Semi NT Aspie advice for salvage

[Jt0554]

fwfweefw

 

[All-Rounder]

It seems to me youre reaching out a lot more than she probably needs, since she isn't doing some of her own.

I know how hard it is to feel insanely needy of someone and them not to feel the same, Im so sorry. I can't really understand why she would distance because when dad died I was just as close with my bf as before. I guess she really isn't in the mood for much social
exchange.

I would like you to start feeling better and immerse yourself into other things but especially talk to people, not about it. This will help you get your focus off of her which is what is best for her and you both. Get some recovery and become more independent for now.

 

[Jt0554]

I guess my plan was to send an email stating that I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes, and I was just giving her the space she asked for but I would still like to be friends when/if she feels up to it. You think it better just to continue to stay out of contact?

 

[Judge]

A couple hours later she responded "I can't be in a relationship right now, I need space"

1. I'm afraid that's rather definitive on her part.
2. Under the circumstances, you probably spooked her coming on too strong.

Your NT friends are right. You've pushed that "envelope" as far as it will go. Back off, and see if she bounces back- or not. If not, accept the reality that she has moved on, and so must you.

 

[Tom]

A lot of people come here with similar stories. I think they hope to find out that with Aspies various versions of 'no' actually means 'yes'. They do not.

 

[Jt0554]

A lot of people come here with similar stories. I think they hope to find out that with Aspies various versions of 'no' actually means 'yes'. They do not.

Oh I am quite aware of her No. I just meant in salvaging a friendship, without pushing any boundaries. I care for her a lot, so I just sort of want to try and do the right thing, either stay away completely, or let her know I would be here as a friend if she ever wanted that.

 

[Mia]

I care for her a lot, so I just sort of want to try and do the right thing, either stay away completely, or let her know I would be here as a friend if she ever wanted that.

Let her know that you are there for her, if she needs you. That's it. Leave her alone for now, after that message.

 

[GadAbout]

You and she are not compatible. Let go.

 

[Juliettaa]

I'm another who thinks you should back off. She's made it clear that she needs space and if you continue to push it, you may completely damage any chance of a future friendship.

If someone were to 'push it' with me, I'd feel suffocated and cut them off completely for not respecting my boundaries.

It's a tough situation, but it definitely sounds as if it's time to let go.

 

[Jt0554]

I'm another who thinks you should back off. She's made it clear that she needs space and if you continue to push it, you may completely damage any chance of a future friendship.

If someone were to 'push it' with me, I'd feel suffocated and cut them off completely for not respecting my boundaries.

It's a tough situation, but it definitely sounds as if it's time to let go.

Yeah I haven't said anything to her since she said she needed space, not a single message, that was about a week ago.

 

[Juliettaa]

Yeah I haven't said anything to her since she said she needed space, not a single message, that was about a week ago.

That's good. Stay strong, keep it up

 

[Jt0554]

That's good. Stay strong, keep it up

Yeah it is just hard, because I want to send a low stress communication like an email rather than a text, just to let her know that I am giving her space and not angry or anything and I completely understand her not meshing with me that way. But then comes the idea that you cannot be giving someone space and contacting them at the same time.

 

[Juliettaa]

But then comes the idea that you cannot be giving someone space and contacting them at the same time.

That's right.

You can do whatever you want though. After all, we're (in the main) just a bunch of random autistic people on an internet forum who are giving you advice. The choice however remains yours.

 

[All-Rounder]

Yeah it is just hard, because I want to send a low stress communication like an email rather than a text, just to let her know that I am giving her space and not angry or anything and I completely understand her not meshing with me that way. But then comes the idea that you cannot be giving someone space and contacting them at the same time.

Send it to us like you would to her.

 

[H-Kath]

That's way too much texting. I've struggled a bit with this due to GAD. The thing that seems best is one message, 24 hours for a reply, a second message then nothing more unless they reply. If it's a friend I know well I'll check back in a month or so. Leaving her be sounds like the right call. I wouldn't advise reaching out for at least a few months and at that point be sure to make it clear that you're not trying to strike up a romance.

 

[Jt0554]

Send it to us like you would to her.

So a bit of an update. I ended up sending an email titled "space and apologies"
I am not going to word for word what was said. However I basically said that I was sorry for being so intense and that it is something I am working on, that I was not mad or upset with her that I was just giving her space. That I thought our friendship was really awesome and we were good at motivating each other and stuff. That if she ever thought she could handle a friendship with me I would be there. Basically no pressure, I am not mad, I understand life happens and blah blah but that I really cared about her as a friend, even if she didn't have feelings for me. Because that was the absolute truth. Romance aside I care way more about friendships.

Anyway she responded via text message. Along the lines of: I just have a lot going on, I don't feel very positive so I am not able to motivate you or myself and I don't have a lot to say lately to hold any conversations or have any free time. I hope you are doing well and if you want to be friends and text occasionally that is fine.


So I guess my thoughts are that the grandmother thing really is taking a lot out of her. She is likely having to drive out to her every weekend. Her home life was really bad other than her grandmother so she probably feels like she is losing 1 of just 3 good people in her life. She has 1 friend, a dad that she likes but is sort of at odds with for always siding with her mother, and her grandmother. Seems like the classic pull away? I don't feel that she has negative feelings towards me, just currently can't find any positives. I want to be a good friend. I want to respect that when things are hard she likes to be alone. I also want to respect the fact that she can have some pretty serious depression so I will be a bit worried. I believe she may have some BPD tendencies like her mother on top of everything. So I am going to focus on being a supportive, available, yet distant friend.

I feel so bad for this amazing woman, and I want to be a good supportive friend, and I am just trying to do that the best way I can. Thank you all for the help.

 

[Major Tom]

Sometimes it's best to just let go, as hard as that may be.

 

[Rectify]

What is 'wfweefw'??

 

[tree]

What is 'wfweefw'??

OP said "fwfweefw", not 'wfweefw.'

It's possible to search 'wfweefw' and get wfweefw (@jiji_gaddr) | Twitter
but I supposed OP's batch of letters was just meant to be onomatopoeic
for the sound of pressure/steam being released.

I could be mistaken, of course.

 

[Rectify]

Correct you were. I must have missed the first letter on copying.

Well, with nothing else firm, I'll run with a pressure release meaning. Thanks.