Should I be friends again with my (ASD) ex

[Aspychata]

As others have said, it comes down to how much longer you want to chase after this guy and keep letting him play hot and cold mind games with you. Being “friends” with someone you still want to be in a relationship with is…well, you’re kidding yourself. And he’s made it clear that he wants to be friends so that he can string you along and maybe or maybe not be in a relationship with you again eventually. That’s very disrespectful behavior, and he should muster the integrity to break up with you for good so that you can move on.

Sometimes that. Sometimes we don't want any more then that. I am relationship introverted. Sometimes a light easy relationship is okay as long as both partners are okay with it. Just as long as you are validated and your boundaries are respected.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

So the intimacy part of not being there is okay with you? I lived in a marriage that we didn't have intimacy, l guess it was okay with me.

Alot of men can't discuss these serious issues because maybe it triggers them or makes them feel inadequate somehow. So l tread very lightly when discussing things. Maybe ask why the subject triggers them. That's a great way to get conversation going. Try to be patient. Go to a neutral area, a beach, a pretty quiet scenic point and start with a compliment then gently broach the item de jour. Maybe he is afraid you don't want to be with him if there is no intimacy.

So... I cannot be in a relationship without intimacy :/ But intimacy can be in different forms. It doesn't have to be just sex/physical. My ex is sensitive and he has opened up to me at least a couple of times about his commitment issues and his inability to show affection, and that despite that he does want to settle down -- I do not know how to discuss it further because I would ask a question to understand and he thinks I'm attacking him.

Thank you for your advice but we're broken up and I'm just not sure I'm in a position to discuss this with him?

 

[Aspychata]

Guess only if he wishes to discuss. Maybe just put a feeler out? Relationships are difficult so please don't beat yourself up.

 

[Raggamuffin]

"friends again" if you broke up a few days ago?

I think the question answers itself really. Only you know, but a few days is too short a time period if the breakup was intense. Months, years? Nobody can know for certain, except for the two of you.

It has to be mutual, but it can't be rushed. Or else you run the risk of ruining any prospect of having a friendship.

I'm friends with 2 out of my 8 ex's, and one of them we've only just started speaking again after 5+ years. Again - there's no strict time period, but a few days would be highly risky at best imo. Raw emotions etc. aren't a foundation for any sort of friendship.

Ed

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

Thanks to everyone who responded to this thread. I really appreciate all your replies, but because I have no self control, I texted my ex Happy Birthday about a week after my last reply/post and we started talking/hanging out again. We have hung out a few times since then but things have definitely changed -- no more overnights and we don't "cohabitate on the weekends" anymore. He never extended an invitation and I never asked. No physical intimacy, though that has already been lacking prior (he recoils when touched especially when stressed out). A few days after I greeted him Happy Birthday I hung out with friends and they encouraged me to get back on dating apps, so they downloaded the app to put a profile together and browse and we found him.

Needless to say, it has been weird on my end. He doesn't know I saw him on the dating app, which I also disabled as soon as I saw that. Though we've been hanging out (once/twice a week, at least the last month and a half), this was always in the back of my mind and I guess this helped me detach/put my guard up and pull back a little bit. He on the other hand has stayed playful and would still playfully touch me and call me pet names. When I ignore him, he reaches out. It might seem that I'm playing games but I just am still figuring out how to behave around him, and this has been challenging because communication even before the break up has already been difficult. When people are in a gray area or transitions like this happen in relationships it's when communication is needed more, to determine where each person stands. I do know that these kind of talks stresses him out though.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here as so far I've managed to cope by keeping some distance and ignoring him whenever I feel confused or anxious. I noticed that he seems to feel somewhat rejected whenever I do this, and I don't want him to feel this way because I still care, but things are different now (because of his decision to break up). How do you even talk to someone who doesn't seem to understand their own feelings, gets very anxious about serious talks, can easily feel attacked when you're not careful with your words..... and just really overall doesn't want talks?

I guess I'm just sending an update but open to and appreciate any thoughts.

 

[rse92]

My advice would be to move on.

You are not the one playing games. He is.

 

[paloftoon]

Not being able to accept and deal with confrontation means lack of quality communication. This is not good for a relationship. I would not go back into the relationship unless you can trust that he will change this attitude and take more ownership about his own actions.

You can try being just platonic as sometimes, romance can create more pressure and too much even though there is excitement too. But, it is up to you. This doesn't sound exactly like a mutual break up or ending on good or okay terms. So, before you attempt to befriend him, I'd say ask for, oh say, a 3 month break. And actually, if he's the one that asked to be friends, you can let HIM reach out to you after 3 months to be friends. If he can wait that long before asking you that again, and if he initiates that, then he may be worth giving a chance at the platonic level.

Your concern about:
" I'll lose that small chance of us working on getting back to where we were again."

really can be thought of instead as

"That "small chance" of you and him working on getting back to where you two were again would not have happened or there would've been more of a struggle to keep the relationship at a quality one" if this "test" of time cannot survive a 3 month break.