Please I really need your help regarding breakup

[Aspychata]

Relationships are extremely volatile and complex. We can't assume anything, feelings are hard all on their own.

 

[Magna]

Gurengui: Did he say why he's worried about you? Do you live in a dangerous area? Do dangerous things?

 

[OkRad]

When someone says they are done, leave them alone. Don't be a stalker.

 

[rse92]

So I talked with him today! And he said it was too hurtful to be with me because he worried about me a lot. He does not want to be my boyfriend anymore，so I guess it is the end? Thank you all~

Either he is genuine or you are being fed a line. In either case it's best you move on.

 

[Gurengui]

Gurengui: Did he say why he's worried about you? Do you live in a dangerous area? Do dangerous things?

Yes he did but not because I was in danger. He meant that I always walked away alone after arguement and he could tell I was in a bad mood but I tend to keep silent. It hurt him and made him worried

 

[Gurengui]

Either he is genuine or you are being fed a line. In either case it's best you move on.

Yea he made it really clear that he was not going to take the risk of pain and hurting any more. So…I have to let him go，just feel so sorry that I have hurt him a lot.

 

[Gurengui]

When someone says they are done, leave them alone. Don't be a stalker.

I do let him go.

 

[Gurengui]

Relationships are extremely volatile and complex. We can't assume anything, feelings are hard all on their own.

Yea I am here just to know more about him. But I do not think there is anything I can do except letting him go now. I am just really sad that I have hurt him so much.

 

[Gurengui]

Thanks. I understand, as I am more the giver type too. I mean, I am often giving and avoiding of confrontations, and can bend in many ways to make things work. I feel I have high tolerance to stress and can be more spontaneous, too, but at the same time be aware my needs are not being met and desiring more.

I am not saying this is true for your case, but I am wondering if for many men and women the chase is more attractive than if things come easy or easier. For instance, if one showed desires for quicker closeness more early on than the other, the other instinctively may want to slow down, as a protective measure sensing neediness, or lack of confidence in themselves. That perhaps could be a turn off, for many men and women? Yes, persons like attention, but too much and too fast from another may show red flags to them.

However, if the other seems more hard to get, regardless of reason, people can assume that means because they are just being more confident and selective, when actually that could not be the case at all, like in your situation or others. I mean, those with ASD and NT's process things so differently, and have different limitations, capabilities, priorities and needs, so my guess is the mentioned above may not necessarily come into play. But, at least for for other cases, it can be exciting sometimes to be attracted to someone, yet that other plays it more cool and patient, and not showing immediate interest back.

I think your rationale mentioned in your last sentence makes more sense though, for why he changed course, and especially if he did not have many dating experiences prior, if that was the case.

Thank you so much! I did send him messages today and we talked a lot. The main problem between us was lacking of communication. I always walked away in silence when we argued，leaving him worried and hurt there. He said that was too painful for him.

I am really guilty now. I don't want to hurt others but I did This fact is torturing me. I hope that we are go back and try again but he said no. So that is it

 

[DK’s_Ghost]

Hey!

So here is another breakup story and I am another person who wants to reconcile with my ex boyfriend who has autism. I appreciate any suggestions you guys can give me, and if my words offend you, I don’t not mean it!

We have been together for six months but we unfortunately broke up last week. Since we met each other online during corona time, during the first one month we only kept daily chatting via text or video. When corona restriction was not that strict, we began to met in person but only on weekend while still maintaining online chats on weekdays. I found the fact that frequent meeting up always burned him out quickly, so I tried to keep this frequency. But last few days, so many things happened that we wanted to meet up more frequently. I could tell that the more we met the less he missed me when we said goodbye, but… both of us were so glad to see each other, I chose to ignore the warning sign.

Last week we decided to live together for about six days, but yea we argued a lot those days and I thought it was fine because it was the first time we tried to live together for a long time, so after each single argument I just went a walk alone to calm down, when I came back he always came to hug me( I do appreciate it and I am so sad that I did not do the same). At the night of the fifth day, he broke up with me because he could not take close relationship. He said that he has thought about it for quite a long time even tho I thought it was our recent arguments caused it(because he was still really sweet the first day we lived together).

Anyways, both of us cried a lot and he said that he wanted to be friends because I was a nice person, he didn’t want to lose me. Being friends sounded actually super cruel for me because I tend to notice how he behaved differently, how he changed and began to kept distance from me in all of a sudden, but it was too difficult for me to cut off contact totally, so I said yes to the friends things.

I tried to tell him how I love him but he was overwhelmed by it, so we agreed to take a break and not talk until Monday, also I suggested to begin from friends when we talk again because I did not want to recall any moment with him, that hurts tooooo much. He did reach out on Monday and we talked for a while, which made me really happy but also a bit sad that we did talk like friends.

He told me close relationships were too much for him even tho both of us did our best, which I think is not true. Because he did not try discussing with me even once before approaching me to break up, how could I realize issues in this case. Besides, I really didn’t think autism was something could make him different, therefore I misunderstood him a lot. But now I do, I realize it is not right to treat him like NT, so I am here to ask for suggestions.

