Saying Thank You and responding to emails

[LucyPurrs]

This is actually why I prefer in-person communication sometimes....because with in-person communication I can say things like "okay" and just use (mirror) nonverbals to convey understanding of the often-most-important emotional parts, and the fact that I am sitting there and listening conveys interest.

It is hard to think of responses because it's hard to know what kind of response the person wants (validation? comfort? advice? information? something else?)

This is actually why I prefer in-person communication sometimes....because with in-person communication I can say things like "okay" and just use (mirror) nonverbals to convey understanding of the often-most-important emotional parts, and the fact that I am sitting there and listening conveys interest.

It is hard to think of responses because it's hard to know what kind of response the person wants (validation? comfort? advice? information? something else?)

Your point about what kind of response is wanted is well taken. I can understand that he may have no idea what I am looking for so I need to be clearer in my communications. I was, I guess, just hoping he would share his feelings in reaction to the things I said but I have never clarified this for him and need to do so. Not sure if this is actually an NT/AS issue or a female/male issue. I think maybe the latter in that females seem more inclined to give to feeling responses to expressions of emotion.

 

[the_tortoise]

Your point about what kind of response is wanted is well taken. I can understand that he may have no idea what I am looking for so I need to be clearer in my communications. I was, I guess, just hoping he would share his feelings in reaction to the things I said but I have never clarified this for him and need to do so. Not sure if this is actually an NT/AS issue or a female/male issue. I think maybe the latter in that females seem more inclined to give to feeling responses to expressions of emotion.

This could be a combination of the two things, as well.

I'm trying to understand what you mean by "feeling responses" ..... I don't really understand what you mean, especially when you're talking about text communications. (In person all sorts of things communicate feelings, and could be what you mean.)

Do you mean something like this(?):

You: I feel [emotions] about [thing that happened]

Friend: I would feel [similar or identical emotions] about that too.

If it is this one, then I would suggest that you ask your friend, "How would you feel if this happened to you/if you were in my place/about [name/description of thing that you have feelings about]?"

Or like this(?):

You: I feel [emotions] about [thing that happened].

Friend: That is/sounds so [emotions to describe a situation -- e.g. frustrating, joyous]

If it is like this one, is it accurate to say that at least part of it is you are hoping for your friend to share in your feelings, or hoping for validation?

I am not sure how to ask for something like this more specifically....validation (or the validation part, if it is more complex and validation is part of it but not all of it) is easier because you can just say, "I need/want/am looking/hoping for some validation".

Any shared feelings aspect is more complicated....I don't know how to ask for it, because unlike asking for how he would feel it's more like asking him if he can feel what you feel (what I'm referring to -- you might not ever even want this or anything like it, I make no assumptions here).....

You could ask something like like, "Can you imagine/understand how I feel?" but then you might just get "Yes" or "No" as an answer if you don't explicitly tell him you'd like him to then narrate his imaginings back at you to show his understanding....which I think might sound really weird (even though this is something people want and receive from each other all the time) because I have never heard anybody explicitly ask for it. (Which may not matter at all to you or your friend....I have lots of memories of people saying to me, self-consciously that they sound weird but even if I suppose after thinking about it that it is weird, it wasn't like it struck me as weird at the time and I don't actually care -- weird is all good with me. I do and say weird things all the time, so it's not a problem for me if other people do or say weird things.)

Or something like this:

You: [Either of the above "You" statements, or you tell a story that doesn't actually contain "I feel" statements or feeling words but that contains other expressions of emotion -- like specific words or phrases that generally connote specific feelings]

Friend: I [am/feel] [emotions] for you. [Or something without any actual description of feelings but that connotes emotional experience, like "That must have been awesome/terrible for you"]

I have no idea how to go about asking for this explicitly and I have given myself a headache (an actual headache that I'm going to go take something for in a moment) writing this so I need to stop now....

 

[LucyPurrs]

This could be a combination of the two things, as well.

I'm trying to understand what you mean by "feeling responses" ..... I don't really understand what you mean, especially when you're talking about text communications. (In person all sorts of things communicate feelings, and could be what you mean.)

Do you mean something like this(?):

You: I feel [emotions] about [thing that happened]

Friend: I would feel [similar or identical emotions] about that too.

If it is this one, then I would suggest that you ask your friend, "How would you feel if this happened to you/if you were in my place/about [name/description of thing that you have feelings about]?"

Or like this(?):

You: I feel [emotions] about [thing that happened].

Friend: That is/sounds so [emotions to describe a situation -- e.g. frustrating, joyous]

If it is like this one, is it accurate to say that at least part of it is you are hoping for your friend to share in your feelings, or hoping for validation?

I am not sure how to ask for something like this more specifically....validation (or the validation part, if it is more complex and validation is part of it but not all of it) is easier because you can just say, "I need/want/am looking/hoping for some validation".

Any shared feelings aspect is more complicated....I don't know how to ask for it, because unlike asking for how he would feel it's more like asking him if he can feel what you feel (what I'm referring to -- you might not ever even want this or anything like it, I make no assumptions here).....

