Seriously, How Do You Make Friends?

[Pondering]

So dogs I get and get along with. Cats I don't get but get along with. Domestic animals naturally just make good friends and I am absolutely okay with having just animals as friends. But i also need a human friend too which leads me to ask one question: How do you make friends, human friends? Every time i try to make a friend as im trying to be subtle the person ends up walking away or ignoring me. I dont understand. A good friend. I have family and thats all great but what about friends, real friends. Not just a hi how are you goodbye and thats it friend or just an acquaintance. Anyone else have the same problem? How can i break the social wall so that i can be friendly? I know how to be super polite but I have no clue how to be openly warm or friendly but i want to!

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

I am in the same boat, I see people with close friends I can't figure it out. I sit with a few at lunch and listen to the conversations and it seems like normal "how's your weekend" type stuff, however; they all just get close and form a group and I am outside the circle. I think there is something we are blind to, or our ears can't pick up on.

 

[Emya]

I love my two dogs. They're like my best friends. I have one semi-close friend that I've had since middle school (16 years). We quickly became attached to one another because we were so very much alike. Other than that I have a terrible time making friends. I like to be alone or with family (my husband, parents, and considering my two dogs family). I just don't really understand how to get into a conversation with other people because my interests seem to differ so much from theirs, and this may sound horrible but I find that most of them bore me or freak me out.

 

[Etzelaire]

I just get lucky sometimes.

 

[Suzanne]

I never understood the concept of how to make friends and even at 45, I still have trouble!

I do actually have a couple of friends now; one is face to face and the other is online ( although I did spend a week with her). Both have taught me much about what friendship is, but I still do miss the main ingredient and thus, content to not worry about friendships anymore.

I would watch as my sister of two year's my junior, with apparent click of her finger, had a flock of people around her! We would go away on holiday and within a few minutes of arriving, she was off with tons of friends and I was stuck the whole holiday feeling very lonely. It always seems to that the last day of anything, I manage to strike up some sort of friendship but never goes beyond that and spent so many years, thinking I was just so stupid. I finally now understand!

To be honest, I do find friendships to be extremely complicated; although I have kept on one true friendship, up for 4 year's I t think and we chat virtually every single day on facebook. And lol she is coming up to 20 and found out a little while back that she is also an aspie, but she seems to not be too bad in this area of making friends.

 

[The Penguin]

There really no universal solution for this. Each person wants something different for friendship. It can all on trail and error. First is knowing what you want in a friend? After, maybe the first starting point for you is connecting with a group with common interests. One thing I learned if you don’t engage in the conversations you will not be any further ahead before attending. You might learn the group you attend may or may not work for you. It will take a lot of searching until you find someone is an ideal friend. Good luck.

 

[Progster]

I am in the same boat, I see people with close friends I can't figure it out. I sit with a few at lunch and listen to the conversations and it seems like normal "how's your weekend" type stuff, however; they all just get close and form a group and I am outside the circle. I think there is something we are blind to, or our ears can't pick up on.

I agree with this; this is generally my experience of socialising.

I find it hard to make friends because I don't know how to make conversation. Finding people with whom I have something in common is hard, too. What works best for me is to have an activity to share with the other person, doing something together rather than just sitting and talking, so there isn't so much pressure to keep talking all the time. I don't like social activities based round talking.

 

[nyxjord]

Generally the only people I can really seem to connect to are people on the spectrum. There's this gap/wall that only other people like myself can seem to cross.

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm lucky in that I don't have many of the social challenges many other Aspies face, so perhaps I can give you some input from the other side of the "wall".

If you're an adult, one thing you should know is that the older you get, the harder it is to make new, good friends, especially if you aren't married and/or don't have children. I know plenty of NTs who struggle to find real friendships in adulthood, too. So make sure you're not too hard on yourself. You're by no means alone.

Before you do anything else, you might want to give some thought to what you want in a friend, what your boundaries and preferences are for interpersonal interaction, and what you would like to do with a friend you might make. The answers to that will give you some ideas of where you might want to look to make connections.

To help overcome your difficulties with socializing, Google it. Literally. There are some great websites like this one, designed to help people who are socially awkward: How To Be More Friendly And Social | www.succeedsocially.com .

Once you've studied up, one good way to put yourself in situations for natural conversations that may lead to friendship is by joining a group of some sort, for which people congregate to share a particular interest. That gives you something to talk about that is almost sure to be welcomed by your conversation partner. If it doesn't go well, no harm no foul. You never have to go there again.

The bottom line is, making real friends takes a combination of effort and luck. Getting the framework for the effort down will improve the quality of your effort, but don't feel bad about yourself if it takes a while to find someone you click with. Some people attract others in droves, it's true. That doesn't mean there's a single true friend in the bunch. People tend to like me a lot when they meet me, but only a very small percentage of those people are anyone I would really want to know.

