Please help me with my BF with Aspergers

[lperrytx]

Hi, my name is Grace and i do not have autism or anything on the spectrum. I just really need some advice for my boyfriend. He has Aspergers and we also have a distance relationship. I understand a little bit of it, but there is just some things i can't put my mind around. He is SO lazy like i feel like he doesn't even want to try though he claims he does. I want him to get a job so we could see each other this Christmas. I feel like he doesn't even want to see me. I have bipolar disorder and and im currently not on any treatment and i'm even still trying to get a job. I'm 18 and he's 22 so i feel like he should be the one doing more than i am. Sometimes i have a hard time understanding what he's thinking. I've been manic lately so i've been getting mad at him at times. ANY advice on dating someone with aspergers will be helpful. Thank you.

 

[Gritches]

Everyone, please disagree with me or correct me if I'm getting this wrong. I kind of only have one perspective on this.

In general, you can take an Aspie at face value, meaning what we say is exactly what we mean - no games, no hidden meanings, no implications, just words that mean what the words say. You will drive yourself bat crap crazy if you spend your time trying to figure out what he really means because you're looking for things that aren't there. If you want to know what we're thinking, ask, and accept the answer. It's that simple. Wait, not done:

Where it gets tricky is that even if you accept something at face value, it might not "add up". That seems like the case in this situation, where he says he wants to try (and we'll assume he means that) but the rest of the situation insists and in fact probably makes it seem quite obvious that that couldn't possibly be true. This is where the disconnect often happens in Aspie/NT relationships.

And this is the exact point where you really need to trust each other, and that is key. The reason things don't seem to add up is because autistic and neurotypical people have different sets of logic that come from different places that govern the way we make decisions and view the world.

In other words, he probably has reasons behind his actions or inactions that might not seem to add up in your eyes, but I assure you that neurotypical reasons for neurotypical actions are just as bewildering to us even though they rightly make total, obvious, perfect sense to you.

I guess another way to look at it is that because you are not now, never have been, and never will be autistic, it's impossible to understand where we're coming from, and it's the same for us understanding you. Unless you've been both autistic and neurotypical, you have no frame of reference from which to draw comparisons between the two in order to reconcile the two very different thinking styles.

This is indeed a potential problem, but it's only a problem if you don't trust each other and assume each other's words are honest and each other's intentions are pure and loving. It's sort of like identifying and accepting that you don't understand, but being curious instead of skeptical.

With that, this sort of "language barrier" the neurotypes have in understanding each other's whole style of thinking can stop being a source of anxiety and distrust and instead be a journey of curiosity and discovery as you get to take a look into a human mind that is very different than your own. It can be very beautiful for you both, if you'll both let it be.

 

[Mary Terry]

Everyone, please disagree with me or correct me if I'm getting this wrong. I kind of only have one perspective on this.

In general, you can take an Aspie at face value, meaning what we say is exactly what we mean - no games, no hidden meanings, no implications, just words that mean what the words say. You will drive yourself bat crap crazy if you spend your time trying to figure out what he really means because you're looking for things that aren't there. If you want to know what we're thinking, ask, and accept the answer. It's that simple. Wait, not done:

Where it gets tricky is that even if you accept something at face value, it might not "add up". That seems like the case in this situation, where he says he wants to try (and we'll assume he means that) but the rest of the situation insists and in fact probably makes it seem quite obvious that that couldn't possibly be true. This is where the disconnect often happens in Aspie/NT relationships.

And this is the exact point where you really need to trust each other, and that is key. The reason things don't seem to add up is because autistic and neurotypical people have different sets of logic that come from different places that govern the way we make decisions and view the world.

In other words, he probably has reasons behind his actions or inactions that might not seem to add up in your eyes, but I assure you that neurotypical reasons for neurotypical actions are just as bewildering to us even though they rightly make total, obvious, perfect sense to you.

Well said, Gritches!

I guess another way to look at it is that because you are not now, never have been, and never will be autistic, it's impossible to understand where we're coming from, and it's the same for us understanding you. Unless you've been both autistic and neurotypical, you have no frame of reference from which to draw comparisons between the two in order to reconcile the two very different thinking styles.

This is indeed a potential problem, but it's only a problem if you don't trust each other and assume each other's words are honest and each other's intentions are pure and loving. It's sort of like identifying and accepting that you don't understand, but being curious instead of skeptical.

With that, this sort of "language barrier" the neurotypes have in understanding each other's whole style of thinking can stop being a source of anxiety and distrust and instead be a journey of curiosity and discovery as you get to take a look into a human mind that is very different than your own. It can be very beautiful for you both, if you'll both let it be.

 

[lperrytx]

Everyone, please disagree with me or correct me if I'm getting this wrong. I kind of only have one perspective on this.

In general, you can take an Aspie at face value, meaning what we say is exactly what we mean - no games, no hidden meanings, no implications, just words that mean what the words say. You will drive yourself bat crap crazy if you spend your time trying to figure out what he really means because you're looking for things that aren't there. If you want to know what we're thinking, ask, and accept the answer. It's that simple. Wait, not done:

Where it gets tricky is that even if you accept something at face value, it might not "add up". That seems like the case in this situation, where he says he wants to try (and we'll assume he means that) but the rest of the situation insists and in fact probably makes it seem quite obvious that that couldn't possibly be true. This is where the disconnect often happens in Aspie/NT relationships.

And this is the exact point where you really need to trust each other, and that is key. The reason things don't seem to add up is because autistic and neurotypical people have different sets of logic that come from different places that govern the way we make decisions and view the world.

In other words, he probably has reasons behind his actions or inactions that might not seem to add up in your eyes, but I assure you that neurotypical reasons for neurotypical actions are just as bewildering to us even though they rightly make total, obvious, perfect sense to you.

I guess another way to look at it is that because you are not now, never have been, and never will be autistic, it's impossible to understand where we're coming from, and it's the same for us understanding you. Unless you've been both autistic and neurotypical, you have no frame of reference from which to draw comparisons between the two in order to reconcile the two very different thinking styles.

This is indeed a potential problem, but it's only a problem if you don't trust each other and assume each other's words are honest and each other's intentions are pure and loving. It's sort of like identifying and accepting that you don't understand, but being curious instead of skeptical.

With that, this sort of "language barrier" the neurotypes have in understanding each other's whole style of thinking can stop being a source of anxiety and distrust and instead be a journey of curiosity and discovery as you get to take a look into a human mind that is very different than your own. It can be very beautiful for you both, if you'll both let it be.

Yea i understand where you are coming from. We both are committed to make things work for the both of us. Thank you this has been very helpful.