Recent break-up with Aspie, looking for advice?

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Monolith you aren't being rude at all. I really appreciate your response. The thing is, he was the one constantly reaching out to me! He was the one constantly texting me, constantly emailing me, and constantly wanting to talk! The last month or so i did perhaps feel a shift however but I thought it was because we were arguing.

I actually do not need a lot of social interaction but you are probably right that I need emotional validation. He often said he worried he could not give that to me. However, I wanted to work on figuring out a way that we could work together instead of throwing up our hands and walking away. I felt there are so many ways we did work well together - more ways than I've worked better than anyone and so many ways we made each other happy.

Is there any way, months down the road, I could convince him to give me another chance?

 

[MrSpock]

Is there any way, months down the road, I could convince him to give me another chance?

If there is a chance I'd say that you'd best increase the chance by waiting silently.

I suspect that I also need more interaction and validation from a partner than do most people, yet I am on the spectrum. I'm not sure about my ability to provide this for others.

I have the intent to provide that for others, however I often have difficulty with communication in these matters. It seems to me that what is important with validation is the intent, if the other person can be reassured of the intent then the form it takes is not so important... but please correct me if I'm wrong. Given that you each want to give that validation to the degree that the other finds necessary all you need to do is to learn to communicate better.

It's possible that he will not be willing to give you this at times, e.g. during his current project. From what I've read it's possible that you would be okay with his lack of communication at the moment if only you were reassured of his intent to pick up where you left off before the project. I doubt that you will be able to receive this reassurance during this project, however for future projects you may be able to establish an understanding that would allow you the necessary assurance.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Spock you are right. It's the unknown that gets to me.

I have to remain silent. This time I have no choice. I am glad that he said, a few times, he would reach out when he is done, but it is so disheartening that he said with conviction that he hopes we can be friends but we will not date again (not that he doesn't see us dating again - but we will not. He is the most stubborn man so I feel like when he makes up his mind there is no turning back and I feel like this is what happened between him and his ex).

He also said I'll reach out and we can get a cup of coffee or something - a cup of coffee is so "eh." You get a drink with someone (he's a huge drinker.) you get coffee with former teachers and your parents friends.

I am just sad.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Hi all. I'm not doing too well, I am very sad and miss him. I've received three very nice private messages on here, two from NT women who related to my situation (one, the situation mirrored mine so much), and one from an Aspie male who said he was in a similar situation with a NT. They all made me feel better, but I am still not doing so great since our talk on Sunday (just five days ago). I still can't wrap my head around how someone could seem almost... reliant (is that mean?) on me and all of a sudden seem like they hate me or like I'm causing them pain. If he had only said don't worry, I'll get back in touch on August 1st or September 1st and everything will be exactly the way it was and all will be fine, don't worry about a thing, I would be okay. But the thought of never speaking to him again and things never being the way they were is eating me up inside.

He is just such a special person. and we're so compatible in so many ways.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Hi all. This is the only place I seem to be able to get real, solid advice for my situation regarding my aspie, so I wanted to update this thread bout what's been going on the past few weeks, and see if there is any new advice or encouragement from you all.

The last time my aspie and I spoke was May 21st (the conversation is above), about how he would reach out to me after his work project was complete, but he also added maybe someday we could be friends, but we could never be as close as we were or in a relationship again. He reiterated multiple times that he would reach out to me when he was done, and said thank you for understanding (I was trying to remain calm even though I didnt agree with the majority of what he was saying and even felt he was rewriting some things in his mind, albeit I felt I have made a lot of mistakes). He really didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me at all.

On Saturday (so almost exactly 3 weeks after we spoke), I sent him a text saying "Hey I saw this film, TKTKT this week that reminded me of you a lot. I hope everything is going well with work and coming together. Talk to you later." (he loves movies, and the topic of the movie is faintly similar to his work project - it was something we would have gone to see together).

He didn't respond, but I didn't send another text. I had not planned to attempt to reach out to much longer but I was at a wedding and feeling sappy and heartbroken.

I can't help but feel what a bad sign this is that he couldn't even respond to this text. If I wait even longer, and I try again, is there any point?

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

Sorry for your pain. I don't believe there is a point of reaching out to him again right now because he did say he would reach out to you when he was ready. If he hasn't responded, I assume he is not ready. Sadly and I totally realize how difficult this is (more than you will ever know) I believe you need to let him be for now. If you haven't heard in a month or so, perhaps try again but I believe he has made it clear to you. It would be best if you could keep going and date others and let this go. It is hard when one person is ready and the other isn't. The timing is just not right. I am not suggesting this is an easy thing, and it has to be on your schedule , however it sounds like it might be b'sest for you.

