Responding to small talk

[ftfipps]

Hello loves

I have seen several posts about difficulties with chit chatting so I know this has been a hot topic of discussion around here many times over. I only have difficulties when I am around people who are destitute financially or, in other words, regular joes, people you would expect to be catching the bus downtown.

Like when I have to wait for the bus downtown or I'm talking to someone at a job like a coworker. They say something glib and expect me to have a certain, predetermined reaction to their plebeian utterance. Of course I give them a scientific synopsis of the subject they are talking about, usually not even aware until later that they were simply riffing, not actually asking me something to get an actual response.

It bothers me to say this but I think they think I am being too nice to them! That's why they single me out. I try to avoid street people like the plague and I think many people would agree with my decision to do so. No one person in my family is glib like that. We are all well educated, well spoken people.

My other Issue is I tend to over think how other people see me. Especially therapists and doctors. I know I have no reason at all to second guess myself but I always leave appointments feeling like a jackass. I said umm on that question, stuff like that! Usually it turns out fine and nothing of the sort was happening, I realize that.

When people do misunderstand me or misinterpret me as a pleb It makes me not want to go back to that place. I have tried reasoning with people who think I'm stupid but no matter how long you try to reason with someone, nothing at all will change their mind about anything. I gave up years ago.

More educated people are much more understanding and malleable in their thinking, I know that. I just need to figure out ways to get around the drudgery of doing common errands in public without being so hyper sensitive. @Judge, someone tell me what I can do to put my mind at ease.

 

[Veruca Salt]

lol wow nice attitude.
you have a neurological disorder, you're not better than 'financially destitute plebs' you obnoxious rude person.
This common attitude of aspies makes us all look bad and it so obviously stems from deep insecurity that its cringe!

For someone supposedly clever your rubbish post is rife with fallacy.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Are you two married?

 

[Gracey]

Do people actually call you stupid and a pleb to your face?

Or is this something you’re guessing?
With little or no evidence?

You mention over thinking how other people see you.
Drop that habit for your own sanity.

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter.
The only label or judgement that counts is the one you give yourself and believe.

 

[Progster]

I only have difficulties when I am around people who are destitute financially or, in other words, regular joes, people you would expect to be catching the bus downtown.

Gross generalization here, that 'financially destitute' people are all going to be 'regular joes' or 'plebs'. People from all walks of life can be financially destitute for a whole range or reasons, and it certainly doesn't mean that they are uneducated, working class (I think that this is what you are getting at) or 'plebs'. I don't have a high income, but I'm well educated and certainly not a pleb!

It bothers me to say this but I think they think I am being too nice to them!

It doesn't hurt to be polite to people, whoever they are. If people are just not your kind of people, give a polite answer and a smile, and move on. You don't have to get involved with them or explain anything to them.

My other Issue is I tend to over think how other people see me.

People are way too busy and self-involved to think much about you. They move on very quickly from any interaction, and don't dwell on it so much, it doesn't really mean much to them.

When people do misunderstand me or misinterpret me as a pleb It makes me not want to go back to that place. I have tried reasoning with people who think I'm stupid but no matter how long you try to reason with someone, nothing at all will change their mind about anything.

How do you know that they think of you as a pleb? Or stupid? Did they say so?

Having communication issues does not make you stupid, or a pleb. Some people may not realise that, but you do.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

You have some kind of one dimensional vision of the world my friend.

You know, thinking error, is one of our problem, when we experience a specific event or interract with someone we think that it will be the same all the time in a similar settings.

This is not, unless you only speak to the same person ofc and even people can change.


For me for instance iv always thought that the more people were educated, the more empty they are , this is like the opposite of what you are saying basically, I have learned that it was depending on other things, its more individual than collective.

 

[Suzanne]

You sound so much like my deceased brother in law! He thought everyone was beneath him and he also had people falling at his feet and even boasting how he "liked" them. (their words).

I was the only who KNEW him. Oh, not at first; he frightened the heck out of me with what came out of his mouth. I would have needed a dictionary each time he spoke lol and yet, my vocab certainly was not short!

I eventually came to see there is a difference between intellectual and intelligence and he was certainly the former, but lacked a heck of a lot in the latter. And thus, was able to meet him half way; not because of feeling intelligent, but because I saw him as an infallible human being at last.

