Saying Thank You and responding to emails

[LucyPurrs]

My "Aspie" friend rarely says thank you when I do something for him or give him a gift. He also never responds to my emails in which I express inner feelings. I am never sure how to interpret his silence. Any advice?

 

[the_tortoise]

I suggest you ask him directly in the context of telling him how you feel about his lack of response/thanks, but maybe only ask about one thing at a time.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

From what I understand, it is not uncommon for those with Aspergers to sometimes have difficulties seeing the perspectives of others, and to express appreciation and other feelings the same way as others. This does not mean they do not have empathy, but just show it in different ways.

In some cases, they may assume that how they think and feel is how everyone thinks and feels, as they can generalize or compartmentalize. As well, the appreciation for the gifts is often there but instead of it being shown by saying thank you, maybe accepting the gift or item and using it is their way of saying thanks.

Often those with such Autism Spectrum conditions can especially have a hard time with finding comfort expressing their emotional feelings towards someone, or it can create anxiety when such closeness is present, so that sometimes could be a factor as well. Those on the Spectrum are often honest, too, and true to being themselves, so it could be harder for them to say thank you if that was not how they usually express, or if the item was of little use to them.

As for the advice, I will leave that to those with Aspergers or Autism here, as they could give more information there. In our case with our children, we just try to be good role models and say thanks, please, sorry, you are welcome, excuse me, bless you, etc., at those appropriate times, and Aaron, our oldest with high functioning Autism is very polite now, but prior to him being so he would ask us what those meant and we explained why we were saying those things. He learned.

 

[Alaska]

My "Aspie" friend rarely says thank you when I do something for him or give him a gift. He also never responds to my emails in which I express inner feelings. I am never sure how to interpret his silence. Any advice?

I suspect that he is either overwhelmed with emotion that he does not feel able to express, or is afraid he might act too emotional if he says anything about your gifts. Just guessing, though. Every Aspie is different.

As Tortoise mentioned, asking him is the only way to really find out what is going on with him. Just asking about one thing at a time is because some of us can be easily overwhelmed by too much to process at a time.

 

[xudo]

It could be that he just doesn't think to say thank you. I had it drummed into me to always say please and thank you, so now I think I probably do it more than I should. It doesn't however always occur to me to do other things that I'm apparently supposed to do. For example, offering someone a drink when they are at my house. Sometimes I will eventually remember that I am supposed to do that, but then it's been so long since I should have that I think "well it's too late to do it now"...so I don't

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

In regards to reply to emails... maybe he just doesn't know what to say, or doesn't actually have anything to say. I have trouble remembering that I'm supposed to reply to emails even if I have nothing to really say other than "ok" or "that's interesting (but not really why are you telling me this)".

 

[Gracey]

If someone hands me a gift, I'm usually surprised.
It isn't my birthday or Christmas so what has just happened?
I'm usually confused.

If someone writes me an email that expresses their feelings I tend to think 'okay' and that can be that. They obviously felt the need to inform me and there can usually be a lot of statements. "I feel this, I feel that. I love the way something else happens.
No answers are required because I haven't been asked any questions

 

[LucyPurrs]

All of these replies have been very helpful so thanks to all of you! I suspect that he either doesn't know what to say in response or is overwhelmed by his feelings. I hesitate to ask him why because I don't want to sound critical and I don't want to put him in an awkward position. What I might do is tell him it would be very helpful to me in understanding him if he would share his reactions to my emails but also explain I understand he may not know how they make him feel. What do you all think of that idea?

I think he may be overwhelmed by my gifts so I don't want to push the thank you issue (especially since he often does say it). He is a student so has no money and I have told him that I do not want any gifts from him, only his friendship which he already gives.

 

[the_tortoise]

For example, offering someone a drink when they are at my house. Sometimes I will eventually remember that I am supposed to do that, but then it's been so long since I should have that I think "well it's too late to do it now"...so I don't

I am similar except I tend to just apologize+announce my forgetting and offer whatever polite words/action late.

