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Please I really need your help regarding breakup

Gurengui

New Member
Hey!

So here is another breakup story and I am another person who wants to reconcile with my ex boyfriend who has autism. I appreciate any suggestions you guys can give me, and if my words offend you, I don’t not mean it!

We have been together for six months but we unfortunately broke up last week. Since we met each other online during corona time, during the first one month we only kept daily chatting via text or video. When corona restriction was not that strict, we began to met in person but only on weekend while still maintaining online chats on weekdays. I found the fact that frequent meeting up always burned him out quickly, so I tried to keep this frequency. But last few days, so many things happened that we wanted to meet up more frequently. I could tell that the more we met the less he missed me when we said goodbye, but… both of us were so glad to see each other, I chose to ignore the warning sign.

Last week we decided to live together for about six days, but yea we argued a lot those days and I thought it was fine because it was the first time we tried to live together for a long time, so after each single argument I just went a walk alone to calm down, when I came back he always came to hug me( I do appreciate it and I am so sad that I did not do the same). At the night of the fifth day, he broke up with me because he could not take close relationship. He said that he has thought about it for quite a long time even tho I thought it was our recent arguments caused it(because he was still really sweet the first day we lived together).

Anyways, both of us cried a lot and he said that he wanted to be friends because I was a nice person, he didn’t want to lose me. Being friends sounded actually super cruel for me because I tend to notice how he behaved differently, how he changed and began to kept distance from me in all of a sudden, but it was too difficult for me to cut off contact totally, so I said yes to the friends things.

I tried to tell him how I love him but he was overwhelmed by it, so we agreed to take a break and not talk until Monday, also I suggested to begin from friends when we talk again because I did not want to recall any moment with him, that hurts tooooo much. He did reach out on Monday and we talked for a while, which made me really happy but also a bit sad that we did talk like friends.

He told me close relationships were too much for him even tho both of us did our best, which I think is not true. Because he did not try discussing with me even once before approaching me to break up, how could I realize issues in this case. Besides, I really didn’t think autism was something could make him different, therefore I misunderstood him a lot. But now I do, I realize it is not right to treat him like NT, so I am here to ask for suggestions.

I don’t know what to do next. Should I wait him to reach out every single time? He said that he wanted me to talk to him when I felt like but I knew he need space and time for himself sometimes.

Also, should I mention that I want our relationship back again? I really don’t think there is nothing we can do except breakup but I am afraid overwhelming him with emotions again. Or should I just (pretend to) be friends with him? So that at least he won’t be under pressure?
 
The fact that we broke up even tho we sill love each other makes me really sad, and drives me to not give up so far. I might be the most stubborn person in the world, but yea, I thought it was his fault to sacrifice our relationship just because he could not take it at the beginning, however, now I realize it is my fault that ignore his autism actually.️
 
Don't know really. We do get similar questions fairly regularly, but rarely hear how it eventually ended up.

There are different scenerios, but one pattern I noticed in several recently was that a argument or fight (verbal) closely preceded the break up. I don't think this is really a ASD only thing, but think that in general blow ups that involve saying 'things I probably shouldn't have' are real relationship killers, particularly for sensitive people.
 
Welcome. I don't mean to offend you, but is English your first language?

Is your boyfriend/friend professionally diagnosed with autism? If so, do you know how many years it's been since he was professionally diagnosed?
 
He was so unpredictable hahaha. It seems he prefers thinking about our things on his own than discussing with me, which kinda hurts me because when he eventually talk to me it is more like informing me and I can do nothing about it.
 
Welcome. I don't mean to offend you, but is English your first language?

Is your boyfriend/friend professionally diagnosed with autism? If so, do you know how many years it's been since he was professionally diagnosed?

Hey! It is ok, English is not my first language hahaha, is my expression that bad? Actually my bad English should be blamed as well since it has caused a lot of misunderstanding between us.

He was diagnosed when he was eight. So it has been quite a long time
 
Yea I agree. Arguement led to breakup was my assumption. However,he said the reason was that he could not take close relationship.
 
Last week we decided to live together for about six days, but yea we argued a lot those days and I thought it was fine because it was the first time we tried to live together for a long time,

What were your arguments about?
 
The fact that we broke up even tho we sill love each other makes me really sad, and drives me to not give up so far. I might be the most stubborn person in the world, but yea, I thought it was his fault to sacrifice our relationship just because he could not take it at the beginning, however, now I realize it is my fault that ignore his autism actually.️

The hardest thing in relationships is realizing that "Love" isn't enough. Popular culture spreads a lot of romantic ideas about "soul mates", "twin flames", "the one" etc. That culture makes people think that they will find one magical person that fills all if their emotional needs and will, probably be super attractive too.
The problem with these ideas is that they are actually very far removed from what real love is and inspire people to cling to others who aren't really the right mate for them.
Your friend, while a very fine man, isn't truly the right person for you.
I know this because:
He has told you in several ways that he feels overwhelmed and needs space. But you keep ignoring that request.
When he needs to think about you and your relationship, it hurts you because he "informs" you instead of talking with you.

