Pressure to be Social

[Biblio-Love]

I have lost friends over the years, and my husband says it is because I don't invest in my friendships. But I view friendship as a fluid thing, not a dependancy. As a result, I don't live up to their expectations of how I should act or be. Case in point, my cousin/ friend wants to go to the movies or whatever. I'm like - cripes woman, I just saw you 2 weeks ago! Then there is my family. They are always making plans for dinner or brunch. I get out of it a lot by making up some excuse, but it only works up to a point. I do like spending time with them, just not as much time. How do you balance social engagements, to preserve friendships and family ties, while preserving my sanity?

 

[Arashi222]

It is hard to be social. Its hard to find that balance but maybe explaining to them that you do care about them but that you don't need to spend as much physical time with a person to still care about them. I tend to like to keep a schedule. Like during the summer one of my friends and I got together every Wednesday. So that was fine with me it was predictable. I have had relationships with friends not work because of being so unpredictable. Being too spontaneous and not willing to give in that department. Do they know about your AS? Do you let them know what that means? Sometimes just letting someone know what it means for you helps keep your sanity and theirs because they understand that its nothing really personal its just about keeping sanity

 

[Biblio-Love]

My parents, brother and husband know about my emotional/ social problems, but no one else. I've learned to hide it well. Avoidance is key. I stay home a lot. People tend to think me odd but don't know how much I struggle. I don't want to deal with them if I told them though. Would create more drama.

 

[Tarragon]

My family are used to me(!) My friends? Well, I've only one really close friend and email is sufficient to keep in touch. I dont socialise in person at all. It doesn't bother me or them. I'm lucky I think. there are four people in the whole world who I ever socialise with. My parents, my girlfriend and my long time friend.

I've become more antisocial over the last few years....!

 

[wyverary]

I've learned to hide it well. Avoidance is key. I stay home a lot. People tend to think me odd but don't know how much I struggle. I don't want to deal with them if I told them though. Would create more drama.

I think this is perfectly reasonable. The best friends you can have are those to whom you shouldn't need to explain yourself or make excuses. There's always a give-and-take in interpersonal relationships, of course, but more important than that is mutual respect. They accept your personality quirks (whether or not they know it's Aspergers) just as you accept theirs, whatever those may be.

Believe me, I've tried over the years to blend in and be sociable just like everybody else, but it's not worth it.

there are four people in the whole world who I ever socialise with. My parents, my girlfriend and my long time friend.

I've become more antisocial over the last few years....!

Same here. I have weeded out the people I realized I don't like to be around very much, and those few that are left are dear to me and we get along swimmingly. Best of all, they understand my antisocial tendencies and are very respectful of my wish for privacy or alone time.

 

[Eman]

Well, with my friends I like predictability. We used to hang out every tuesday and friday, for example, pretty much without fail for almost 7-8 years.

In fact, I suspect my best friend is also anti-social. Usually I had to initiate it which is usually unlike me!

 

[Gulas]

Believe me, I've tried over the years to blend in and be sociable just like everybody else, but it's not worth it.

Mind if I ask you why? Why it does not worth it?

 

[King_Oni]

I'm like - cripes woman, I just saw you 2 weeks ago!

This is me with my girlfriend, heh.

After seeing her I'm done with seeing her for a while. And keep in mind, that's someone whom I'm more personally involved with than any other people. Anyone else with whom I don't share this tie/connection can pretty much expect a "I've seen you 6 months ago, give it a while".

I keep a relatively small social group which helps keeping said pressure out pretty much. There's a reason I don't want a lot of "friends", I'm not married (nor do I intend to), I'm in a long distance relationship and don't care to join clubs (for whatever reason I should join them). And luckily my family is small enough; mom, dad, 2 aunts, 2 nieces... which I don't have a particularly close bond with. I see any of them, except my parents (whom I live with) like once every 3 years or so.

Makes me wonder, that compared to what I hear about other people and their social pressure, if my situation is yet another case of "optimal aspie circumstance". Slowly I should refer to it as OAC, since it's clearly more prevalent in my life.

 

[Judge]

Makes me wonder, that compared to what I hear about other people and their social pressure, if my situation is yet another case of "optimal aspie circumstance". Slowly I should refer to it as OAC, since it's clearly more prevalent in my life.

Sounds optimal-and familiar to me.

As long as you aren't laid off from work. And your girlfriend doesn't leave you, your pet doesn't die and your parent(s) don't die too. I've always lived with a very small circle of friends and loved ones. But they're all gone now.