So for your example, unless the person was about to leave (or already gone), I would say something like, "I'm sorry, I never offered you a drink -- do you want something to drink?"

 

[the_tortoise]

If someone writes me an email that expresses their feelings I tend to think 'okay' and that can be that. They obviously felt the need to inform me and there can usually be a lot of statements. "I feel this, I feel that. I love the way something else happens.
No answers are required because I haven't been asked any questions

This is actually why I prefer in-person communication sometimes....because with in-person communication I can say things like "okay" and just use (mirror) nonverbals to convey understanding of the often-most-important emotional parts, and the fact that I am sitting there and listening conveys interest.

It is hard to think of responses because it's hard to know what kind of response the person wants (validation? comfort? advice? information? something else?)

 

[the_tortoise]

All of these replies have been very helpful so thanks to all of you! I suspect that he either doesn't know what to say in response or is overwhelmed by his feelings. I hesitate to ask him why because I don't want to sound critical and I don't want to put him in an awkward position. What I might do is tell him it would be very helpful to me in understanding him if he would share his reactions to my emails but also explain I understand he may not know how they make him feel. What do you all think of that idea?

I think he may be overwhelmed by my gifts so I don't want to push the thank you issue (especially since he often does say it). He is a student so has no money and I have told him that I do not want any gifts from him, only his friendship which he already gives.

Sounds good but if you can be more specific about what kind of reactions you are interested in, that might be helpful. If someone asked me to share my reactions to their emails I would not know what they meant.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

What I might do is tell him it would be very helpful to me in understanding him if he would share his reactions to my emails but also explain I understand he may not know how they make him feel. What do you all think of that idea?

I think he may be overwhelmed by my gifts so I don't want to push the thank you issue (especially since he often does say it). He is a student so has no money and I have told him that I do not want any gifts from him, only his friendship which he already gives.

This sounds good, but as tortoise says being more specific in the sort of response you are interested in might help. Have you asked him whether he actually wants your gifts? I've found that most people tend to just assume that gifts=good but personally I really hate being given things that serve no real purpose and struggle to react positively when I'm just thinking "oh thanks another piece of junk to keep for a few months out of obligation then send to a charity shop". Chances are he just forgets to say thanks if it wasn't drilled into him to do so as a child, but something to keep in mind.

It is hard to think of responses because it's hard to know what kind of response the person wants (validation? comfort? advice? information? something else?)

I could not agree with this more, when people share feelings with me I generally do not have a clue what sort of response they're looking for. I tend to automatically go to 'advice' but have learnt over the years that that is generally not the desired response, so I just stick to making affirming noises and trying to look sympathetic, which you obviously can't do over email.

 

[Datura]

It is also possible that your friend doesn't understand your emotional emails are intended to elicit a response. Was there any explicit indication that you expected a response? It could be that the information was conveyed, he had nothing to add, so he moved on.

Rendering responses to emotional emails is tricky. It is often unclear precisely what the person wants. Platitudes are easily replicated, but lack nuance, care, and often veracity. Advice maybe be practical, but is usually unwanted. Perhaps one could share an insight, but those are hard to come by and not always welcome either.

 

[Keigan]

My "Aspie" friend rarely says thank you when I do something for him or give him a gift. He also never responds to my emails in which I express inner feelings. I am never sure how to interpret his silence. Any advice?

Both are aspie traits.

I agree with others in the thread.

Emotionally overwhelmed and can't respond, as in a response would almost be illogical. Saying thank you is something i had to learn, in that I learned that there is value found by others when I do say thank you. Saying thank you is also a coping mechanism to avoid a conversation of conflict when someone eventually ask why I did not say thank you.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Ok, thank you all. I didn't realize I need to specify the kind of responses I was looking for to my emails so that is helpful. I usually include a question but maybe it isn't specific enough because he almost never answers it. Re gifts: I've always sent gifts he indicated he wanted plus candy and I have also always told him that if I ever do send something he doesn't want he can give it away or toss it and that will be fine. He's said that I've never sent him anything he didn't like and he does thank me sometimes, one time he stated "I'm silently grateful for all you do for me, not so silently anymore." Had to admit that as an NT, I found it puzzling why he would be silent in the first place. But I am learning a lot from this website and want to thank all of you for your helpful and enlightening responses.

