Perpetual Adolescence

[Beguiling Orbit]

Perpetual adolescence seems to be a disturbing trend in today's society. I know ADS brings its own particular (and thorny) set of challenges related to gaining the social and emotional maturity required to reach adulthood. We could argue ad nauseum over what it means to be a fully independent adult (i.e. Should forty-year-olds have Pokémon collections? Does an 18-year-old who owns her own business and is a homeowner still need to do some "growing up" because she can't yet buy beer?"). We could all go on and on about how the cards are stacked against those who are on the spectrum; however, I would rather focus this thread on what I consider to be the bare minimum criterium for full entry into adulthood, which I will put forth as total financial independence.

To those of you who are, financially speaking, fully independent — whether age 18 or 98 — what did it take for you to reach that life stage?

To those of you who have not yet reached full financial independence, what steps are you taking to try to get there, and what specific challenges are preventing an easy transition?

I will weigh in later, but I would love for the rest of you to answer (and vote!) first.

 

[Judge]

To those of you who are, financially speaking, fully independent — whether age 18 or 98 — what did it take for you to reach that life stage?

Both time, money and perseverance.

Though rest assured in my case it was not a linear process. Peaks, valleys and a lot of potholes.

Even if one reaches a point of being or claiming to be "fully independent", there are no guarantees of remaining on the top of that pyramid. One thing for sure, it wasn't something that happened in my twenties.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Both time, money and perseverance.

Though rest assured in my case it was not a linear process. Peaks, valleys and a lot of potholes.

Even if one reaches a point of being or claiming to be "fully independent", there are no guarantees of remaining on the top of that pyramid.

Great, and sobering, answer. Describes my journey perfectly. To encourage those who are still trying to get to the top of that pyramid (or trying to get there again ) I would say that it is critical to cultivate an unshakably positive attitude. Not matter how many valleys you encounter or how many potholes you hit along the way, stay humble, determined and positive that you can and will get there. I would even go so far as to say that you should cultivate that attitude prior to working on anything else.

 

[kay]

I get overwhelmed too easy, too tired, too much recovery time needed, too many sensory issues, and too many problems with executive function type skills to be truly independent right now. This isn't a goal I have given up on, I have made so much progress in the last 6 years that I see no reason to think I can't eventually figure out something that works for me. To get to where I can be less dependent on others I am still reading organization blogs, learning tips from people on this forum, and continuing to focus more on what I can do rather than what I can't, even though most people might see it as a waste of time.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

I get overwhelmed too easy, too tired, too much recovery time needed, too many sensory issues, and too many problems with executive function type skills to be truly independent right now. This isn't a goal I have given up on, I have made so much progress in the last 6 years that I see no reason to think I can't eventually figure out something that works for me. To get to where I can be less dependent on others I am still reading organization blogs, learning tips from people on this forum, and continuing to focus more on what I can do rather than what I can't, even though most people might see it as a waste of time.

At the risk of sounding like Tony Robbins, let me suggest that you change "I see no reason to think I can't eventually figure out something that works for me" to "I CAN and WILL eventually figure out something that works for me!"

 

[Judge]

Both of us grew up poor, and are careful with our money. We don't buy things that we consider unnecessary, we don't have debt, we save for the things we need. That's not to say that things weren't tough at various times in our lives.

This is one thing that concerns me in our most modern times. Never have I witnessed a society so programmed to spend money they don't really have. It's just something that wasn't quite so pervasive in those years of struggling to make it on my own. Sure there were temptations, but not quite like this.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

This is one thing that concerns me in our most modern times. Never have I witnessed a society so programmed to spend money they don't really have. It's just something that wasn't quite so pervasive in those years of struggling to make it on my own. Sure there were temptations, but not quite like this.

Maybe it's not all doom and gloom. Here's some encouraging news:

Millennials: 1 in 6 now have $100,000 socked away

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

. I would even go so far as to say that you should cultivate that attitude prior to working on anything else

When you first give yourself a goal, attitude is one of the first obstacles.

So,for me, you work on the attitude while doing it.

