Recent break-up with Aspie, looking for advice?

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Hi all, I would love some advice. I apologize if I say anything incorrect, I'm a little out of my realm here (and still hurting a bit). I had been dating an aspie for about 7 months (I'm NT). Some of our relationship could be rocky because he would pull away or our communication could be difficult and he was often worried about us not being able to connect because he had bad past experiences with his ex gf who was NT but I really appreciated him and wanted to work on us getting through anything he was worried about. Because we had issues, i felt like there was nothing we couldn't get through. He would sit and talk for hours to get over anything I was concerned about and same with me. I really felt like a team with him (there were things I did find hurtful he did say we could get over in time - some of the distance he needed, his bluntness, etc). But he was the best man I ever met (for me) and my best friend.
about 4.5 weeks ago, we got into a rather big fight for us. I think it was a culmination of things, but it was after we had an amazing two weeks together and it also came on the heels of some big works new for him we were both very happy about (the biggest news he had had in awhile). i saw him for the first time kind of just shut down. i argued with him for a little bit, but then i tried to come to a resolution and put a pin it, but instead he just... ignored me. he had never done that before. he just wouldn't speak to me. i panicked, and he said we needed to take space when he was on a work trip. he also had never done that before. he said we needed to not talk for 3 weeks.

during our 26 days of space total, i contacted him a total of 4 times. once was 4 days after we stopped talking, i figured he wasn't serious and that was enough time to cool off. he replied very sweetly to my email which was a work-ish thing, but added: talk to you in a few weeks. the next time i told him i missed him, thought this was silly, and that the silent treatment and space aren't the same thing (9 days). he said to respect his space otherwise we couldn't resume anything at all, or something like that. a week later i found out my grandfather was going into hospice care (15 days), and was feeling very bottomed out. i didnt mention it, but i sent him an email telling him i missed him, wondering why we were doing this, etc. at that following saturday i sent him two texts letting him know my grandfather had passed which made me realize how important people were to me in my life and similar sentiments (21 days) and he didnt respond... at all. they were very kind and well worded. he was supposed to reach out to me at 24 days so i waited. when he didnt, i texted him at 26 days, something simple but nice. when he didnt respond, i tried again the next day but still nothing. so i tried again that night... he finally responded to my text when i rationalized: "are you really never going to speak to me anymore?" and pointed out how many mutual friends we have in common, including his brother.

his text said: I don't want to talk anymore. I've been very busy and don't have space for it. Also didn't like that you didn't respect my request to back off. Sorry. You are a very sweet very smart person, but I don't think we worked well together and I have to move on.

That's it. He sent two more texts to me - single lines - after that when I texted him, but he refused to continue the conversation with him.

I am shocked. Do you think he will ever reach out to me again or ever get in contact? He is ridiculously stubborn. So stubborn. But 4 days before he asked for "space" he told me couldn't imagine not having me in his life....

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Maybe I should also add the only other two texts he sent (amongst the litany of mine, which were not mean but sort of pleading for him go just talk to me and not end things on a bad note - I stopped trying the next afternoon).

He said: "for the foreseeable future, I need space" and "don't hate you. Maybe friends someday, just not right now."

 

[Suzanne]

Reading this, is like a bit of a jolt to me, because, even though I am much better now, my husband, who is the NT would often feel as you are describing.

I know it seems terribly unfair, but when we say we need space, we really do need space. It is too overwhelming for us to have a barrage of texts etc ( even if, in reality, they are not).

My husband still has a hard time to appreciating that I need to be left alone, because you see, we cannot think otherwise.

I think, that even if he does contact you again, you would be decent to yourself and just walk away, because unless you can be an unbalanced %, it isn't going to work.

My husband and I, were already married, when I discovered I have aspergers and so, really have to work very hard to get on and thus, if you are not there ie marriage, then for your own welbeing, walk away.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I appreciate this feedback. Honestly I appreciate any feedback. I feel like none of my friends understand they think he's such a horrible person and while I do think how he ended things is incredibly
Cruel and I'm confused because it's such a 180, and he's offering me no explanation, he's not a horrible person. He was the best man I was ever with even such a short period of time.