I am in a similar situation with my Aspie boyfriend. In my case I love him for his whit, his intelligence and the banter we have back and forth by text message. He has the ability to make me giggle hysterically and when we are together it is electric and fun filled. Yesterday we were having a lovely text dialogue and discussing our deep inner feelings.
It was great and the dialogue was exceptional. Then right out of the blue he disappeared and likely went to his Mom's for the day. No goodbye, no sorry I am running out the door....there was nothing at all. I haven't heard from him since. I have decided that now I will not contact him by phone or by email. This can be a typical thing he does. He is finished the conversation and he just shuts it down.

So for me...I am not contacting him at all. He can wonder what happened to me. I will not be seeing him again for a long time if at all.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Aspiegirlfriend thank you for your reply. I am so sorry that happens to you, I remember how similar situations used to happen to me.

I didn't plan on reaching out again now, but thought maybe in two months? I'm just so scared when I try in two months, he just still won't want to talk to me. I'm scared he never will, and I wish there was something I could do to guarantee it, or soften all of this.

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

Aspiegirlfriend thank you for your reply. I am so sorry that happens to you, I remember how similar situations used to happen to me.

I didn't plan on reaching out again now, but thought maybe in two months? I'm just so scared when I try in two months, he just still won't want to talk to me. I'm scared he never will, and I wish there was something I could do to guarantee it, or soften all of this.

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

If you have the courage to wait for 2 months that would be great. I feel your pain.
It's hard for us and I believe even harder for them. It's tough all the way around...and yet
my boyfriend has brought me so much joy too. It's just that they are so unpredictable and we are looking for a base line so we can focus. It creates so much chaos.

 

[MonolithImmortal]

Look, move on with your life. Clearly this is not going to be a workable relationship for you. You want to guarantee he'll be receptive to you, but you can't guarantee human behavior without some form of manipulation. It just doesn't work.

You guys are only going to be toxic to each other. Clearly his behavior has had a negative effect on you, or else you wouldn't be so hurt and uncertain about things. And like it or not you've had a negative effect on him, and it seems that you're unwilling to even validate his feelings by saying things like "I feel like he's rewriting all this in his head." You may not understand why he experienced something the way he did, but you don't get to say that he didn't.

And just to nitpick here, language like "my aspie" really disturbs me. He's not "your aspie" because one, you aren't a couple anymore and you don't lay any claim to him, and two, using language like "my aspie" is dehumanizing because you're describing another person like an object. You wouldn't describe a NT ex as "my Neurotypical", so why is he "your aspie"?

That said, I am genuinely sorry that this has been such a negative experience for you and that you're left hurting. Having a relationship go sour is painful and it sucks, especially when it seems so mysterious as to why. Rejection hurts. It's ok to hurt. It's not really advisable to latch onto the person rejecting you and trying to reattach though, because it will only lead to further rejection and pain.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

First, Monolith, I'm so sorry if what I said came off as offensive. I just stated it that way as it seemed clearer because I didn't want to state his name. I didn't mean for it to be dehumanizing or anything like that - simply descriptive, like my boyfriend; my love interest, etc. I'm really sorry.

I know we aren't together, but in a way he still feels like a part of me though.

You are totally right about not being able to guarantee human behavior. That's one of my worst traits. The fear of the unknown, and I just want someone to tell me, hey it's going to be okay. If he said I'm busy for the next few months but I'll be back and things will be okay, I'd be like ok great because there would be no unknown.

The only reason I said I feel like he's rewriting it all in his head isn't because I don't think there are a lot of mistakes I made. I did -- I sit around playing over and over again all the things I did wrong, and all the things I wish I could do, and what I would do differently, even if I just get the chance to be friends with him again (at this moment in time, I just want to be friends with him really... I miss my friend). I use the term rewriting because when he described to me what we had between us, it sounded awful, and he took out all the good things, and he was saying things I knew weren't true. I mean, I had written evidence they weren't true. he rewrote it to erase all the good between us and to only remember the bad things. i don't know why he did that. there was more good than bad.

i just dont want someone i was so close to to be entirely out of my life. it hurts not having him want to talk to me at all.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Maybe the more practical way for me to approach this is: Here is my backstory and what I've attempted so far. If someone who you felt had hurt you and therefore you no longer had positive feelings for attempted to reach out, but what could they do to change your mind about being friendly with them again/initiating contact again, or what do you think the best way would be to go about it, considering all the information I've given?

 

[Grandmother B]

I would

Maybe I should also add the only other two texts he sent (amongst the litany of mine, which were not mean but sort of pleading for him go just talk to me and not end things on a bad note - I stopped trying the next afternoon).

He said: "for the foreseeable future, I need space" and "don't hate you. Maybe friends someday, just not right now."

I would leave him alone. This relationship is not going anywhere. I know it is hard and it hurts; but you will be better off in the long run. I don't think being friends is what you want, so the promise of being friends "someday" is just a way to try not to hurt your feelings. I don't feel like he is ending it on a bad note. He has tried to be nice. So try to find a way to be happy with yourself and maybe eventually find someone else to date. I wish you all the best!