From reading your posts it seems as though you have been persuing a man who can not give you what you really want. What you seem to really want is a partner who will be emotionally vulnerable with you and is happy to spend a lot of time with you. Your friend is not giving you either of these things.

Of course you love him. But he does not seem to be right for you.
I am sorry if my words are too blunt. You seem like a lovely person but ultimately you can not force your friend to want to be in love with you. You have done your best to show him your love. Let that be enough for now.
With anyone, aspie or not, they must make up their own minds. Let it be for now. There really isn't anything more you can do.
 
Hey!

So here is another breakup story and I am another person who wants to reconcile with my ex boyfriend who has autism. I appreciate any suggestions you guys can give me, and if my words offend you, I don’t not mean it!............

I don’t know what to do next. Should I wait him to reach out every single time? He said that he wanted me to talk to him when I felt like but I knew he need space and time for himself sometimes.

Also, should I mention that I want our relationship back again? I really don’t think there is nothing we can do except breakup but I am afraid overwhelming him with emotions again. Or should I just (pretend to) be friends with him? So that at least he won’t be under pressure?

I mean, if you are afraid of stepping on his toes (upsetting him) and saying how you feel, without him being overwhelmed and/or backing away, it's hard for me to think this is a long term relationship fit, regardless of any of your love towards the other. That is not how NT's see lasting relationships. Several warning signs are there, yes, and he in many ways is telling you he does not want now a relationship more than friends.

So, in that regard, to answer your questions, I do not see any harm in taking at least a little risk by meeting him on his terms, and then inquiring more. I mean, maybe try first letting him feel more in control by asking him, after enough time has passed for him to be in better frame of mind, "Can you tell me if you would like to meet again, as I want to if the time is ever right for you?" If his answer is yes, ask him to pick the date and time to meet again, as you are trying to be more sensitive to his desires for space to figure out what he wants or does not.

Then you could maybe tell him during that meeting, while he is paying attention or doing something relaxing, the great things you see about him, and sandwich the following question in- between, "Can you tell me what more or differently I could do for you to consider a relationship again, as I care strongly for you and want to listen better, understand more, and see if it is something you and I could work out, and if it is something you could consider such again?" Then, based on his replies, I would think you would have more answers to figure out what to do on your end, as again, the fit just may not be there, in his eyes.

Whether it's his intolerance to certain stress, fear of closeness, lack of ability to conform in ways, preoccupations or priorities elsewhere, or maybe he just wants to see what else is out there, too, or something else, I am not sure. Regardless, if he soon is not giving signs he wants more, trust him there, and in that regard, he is being honest and not leading you on in ways. Too often women take it personally when guys back away, or assume the guy can change his mind. Not all guys are obsessed with physical closeness, or having long term, but can be looking to learn, grow, and wait and explore more if things do not seem right.
 
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Yea I agree. Arguement led to breakup was my assumption. However,he said the reason was that he could not take close relationship.

More then one factor is likely at play. Arguments are sometimes camelback snappers. Something to consider is that at breakups the reasons given may not be the main reason, or even reason at all they are doing it. It's often candy coated or what they think will avoid confronation, etc.
 
What were your arguments about?

Hey~ they were about various things. Like how he wanted to whatever he wants but some of them annoyed me and I wished he could change a bit. Or he always lost control and said something mean when we argued even tho he didn't really mean it.
 
The hardest thing in relationships is realizing that "Love" isn't enough. Popular culture spreads a lot of romantic ideas about "soul mates", "twin flames", "the one" etc. That culture makes people think that they will find one magical person that fills all if their emotional needs and will, probably be super attractive too.
The problem with these ideas is that they are actually very far removed from what real love is and inspire people to cling to others who aren't really the right mate for them.
Your friend, while a very fine man, isn't truly the right person for you.
I know this because:
He has told you in several ways that he feels overwhelmed and needs space. But you keep ignoring that request.
When he needs to think about you and your relationship, it hurts you because he "informs" you instead of talking with you.

From reading your posts it seems as though you have been persuing a man who can not give you what you really want. What you seem to really want is a partner who will be emotionally vulnerable with you and is happy to spend a lot of time with you. Your friend is not giving you either of these things.

Of course you love him. But he does not seem to be right for you.
I am sorry if my words are too blunt. You seem like a lovely person but ultimately you can not force your friend to want to be in love with you. You have done your best to show him your love. Let that be enough for now.
With anyone, aspie or not, they must make up their own minds. Let it be for now. There really isn't anything more you can do.

Thanks Suzette~ yea I did believe love was the only thing that could determine relationships but obviously it is not,which makes me sad. But anything else could determine whether you should be together or not if it was love? Because I didn’t think there are two people who totally fit each other in the world,every single relationship needs compromising right? I am not going to force him to be my boyfriend but at least not giving up without even trying to find solutions WITH ME.