We would spend 6 hours a day texting, talking, communicating and confiding everything in one another, so I guess I figured reaching out 4x in 25 days or so was not infringing his space COMPARITIVELY to how much time we talked before. Now I realize I should have left him completely alone but it seemed like so little compared to before and I honestly thought he was going to come back around earlier because we would fight before and be like ok I can't stand not talking to you, pause, I have something amazing I need to tell you!!

Even if there isn't a romantic relationship in our future, and after our wounds have healed, I would still like a friendship perhaps. We have so many interests in common and I find him such a smart and interesting person. But he's so stubborn I'm not sure that's even there. Do you think he may come back around to me?

 

[Mike D.]

I've been on the other side of this.

Something during that argument cut him very deep and he didn't know how to verbalize it. He believed he needed some time to reflect and to decide what to do. More than likely he had a new negative view of you that had to be merged with an existing positive view, but he did not know how to do it right away because many Aspies can think in black and white.

The best way to handle this shut down on the fly is to end the conversation and reach out immediately: what are you thinking, what didn't work for you in our argument. Don't force it, but it may be a way to preempt a reclusive response.

he said we needed to not talk for 3 weeks.

during our 26 days of space total, i contacted him a total of 4 times. once was 4 days after we stopped talking, i figured he wasn't serious and that was enough time to cool off.

Typically when an Aspie speaks explicitly ("we need to not talk for three weeks"), they mean it 100% literally: set a timer for 21 days and wait. He likely felt disrespected by you reaching out so many times, which may have cemented his view of you into the negative. However, I would say reaching out to him early regarding your Grandfather would have been acceptable.

My suggestion: at most say you respect his decision (if you want), and mention that you are available if he wants to talks again. That's it. Don't come off needy or clingy. He is numb to you, but he likely will not be forever. Though no one can predict when or how that will change.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

This is so weird: I literally just received a text from him 20 minutes ago. I tried contacting him two days ago (the morning after he sent me that text), and that was the last of it, so I thought. His contact isn't even in my phone anymore. This is an edited version of what he just sent me:

When I'm done putting together this project we can try talking again. I really just need to give this my full attention and I don't trust you not to be all over me. Cant put myself in that position. I'm not trying to be mean, but I can't talk about the project over text and email and I need to keep my eye on the prize. Don't mean to be mean, but what I am doing is important to me and needs my full attentions. I'm sorry if that's not nice. I think someday you will understand.

I didn't respond nor do I intend to. But I found it interesting that he end reached out.... What are your thoughts?

 

[Mike D.]

When I'm done putting together this project we can try talking again.... I think someday you will understand.

It appears he still likes you and sees you being a part of his life for the foreseeable future.

I really just need to give this my full attention and I don't trust you not to be all over me. Cant put myself in that position.

He states you're not respecting his boundaries. Put this on the list of things to discuss when his project is complete.

You could reply, if you want of course, but I'd suggest keeping it brief enough to acknowledge his message and maybe show some interest in seeing this project.

Anything else you'd want to say, like how it hurt to be ghosted like this, should be saved for when his project is done. It won't get through to him right now.

 

[Keigan]

Something during that argument cut him very deep and he didn't know how to verbalize it.

Very likely, there was probably something that touched his core - emotionally he could not deal with what ever that was at that time..... notice how I mention "at that time".

So he focuses on that which he knows and can manage, work project.

His hurt, could also be the inverse - he might feel like he hurt you and can't bear to see the results of his actions.

If there is a conversation between the two of you - just listen, listen, allow him space so he can verbalized what he is feeling.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I guess that's good then to receive this message. His constant reiteration of "I don't mean to be mean" made me think he was just feeling guilty, and was trying to ease his conscious but doesn't really personally case, as it definitely wasn't an apology. ("someday you will understand," as I think he believes it will have national recognition, not so much that he will personally show it to me but who knows).

I think I'll just opt not to respond, as I sent him more messages than he felt comfortable with a few days earlier. he knows I am always interested in his work. I'll just let him lead with everything from now on. also, he was very cruel to me a few days ago. just going to let things chill out.

