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Featured Rejection is killing me

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Feldwebel Knispel, Jul 4, 2017.

  1. Feldwebel Knispel

    Feldwebel Knispel Active Member

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    So I'm 19 and I've never really been in a relationship before. That's not to say that I haven't tried. It seems like all the girls I like never end up liking me no matter what I do and this is hurting my confidence and just my general emotional wellness. I'm frustrated with getting turned down all the time. I've also dealt with really bad self-esteem issues which I am just now starting to get over but constantly being shot down is not helping.

    I tried reading PUA stuff and that didn't work so I just stopped doing that so I went to my father and he suggested to just start off by saying "Hi" but the girls don't even like that. I'll either get a weird look or no response or both. I've been told not to seek it out and let it come, but I can't help. When I want something, I normally try harder to get it. I'm so freaking tired of this. It has gotten to the point where I've become somewhat of a defeatist and just expect to get turned down because it has happened to me so much.
     
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  2. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

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    I can't say I've ever been in a relationship, but I am a woman so my dating tips may not be as helpful, and telling you that perhaps you haven't found the right girl yet is basically useless... Have you tried online dating yet? Or tried finding a relationship through a group, like boxing or something? If you can find a girl who shares some of your interests and isn't a total airhead it will help with the conversation side of things. Approach conversation as something you have to work at, it's really not very easy to flirt regardless of gender...
     
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  3. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

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    As for dealing with rejection, I suppose there's no easy way to handle that. Sometimes I am glad I'm not a guy. ;)
     
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  4. Feldwebel Knispel

    Feldwebel Knispel Active Member

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    I've tried online dating, that has not gone very well either...
     
  5. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

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    Well, all I can say is don't get too down. From what I've heard it can be extremely difficult to find the right girl these days, no one wants to settle down or have a stable relationship anymore! And some women just refuse to look past exteriors. I'm sure everyone who has rejected you is not necessarily trying to bring you down, dating's just difficult.
     
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  6. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Timing is everything. At your age, the girls are looking at older guys and their face is probably buried in their phone so you saying hi is an interruption to their bubble, hence a scowl.

    Start by working on yourself, find things that you enjoy doing and do pursue them. People will start to notice who you are as you become more and more comfortable with who you are, and yes it will come towards you.

    If you are trying, then you will be noticed as trying and that is not really attractive.

    Dating sites are 10x more guys than gals, a mass consumption of time and thought with little return.
     
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  7. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

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    Better than my advice, couldn't agree more. Teen & young adult girls do like older men, so the best way to get them to like you is by trying not to get them, but at trying hard in what you love doing (being good at a hobby or having at interest is super hot). Yes, a confidant man who knows what he's doing is pretty smexy (I can say that, I'm 17)
     
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  8. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Those are true words for any age.
     
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  9. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    Welcome to the club. I'm 10 years older and never been in a relationship. The other posts offer good advice, I'd say. You are still super young and way ahead of many of us in terms of knowing of their ASD. I gradually learned about my ASD and probably knew with certainty I had it when I was around 26. I guess this knowledge has not helped me in relationships so far, but it certainly can't hurt. Good luck, and don't be to hard on yourself if it takes some time. Maybe try reading a book regarding this. I should probably take my own advice.
     
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  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    For me the social institution of dating was simply too much. Too contrived, with too many expectations. Too much pressure where I couldn't possibly be myself.

    But this limitation didn't keep me from reaching out and making real friends of the opposite sex. And on occasion such friendships blossomed into something more.

    I've lived this way my entire adult life. It's all I know and all I could ever really handle socially. It's just sad to realize that for all the relationships I had with Neurotypical women at the time, neither they or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism. So I had no sense of self-awareness to deal with such "mixed relationships".
     
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  11. Sabrina

    Sabrina Gentle & brave earthling

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    Try having a private conversation with a girl your age here in
    AspiesCentral. Baby steps ;)
     
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  12. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    The type of guy I was always attracted to, never recipricated it; in fact, I suspected what type they went for and I was most certainly not on that radar.