You'd think this would be the greatest incentive to be socially engaging. I see a cousin and her two dogs who live on the other side of town about every four months or so. Beyond that there's a craft club I attend monthly. Otherwise I live in near isolation. It often feels like a strange form of paralysis. I have a much greater understanding of myself at this point in time, but I'm just not sure how much it can really do for me.

I'd love to reach out to an Aspie community if there was such a thing in town...but it doesn't appear to be the case. I feel safe here...not feeling like I have to keep my guard up every two seconds. Wish I had that environment face-to-face with people. <sigh>

 

[wyverary]

Mind if I ask you why? Why it does not worth it?

Hmm...let me try and get into the mindset of when I wrote that a year ago...
I think I meant that I had too high expectations of people. Sometimes I wound up giving them far more of a chance than they deserved; I think I am better now at spotting people with whom I know I can get along without wasting so much time on it. I have learned my limits, so to speak. Rather than constantly trying to assimilate and assume/hope that they enjoy my company and vice-versa.

 

[Hadassah]

My parents, brother and husband know about my emotional/ social problems, but no one else. I've learned to hide it well. Avoidance is key. I stay home a lot. People tend to think me odd but don't know how much I struggle. I don't want to deal with them if I told them though. Would create more drama.

I am very avoidant aswell. And it hurts my friendships at times :/ I often say I'll go somewhere, but in the end I cancel at the last minute. Because I just can't, I just can't do it.. It's very difficult just to get out the door sometimes, and it pains me.. But most friends have understood (but some I have lost to this )! Especially now that they know I have AS. Maybe you could tell them about your issues? Don't be ashamed of it! It might help you

 

[Judge]

I am very avoidant aswell. And it hurts my friendships at times :/ I often say I'll go somewhere, but in the end I cancel at the last minute. Because I just can't, I just can't do it.. It's very difficult just to get out the door sometimes, and it pains me.. But most friends have understood (but some I have lost to this )! Especially now that they know I have AS. Maybe you could tell them about your issues? Don't be ashamed of it! It might help you

Yes! Posts like this have been enormously helpful to me in understanding my AS. This one in particular reminded me of when I moved to another state five years ago, and knew exactly one person- my cousin. When I made the decision to join a hobby club, and the day when I had to attend the first meeting. I nearly didn't make it. Found myself nearly paralyzed to get out the door and just go do it.

What I remember most was how angry I was with myself. What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't even attend a meeting of people who hare a common hobby? That I had to really push myself to get through that first meeting. It's still difficult for me on some levels, but these people represent no threat or discomfort to me. These days I see it as "therapy". It's only once a month for two and a half hours...but it gives me perspective at little or no cost. Well...LOL, gasoline is still expensive, but so is loneliness.

This weekend I'll be attending an enormous craft fair with my cousin. Should be fun, although it does involve huge crowds of people. But it's the kind of pressure that I don't mind...maybe the best kind considering much of my normal life is spent in isolation.

 

[Gulas]

... When I made the decision to join a hobby club, and the day when I had to attend the first meeting. I nearly didn't make it. Found myself nearly paralyzed to get out the door and just go do it.

What I remember most was how angry I was with myself. What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't even attend a meeting of people who hare a common hobby? That I had to really push myself to get through that first meeting. It's still difficult for me on some levels, but these people represent no threat or discomfort to me. These days I see it as "therapy". It's only once a month for two and a half hours...but it gives me perspective at little or no cost. Well...LOL, gasoline is still expensive, but so is loneliness.

This weekend I'll be attending an enormous craft fair with my cousin. Should be fun, although it does involve huge crowds of people. But it's the kind of pressure that I don't mind...maybe the best kind considering much of my normal life is spent in isolation.

I totally agree. Reading your experiences tell me I'm not the only one, that I'm not that different. I remember wanting to join a club about philosophy, so first trial day was about how to deal with anxiety. I remember having big anxiety entering the building and meet people to learn how to deal with anxiety. Fear of sharing myself, my weakness, dealing with the unknown.

I remember entering the door, then I started to run away, almost in panic. Then I came back. As you mentioned, I also pushed myself. I don't care by pressure of others, I care about my inner pressure, even though I enjoy solitude, I also enjoy others company, and I don't like the feeling of loliness. I believe balance is the key... maybe.

There is nothing wrong of struggling with socialization, even though most people take it for granted. It just demand lots of energy and effort, at least for me.