He died alone and in pain!

As for you; why don't you take on a job that you have no respect for and perhaps it will make you see through different eyes what is happening in the world?

My husband is what you hate; he is a gardener; an excellent one, but nevertheless, he would be the one that has to take the "servant's" door and yet, he is so good at what he does, that he has many clients and guess what else? He is almost fluient in French!

 

[tree]

@ftfipps

It looks like you are having trouble with small talk because
you are thinking of yourself as so large. What makes you
so much better than anyone else waiting for a bus?

The inability to relate to other people doesn't make you
pre-eminent. As far as going about the "drudgery of doing
common errands"......what has given you the impression
that you are above tending to mundane tasks that
support your existence?

I am not surprised you feel uncomfortable in the world.
It seems that your expectations don't match reality.

 

[WildCat]

Keep it short with the plebs and avoid lengthy discussions. Hence, "small" talk. I'm one of those plebs as well, working alongside other plebs, and I'm getting by just fine in life.

Should a red carpet be rolled out for you every time you walk down the street? Come on, you've got to learn to give people a break. We are not all the same.

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't understand what you mean by "pleb". Do you mean just average people who work for a living? Or ride public transportation rather than their personal Rolls Royce? It must be an insulting British characterization of people. It is not a word I've heard in the USA and, sadly, we have plenty of insulting, demeaning names for people here.

 

[ftfipps]

lol wow nice attitude.
you have a neurological disorder, you're not better than 'financially destitute plebs' you obnoxious rude person.
This common attitude of aspies makes us all look bad and it so obviously stems from deep insecurity that its cringe!

For someone supposedly clever your rubbish post is rife with fallacy.

Naaaaaaah. I'm not insecure. YOU ma'am, are insecure. There is an army of bedbugs just waiting to give responses just like your generic, "you're a bad boy for saying that" response. I hope you are proud or yourself for coming out of the shadows and giving me such a white knight response.

 

[ftfipps]

Do people actually call you stupid and a pleb to your face?

Or is this something you’re guessing?
With little or no evidence?

You mention over thinking how other people see you.
Drop that habit for your own sanity.

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter.
The only label or judgement that counts is the one you give yourself and believe.

I am starting to realize some of these things you are saying.

 

[ftfipps]

Gross generalization here, that 'financially destitute' people are all going to be 'regular joes' or 'plebs'. People from all walks of life can be financially destitute for a whole range or reasons, and it certainly doesn't mean that they are uneducated, working class (I think that this is what you are getting at) or 'plebs'. I don't have a high income, but I'm well educated and certainly not a pleb!


It doesn't hurt to be polite to people, whoever they are. If people are just not your kind of people, give a polite answer and a smile, and move on. You don't have to get involved with them or explain anything to them.


People are way too busy and self-involved to think much about you. They move on very quickly from any interaction, and don't dwell on it so much, it doesn't really mean much to them.

How do you know that they think of you as a pleb? Or stupid? Did they say so?

Having communication issues does not make you stupid, or a pleb. Some people may not realise that, but you do.

Progster, It's the way I communicate with them. They speak in glib responses and It has no real value. It's almost like they are talking because they think someone(like me) expects them to contribute something. Which is almost sad to me.

I am always polite and I don't consider myself better than anyone else.

 

[ftfipps]

You have some kind of one dimensional vision of the world my friend.

You know, thinking error, is one of our problem, when we experience a specific event or interract with someone we think that it will be the same all the time in a similar settings.

This is not, unless you only speak to the same person ofc and even people can change.


For me for instance iv always thought that the more people were educated, the more empty they are , this is like the opposite of what you are saying basically, I have learned that it was depending on other things, its more individual than collective.

You sound so much like my deceased brother in law! He thought everyone was beneath him and he also had people falling at his feet and even boasting how he "liked" them. (their words).

I was the only who KNEW him. Oh, not at first; he frightened the heck out of me with what came out of his mouth. I would have needed a dictionary each time he spoke lol and yet, my vocab certainly was not short!

I eventually came to see there is a difference between intellectual and intelligence and he was certainly the former, but lacked a heck of a lot in the latter. And thus, was able to meet him half way; not because of feeling intelligent, but because I saw him as an infallible human being at last.