    I had ( still have) such a low opinion of myself, that when a guy did show interest, I was convinced that he must be blind and believed none of the compliments I got.

    I was 21 and was confronted by a guy who was quite frankly my dream. Tall, dark and very, very handsome and my heart dropped. Little did I know that in fact, he was taken with me.

    We married 6 month's later and have been together this year for 26 years.

    So, my advice to you, is stop looking and start liking your own company and honing your skills etc and soon enough, you will have girls flocking to date you lol
     
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  13. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh. o_O
    So "PUA" means "Pick Up Artist."
    Seduction community - Wikipedia

    I didn't know.

    That sort of communication technique does sound really
    fake, creepy, and manipulative.

    Good choice, giving it up.
     
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  14. Tyrantus1212

    Tyrantus1212 An odd dinosaur. Yet a dinosaur.

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    I'm almost 30 and I've never been in a relationship before; never even gone on a date before. I never tried, and was never interested in dating until maybe recently. I did have crushes on some women but I never asked any of them out. Right now my father wants to introduce me to a woman because he's tired of seeing me alone all the time. I'm willing to give it a shot, I do want to go on that first date someday before I turn 40...but I would never rush into any relationships and I am most certainly against arranged marriages.

    I haven't tried online dating because I was always afraid of the risks - like what if there' some creep out there posing as The One? As for meeting women in person...I don't go out much, hardly ever. If I do, it's usually with my parents to tag along as they go run their errands. Are you a member of any local groups with people who share your interests? That could be a potential setting where you could find a woman, but please keep in mind not to try too hard. I tried too hard to make friends, just plain friends - and ended up being more alone than ever before. I always try very hard to get what I want and it often leads me deeper into the rut.

    After I told my therapist about my future encounter with the woman my father mentioned, he suggested that I read a book about what an Aspie man should do when in a relationship with an NT woman; I bought it through Amazon and am reading it now, albeit slowly and underlining the key aspects. The book is called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships" by Maxine Aston - and it's got quite a few helpful pointers, some of which could apply to non-romantic relationships as well. I've never dated before so I have no idea how to act even on a first date...I might need to find some additional material as well - but give this one a try, see if it helps!
     
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  15. Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

    Hopeless_Aspie_Guy Well-Known Member

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    19 is a young age to be worrying too much as you're still really only just starting to pull away from the kiddie years of your life and for an aspie guy this is nothing to worry about. Oh and is that you in your profile pic :D?

    Mums and dads are the worst to consult for advice, siblings are a bit better. What you really want is an NT friend or someone who's been out with a few women and find out from them some of their rejection stories (what did she say, how did they feel, how did they deal with it). It helps to know indepth how other have delay with this likely thing. Opportunities may come your way, but such is the way of the world you'll have to make the first move typically with any woman (don't ask me why, I hate that this is the case).
     
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  16. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    I can relate to this. At 19 I was never even close to having gone on a date and was very down about it. Now at 31 years old I recently got out of a bad 8 year relationshit a while back. I have mustered a confidence despite being horribly inept in the romantic department. I think of it this way. Imagine you went to a machine gun range and had to fire at targets using a gun that had no barrel. You would be lucky if you hit a damn thing at all, but wouldn't it still be fun to be firing off that gun?

    You need to be like one of those clown toys that you punch over and it always rights back up again. This would have been too much to ask of me at 19, but at 31 it's doable. Another thing is that I've for the most part written off the idea of getting in a relationship again and therefore I think I can say I genuinely don't care what the woman's reaction is.
     
  17. Thursday

    Thursday Dabbling in Life

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    Great advice on here already. I'd like to add that a good sense of humor is very attractive. I'm not referring to knock-knock jokes or what, but the kind of humor you enjoy.

    With my husband and I, we keep our mouths shut when other people are around, but in private, we talk with a bit of satire mixed into the conversation. It was like that even when we were just friends, and that's one of the reasons I enjoy his company.