I don’t know what to do next. Should I wait him to reach out every single time? He said that he wanted me to talk to him when I felt like but I knew he need space and time for himself sometimes.

Also, should I mention that I want our relationship back again? I really don’t think there is nothing we can do except breakup but I am afraid overwhelming him with emotions again. Or should I just (pretend to) be friends with him? So that at least he won’t be under pressure?

He could be aromantic or otherwise on the grey ace spectrum, and that’s valid. He’s not saying he doesn’t like you. He’s saying he can’t do close relationships.

Ask him what kind of relationship he thinks about having, in an ideal world. Then question him about it, so you come to really understand it.

Then, have a think about whether that kind of relationship may actually suit you.

DON’T compromise. It’s not an ‘sure, I can do it if I try’ situation. It has to be a ‘YES. That’s what I’ve always wanted’ situation. If it’s not, then he’s right. You should both just be friends, if you can.

Don’t lie to him. Don’t pretend. Don’t manipulate.

Just be straightforward with yourself and with him.

*by a poly autist who has spent two decades dating multiple people at once.

 

[1ForAll]

Thank you so much! I did send him messages today and we talked a lot. The main problem between us was lacking of communication. I always walked away in silence when we argued，leaving him worried and hurt there. He said that was too painful for him.

I am really guilty now. I don't want to hurt others but I did This fact is torturing me. I hope that we are go back and try again but he said no. So that is it

Although I feel a bit sorry he felt hurt by the walking away in silence during arguments, it seems really this is also his issue if he is suggesting that it is the reason things didn't or won't work out. It takes two to create a relationship and communicate, and two usually to cause it to derail. I always see both sides to any relationship failures and successes, and so in this case, he may not have been ready long term, regardless who the person was, if his mindset is during arguments, one must always stay, as that could sometimes make things worse.

If some with ASD shut down, distance, or run away under stress, like what he and others with ASD or other conditions may do even abruptly, those persons should also understand others have silence and distance needs too during arguments and conflicts ? When people argue, and it starts getting heated, or just prior, often the best thing to do is to take a break, compose themselves, go take a walk, or else things could go out of control. That shows care and sensitivity to me, more than not, if that argument could not have resolved quickly, or if it was starting to get out of hand.

As bad as you feel now, things will get better with time and you should start to see you were not the only one involved for causing the breakup, and the good news is you learned more how he felt, and why he did what he did, so you can learn from this situation, that some can be more sensitive or need things done in more precise ways and its your choice whether to comply there or try to meet in the middle for any next relationship with someone, as no answer to resolve conflict seems like the right for all situations, regardless if you are now feeling pressure to face most arguments head on.

 

[Gurengui]

He could be aromantic or otherwise on the grey ace spectrum, and that’s valid. He’s not saying he doesn’t like you. He’s saying he can’t do close relationships.

Ask him what kind of relationship he thinks about having, in an ideal world. Then question him about it, so you come to really understand it.

Then, have a think about whether that kind of relationship may actually suit you.

DON’T compromise. It’s not an ‘sure, I can do it if I try’ situation. It has to be a ‘YES. That’s what I’ve always wanted’ situation. If it’s not, then he’s right. You should both just be friends, if you can.

Don’t lie to him. Don’t pretend. Don’t manipulate.

Just be straightforward with yourself and with him.

*by a poly autist who has spent two decades dating multiple people at once.

He said that he was hurting and worried every single time I walked away in silence. So he can't bear to be close to me anymore. I mean…it does not make a lot of sense to me but I don't want to hurt him anymore. Now I am so guilty to leave him alone after arguement，so maybe friend is better than forcing him to come back，at least I can make him happy as a friend，instead of destroying his life as a girlfriend.

Thank you for your answer! I am fine to be friends with him now. It is nice to be my friend，I wish he can enjoy it~

 

[Gurengui]

Although I feel a bit sorry he felt hurt by the walking away in silence during arguments, it seems really this is also his issue if he is suggesting that it is the reason things didn't or won't work out. It takes two to create a relationship and communicate, and two usually to cause it to derail. I always see both sides to any relationship failures and successes, and so in this case, he may not have been ready long term, regardless who the person was, if his mindset is during arguments, one must always stay, as that could sometimes make things worse.

If some with ASD shut down, distance, or run away under stress, like what he and others with ASD or other conditions may do even abruptly, those persons should also understand others have silence and distance needs too during arguments and conflicts ? When people argue, and it starts getting heated, or just prior, often the best thing to do is to take a break, compose themselves, go take a walk, or else things could go out of control. That shows care and sensitivity to me, more than not, if that argument could not have resolved quickly, or if it was starting to get out of hand.

As bad as you feel now, things will get better with time and you should start to see you were not the only one involved for causing the breakup, and the good news is you learned more how he felt, and why he did what he did, so you can learn from this situation, that some can be more sensitive or need things done in more precise ways and its your choice whether to comply there or try to meet in the middle for any next relationship with someone, as no answer to resolve conflict seems like the right for all situations, regardless if you are now feeling pressure to face most arguments head on.

