Recently Diagnosed Aspie Husband

[Suzy-Q]

Hello,
My husband has recently been diagnosed as having Asperger’s syndrome and this diagnosis has shed a lot of light upon the issues we have faced throughout the 4 years we have been together. I am looking for a support group or advice to help me support my husband.

After the initial relief of knowing there was a reason for his behaviour, he is now quite down, especially as he is replaying the negative affects he has had on people through this life. We are solid but I feel that I need support for myself and to know how to help him.

Thank you in advance for any helpful replies.

 

[tree]

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi Suzy. There's plenty of decent people on here including quite a few AS guys who are husbands to NT wives, including myself. If he's recently been diagnosed it's not unusual for him to be reviewing his past mistakes or indiscretions, but it's not healthy to dwell on it for too long. When you get to understand AS a bit deeper, you may find that many of the qualities you (and he) like about him are as much to do with his AS as those he may be less happy about. He's a bit different is all - he just knows WHY he's different now.

 

[Judge]

After the initial relief of knowing there was a reason for his behaviour, he is now quite down, especially as he is replaying the negative affects he has had on people through this life.

For what it's worth, I think many of us do that. I know I do. Painful at times, but part of the process of self-awareness. That you can't expect to successfully proceed into the future without understanding one's social failures of the past.

 

[Skids]

I'm a 41 year old man diagnosed about a year and a half ago with HFA and i'm similar. I have had lifelong problems due to my HFA which obviously i didn't know i had at the time and i've been with a NT partner for about 18 years. She didn't even know! lol

Basically the main issues i have with my HFA is conflict with other people and disinterest with other people. My advice would be to give your husband space to work things out on his own and to not pressure him into doing things he doesn't want to do. The main problems my partner and I have had are around social apsects. For example she might get invited to works social events or things at Christmas and i have absolutely no interest plus the anxiety i get from being forced into being social against my will is horrendous.

That said, you must ensure that he doesn't take advantage of you and ensure that he is fair with you. There are times when i have to do things that i really hate doing but i'll do them if i feel i can manage such as taking my kid to parties if my partner is at work etc but just respect that he may want time to himself frequently. It's all about opening up and communicating and compromising.

I have caused many negative things to happen to others during my life but most people have so he's not alone. If he can make things up and rectify them now then he great, if he can't then he's not to worry about it. The past cannot be changed.

I think it's important to understand that a lot of what hfa men do can be seen as selfish but i can assure you that it's far from it. A lot of us are very sensitive and perhaps a lot more aware of how our thinking and impacts of our autism can affect those closest to us.

 

[Myway]

Hello and welcome to AutismForums. I hope you enjoy it here.

 

[BraidedPony]

If he doesn't like something, for example T.V. news where everyone is arguing and yelling, don't turn up the volume because you think he will just get used to it.
I’m using this as an example of what my soon to be ex husband would do.
You wouldn’t do this but just saying, if you do things on purpose that increase his anxiety thus lowering his self esteem, then he will lose trust in you. So don’t do that.
If you are confused about something he is doing or not doing, just ask him! If we Aspies know the answer we will tell you because we love to make ourselves understood!

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @Suzy-Q .

If he is gifted, too, learn about that, as well. If you can't read about gifted adults, at least about gifted children, SENG [Serving the Emotional Needs of the Gifted], etc.

Many Aspies are both. There is a lot of overlap between both neuro-diverse conditions. (If he isn't, don't worry about it.)

If you are in the USA, I can recommend two organizations for resources and provider references,

• The Autism Society of America (and its local affiliates)
• The U.S. Autism & Aspergers Association

 

[Major Tom]

Hi, welcome. I am in a similar situation only vice a versa. I have HFA and my wife is NT. We have a son who is autistic as well. Hope you learn what you need to, and that you enjoy it here.

 

[George Newman]

Hello,
My husband has recently been diagnosed as having Asperger’s syndrome and this diagnosis has shed a lot of light upon the issues we have faced throughout the 4 years we have been together. I am looking for a support group or advice to help me support my husband.