But as for the space thing,I did give him enough time and space for himself as long as he told me he needed that,but the thing was a part of him forced himself to spend time with me while another part wanted distance. But he did not give a hint about it,what he always told me was: I want to spend time with you! I fellow his pace and eventually burn him out.
 
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I mean, if you are afraid of stepping on his toes (upsetting him) and saying how you feel, without him being overwhelmed and/or backing away, it's hard for me to think this is a long term relationship fit, regardless of any of your love towards the other. That is not how NT's see lasting relationships. Several warning signs are there, yes, and he in many ways is telling you he does not want now a relationship more than friends.

So, in that regard, to answer your questions, I do not see any harm in taking at least a little risk by meeting him on his terms, and then inquiring more. I mean, maybe try first letting him feel more in control by asking him, after enough time has passed for him to be in better frame of mind, "Can you tell me if you would like to meet again, as I want to if the time is ever right for you?" If his answer is yes, ask him to pick the date and time to meet again, as you are trying to be more sensitive to his desires for space to figure out what he wants or does not.

Then you could maybe tell him during that meeting, while he is paying attention or doing something relaxing, the great things you see about him, and sandwich the following question in- between, "Can you tell me what more or differently I could do for you to consider a relationship again, as I care strongly for you and want to listen better, understand more, and see if it is something you and I could work out, and if it is something you could consider such again?" Then, based on his replies, I would think you would have more answers to figure out what to do on your end, as again, the fit just may not be there, in his eyes.

Whether it's his intolerance to certain stress, fear of closeness, lack of ability to conform in ways, preoccupations or priorities elsewhere, or maybe he just wants to see what else is out there, too, or something else, I am not sure. Regardless, if he soon is not giving signs he wants more, trust him there, and in that regard, he is being honest and not leading you on in ways. Too often women take it personally when guys back away, or assume the guy can change his mind. Not all guys are obsessed with physical closeness, or having long term, but can be looking to learn, grow, and wait and explore more if things do not seem right.

Thanks 1forall~(I do like your username btw)
He said the same thing actually(if I did not speak my mind just because I was afraid of hurting him,how could our relationship last longer). But I really hate hurting others! You know? On the one hand,my needs are mine,they should not have effect on another person. On the other hand,comparing to him hurting,my needs are not that important any more.

Thank you for your detailed advice hahaha. I will definitely try it when I am prepared or when I am brave enough!

The ironic thing about us is that he was always the one who wanted to be closer to me while I tried to make it slow down. I am so confused now,maybe a part of him wanted to overcome the fear of being close to someone and another part was against it? So he listened to the former but the latter could not tolerate it any longer eventually?
 
More then one factor is likely at play. Arguments are sometimes camelback snappers. Something to consider is that at breakups the reasons given may not be the main reason, or even reason at all they are doing it. It's often candy coated or what they think will avoid confronation, etc.

I agree with that. But I did trust him. If anything,he might not know the main reason neither.
 
So I talked with him today! And he said it was too hurtful to be with me because he worried about me a lot. He does not want to be my boyfriend anymore,so I guess it is the end? Thank you all~
 
Thanks 1forall~(I do like your username btw)
He said the same thing actually(if I did not speak my mind just because I was afraid of hurting him,how could our relationship last longer). But I really hate hurting others! You know? On the one hand,my needs are mine,they should not have effect on another person. On the other hand,comparing to him hurting,my needs are not that important any more.

Thank you for your detailed advice hahaha. I will definitely try it when I am prepared or when I am brave enough!

The ironic thing about us is that he was always the one who wanted to be closer to me while I tried to make it slow down. I am so confused now,maybe a part of him wanted to overcome the fear of being close to someone and another part was against it? So he listened to the former but the latter could not tolerate it any longer eventually?

Thanks. I understand, as I am more the giver type too. I mean, I am often giving and avoiding of confrontations, and can bend in many ways to make things work. I feel I have high tolerance to stress and can be more spontaneous, too, but at the same time be aware my needs are not being met and desiring more.

I am not saying this is true for your case, but I am wondering if for many men and women the chase is more attractive than if things come easy or easier. For instance, if one showed desires for quicker closeness more early on than the other, the other instinctively may want to slow down, as a protective measure sensing neediness, or lack of confidence in themselves. That perhaps could be a turn off, for many men and women? Yes, persons like attention, but too much and too fast from another may show red flags to them.

However, if the other seems more hard to get, regardless of reason, people can assume that means because they are just being more confident and selective, when actually that could not be the case at all, like in your situation or others. I mean, those with ASD and NT's process things so differently, and have different limitations, capabilities, priorities and needs, so my guess is the mentioned above may not necessarily come into play. But, at least for for other cases, it can be exciting sometimes to be attracted to someone, yet that other plays it more cool and patient, and not showing immediate interest back.

I think your rationale mentioned in your last sentence makes more sense though, for why he changed course, and especially if he did not have many dating experiences prior, if that was the case.
 
Relationships are extremely volatile and complex. We can't assume anything, feelings are hard all on their own.
 

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