You could ask something like like, "Can you imagine/understand how I feel?" but then you might just get "Yes" or "No" as an answer if you don't explicitly tell him you'd like him to then narrate his imaginings back at you to show his understanding....which I think might sound really weird (even though this is something people want and receive from each other all the time) because I have never heard anybody explicitly ask for it. (Which may not matter at all to you or your friend....I have lots of memories of people saying to me, self-consciously that they sound weird but even if I suppose after thinking about it that it is weird, it wasn't like it struck me as weird at the time and I don't actually care -- weird is all good with me. I do and say weird things all the time, so it's not a problem for me if other people do or say weird things.)

Or something like this:

You: [Either of the above "You" statements, or you tell a story that doesn't actually contain "I feel" statements or feeling words but that contains other expressions of emotion -- like specific words or phrases that generally connote specific feelings]

Friend: I [am/feel] [emotions] for you. [Or something without any actual description of feelings but that connotes emotional experience, like "That must have been awesome/terrible for you"]

I have no idea how to go about asking for this explicitly and I have given myself a headache (an actual headache that I'm going to go take something for in a moment) writing this so I need to stop now....

Oh Tortoise, so sorry this gave you a headache! All I meant by " a feeling reply" was how the receiver felt in response to receiving my message. For example, if I say " I love it when you let me watch you play a game", this is a statement but sometimes I'd like to know if this statement made him happy or if he felt nothing in response. Mostly I send statements re how I feel- I guess if I want to know how he feels in response I need to ask but it makes me uncomfortable to ask that so much.

 

[MrSpock]

@LucyPurrs what is it about asking how he feels that makes you uncomfortable? I guess that you want to know so it's not the knowing itself that is making you uncomfortable. In my case I know that my friend wants to know more than I volunteer, but I also know that I can easily volunteer too much. If there were something I could do to make her more comfortable in letting me know clearly what she wants to know I would also be more comfortable.

So far as I'm concerned I would be happy to answer whatever she wants to ask provided she does really want to hear the answer. It would be nice to get specific questions such that I could rest assured that she does not feel I'm hiding anything - in the absence of such questions I must either bombard her with information or else accept that she probably wishes to know something and I'm not going to tell her about it because I lack the necessary intuition to answer a question she's not specifically asked using words. From my perspective it's as though she expects me to read her mind.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Mr. Spock, your response is very helpful. I guess I'm uncomfortable about asking a question which might make him feel he is being put on the spot- I don't want to do that to him. On the other hand, he has said more than once that I can ask him anything. I have never felt he was hiding anything, I do think I might have been expecting him to "read my mind" in that I was hoping for him to relate how my communication made him feel without specifically asking that question. I guess I either have to live with not knowing or asking him directly if it is of that much importance to me. His feelings are extremely important to me but I also don't want to be intrusive or push for information he doesn't want to share. Part of the difficulty is that we have never met in person (hopefully this will be corrected in a few months) and so I can't "read " him quite as easily as I might if I were with him in person. Sometimes I wish he would bombard me with information!

 

[the_tortoise]

Oh Tortoise, so sorry this gave you a headache! All I meant by " a feeling reply" was how the receiver felt in response to receiving my message. For example, if I say " I love it when you let me watch you play a game", this is a statement but sometimes I'd like to know if this statement made him happy or if he felt nothing in response. Mostly I send statements re how I feel- I guess if I want to know how he feels in response I need to ask but it makes me uncomfortable to ask that so much.

No apology necessary, I chose to write it

For me (but hopefully not for your friend) this is just too broad.

When you ask "how the receiver felt in response to receiving my message", I look at that and think there are different things you could mean (although it occurs to me that the context of your message itself might narrow it down some)....for example, how the receiver felt about receiving a message from you, period, regardless of what was actually written, versus how the receiver felt about you sharing some specific thing with them in terms of how it reflects on your relationship (I gather this is the one you mean in your example?).

His feelings are extremely important to me but I also don't want to be intrusive or push for information he doesn't want to share.

Could you just say this before you ask, and let him know you are okay with it if he does not feel comfortable answering, or doesn't have an answer for the question you've asked?

 

[LucyPurrs]

Thanks, Tortoise! Yes, of course I can let him know his feelings are important to me and that it's ok if he doesn't know how he feels or doesn't want to or have an answer- I've always told him this anyway. And yes, I did mean how he felt about receiving the specific message since we talk almost daily so receiving a message from me is common. I think maybe I'm just too worried about stuff in general and should ask when it's important that I know and leave it be if it isn't so important.
I do so much appreciate your responses and those from others as well- they are all very helpful in letting me know how things can be perceived from a different standpoint. So thanks to all of you for your helpful responses.

 

[Moonhart44]

When I do this, i am thinking, they do not want to be inconvenienced by another email
i say thank you but it hurst me a lot for some reason. i really hate saying thank you. i can barely tell people "I love you". i am not really sure why