After the initial relief of knowing there was a reason for his behaviour, he is now quite down, especially as he is replaying the negative affects he has had on people through this life. We are solid but I feel that I need support for myself and to know how to help him.

Thank you in advance for any helpful replies.

Hi Suzy-Q. Welcome to the forum. Your post gives me hope. I found myself trying to dry my tears as I worked thru your words over and over and over again. Find a therapist that understands autism spectrum disorder who can get you two talking in a deep and transparent way. It is going to be monumentally difficult for him to do but you must find ways to really understand each other reflexively. I’d also say really find out about HFA. Learn it until your understanding is reflexive as it relates to him. He needs to learn NT traits so he recognizes and manages himself reflexively as he relates to you. This will take some time. Given where my wife and I ended up, I am standing here screaming and yelling support at the top of my lungs. Thank you, Suzy-Q.

 

[Pats]

If he doesn't like something, for example T.V. news where everyone is arguing and yelling, don't turn up the volume because you think he will just get used to it.
I’m using this as an example of what my soon to be ex husband would do.
You wouldn’t do this but just saying, if you do things on purpose that increase his anxiety thus lowering his self esteem, then he will lose trust in you. So don’t do that.
If you are confused about something he is doing or not doing, just ask him! If we Aspies know the answer we will tell you because we love to make ourselves understood!

You said this perfectly. Some things can feel like torture and if it's done repeatedly, feels deliberate.

 

[Pats]

I remind my daughter in law that when she is telling my son that she needs more attention in a criticizing manner, he's going to feel a threat and shut down, which is why she doesn't get a response from him at the time. I also explained that he's not going to really understand her emotional needs and if she needs more time she needs to just say they need to agree on thirty minutes a day to just sit and talk or something together. Her needing more time and attention from him is her biggest difficulty and I can understand that. He works sometimes early morning to late night so when he's not working he's looking for his recuperation time.

 

[Suzy-Q]

Hey,
Thanks for that message. I have spend a very troublesome 4 years with my husband and now things have settled down with this diagnosis. I really think he would benefit from speaking with other HFAs to find out how they cope and what challenges others face too. He has contacted a councillor and I am hoping that he will be able to come to terms with his new Aspie status and not only focus if the negatives but also the positives which there are plenty of. All practical and not emotional of course.
Thanks again for your message.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Suzy

 

[Suzy-Q]

Thank you for all your words of support, advice and encouragement. I never get my husband to do things he doesn’t want to do as he has always had a very forthright attitude about what he will do. Obvs until the diagnosis I just thought he was stubborn and self centred but now I know that isn’t the case.
He calls himself an ‘Aspie Wanker’ and tries to laugh certain behaviours off. We have been learning together which behaviour are AS and to be honest there are loads. I think he might be getting overloaded with the daily scrutinising of himself. It is the main topic of our conversation. I need to learn not to point out what behaviour is different, even in a caring gentle way, as he can get down and think that he is a complete failure. I disliked him quite a lot until this diagnosis as his actions and lack of any affection were hard to bear, but now we are on a different path. He says that I am amazing with him and now sees that he couldn’t do without me. It’s very nice to be needed. What is reassuring for me and I’m sure my husband if he were to read them, are the statements from HFAs which all sing from the same song sheet. Today I have emailed a counsellor we used to see on the numerous occasions we struggled to live harmoniously. I am hoping she will be able to point us. Org in the right direction for support. I would love to go to meetings. I am in the UK. Thanks!

 

[Tom]

HF Autism means a tendency towards certain thinking patterns & behaviors. (Btw, most HFAs do not have all the symptoms listed as possible). It doesn't change the basic dynamics of humanity and working issues out in reasonable logical fashion. Approach it together with love and respect and you will be on good footing.

 

[Skids]

Tom is spot on.