He died alone and in pain!

As for you; why don't you take on a job that you have no respect for and perhaps it will make you see through different eyes what is happening in the world?

My husband is what you hate; he is a gardener; an excellent one, but nevertheless, he would be the one that has to take the "servant's" door and yet, he is so good at what he does, that he has many clients and guess what else? He is almost fluient in French!

I don't think I'm above anyone. I was blowing off steam that day and I was frustrated at how this one redneck was busting my balls at the bus stop. All water under the bridge.

 

[Mary Anne]

Progster,
I am always polite and I don't consider myself better than anyone else.

I HIGHLY DOUBT this...as you have not said one thing here in the thread that is “polite.” You have some real communication deficits.

The “well spoken, well educated” are also “street people” who “ride the bus.” You are missing out on some of the finest, most interesting people on the planet.
People riding buses are not “destitute.” Maybe 1/10 of 1% are, and even they are fascinating human beings, often with more richer lives then people of wealth. You sound like a very unfascinating, snobby, boring person.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I HIGHLY DOUBT this...as you have not said one thing here in the thread that is “polite.” You have some real communication deficits.

The “well spoken, well educated” are also “street people” who “ride the bus.” You are missing out on some of the finest, most interesting people on the planet.
People riding buses are not “destitute.” Maybe 1/10 of 1% are, and even they are fascinating human beings, often with more richer lives then people of wealth. You sound like a very unfascinating, snobby, boring person.

Hey Mary,
Are you mistaking progster for the original poster?

Doesn't sound like any progster I know.

 

[tree]

@Fridgemagnetman
What I see in Post #!5 is
@Mary Anne responding to the
reply that @ftfipps made to @Progster.

Not @MaryAnne replying to @Progster.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

@Fridgemagnetman
What I see in Post #!5 is
@Mary Anne responding to the
reply that @ftfipps made to @Progster.

Not @MaryAnne replying to @Progster.

True. First mistake of the day .

I don't normally leave it this late

 

[Mary Anne]

@Fridgemagnetman
What I see in Post #!5 is
@Mary Anne responding to the
reply that @ftfipps made to @Progster.

Not @MaryAnne replying to @Progster.

THANK YOU!!!!!

 

[2205]

wow, that sounded so familiar. I used to feel like that in my teens and early 20s. I'm 30 now and I'm fortunately over that. In my personal case, I think it's a mixture of being on the spectrum and also upbringing (.

You see, as aspies, we often don't "get" other people and that makes us feel different/in a weaker position. With time, we learn to cope with it by unconsciously saying to ourselves "I don't care, I'm better than them, because I know this, this, and this and they don't" (or something like that), basically "I'm smart, they're stupid". But this just a coping mechanism, a mask we wear to compensate our inability to socialise as well as others.
The other side to this is that with the belief "I'm smart", we put so much pressure on ourselves never to be perceived as stupid.

The second part is upbringing. You mentioned you come from a well-educated family. Me too. People in those families usually don't talk about pointless stuff (this often includes emotions). So we might believe that talking about "pointless" or "stupid" things is forbidden/not accepted. That makes us more aware about ourselves too, about what we say, how we say it and in general, how are we perceived by others.

When I realised that pattern in myself, I made a conscious effort and learned about the human behaviours. I wanted to figure out why people speak when in reality, they have "nothing" to say, in other words "small talk" and . And I think that this actually has a point. This is how people communicate. It's not about the information they say, it's about just interaction between 2 people. I like to compare this with dogs behaviour. When 2 dogs meet, you can see they're obviously communicating with each other (wagging tail, sniffing, playing), but it's not that they say something to each other. It's just the way of interacting, getting a reaction out of the other. Same with humans. They use words (instead of biting and sniffing), but words in those situations are used just to get an emotional reaction from another human. Not to share or receive intellectual information.

This at least how I see this whole thing. But the most important lesson I've learned is that I'm not better that those "regular joes". It's just my belief, a learnt way of coping with the feeling of not being socially good enough. Yes, I am smarter than many people in many aspects, but there are other dimension where those other people are "better" than me. And that's totally okay. People are different and in the grand scale, everything in this universe is in perfect balance.