Problems with making and keeping friends

[MissyMoo]

Hey everyone,

I am new here.

I was wondering if anyone has trouble making and keeping friends?

I tend to find social situations really uncomfortable but sometimes I find people who fascinate me and I really want to be friends with them so I try to initiate friendship like how I pattern other people doing it. I get really sad because most of the time people find me too intense (I guess I have a problem with small talk) and they do not bother to get to know me further (although I desperatley would like to know them).

At the same time, I am oblivious to the fact that I apparently come across as blunt or cold to people who I am friends with or those who would like to be friends with me.

Its really hard, I feel like I am acting normal.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC. Yes to all the above. What you are describing sounds like classic traits for those on the spectrum of autism. Certainly in my case as well.

What seems "normal" to you IS normal for you. It's just that it contrasts with Neurotypical behavior which remains dominant for a vast majority of society.

Equally unrelated to neurological considerations, is how transient our lives are in adulthood, which often limits friendships to a short amount of time with people moving, employment and education concerns. It's just so easy to lose touch on top of it all.

 

[MissyMoo]

I have only recently been found to be on the spectrum of autism. I think its been a bit of a shock. I have always felt very different, like an outsider observing others from another planet but I did not realise until recently how different my understanding of things is in comparisson to neurotypicals.

I think it does explain a lot when it comes to my friendships.

 

[Judge]

I have only recently been found to be on the spectrum of autism. I think its been a bit of a shock. I have always felt very different, like an outsider observing others from another planet but I did not realise until recently how different my understanding of things is in comparison to neurotypicals.

I think it does explain a lot when it comes to my friendships.

Yes...it is quite a jolt to go through life not knowing. I didn't stumble onto the idea until my mid-fifties. Just assumed I was an introvert and little else. Yet always having this weird feeling of not belonging. Like being on the outside looking in.

Being an alien among my own species.

 

[LittleLemon]

I went to counseling (well before I suspected autism) and it only helped with initial friend finding. I can get brave enough to approach people and find a group (like a book club), but then it's like 'now what?' I have the same problem as you. I get invited places, but I always feel awkward and frankly, quite boring. I'm always so quiet in a group that I don't know how to dive in. I can't naturally change topic in a conversation and then it goes cold. When I do find someone I like, it's so hard to maintain the friendship and it seems to always be on the other person's end to keep it up. I struggle with knowing if it's appropriate to text frequently, occasionally, sparingly, or if I can call. Would they think it's weird if I want to see them once a week? I usually follow their lead and try to adapt. Anyway, I'm rambling. So yes, making and keeping friends is the story of my life.

 

[MissyMoo]

I have been diagnosed previously with a lot of disorders like OCD and anxiety disorder as well as Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I think it was not considered because they believed alot of my behaviour issues to be related to the mood disorders of TLE and many people have a stereotypical view of what people on the spectrum should be.

 

[MissyMoo]

I went to counseling (well before I suspected autism) and it only helped with initial friend finding. I can get brave enough to approach people and find a group (like a book club), but then it's like 'now what?' I have the same problem as you. I get invited places, but I always feel awkward and frankly, quite boring. I'm always so quiet in a group that I don't know how to dive in. I can't naturally change topic in a conversation and then it goes cold. When I do find someone I like, it's so hard to maintain the friendship and it seems to always be on the other person's end to keep it up. I struggle with knowing if it's appropriate to text frequently, occasionally, sparingly, or if I can call. Would they think it's weird if I want to see them once a week? I usually follow their lead and try to adapt. Anyway, I'm rambling. So yes, making and keeping friends is the story of my life.

I relate to this. If I make the starts of what could be a new friendship, I have no idea whats appropriate in texting or how often you should want to see them. I hate speaking on phones, I avoid that usually.

 

[Judge]

I have been diagnosed previously with a lot of disorders like OCD and anxiety disorder as well as Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I think it was not considered because they believed alot of my behaviour issues to be related to the mood disorders of TLE and many people have a stereotypical view of what people on the spectrum should be.

I was formally diagnosed with OCD, social anxiety and clinical depression...but at a time when the medical community at large was only beginning to become acquainted with Aspergers Syndrome.

A bit frustrating that they caught all my comorbid conditions but not autism itself. Even my parents were concerned when I was a small child, yet back then the doctors who examined me didn't have a clue of my neurological differences.

 

[LittleLemon]

I relate to this. If I make the starts of what could be a new friendship, I have no idea whats appropriate in texting or how often you should want to see them. I hate speaking on phones, I avoid that usually.

Someone said to me that she was going to call me later and I was thinking, "please don't." That would likely sound rude, so I just nodded and said ok. I hate phones too. I only call if there's a quick question I need right away and there's a good reason to get off soon.

 

[ksheehan88]

Hey everyone,

I am new here.