Otherwise you can spend a lot of time workingon yourself while forgetting to do anything.
My take,hopefully complimentary with yours.


For me, it was being lazy,avoiding work - whats the point if i dont get any benefit? Ie the boss does...
Found an opportunity that involved not leaving the house, or meeting people, worked hard for a bit and then got lucky.
I realised it was luck and worked 6 times harder than previous, before everyone else caught on and the opportunity disappeared...

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Well, yes, I'm not fully independent. I could live on my own but I have complex needs and I feel like being with my parents still is best for my mental health. Struggling with agoraphobia, Tourette's, psychosis and depression to a point where I can be suicidal. As early as last weekend I wasn't too sure if I could keep myself safe. A few more depressive episodes like that in close succession and I'd need to ring the crisis team.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Well, yes, I'm not fully independent. I could live on my own but I have complex needs and I feel like being with my parents still is best for my mental health.

Refer to Judge's post, especially this part: "One thing for sure, it wasn't something that happened in my twenties." It's definitely a long journey for most of us on the spectrum, so do what you need to do. I'm not judging anyone on the spectrum for not being fully independent — no matter what age. I AM encouraging everyone to keep working diligently toward that goal. It is reachable.

 

[Mia]

It's just something that wasn't quite so pervasive in those years of struggling to make it on my own. Sure there were temptations, but not quite like this.

Think that there are distinctions between needs and wants as well. That have to be established early on, and learned. Money for me, doesn't equal something to buy. It's value is in what it can be eventually used for, in times of need, in replacement of something essential in my life. I don't regard it as anything more than a tool, that can be invested or saved or used for necessities. Anything after that is purely needless, like having too much of something unnecessary, like ice cream or candy. Think it's fine to splurge once in awhile on things that are important to you, but not all the time.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Becoming fully independent is a gradual process. You learn to do things on your own, one thing at a time. You typically don't learn something until you need to.

When did I realize I was fully independent? When I was in my 30's.

I was taking my family on a road trip, with a trailer in tow. I had to back up out of a small parking lot and my first impulse was to wish Dad was there to back it up, because he's so good at this sort of thing.

Then I realized: Dad isn't here. This is my wife, and these are my children. I'm Dad, now. I better figure this out.

I figured it out. Because I'm Dad, now.

 

[LucyPurrs]

This is one thing that concerns me in our most modern times. Never have I witnessed a society so programmed to spend money they don't really have. It's just something that wasn't quite so pervasive in those years of struggling to make it on my own. Sure there were temptations, but not quite like this.

I so agree with this. I have been terrified of debt my whole life so always kept my spending within my budget (usually to pay off the same month or at most the next) with the exception of first car payments, then later, in my 40s I had mortgage payments. But I tried to minimize by buying small economical cars and buying my first place on a budget I could afford. I was never able to save a large amount of money but I have enough retirement income for a modest but fully comfortable retirement. It is hard to save in your early working years when you're only earning enough to pay your basic expenses. I never made any decent money until I started working for the US Government in my 50s.

 

[Lula1989]

My parents divorced when I was 19 and in college, still living at home. When they divorced my mom was living in another state and so my dad basically kicked me out of the house. He said " You are 19 now, better start acting like it". So, I moved into a fraternity house with my boyfriend (husband now). 3 months later we rented a house with 3 other guys so rent was $100 each.... I made minimum wage working PT at the school. Some days I didn't eat, never asked my parents for hand outs.. my scholarship ran out and had to take out a student loan. Over the next 2 years, and last 2 years of my college life, I struggled in every means possible. Finally, my husband and I graduated, moved to the city and got decent paying jobs.

I have fought my way to this point, through all the struggles that having aspergers can bring, without knowing I had it and no guidance for myself when I got into tiffs or tantrums.. I had to learn it all the hard way and regret nothing

 

[OkRad]

I worked very, very hard and tried so many angles, but ended up dependent. I am not able to care for myself and I am ashamed and depressed about it. So that answer is never yet, but maybe one day yet. You never know. Part of it is living in a country that has ZERO way of moving up or off disability and very little social mobility. According to the Economist, we are one of the worse 1st world countries to when it comes to social mobility. So I am not 100% to blame.