See ya.

 

[asnlifecoach]

There has to be a balance in life. No one has to be the social butterfly, but if you want to have a particular person as a friend you have to be able to give them enough of what they need in order for the relationship to survive. The key is to seek out people that are a good match for your needs.

 

[Licorice]

I look for very low-key, often routine ways to interact with friends and family that won't drain me as much as other options. I'll often talk to my dad about school and work (we're in the same field) over lunch or invite someone into my home for dinner, and what changes is mostly the menu or the conversation topics.

 

[paloftoon]

I tend to avoid people more, but not for the purpose of avoiding people, and not because I'm not good socially anymore. Many people are too selfish, so I always give people a chance. But if they don't respond or reciprocate properly, I stay clear unless it's my job to work with so and so. I always give people a chance to earn my trust, but they have to initiate too. I will not always be the one to initiate. I will not be continually treated like a second class citizen either.

Friendships and being social are good in that those connections can come in handy if we ever need help. Aspies tend to want only close friendships or none at all I think. It's hard to get those close friendships. You have to get lucky, but you have to show people you won't let people walk all over you either. So overall, it is worth is to put yourself out there and take a risk at least once in awhile. Don't try to be fake because people will see right through you. Just be you, but also be able to reciprocate to the other person/people and stand up for yourself when necessary. If the situation calls for it and if you must, then just walk away. At least give it a chance I say!

 

[Biblio-Love]

My family and few friends don't understand my need to be alone, but they expect it from me and so accept (I think). Just the other day, my cousin invited me to her daughter's birthday party, and she told me there is going to be 45 little kids there "so she assumed I won't be going." Perhaps she meant this as sarcasm. I really don't know ? but either way I figured it was my out. I said "Great! I'll have my mother take her then." Her is referring to my daughter.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I'm not ashamed at all. It is who I am. However, I hate drama. And telling people I am on the spectrum or that I have MS will result in the "so sorry for you" type of sympathy which drives me nuts. Not to mention they tell their friends and they tell their friends, and then I get more drama from people I don't even know or want to know. I have few friends and it suits me just fine. Sure, in the past when I felt more pressure to belong to a "group" I lost friends who didn't accept my ways, but I truly can say I never missed their friendship. Perhaps I am a "bad" friend, but in the end I have to take care of myself and make sure I am well and sane enough to deal with the people who truly matter to me.

 

[kj12]

Yes! Posts like this have been enormously helpful to me in understanding my AS. This one in particular reminded me of when I moved to another state five years ago, and knew exactly one person- my cousin. When I made the decision to join a hobby club, and the day when I had to attend the first meeting. I nearly didn't make it. Found myself nearly paralyzed to get out the door and just go do it.

What I remember most was how angry I was with myself. What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't even attend a meeting of people who hare a common hobby? That I had to really push myself to get through that first meeting. It's still difficult for me on some levels, but these people represent no threat or discomfort to me. These days I see it as "therapy". It's only once a month for two and a half hours...but it gives me perspective at little or no cost. Well...LOL, gasoline is still expensive, but so is loneliness.

This weekend I'll be attending an enormous craft fair with my cousin. Should be fun, although it does involve huge crowds of people. But it's the kind of pressure that I don't mind...maybe the best kind considering much of my normal life is spent in isolation.

I totally understand that feeling of being angry with yourself for not being able to go out and do certain things. There have been days that I have not been able to make myself leave to go out to dinner with my friends that i've worked with for years. There have also been days that i have driven to the grocery store and, after seeing how crowded it was, have had to leave and go home because I couldn't bring myself to go inside. After these types of things happen I always feel like a sense of shame. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I do simple things or even things that most people find pleasurable without feeling panicked and uneasy?

You definitely are not alone in this.

 

[danielcollins]

I look for very low-key, often routine ways to interact with friends and family that won't drain me as much as other options. I'll often talk to my dad about school and work (we're in the same field) over lunch or invite someone into my home for dinner, and what changes is mostly the menu or the conversation topics.

Snap.

This is why I missed things like MSN, you sat at your computer.. put some music on and got a coffee or whatever, signed into MSN and it was all very "Ad-hoc" socializing which was perfect for me. You reply to your mates whenever and you go on/offline whenever you felt like it.

I miss the days of communicating through a computer, I love my smart phone but it doesn't replace a decent keyboard. Too lazy to type out long responses on my phone.