Confused_NT_girl
Well-Known Member
My ex and I broke up a few days ago. We dated for a year and a few months. A bit of a background: he is not diagnosed, and doesn't understand why he is "different".
Sorry this is long but tldr: Ex broke up with me but wants to stay friends. Maybe we'll date again, maybe we won't. Maybe we'll stay platonic. He wants to keep hanging out and go on trips, but no expectations, and no pressure.
This all started when he left for a month-long trip with his buddy a month and a week ago, and before he left he said "think about if you really want to be with me given my inability to be affectionate, commitment issues, I freak out when you touch me.." etc -- (none of those specific ones I made an issue about except for a few occasions when I thought it was ok to hug him, and that I asked if he has always been this way with other people). During this trip, there was a bit of tension between us because of that statement before he left. He was also working remotely and had very stressful deadlines which made him distant in the last two weeks of the trip. He came back on a weekend, then had a critical presentation at work on Monday, and right after that it was like a flip of a switch because he seemed normal again. Like nothing happened.
So I asked to talk about some boundaries that I set as a response to him asking me if I really want to be with him.. somehow this turned to him asking me to think about whether I really want to be with him or not, to, we should just be friends because he doesn't want me potentially blaming him for wasting my time due to his commitment issues (he said he's never felt those romantic feelings that should enable him to be affectionate, be romantic or basically commit, though he wants to settle down....with anyone he's dated). This was discussed in a few calls, in person hang outs in the last week, and what's confusing was when we hung out he seemed the usual him. He called me pet names, he would playfully touch me.. but as soon as I bring up our "discussion" his tone changes and he's adamant that we stop sleepovers or any other activities I consider intimate so "it doesn't confuse me". After a few intense calls/texts he made it clear that there are only two options -- we don't talk for a while and then later on maybe we can see if things will work out again, OR we stay as friends and maybe we'll date again, or maybe we won't. Maybe it'll stay platonic. But absolutely no expectations including no expectations that he won't date other people.
It seems to me that by confronting him, I pushed him away. There had been two occasions when a similar discussion of "let's just be friends" happened in the past, but because I swept it under the rug as further discussions stress him out, we went back to normal and our relationship progressed. This one blindsided me because we had grown really close before his trip (spending much more time together, and gradual integration of our domestic activities as we "cohabitate" on weekends). I'm just really hurt by it, and I miss him a lot. He also doesn't seem to remember past events, like, we've been in this situation before only less intense.
He said I shouldn't take this personally because this is a problem he's had for a lllloooonggg time which is why he's still single (he's late 40s, I'm late 30s). Before he left for his trip he said I'm a huge part of his life, and that he cares about me a lot, and a year ago it was more like, "I have commitment issues, but I want to try". Now I can't help but feel like a placeholder, waiting til he dates someone else and if it doesn't work out, maybe we can still work.
I know the best way to go about this is to give myself some space and not speak to him for a while, but then, I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll lose that small chance of us working on getting back to where we were again. He still wants to keep hanging out and go on trips together (we've traveled a lot).
If I give myself some space and not talk to him for a while, will he forget about me? Should I maintain contact? Or should I just carry on thinking he's just using me as a placeholder?
Sorry this is long but tldr: Ex broke up with me but wants to stay friends. Maybe we'll date again, maybe we won't. Maybe we'll stay platonic. He wants to keep hanging out and go on trips, but no expectations, and no pressure.
This all started when he left for a month-long trip with his buddy a month and a week ago, and before he left he said "think about if you really want to be with me given my inability to be affectionate, commitment issues, I freak out when you touch me.." etc -- (none of those specific ones I made an issue about except for a few occasions when I thought it was ok to hug him, and that I asked if he has always been this way with other people). During this trip, there was a bit of tension between us because of that statement before he left. He was also working remotely and had very stressful deadlines which made him distant in the last two weeks of the trip. He came back on a weekend, then had a critical presentation at work on Monday, and right after that it was like a flip of a switch because he seemed normal again. Like nothing happened.
So I asked to talk about some boundaries that I set as a response to him asking me if I really want to be with him.. somehow this turned to him asking me to think about whether I really want to be with him or not, to, we should just be friends because he doesn't want me potentially blaming him for wasting my time due to his commitment issues (he said he's never felt those romantic feelings that should enable him to be affectionate, be romantic or basically commit, though he wants to settle down....with anyone he's dated). This was discussed in a few calls, in person hang outs in the last week, and what's confusing was when we hung out he seemed the usual him. He called me pet names, he would playfully touch me.. but as soon as I bring up our "discussion" his tone changes and he's adamant that we stop sleepovers or any other activities I consider intimate so "it doesn't confuse me". After a few intense calls/texts he made it clear that there are only two options -- we don't talk for a while and then later on maybe we can see if things will work out again, OR we stay as friends and maybe we'll date again, or maybe we won't. Maybe it'll stay platonic. But absolutely no expectations including no expectations that he won't date other people.
It seems to me that by confronting him, I pushed him away. There had been two occasions when a similar discussion of "let's just be friends" happened in the past, but because I swept it under the rug as further discussions stress him out, we went back to normal and our relationship progressed. This one blindsided me because we had grown really close before his trip (spending much more time together, and gradual integration of our domestic activities as we "cohabitate" on weekends). I'm just really hurt by it, and I miss him a lot. He also doesn't seem to remember past events, like, we've been in this situation before only less intense.
He said I shouldn't take this personally because this is a problem he's had for a lllloooonggg time which is why he's still single (he's late 40s, I'm late 30s). Before he left for his trip he said I'm a huge part of his life, and that he cares about me a lot, and a year ago it was more like, "I have commitment issues, but I want to try". Now I can't help but feel like a placeholder, waiting til he dates someone else and if it doesn't work out, maybe we can still work.
I know the best way to go about this is to give myself some space and not speak to him for a while, but then, I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll lose that small chance of us working on getting back to where we were again. He still wants to keep hanging out and go on trips together (we've traveled a lot).
If I give myself some space and not talk to him for a while, will he forget about me? Should I maintain contact? Or should I just carry on thinking he's just using me as a placeholder?
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