to finish talking so they can debate a single word you used 3 minutes ago. Maybe work on your way of communicating? Not sure... I would say try not to debate. It's likely easier for your mind to process and let go of issues easier than it is for us. I will replay and replay and replay stuff and the guilt eats me alive. Maybe you can be that person that brushes it off your shoulder.. but then communicate later what you THINK she was feeling. Not to be selfish, but sometimes I need a lot more focus on my feeligns and thoughts because that is the biggest struggling point for me in my life.

4.
My Answer - I do this all the time. I am trying to work on it by reading the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.. Real answer - I read an article weeks ago that I presented to my husband to use. When she assumes your feelings or facial features, write it down and say "when my face does this, or you think I am thinking this because of said posture or face, what it really means for me is this xxxx". I assume my husband is upset a lot when he really doesn't have a thought on his mind. I read his lack of facial features as being upset, because when I get upset, I shut down and my face goes dead.

5.
My answer - I do this all the time and am trying to work on it. I feel like when I say things people write me off , don't believe me, or trust me, when I know I am right. I go on defense mode. Maybe next time trying listening to the words you are using. Don't be contradictory to her words, or SOUND questioning, even if you aren't. It's hard, I know. I feel awful for my husband having to deal with it, but maybe start off your sentence by saying how you are really trying to understand her feelings with new eyes (since u have been friends for 16 years). I bet she would be so grateful for the new perspective.

6.
My Answer - I don't understand the "I should be more lady-like"... are you slamming stuff, or are your smacking? I got confused. I don't mind loud TV when I am controlling the volume, but when my husband turns it loud I go into sensory overload. It has to do with control. I can control the environment around me to go as loud or as bright as I can handle in the moment. So I undertsnad it may be frustrating that she can make the same volume of noise you are, but you are wrong for it. Sucks I am sure, but it is all a matter of us controlling easing into those loud environments.

7.
My Answer - I am a bragger up until this year when I felt like everything I do is wrong, and now I beat myself up every day or the smallest things, like my lack of emotion in my eyes. I wouldn't get so wound up on this, for I would rather be confident like I was, then where I am right now. Let her be proud, because that may be the ONLY thing keeper her happy... it was for me.
Secondly, aspies tend to think a lot about themselves because we can relate more to our internal world than the external.. maybe find some articles?? blogs??

8.
My Answer - I say inappropriate things all the time. I recall when my niece was born, I went into the hospital room and someone asked me if she was beautiful, and I said no, she looks like an alien coming out of a pouch (I was obsessed with aliens when I was 13). My answer is don't ask a question if you don't want me honest answer lol. For that is the #1 thing you can always count on with an aspie, our directness and honesty. I'm sorry she thought your soda tasted bad, but it is kinda funny (to me). Now that we have identified myself as an aspie, my husband laughs all the time at my directness. I can't do jokes, because if you tell me a joke that is a bit off from fact, be ready to be corrected and given the better way of saying the joke. I say enjoy that quirk, because I have not found such honesty in any of my NT friends, which is why I don't have many now (friends period).

9
My Answer - (not I am not trying to be rude, just stating my experience)Sorry if this is rude, or out of boundaries, but I found your response in example one quite rude. Maybe you didn't state it exactly like that to her, but I would suggest not in the future. At least for me I would not like that. You have to remember this is a way we process things. You asked her to go do something, but could not suggest anything (or sometimes you do). Maybe she already had plans at home, but was open to hanging out with you if it outweighed her other personal plans. I do this all the time, but I am always honest about why I don't want to hang out. I am probably more defensive about this than any others. I had a best friend once, that everytime we had plans for a certain day at a certain time, or in the process of making plans, she would straight up lie about her reasons not to. She would cancel an hour or 30 mins before with a complete lie. I, at least, was always honest. Even if my answer was "hey, I don't want to hang out anymore. I can't gt myself to leave the house or put on makeup. Having a weird day today". But I never got that honesty in return. Maybe at first she was excited to get out, but a few minutes of thinking about it she got anxiety. I do this a lot too.

10.My Answer - I think this comes from a conflict of information. Being told one thing by one person (please go get the BF) and another thing by someone else (come to me first before getting my BF). Loyalty should lie with the friend, but she may personally not have had any conflicts/arguments with neighbor, therefore got a little confused (?). I am grasping here.. I'm not sure how to help. I know when I was younger and had a friend that didn't like someone, but that person never caused me ill-will, and I didn't really understand why my friend hated the other girl, I just stayed neutral and talked to both. Didn't work out with the friend, but I didn't think I should be forced to hate someone because someone else did (goes back to a logical way of thinking for us, and maybe a lack of empathy to some degree). You can PM/DM me if you have questions! I would love to help if I can

 

[Lula1989]

After all the time I spent to respond you deleted