Problems with my mother

[LostInSilentHill]

Hello, I'm sorry if this post ends up being cluttered and disorganized.

lately I've been having some issues. My parents are separating and my mother has been relying on us kids (we are all adults) to help her out. She calls me for emotional support but then she gets angry , saying that I'm being to cold and emotionless. She wants my help to make plans and rely's on me to make calls to my brothers and now she is very angry because I messed up on delivering a message.

This is very stressful and I don't know what to do. My mother knows I have problems but at the same time she is suddenly believing that I am perfectly able and mentally fine, that all the issues I had growing up weren't there. When I try to tell her that I have difficulty with emotions and empathizing she doesn't believe me. Everyone I know has known about these issues for a very long time but now she is in denile about it.

She is often angry at me now, and me telling her that I can't help because of appointments and other obligations makes her very upset. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Judge]

Be tolerant- and patient with her as much as you can stand. And keep perspective of two things. As long as she relies on you more so than your other siblings, that says something regardless of her criticisms of you. And that right now she's stressed out beyond all reason. Not at her emotional best.

My mother's health began to fail and I ended up being her caregiver until she died. It wasn't easy for either of us. But in her case it was her entire sense of independence slipping away. Not just a marriage. And there was nothing she could do about it but know that I was there to take care of that which she no longer could. At times there were harsh words. But it didn't change that she relied on me and I knew this...so most of the time I was able to keep perspective. But yes...at times it could be exasperating. I get that.

Hang in there. Whatever the problems may be with how she interprets your responses, it doesn't change that she relies on you. You have immense value for her to do so, regardless of whatever harsh words she imparts on you under such stress.

It won't be easy, but you have to cut her some slack here. In time her stress levels will drop, and she may only consider that it was you to step up and help her. Even if you don't fit a Neurotypical mold she prefers.

 

[Suzanne]

Actually, she has no right to rely on any of her children, even if they are now adults! It is between her and her husband; she should be the one who is there for each one of you.

I know this does not help, but I cannot agree that you are the one who has to do the bending when it is quite obvious you cannot do this and so, personally I would tell her that you love her, but that you can be of no further help to her. She is perfectly aware ( you would say to her) that you have aspergers and thus, find it hard to articulate emotions that just will not arrive. You can offer practical help, but for emotional help, you are unable to help and then repeat: love you mum but this is a no go area now.

I admit, I am rather biased, because I think it is disgusting when parents use their children, as their sounding board.

 

[Larisa]

I feel for you in that situation, but along with acknowledgement your mother having hard time I would like to point out that her frustration may be not with you but she may use you as a substitute for your father. It's him who should have supported her in her life and help her in her troubles.
Also by my own experience I can tell that my mother was irritated with me because my limited way of emotional reacting was really similar with my father's typical behaviour.
So it may be likely that it's your mother who abuse you right now by ignoring your needs and capabilities and taking out on you her anger at your father.
It hit me just recently that people do not always show their anger to whose who are really guilty - often it's directed on people who believe themselves guilty and unable to challenge validity of charges.

 

[NateSean]

She is often angry at me now, and me telling her that I can't help because of appointments and other obligations makes her very upset. I'm not sure what to do.

Cut her off completely. Make it clear to her that it's not your problem and move on with your life. You are in no way obligated to help her.

 

[David Larson]

Right now, nothing you do will be good enough, even if you somehow pulled off everything perfectly. She's using you as an outlet for frustration, and she's doing so because you're taking it. NT emotions are complicated, but if I were a gambling man I'd say that if you shut your mother down when she starts throwing negativity your way, she may surprise you and become a little more understanding and accommodating - if she truly needs your help, that is.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I agree with Suzanne and other posters. It is not a child's (grown up or not) responsibility to emotionally care for one parent in the face of divorce from the other parent. As for the messages from your mom to your siblings--your mother is triangulating with you. Look it up: triangulation. It's a form of emotional manipulation and is extremely dysfunctional, unhealthy, and destructive.

She is also guilt tripping you, and holding you responsible for her emotions--both are BIG red flags from ANY adult to ANY other adult, whether or not those adults are related. This could be a spouse treating you that way and it STILL would not be okay.

That said, you can't change her behavior directly. You can only choose to stop playing the games. Which is not easy at all, but it can bring sooo much freedom and peace for you.

I was stuck in one of these emotional triangles in my family. There are three main roles: the victim, the bad guy, and the rescuer. Your mom is playing the victim, and making your dad out to be the bad guy, and using you as her rescuer. She's not truly a victim; she just prefers to see herself that way so she can try to make everyone else responsible for the things going wrong in her life instead of taking responsibility for those things herself.

The problem is, if you let her drag you into this, then you're enabling her to continue. She will never face reality until people stop enabling her. It's an addiction for her...to blame other people and avoid being responsible for herself. As long as people are protecting her from the pain of that reality--the reality of who she is and the mess she's created for herself--she will never own her part of the problem.

The bad news is that the only way off of this triangle is through the bad guy role. You don't actually do bad things. But by refusing to play the game, she will accuse you of being a very bad person, and she may actually cut off contact with you by giving you the silent treatment and maybe even trying to turn other family members against you.

This hurts, a lot. But my experience has been that the pain of losing these unhealthy, codependent relationships is outweighed by the peace and freedom of learning how to have healthy relationships with healthy people, and then slowly finding healthy people like that to fill in the gaps left by my unhealthy family members. And then slowly, slowly, some family members--the ones who are willing to face the mess in their own lives--are able to attempt a healthier relationship with me. Some are able to make this transition, and some are not. But the only person whose behavior you can change--the only person you are responsible for--is you.

 

[laurag9g9g9]

Her anger might not be about you... You're just in the line of fire? Stay positive and you can do anything