*Keigan not sure I understand why my thinking he may be emotionally overwhelmed and can't respond would be illogical???

 

[Keigan]

As an aspie there can be many challenges towards understanding emotions. When I can't understand my own emotions then attempts to understand the emotions of others seems like an insurmountable challenge. Responding to some one else's emotions can almost seem illogical in that I know I can't.

Still I try and I continue to learn and I continue to improve.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Thank you Keigan, now I understand better what you said.

 

[MrSpock]

I'm on the spectrum, and have had difficulty communicating with a woman who I love and who is not on the spectrum. I cannot presently call her my girlfriend, likely due in large part to her asking general questions and expecting specific answers. It's taken me months to figure this out.

Several times when we've discussed relationshippy things she's looked rather upset and asked me 'what do you want from me?'. I've responded with things like being her best friend for the rest of my life, us to fall in love, sex. Those answers have been legitimate and honest, she's never seemed quite satisfied though but did not pursue it, maybe she thought that I was avoiding her real question which she has not asked. She's been having a battle with her ex over custody of her kids, and at one point she looked at me, was clearly upset, and asked 'what does he want from me?'.

Context. It was clear that she meant 'what does he want me to do before he will allow me to share custody of our children?', even though she did not ask that. Months later, after a great deal of puzzling over our conversations I believe I know what she was really asking me, and it takes the form of 'what do you want me to do before you will...?'. And it's something I've been wanting to do. I've never refused her this, I've not been aware that she was under the impression that I would refuse it, but in her mind I have refused her because I have failed to make sense of her (contradictory) hints. I would not guess that she wants an explanation of why I have refused to give something that I am anxious to give.

I really wish that she would have been more specific, two minutes of conversation in which she made this clear would have changed everything... I think. I hope. It's possible that clear communication is the most valuable thing you can give him.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I'm on the spectrum, and have had difficulty communicating with a woman who I love and who is not on the spectrum. I cannot presently call her my girlfriend, likely due in large part to her asking general questions and expecting specific answers. It's taken me months to figure this out.

Several times when we've discussed relationshippy things she's looked rather upset and asked me 'what do you want from me?'. I've responded with things like being her best friend for the rest of my life, us to fall in love, sex. Those answers have been legitimate and honest, she's never seemed quite satisfied though but did not pursue it, maybe she thought that I was avoiding her real question which she has not asked. She's been having a battle with her ex over custody of her kids, and at one point she looked at me, was clearly upset, and asked 'what does he want from me?'.

Context. It was clear that she meant 'what does he want me to do before he will allow me to share custody of our children?', even though she did not ask that. Months later, after a great deal of puzzling over our conversations I believe I know what she was really asking me, and it takes the form of 'what do you want me to do before you will...?'. And it's something I've been wanting to do. I've never refused her this, I've not been aware that she was under the impression that I would refuse it, but in her mind I have refused her because I have failed to make sense of her (contradictory) hints. I would not guess that she wants an explanation of why I have refused to give something that I am anxious to give.

I really wish that she would have been more specific, two minutes of conversation in which she made this clear would have changed everything... I think. I hope. It's possible that clear communication is the most valuable thing you can give him.

Thank you so much Mr. Spock. I don't think I have been as clear as I thought so will try to further clarify when I ask a question of him or ask for a specific response when I email him.

 

[OkRad]

My "Aspie" friend rarely says thank you when I do something for him or give him a gift. He also never responds to my emails in which I express inner feelings. I am never sure how to interpret his silence. Any advice?

I was on this loop with a friend who is not quite aspie but much like. It never changes. If i tell him it makes me sad, he will return emails for week maybe t, then stop again. I am just not a priority.

I stopped talking to him for a year and he said he wanted our friendship back. So i started back up. But it is same. No change