Rules of engagement

[Turk]

Hi all,
Ive never really dealt with conflict, in my past, that well. Id never voice my annoyance, of others. But instead, I'd store it up as a means of deflecting accountability, for my own behavior, when someone called me out on similar behavior. My physcologist has told me that this not a constructive way of resolving conflict, so ive been working hard around changing this behavior. So I find myself in confusing situations. , as a result
Was out with wife the other day,and I commented to her about someones appalling behavior. To which she replies " your behavior isnt far from that " Im finding every conversation around conflict, even if it doesn't involve me directly, leads back to me anyway. Is this not the behavior I was being called on. Im finding that my want for -conversations, to be fading. I know I need to take responsiblity for my past, but does this mean I can never be right again? Am I missing something here is there a double standard in this NT logic.

Cheers
Turk

 

[Ereth]

I don't think you "can never be right again." Don't ever believe that.

If your wife is continuously calling you out because she is apparently reminded of your own past habits when you comment on someone else's behavior, you should tell her what your psychologist told you---and probably also try not to make comments about others. It is possible that she is misunderstanding those comments and thinks that they are attacks or something. For whatever reason she feels the need to remind you that you have also acted that way. Maybe she thinks that you're still deflecting accountability.

Whatever you do, though, do not shut down---conversation is the key to all problem solving!

 

[Christy]

Hi Turk,

I've done some conflict resolution training through my work, and there's a couple of things that I've learnt which helps me (even though I am still not good at it at all!).

Just because your behaviour is "not right", does not mean your observation of another's behaviour is any less correct. It's just that when you say it, it looks like you're holding other people to a different standard than you hold yourself, which makes you look bad. In that situation with your wife, you could have acknowledged your transgression, but commented now you see another doing it, you now appreciate how annoying it is. By saying this, you have taken accountability for your behaviour but enforced your right to find the behaviour from another person annoying.

Another way you could have responded would be to say you had not realised you behave that way (or that your behaviour made your wife feel xxx), and you will consider this further. By saying this, you have acknowledged how your wife feels, but bought yourself time to process it and come to your own conclusions.

A key thing I have learnt is about "I" and "you" statements. If you say "you are really annoying", it is very confronting to the other person, but if you say exactly the same thing but turned into an "I" statement, it is less confronting. So, you could say "I find that behaviour really annoying". They cannot argue with how you feel, and being less confronting the other person is more likely to listen.

Instead of saying "You said...", say "I thought you said..." or "I interpreted what you said as...". It gives the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings without being confrontational.

I've still got my training notes somewhere, so if this sort of thing is helpful then I can pull them out and post any other notes that I think may be of assistence.

 

[Turk]

Thanks Ereth and Christy,
Point taken. I probably could of have chosen better words.
Ive been spending a great deal of time talking to my wife, as we both have a tendacy to bottle things up. My past behavior has conditioned her not to say anything until she has reached her tipping point. So in talking with her, and checking in on her mental state, Im attempting to head off potential problems. During these conversations im making every effort to be accountable and take responsibility for my actions, both past and present. She seems very happy with this progression. I find it disappointing, when i make a comment about someone else's poor behavior, that she ties it back to me. She may see similarities in my behaviour, but we're talking openly and often enough, without the need to drop me where I stand, at that moment.
I wouldnt normally make comments about others behavior, but she has commented, that I dont see them, normally. So an effort in observation, is turned into a pointed weapon. This scenario plays out fairly often, and now has me a little guarded in my natural responses, to conversation.
As for explaining to her that these are techniques, that my physcologist, wants me to explore. She doesnt trust my interpretation of his requests.
The problem for me is that I get lost in the whole, how NT emotional states, impact on what Ive learnt. She is a human being, with shifting emotional states, which can change the whole landscape of logic. Bottom line is, when expectations collide with reality, Im down for the count.
It sometimes feels like Im supposed to stand there and cop a beating, so my wife can heal and move forward. She's probably earnt a few free shots, but my self esteem is really taken a hit, of late

Cheers
Turk