    So while you're doing what you're good at (I agree, a guy who knows how to do something well is very attractive), try learning more about the type of humor you go for. Maybe when you meet "the one" she'll love you for it too.
     
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  18. Ambi

    Ambi Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps you can get involved in groups/communities that are naturally aligned with your interests - I think there is a much higher chance of meeting a quality relationships through communities. I realize this is an Aspergers forum, and we aren't all so keen on communities, but this was key to my finding a good and lasting match. Of course not every possible connection will work out, but I do think it can increases your chances. I'm not sure what kind of groups you would like - I don't think necessarily things like "meetup" or even those outdoorsy hiking groups, because those groups can be large enough, or varied enough with different people showing up at different times, that I think it takes a good bit of charm and charisma to land a date - people show up to do the activity and are less invested in actual community. But, for example, if there was a gaming community or anime club (just examples, your interests may be different), that might be more stable. Of course, don't be obvious about girl-hunting - get to know members of both sexes, and those people will also know other people. You said, that you "can't help it" when you want something you have to go after it. You will have to learn to "help it" a little, otherwise you'll just keep shooting yourself in the foot. Don't be obvious about your interest in girls - give them a chance to decide if they are interested in you first. Otherwise the girl can feel chased or suffocated - she may choose to create distance even before giving you a chance. And if girls look at you weird when you say "hi" - that's because often times they can tell when you are interested in them or trying to get to know them for the possibility of dating - some are flattered, others just want to get out of that situation because they are uncomfortable.
     
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  19. JamesBon92007

    JamesBon92007 Well-Known Member

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    That's a tough one. The first thing I'd like to say is be careful what you wish for. When I was 23 I got involved with an older woman (she was 30). She was incredibly beautiful and the kind of woman all men wanted. I didn't know what she wanted from me until it was all over. I fell deeply in love with her and thought I could not live without her, knowing that we were not right for each other. She ended up tearing my heart out. If I had to do it over again I probably would. So, I guess the moral of the story is to watch out for older women.

    I am now 64 and got divorced seven years ago. I tried online dating. I met lots of nice women but none that were the "right" one. I think I could probably meet a couple of thousand women and perhaps be truly attracted to one. I was getting fed up with the whole online dating thing. Meanwhile, I was constantly thinking about women and it was a bit dangerous because I worked with equipment that could easily separate parts of my body from me. I decided to give up on the online dating, but about the same time I decided to do something I'd never done before. I prayed to God to find me a woman. Now, please understand that I had never prayed before in my life (at least not sincerely) and used to be about as religious as a rock until I had a couple of experiences that convinced me that God really does exist. Before that I assumed the He didn't. Anyway, about 10 days later I met my girlfriend. She is the right one! She is NT and we have our difficulties but we love each other and are willing to put in the effort required to make it work. All I can say is that praying worked for me. But I think God has some kind of plans for me so I can't say if it would work for anyone else. I also can't believe I'm writing this. I have never written about God before.

    You have received a LOT of good advice here. I strongly agree with the concept of making friends with women. Plus I think it is very important, as has been suggested, that you pursue your interests and develop them. I believe that women are attracted to men who are good at what they do. You have Asperger's so it's very likely you are exceptional at some things. Work on being the best you can at something and the women just might be chasing you!

    One of the funny parts about my relationship is that both my NT girlfriend and I prefer to live alone but live together because we love each other. We also both would rather have no relationship than be in a bad one. Oh , and watch out for matchmakers! They will try to set you up, probably with the wrong woman.
     
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  20. OlLiE

    OlLiE Well-Known Member

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    I don't think that you can 'do' anything. Regrettably, people are't really puzzles, if they were and you could 'solve' them than in essence you've manipulated them by pushing their buttons, that relationship would be an illusion and would most likely wear you out and be unsustainable. Personally, i would think that you would be better off focussing on your interests and the environments where there can be contact relating to those interests. At least you would already have a shared interest to talk about. A relationship in se can never be the goal, it has to be finding someone who shares values, interests and with whom there can be an exchange.
     
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