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

hes not really the type of person who just does things or says things not to hurt peoples feelings. he bever has been.

ive spent 5 weeks in therapy, dating other people, etc. i dont want him not in my life, and while i appreciate your opinion, im wondering if anyone has any advice on what to do in regards to something that would benefit me positively in getting this on a better or positive path, or a story i could relate to (move on and never speak to him again is not what im looking for).

 

[Keigan]

@HelpNeededinNYC ,

It pains to read this thread for yourself and for others who are having challenges connecting. I've helped others on this board through a PM comversation, sometimes it helps to focus the thinking and calm the implied thoughts.

I'll send you some of my thoughts and a few examples - if anyone else wants my thoughts feel free to reach out. I've been mulling over so,e,of these stories and thoughts for a blog article, maybe this weekend.

I'm going to agree with others in the thread, potentially things have deteriated to the point where being friends could be too much for both sides. When an aspie male is done with someone, there is very little chance of of the other person changing his thoughts. I say that because now every word spoken towards him is a reminder of the mistakes, of the failure towards himself and the relationship and the other person. Now his aspie brain is spinning in circles on all the challenges, once that starts there is little hope to alter the thinking except absolute distraction, his work.

Best of luck healing on this, K

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

keigan what you said exactly what ive always been scared of... theres nothing i can

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

You are dating other people? You are hoping to bounce back to him at some stage? How do your dates feel about this, or do they not know? Are they therapy? Sounds REALLY messed up.

 

[Thursday]

Hi there @HelpNeededinNYC

When it comes to issues like these, to an aspie, good intentions and politeness don't necessarily have the same weight as it would to an NT. I'm going to echo the same sentiments here that you probably burned him out.

Although sending one e-mail or just two lines seems like a reasonable amount of communication to you, any form of communication is just too much, especially if an aspie says to have none at all; it does not matter much if it was "nicely worded" (by your standards...he may have detected your desire to talk to him and felt pressured which is still triggering).

While you still crave his presence in your life -- to NTs, this may mean that he's around, ready to talk occasionally -- he's unlikely to be able to handle that.

I am on the spectrum. I once dated an NT guy for close to three years before we broke up. He was my first boyfriend, so though they tired me, I followed his example on most things. When he set it so we saw each other every weekend and talked every night on the phone, I did those because I thought that's how relationships went.

Well one of the reasons we broke up was that he said he couldn't handle the routine, asking why I never set my own. I accepted this and packed all his stuff (amassed a lot during those three years) and gave it back to him on the same day.

I did not initiate even the simplest of communications. Not even to say "hi". Years later, before I met my husband, my ex contacted me and wanted to be friends, saying he was hurt I didn't try to chase after him. He felt like he did all the chasing. I gave it my best shot for a few weeks, then decided I didn't like how our interactions drained me. There was no point because not being a relationship meant I did not have to stress myself out. That energy could be put to better use for projects, or, eventually, to the person I'll be married to.

Basically, my ex and I were once engaged, yet I don't feel the need to have him in my life and don't. I don't harbor ill will towards him, but the logic of just having someone around doesn't appeal to me personally.

Do you see how an aspie might be different to an NT? It's not because we don't care...simply, it's terribly difficult for us to relate to the great majority of people because very few know how to listen and say things literally.

NTs seem to value the spontaneity that comes along with grand gestures so reducing communication to a line seems like a big sacrifice already...to your ex, it was still difficult to handle.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Have just read this thread. What strikes me is that you are still not listening to either your "bf" or the posters here and are still determined to push for communication when your bf has requested to be left alone and have no communication. You say you realize what you did to contribute to this situation you are in but I don't see evidence of that or you wouldn't be contemplating the next time it would be ok to contact him. I think you are driving him away. You need to become more secure in yourself if you want to be in a relationship with an Aspie because they may not give you the constant validation you seem to need. If I sound a bit blunt and harsh it's because you don't seem to "get" what others have been trying so nicely to tell you. If you can't get them, how are you ever going to get him?

 

[paloftoon]

I don't know what happened when you two were arguing, but when he said he needed 3 weeks of space, and you didn't wait 3 full weeks, I think that really hurt him and his trust. He was direct and needed that respect, and you weren't able to emotionally reciprocate. The way he worded his last text to you afterward indicates that if he is interested after his project or "project", HE will contact you. So, if he does not contact you, then assume there is nothing left.

The only other way you can maybe reach out is if you happen to run into him in-person. Don't try to look for him or chase him down. If this occurrence does happen where you run into him in-person by chance, and he starts to walk away, don't pursue. Approach slowly, and say hi. Be gentle and gradual with communication, and ask if it's okay to talk. Ask if it's okay to have a conversation about consideration of rebuilding a relationship or friendship.

Based on what I've read about his last text to you, do NOT attempt to contact him at all in any other manner. You will have to move on.

If you or him find someone else before you two communicate again, then you and him were not meant to be in a relationship, and that is okay. I wish you and him the best, and I hope my perspective helps you.