I was wondering if anyone has trouble making and keeping friends?

I tend to find social situations really uncomfortable but sometimes I find people who fascinate me and I really want to be friends with them so I try to initiate friendship like how I pattern other people doing it. I get really sad because most of the time people find me too intense (I guess I have a problem with small talk) and they do not bother to get to know me further (although I desperatley would like to know them).

At the same time, I am oblivious to the fact that I apparently come across as blunt or cold to people who I am friends with or those who would like to be friends with me.

Its really hard, I feel like I am acting normal.

I'm usually way too intense or I don't do enough (usually I don't do enough because their other friends make me uncomfortable or I constantly feel as if everything I do or say seems stupid or boring). I have perhaps 3 people I can call friends, the rest are acquaintances. xx

 

[MissyMoo]

"I will call you back later" nooooooo... If I do have to speak on the phone I usually end it quickly by saying "I need to toilet" and saying I will call another time.

 

[toothless]

i make friends quite easily within the intellectual disability community,for example i am friends with everyone at my mencap LGBT intellectual disability support group but i dont do small talk or converse, i just hang out with them when we go to our group or go to the gay village [im ftm trans and asexual/aromantic,not gay].
i make friends easier within this community because we dont have expectancies of being good with communication or social stuff.

ive only ever had one non ID/non autistic friend, she is one of my best friends and i live with her, she is my next door neighbour, she is in an electric wheel chair and has mental illness but she has never placed any expectancies on me such as want me to be normal,she knows i strongly struggle with interaction and communication and socialisation so we just chill out together sometimes in her apartment have a coffee,and i sort out her computer problems for her.
ive never known anyone like her,completely genuine and non judgemental plus shes suffered a lot in her life,which has given her massive understanding and empathy for other people.

 

[Jeff35]

I have the exact same issue. I can be quite awkward, to say the least. Don't care much for the small talk either.

 

[tree]

 

[Myrtonos]

I have been diagnosed previously with a lot of disorders like OCD and anxiety disorder as well as Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I think it was not considered because they believed alot of my behaviour issues to be related to the mood disorders of TLE and many people have a stereotypical view of what people on the spectrum should be.

Apparently you are one of those Aspie women who breaks the mould in the same was as Adora.

Do you get meltdowns, and if so, is your meltdown behaviour as erratic as limbs jerking uncontrollably?

 

[MissyMoo]

When I melt down I get super super frustrated and start shouting. I then pull my hair and rock and then I cry for hours. I also sometimes shove and shake other people if they keep poking me or bite my lip. But mainly the hair pulling rocking and crying.

 

[Elemental]

Hi MissyMoo Welcome to Central

 

[Myrtonos]

When I melt down I get super super frustrated and start shouting. I then pull my hair and rock and then I cry for hours. I also sometimes shove and shake other people if they keep poking me or bite my lip. But mainly the hair pulling rocking and crying.

Is this behaviour erratic? Too hard to picture it.

 

[dspoh001]

I went to counseling (well before I suspected autism) and it only helped with initial friend finding. I can get brave enough to approach people and find a group (like a book club), but then it's like 'now what?' I have the same problem as you. I get invited places, but I always feel awkward and frankly, quite boring. I'm always so quiet in a group that I don't know how to dive in. I can't naturally change topic in a conversation and then it goes cold. When I do find someone I like, it's so hard to maintain the friendship and it seems to always be on the other person's end to keep it up. I struggle with knowing if it's appropriate to text frequently, occasionally, sparingly, or if I can call. Would they think it's weird if I want to see them once a week? I usually follow their lead and try to adapt. Anyway, I'm rambling. So yes, making and keeping friends is the story of my life.

I feel exactly the same way. I'm a college student and I started a Creative Writing Club on campus, but I have no idea how to get past the 'now what' stage. I don't know how to reach the point where I've developed anything meaningful without coming on as too intense or awkward or anything.

 

[windattburns]

I went to counseling (well before I suspected autism) and it only helped with initial friend finding. I can get brave enough to approach people and find a group (like a book club), but then it's like 'now what?' I have the same problem as you. I get invited places, but I always feel awkward and frankly, quite boring. I'm always so quiet in a group that I don't know how to dive in. I can't naturally change topic in a conversation and then it goes cold. When I do find someone I like, it's so hard to maintain the friendship and it seems to always be on the other person's end to keep it up. I struggle with knowing if it's appropriate to text frequently, occasionally, sparingly, or if I can call. Would they think it's weird if I want to see them once a week? I usually follow their lead and try to adapt. Anyway, I'm rambling. So yes, making and keeping friends is the story of my life.

I have the same problem. I also find it simply am not interested enough in making new friends as I'd rather stick to my comfort zone. I also say odd or inappropriate things that I think are good but others don't. I also can offend or upset people when I believe I am simply being rational.