 

[OkRad]

I so agree with this. I have been terrified of debt my whole life so always kept my spending within my budget (usually to pay off the same month or at most the next) with the exception of first car payments, then later, in my 40s I had mortgage payments. But I tried to minimize by buying small economical cars and buying my first place on a budget I could afford. I was never able to save a large amount of money but I have enough retirement income for a modest but fully comfortable retirement. It is hard to save in your early working years when you're only earning enough to pay your basic expenses. I never made any decent money until I started working for the US Government in my 50s.

You give me hope!!

 

[Mathalamus]

i am somewhat dependant on my mother, but thats only because moving out is too lonely of an existence for me. it would be a big step down for me to be independent.

 

[LucyPurrs]

You give me hope!!

Don't give up! Hope you can find someone to share expenses with who will accept you and help you.

 

[pjcnet]

I feel even older being at the top of the age groups, op, you could have at least added a few more upper ages to make us old folk like myself at 48 to feel a bit better lol!

I didn't try to be fully independent until I was in my early 30s and I unfortunately fell flat on my face, then a very destructive relationship finished me off, but I've had to learn the hard way and now I have to look after myself. Some people would say that I'm "childish" in some ways even now, E.g. I like playing RPGs, especially JRPGs that nearly always feature teenage characters, but I say so what it's not harming anyone. Also my flat is rarely tidy lol!

 

[Misery]

My case is a bit unusual. I'm not independant, but at the same time, there's not a whole lot of reason for me to do that. I dont work a job. Why? Because I dont need to, and that's the unusual part. Yet I can do as I like. I sometimes refer to it as "family wealth", mostly coming from my father/stepmother. Within the realm of sane purchases, I can buy whatever, whenever. Nobody seems to care and/or notice.

But that's not how it always was. There was a time many years ago when I did need to try to get a job. It wasnt a truly bad situation or anything, but it WAS before my diagnosis. I had one job after another, and sucked at pretty much all of them. Most "jobs" these days (and at that time, about a decade ago) are just braindead busywork. Utterly mindless drivel. I dont do that sort of thing well. I mean, cashiering at a supermarket? "Contributing to society" my ass. Try "cure for insomnia".

The only two jobs I ever had that I genuinely wasnt totally awful at both involved alot of independance (sort of). The closest thing to a job I do now (game development, for an indie dev I got to know) involves even more independance and the hours are basically "whenever I bloody well feel like it". It's not a true "job" though. Originally I was contracted, but now I'm just doing that on a volunteer basis to help them out. I dont need the money anyway.

These days, outside of that, I just.... do whatever. I have alot of free time. Gaming is my main hobby, so I do that alot. I travel whenever possible. I like conventions, so if I can find one in a sane driving range, I set it up and go. Do that pretty frequently.

Now as for the definition of "adult"? Honestly, I think people worry about THAT one too much. I've heard some people say "Oh noes, I'm past [insert age here], that means I cant play video games anymore because blahblahblehbloo". Whereas MY definition of adult is "Dammit I'm an adult and I'll do what I bloody well want to and if anyone doesnt like it, they can go jump off a cliff". I do gaming, I do cosplay, I buy things like Minecraft/Pokemon plushies, because I bloody well can, and... yeah, who is going to stop me? If someone tries, well, that person doesnt need to be near me, now do they? Out they go...

True maturity, to me, is making your own damn decisions. Not just following the bloody herd, or living up to some extremely specific standard set by some random group of jerks. If that means you're in a state of "perpetual adolescence" to them? Well, tough. They'll just have to deal with that fact. Do what you want, BECAUSE you want to. You can be an adult, and still be the kid you always were.

The same goes for jobs. A job should be something you get because you have a practical need/use for it, or because you just want to. Not because society thinks it's what makes you "mature", even when it's the most incredibly braindead/stupid/idiotic sort of job.