Also the issue of lack of affection gets brought up a lot with regards to men with HFA. I am the opposite. My partner is NT and she is not very affectionate at all. We've been together 18 years and have a 9 year old child and so you can kind of understand that couples in that situation get into a predictable rut of non affection but what annoys me is that it is always me who seems to be aware of this and make the effort, albeit infrequently. Therefore it is me who seems more aware of problems in our relationship and me who is at least attempting little things to try and improve.

It is me who feels rejected and alone but i have made a commitment and if talking cannot rectify this to any satisfactory level then i just have to accept this.

Also it is me who gives the most reassurance and tactile support when our daughter is upset and i am always affectionate as i am aware that this emotional bond which doesn't necessarily come naturally to me is a natural and important nurturing part of a developing childs life.

Just some comments from me there but Tom's advice is valid. Work through things together and talk about things without just assuming that he's not affectionate. It may be that he's not and that's how he is or it may be that he wants to be but is embarrassed or doesn't like talking openly about feelings.

 

[TempeFan]

Suzy-Q, you got it:

We have been learning together which behaviour are AS and to be honest there are loads. I think he might be getting overloaded with the daily scrutinising of himself. It is the main topic of our conversation. I need to learn not to point out what behaviour is different, even in a caring gentle way, as he can get down and think that he is a complete failure.

Learning together and understanding how the other person thinks and feels is what marriage is all about, no matter what type of unexpected, undeserved challenges are thrust between you. It's quite a journey but once you put it in perspective, it can be a lot of fun. Since my husband is the spouse of a newly diagnosised Aspy, I asked him what you should do first. He said "Pour yourself a frosty mug of GV diet cream soda" and a list of other things which condense to making sure you fortify yourself with whatever relaxes you from your favorite beverage to a satisfying hobby. Take care of yourself and don't dwell, obsess, freak out or otherwise up your stress level pouring too much time and energy into dealing with this one subject. My husband bought me a Tshirt that says "I'm not rude, I have Aspergers. What's your excuse?" The other day I went all Aspy on him over this trivial little thing. He gave me some space and we had a good laugh about it later. It went like this: For years I have been mixing Cran-grape AND Cran-cherry in a big jug and drinking a glass twice a day. He pours it in the mornings. That morning he asked if I wanted Cran-grape OR Cran-cherry. The question didn't make any sense to me and all I could do was stare at him. My brain could not process the multiple choice question where the answer was not one of the choices. The answer was both, of course, but what really threw me was why he broke pattern by asking which one I wanted instead of giving me both mixed together like usual.

From an Aspy's point of view: At first, it was a big relief to find out WHY all the bad stuff in my past had happened. After the big AHHA! moment, then the grief set in. My entire life had been taken away - cancelled out - wasted on doing the right thing which turned out to be the wrong thing. If only I had known! Everyone grieves in their own way and you just got to hang in there. An Asperger's diagnosis can be overwhelming, more so than blindness or deafness or losing a limb, as it's not just a body part that is lost. It's your entire self, your whole identity. Technically, everything is the same as before the label was applied and yet everything is just the opposite of what you thought is was. You are a totally different person than you have known all your life. It's like waking up in a strange new world where you are the alien life form and your entire life was just a nightmare fantasy. I worked so hard all those years, always being honest and decent and kind, etc. always doing the right thing. Then to find out everybody hated and abandoned me because I strived to be a great person instead of a normal mediocre generic acceptable person. If I had known why I was being excluded when I was little, I might have been able to learn to mimic socially acceptable behaviour or recognize and avoid no win situations. Instead I succeeded in following all the rules but always failed because I'd been given the wrong set of rules. This late in life, one doesn't get a redo.

The upside to being permanently shut out of my career and family is that I don't have to deal with the people who never wanted or cared about me in the first place. Instead of struggling to be accepted by people who weren't willing to get to know me or let me contribute what I am good at be who i am, I can spend what's left of my time doing things I enjoy with a better class of people.