 

[MrSpock]

It sounds to me as though he is still interested in some way. It's not easy for us to be close to people, it's very easy for us to be misunderstood in these situations. You seem to feel rather strongly about this. It may cause more hurt for you but I would encourage you to not give up.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I do care, a lot... in some ways it's hard for me to be close to people too. I think he's amazing and the way he suddenly treated me so harshly shocked my system. Even know I would never want to hurt him. I don't want to give up but a part of me wonders how to handle this considering how quick he was to dismiss me.

Also, I feel this could be the never ending project. It could really go on for months and months and months... way more than he expects, and it might even fall though. who knows.

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

I read this and it made perfect sense to me......from his perspective.
Here is the thing and you may not perfectly like it but I HOPE you can understand it.

To YOU this fight was over...who knows really...and of no real consequence and everyone fights and this was no real thing. YOU hurt HIM. You may not have meant to or you may have meant to but did not want it to be as much as it did or you thought he would not dwell on it.

You thought wrong. Sweet words or nice thoughts after the event do not put it back into the box.

He has withdrawn from an area in his life that is bad and confronting and hurting and that he cannot deal with and is directing his energies where they will be positive and achieve success and make him not feel as out of control and deflated and terrible.

You may say "But I was calling out to him through text and pleading with him..." Uh huh. I get that. I also get that they were going wonderfully before that fight, right? Has he got anything to be concerned about in that you may bring him back emotionally to this same place without a second thought because it was just another fight "of no real consequence and everyone fights and this was no real thing"? Maybe he is very raw.

Did you hurt him and then badger him when he withdrew from your hurt? Did he ask you for space and you refused to give it because your feelings were now hurt that he did not follow your preferred response from him to your hurting him? Do you know how bad that sounds?

Here is another question? Why do all your acquaintances think that he is a horrible person? YOU have poisoned the well there too haven't you? You have hurt him, he has recoiled and that was not how YOU wanted HIM to respond to YOU hurting HIM, he tried to tell you to stop badgering him because he was overwhelmed. But YOU figure he is the "cruel" one and so you complained to your friends so they could emotionally assuage your part in this and make you feel better and HIM the bad guy. Now any further relationship will in YOUR mind mark this as him being in the wrong NOT YOU, and your mutual friends will take your side because he no doubt is not socially savvy to try the same support "roundup".

But he disarms YOU right?

Yup classic NT and Aspie relationship. Don't feel like the good guy in this. You aren't. You have made some VERY big mistakes and your own actions have been just as cruel as his and twice as undercutting. I do not know whether either of you ought to be in a relationship if this is how you treat each other. IF you can learn from each other. If you can undo the poor opinion you poisoned his character with your own friends...and let's be real, you likely made him a monster in their eyes (and now it would be like trying to say that Vlad the Impaler is actually a nice person once you get to know them and maybe their atrocities were a little overstated), right? If you can consider HIM as much as you do yourself and maybe if HE can understand that even when you deliberately hurt him and it feels like everything he held up as nice and sweet has been polluted by the toxic rhetoric you spewed so effortlessly that it was not actually a big thing and not supposed to be a forever thing or a want to emotionally annihilate him. Maybe it could still work?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Z The thing is, if I make him feel so out of control and terrible, then I shouldn't be with him anyway. I don't want to make someone feel that way especially someone I care about. It doesn't make them feel good and it doesn't make me feel good. I liked being his support system and his cheerleader. I want him to succeed.

I get what you are saying. There were other fights prior to this one. He's probably thinking it's too much to deal with with a big project. But to basically cut me off so harshly and cruelly like that, he was basically like I decided it's worth not having Ing you in my life at all?

He hurt me too. A lot. And I probably shouldn't have reached out but when I did it was never not in kindness and appreciation and never with any aggression.

Oh and I don't care what my friends say. He refused to ever meet them anyway (which always made me sad), but women are just women and will defend their best friend while she has a broken heart. But honestly when he was there, I could care less.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

And I'm pretty sure no further relationship is going to come from this :/

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

You want things on your own terms. I get that.
A relationship is about you supporting each other and you feel you support him and should not have to. If you are down to saying "What? I have to give emotional support? What about me?" Then probably better steering clear of all but suprrficial relationships and stick with just friendships

He was not being cruel. Eepeating this does not make it true. You realise this, don't you. You hurt him he withdrew. You pursued him and he wanted emotional space to recover from hurt you needlessly inflicted on him. You could not give that to him and kept badgering him and he got firmer with you and suddenly YOU are the victim and broken hearted and hurt?

