Ready to broach the issue with spouse

[ra49]

In re: our thoughts today about OP and his situation: I agree with what you all have said, and i also agree with OP that we missed what he thought was the important point.

What we know because we have been doing this life so long and trying so hard to make sense of it, is the one thing OP has not learned yet: we each can only change our own self and our own choices. We can work really hard at getting someone else to understand, but we can never change them. There is no magic for that.

OP has been moving heaven and earth for his family for years, but no relationship can stand that lop-sidedness over the long term and now OP has a huge crisis but no helping hands. Sigh.

 

[Hypnalis]

@ra49

agree with OP that we missed what he thought was the important point.

OP didn't/doesn't understand the point I quoted in my previous post either, despite having written it.
Waiting for internal change in his wife is obviously a waste of time.

It's OP that needs to change.
Perhaps to initiate a plan of action. Perhaps to find a way to accept his situation. But not "do nothing".

They have kids, which (IMO) means they have "external" responsibilities that must be fulfilled.

BTW - if you flip the sexes, that's a very common story.

 

[Tyer]

Did you consider showing her your post?
You seem to have put a lot of thought in it, so letting her read all your points, maybe helps opening her eyes. ...or at least it can "scratch her wall", and time could widen that scratch until maybe someday, her wall cracks open.

 

[Tyer]

we each can only change our own self and our own choices. We can work really hard at getting someone else to understand, but we can never change them. There is no magic for that.

I agree.
We can only try to show others a way or perspective. But, its always their path and they have to walk and decide which way they want to go.
We can watch them, or leave.

 

[AspieChris]

Did you consider showing her your post?
You seem to have put a lot of thought in it, so letting her read all your points, maybe helps opening her eyes. ...or at least it can "scratch her wall", and time could widen that scratch until maybe someday, her wall cracks open.

Not that it’s bad advice, but I seriously doubt that she would change any of her behavior if she read the posts here. The OP related a story here about his son having a legit meltdown, rocking back and forth and everything. She barely acknowledged it and said “it’s not that bad”. According to him this was the end of the conversation. If she’s unwilling to acknowledge the obvious signs of ASD in her own child, then I feel like she won’t acknowledge it in herself.

I feel like their situation is unbelievably bad and has been for more than a decade. It’s going to end in divorce unless there’s a bomb dropped in their house, soon.

 

[Tyer]

Not that it’s bad advice, but I seriously doubt that she would change any of her behavior if she read the posts here. The OP related a story here about his son having a legit meltdown, rocking back and forth and everything. She barely acknowledged it and said “it’s not that bad”. According to him this was the end of the conversation. If she’s unwilling to acknowledge the obvious signs of ASD in her own child, then I feel like she won’t acknowledge it in herself.

I feel like their situation is unbelievably bad and has been for more than a decade. It’s going to end in divorce unless there’s a bomb dropped in their house, soon.

How can you know, if you didnt try?
Some things need more then just one or 30 tries.

But I understand your point.
And I dont disagree with it.
I actually think youre right.

Its just the way I am. And my expirience.
Some people seem unfaced....but some of them crack at one point.
Sometimes it takes decades until they realize they cant go on like this anymore.
They just cant ...allow it yet...not ready to listen.
Not ready to show what they consider a "weakness".
Im stuborn, and giving up is hard for me.
Some call this thinking naiv.
Maybe it is. but giving up everyone, just because of some 'stuborn walls' is kinda naiv too.

BUT, for everyone, listen.
Sometimes one has to give up on some situations or people, or at least keep a distance.
Than breaking oneself, because its just too hard, too much, doesnt help the situation either.

Sometimes one has to take the bad thing that is easier to be dealed with, than the really bad thing that destroyes you.
A Divorce is maybe the only way she learns.
She cant run away from that (Or herself).

Living with her and cleaning up behind her, could end up being the worser option.

Every decision has consequences anyway.
We just often arent really aware of that fact because most of them are harmless.

(Also, there are always way more options to choose from, than just the two you see.
So, always Take time to think things through.)

 

[Aspychata]

Well, coming from a different view point, we only have his side. And as usual, this person had no faults. After reading many posts like the same, usually the person never talks about anything they may be doing that may also contribute to the situation. So l do think these posts are rather one-sided, however l am not going to antagonize the OP, which l think has left the forum.

 

[AspieChris]

A Divorce is maybe the only way she learns.
She cant run away from that (Or herself).

Absolutely. But then the children are stuck with divorced parents and there’s always the chance that she doesn’t wake up and get help.

I think that we’re all correct to some degree.

which l think has left the forum.

I think so too. Unfortunately he was looking for ideas and there’s a ton of information in this thread already. We can’t all disagree and also be correct, but maybe one of said something useful and he may never hear it.

Im stuborn, and giving up is hard for me

Me too. A friend once said that I was the most stubborn SOB he had ever met. That was 15 years before I learned that I was on the spectrum.

I’m very resistant to change but also determined to solve any problem in front of me. Every problem has a solution right? I’ll keep it in my mind until I find that solution, even if it takes me decades.