Thank you a lot. He told me that he wished I could always tell him what bothered me because my feelings mattered to him. But as you said I was always overwhelmed by emotions during arguement，so I escaped without thinking that he would worry about me.
I actually felt super guilty for hurting him so bad，it must be really horrible，horrible enough to force people who loved me that much to leave me eventually. So I apologized to him just now and also said that I would be glad to be his friend! I did mean it.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I do hope that he is still looking forward to love，instead of being against it. Because if anything was wrong，it was me instead of love. Besides! Being my friend is really happy(all my friends have told me that)，I hope he can enjoy pure happiness as my friend.

But he is not that comfortable to have a video chat with me so far，let alone meeting up in person. I mean it is fine，but I do want to see him again and have a cheerful conversation~the last goodbye was too teary hahaha.

Regarding our relationship… I am confident that I can be a good friend for him without expecting him to be my boyfriend. But yea if he wants romantic relationship one day，I am open with it but I will not force or wait for it any more.

 

[DK’s_Ghost]

He said that he was hurting and worried every single time I walked away in silence. So he can't bear to be close to me anymore. I mean…it does not make a lot of sense to me but I don't want to hurt him anymore. Now I am so guilty to leave him alone after arguement，so maybe friend is better than forcing him to come back，at least I can make him happy as a friend，instead of destroying his life as a girlfriend.

Thank you for your answer! I am fine to be friends with him now. It is nice to be my friend，I wish he can enjoy it~

That makes sense, yes. Communication is really key in relationships.

It would be good to work on this. Maybe you could use your friendship with him to explore how you communicate and how it’s different to how he does? If you can clearly state what you need and how you feel after an argument, you will get on better with pretty much everyone.

You might find nonviolent communication useful to learn. Marshal Rosenberg wrote a book or two on it but there are a lot of YouTube videos too. They will help you learn what you feel in the moment and communicate that to people productively and with empathy. It’s a very valuable skill.

 

[Gurengui]

That makes sense, yes. Communication is really key in relationships.

It would be good to work on this. Maybe you could use your friendship with him to explore how you communicate and how it’s different to how he does? If you can clearly state what you need and how you feel after an argument, you will get on better with pretty much everyone.

You might find nonviolent communication useful to learn. Marshal Rosenberg wrote a book or two on it but there are a lot of YouTube videos too. They will help you learn what you feel in the moment and communicate that to people productively and with empathy. It’s a very valuable skill.

Yea it seems being friends is the only way now because he is so afraid of being hurt again. If we are friends，both of us can be ourselves without worrying too much. Maybe one day he will find it is actually happy to be close to me and want romantic relationship again. I know it takes time，and what he needs is exact time. It is good to begain from friendship and see what will happen in the future.

 

[Aspychata]

I believe you should always walk in with friendship only. That has assume boundaries that help both parties thru especially if one of us falls into the deep end in our emotions with the other.

Friendship is always safe and means you respect each other. I think l am talking from experience, though l am surprised to say this myself. Sometimes l meet perfect but it must stay friendship only because l always honor boundaries.☺ l guess l am lucky this way.

 

[Gurengui]

I believe you should always walk in with friendship only. That has assume boundaries that help both parties thru especially if one of us falls into the deep end in our emotions with the other.

Friendship is always safe and means you respect each other. I think l am talking from experience, though l am surprised to say this myself. Sometimes l meet perfect but it must stay friendship only because l always honor boundaries.☺ l guess l am lucky this way.

Yea friendship it is! At least we can know each other from new perspectives. He is still uncomfortable to have a video chat yet，let alone meeting with me in person. I told him to tell me when he was ok with it. But yea，I miss him so much，a lot.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yea friendship it is! At least we can know each other from new perspectives. He is still uncomfortable to have a video chat yet，let alone meeting with me in person. I told him to tell me when he was ok with it. But yea，I miss him so much，a lot.

“Just friends” never works when it comes to ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. It sounds like you just plan to wait and see if he eventually wants a real relationship. Don’t wait too long. He sounds very emotionally delicate and clearly has a low-tolerance for stress, so quite possibly he just wants to talk to you and flirt with you via computer but won’t ever want and/or be able to handle anything more than that. I’d say just make sure you know how long you’re willing to wait for him to want a relationship with you, and if it doesn’t happen, then make yourself move on instead of wasting more time and energy on someone who doesn’t want what you want.

 

[Aspychata]

Yea friendship it is! At least we can know each other from new perspectives. He is still uncomfortable to have a video chat yet，let alone meeting with me in person. I told him to tell me when he was ok with it. But yea，I miss him so much，a lot.

I say wait as long as you want. Sometimes nothing out there is as great as what you have, nothing will make you smile and light up your world. Don't settle for just mediocre and then regret your choice forever.

 

[Aspychata]

Get tired of people giving me ultimatums about what my relationship is suppose to be. My friendships are my business and nobody else's. I don't have to push anybody in a corner and say do this or that to conform to society standards. I think outside of the box. I like to be mutually respectful and follow boundaries. I don't need to date stamp my friendships that this or that has to happen by this or that time. I just want concentrate on happiness at my age. Good luck and follow your happiness.