You see from my reading there may have been cruelty but not from him. This reading says that you are precisely where you should be given your actions. Your feeling lousy does not mean you must have been victimised and in the right.

I also think that him being Aspie is not the problem in this one aspect but that you want someone who is less bothered by a girlfriend who says horrible things to them even when things are going well (drama seeking?) and doesnt respect their feelings or space.

Good news! Plenty of guys like that. They will not really care if you respect them or not. They will not invest much in caring what you think.I can't give you promises of meaninful relationship or quality but I don't think you are ready for that anyhow, going by your own description of your last relationship.

 

[MrSpock]

Even without the differing neurologies men and women can find it very difficult to be on the same page. It seems that you're both hurt. You do both care if the other respects you or not. That is an indicator that there is hope. It might be a good time to go elsewhere if that's what you want, it might also be a good time to prove to him that you're willing to go through the tough times to be by his side always.

Those of us reading this thread don't know as much as you do about the relationship. Go for what you want, and good luck to you.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

eWhoa whoa Sir Les Patterson - How did you take all of that away from what I just said? I feel perhaps you may be projecting something because there are a lot of things laced throughout in what you typed to me that are not relevant to my current situation. You're talking about "toxic rhetoric" that I spewed at him? What are you talking about?! And I didn't needlessly inflict pain on anyone. We mutually got into a fight and inflicted pain on one another. I was wrong for not giving him his space.

Why do you keep saying I say horrible things? I never said I said anything horrible?? Did someone say something horrible to you?

A lot of your advice is very helpful but some of the things are not true to my current situation.

I do I feel I support him but NOT that I shouldn't - I want to be in a relationship where I support the person and they support me! I think your partner your be your biggest supporter and your biggest cheerleader and the person you turn to when things get tough. I think he's a brilliant man and I find him awe inspiring. I wish he would let me give even more support than I've been able to.

Thank you to everyone else.

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

eWhoa whoa Sir Les Patterson - How did you take all of that away from what I just said? I feel perhaps you may be projecting something because there are a lot of things laced throughout in what you typed to me that are not relevant to my current situation. You're talking about "toxic rhetoric" that I spewed at him? What are you talking about?! And I didn't needlessly inflict pain on anyone. We mutually got into a fight and inflicted pain on one another. I was wrong for not giving him his space.

Why do you keep saying I say horrible things? I never said I said anything horrible?? Did someone say something horrible to you?

A lot of your advice is very helpful but some of the things are not true to my current situation.

I do I feel I support him but NOT that I shouldn't - I want to be in a relationship where I support the person and they support me! I think your partner your be your biggest supporter and your biggest cheerleader and the person you turn to when things get tough. I think he's a brilliant man and I find him awe inspiring. I wish he would let me give even more support than I've been able to.

Thank you to everyone else.

You didn't say horrible things? Great news. I must be mistaken. Then he did not withdraw from you and the events you mentioned did not happen. I am very glad this is the case. I must have misread the whole thing. I am glad you set me right. I am glad too that your friends have not been given a bad opinion of him. I am glad that there was nothing so badly said that it caused a socially awkward man to withdraw. I find a great relief in all of this.

Fights are terrible things and worse when they cause one party to withdraw into themselves because they feel emotionally shattered. Glad that did not happen.

That you confirmed you did crowd him when he asked for space is not great but only really a concern if he was withdrawing and scrambling for emotional space to recover and you set me right there.

My apologies that I misunderstood everything you wrote.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Fights ARE terrible things, and so are break ups and I'm wondering why you're going on the attack so much over mine when I came here to seek advice and you are concluding I did things I didn't and coming after me so harshly. That's not giving advice at all, and that's not even trying to be realistic or being honest or whatever you want to say. You are straight up going after someone you don't know when I'm in a pained situation with someone I really really care about.

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

I am not on the attack. I am giving my reading of things. I clearly misunderstood what happened and I apologised because it seems the fight was not as bad as what it seemed to be and that he had not withdrawn from you and that your pursuit of him was not of any real consequence. So I misread and misunderstood. I apologised for misunderstanding.