Edit: Here's a thought. If you don't mind people knowing you're on the spectrum, be open about it with new people you meet. I have an Aspie friend who actually tells people he has Asperger's when he introduces himself, and says "So if I seem a little awkward, that's why." I'm amazed how many people respond to that by wanting to talk to him, if only out of curiosity. He has a ton of friends so something in his method must work!

 

[paloftoon]

I personally have a hard time with NTs or people on the spectrum. I definitely feel quite in-between both worlds so to speak. I've come to realize that a lot of things are NOT my fault. I also realize that I have to keep trying when I can, but that I can go at my own pace more or less. I should also focus on things that I at least semi-like and can relate to others potentially. A lot of the activities I like tend to be more loner type activities which does not make it easy, which makes it harder to form friendships. I think the best way to go about things is to try to look for things you like at least a little bit, try to listen to other people if they initiate contact with you, try to initiate contact with someone who may be more alone themselves, and be confident. Don't expect things to work out, but take a "risk" every now and then.

 

[JDartistic]

My experience is that friends come & go throughout your life. I've had close friends who then leave - I used to blame myself, but I think it's just the nature of people - we sometimes grow apart.

The main advice I'd give you is that you have to make an effort & actually get out among people. It's also harder as you get older bc people don't always need a best friend.

Most will say join groups but I do better one-on-one so I go on dating sites for regular dates. I do that to get out regularly & some have become friends. It keeps u circulating & less isolated.

I also talk to store owners. They are always there & u can visit anytime. I have made a good friend that way. Over the years, just by chatting at the store while buying something, one day I invited her to a dinner party & she came! The friendship then blossomed.

Re interaction, just be yourself. More importantly, keep trying. It takes time but u have to make the effort.

 

[Micho]

Since my childhood, i some difficulty to make friends. With no aspie person i feel like weardo.
Now i've some friends but difficulties to carry it on.
Exchanging with them is the hardest part.

 

[Adora]

This has been a lifelong struggle for me,when I was a kid I only had a handful of friends not even that but sometimes they would turn and not want to be my friend and I wouldn't know why,some even ended up bullying me but I haven't had any real friends in many years and while I do sometimes wish I could have at least one there is the other part of me that rather stay the way I am,it's been very difficult for me and I do struggle with my torn feelings about it.

 

[Omega]

I have one friend. He was my best friend in high school and he just will not let me ride off into the sunset. About once or twice a year we actually get together and always have a real nice time. The last time we got together he asked me why I didn't come around more. I tried to explain about how I knew I wasn't but I always feel like I'm intruding unless I'm invited. Then a little speech followed informing me that I'm welcome anytime and everything that comes with it. I have to respond that not him its me. We debated the matter a little longer before he said" Whatever, you are the way you are, as long as you come when I invite you." That how I know he's my friend

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have one friend. He was my best friend in high school and he just will not let me ride off into the sunset. About once or twice a year we actually get together and always have a real nice time. The last time we got together he asked me why I didn't come around more. I tried to explain about how I knew I wasn't but I always feel like I'm intruding unless I'm invited. Then a little speech followed informing me that I'm welcome anytime and everything that comes with it. I have to respond that not him its me. We debated the matter a little longer before he said" Whatever, you are the way you are, as long as you come when I invite you." That how I know he's my friend

That story almost made me cry. Does he know you're Aspie? Don't ever let that one get away - that is a true friend. I wish you would ask him to do something just once because I know it would mean the world to him. (My eyes are welling up - I feel like such a girl!)

 

[Micho]

It's same for me. I have a friend since my childhood. My best friend. We have past throught hard moments, angry to each other without seeing him for a long year. Today we are in very good relationship but we live in different city and working a lot so we don't past time together since a few years. I miss him a lot!

My friend is like my sister.

 

[rainydays]

Hey Cheryl, the best thing you can do is keep trying. I have no long-term friendships that have worked out, except for some on the internet, and I think it's just a matter of time until I make a true friend IRL for life. Yes, I believe it's possible, because I think I am caring and kind in my own way, even if I sometimes withdraw or am awkward, or even have melt-downs. There are open-minded, genuinely kind people out there who will accept you for who you are, even if they are nowhere on the autism spectrum and don't completely understand you. All you have to do is be genuine, be communicative, show some interest, and most importantly (in the beginning), be consistent. It's important in the beginning because that's when you bond.

 

[TSS]

Making friends has always confused me. Growing up I had one friend, but I needed to always be in charge when we played. Her mother actually thought of me as a bully. The quietest Kid a bully! When we reached about 13 the friendship seemed to just stop. Nothing happened, I think, it was like she moved on and I stayed put. Since then I have had people that I talked to but not what I would call friends. The relationships never lasted. Again they would move on and I didn't. I am close to my brother and his family. We go out to eat almost every week. I have no other people besides them. I have tried to make friends by going and doing different things. The people form a group start talking and I am left feeling outside the group. I don't seem to know how to break the ice or keep a friend. I have tried but I just don't seem to get the making friends and keeping friend piece of life. It is so frustrating. I would like to have someone to go do things with, but on the other hand I am so afraid that I like to be left a lone. I am so confused about all of this.