PEOPLE

[RemyZee]

I cannot understand people--not during the day, not during the night, and not during the afternoon. Don't know if they think I'm metaphorically a slug or a canary or a fooze ball or maybe nothing at all. Never know when I've done something wrong....even worse never know what has been done right.

I look at a face, I don't know what it's saying or what to say back to it. Can't tell friends from enemies. Don't know how my appearance is interpreted. What does the frown means and why is someone doing it? Wading into a group of people makes me shake physically.

"Why are you so nervous" people ask. "I am nervous because it's confusing to me why you think I am nervous. It makes me nervous." I don't know when people get my jokes. Can't tell if they hate me or like my company. Everything is subtext. It needs explanation to exist next to people, from people--but there is no way to explain Everything. So it's all surmising. Summaries. People are like summaries--I only get a framework, an outline. And not because I don't like people or sometimes even love them or believe in humanity despite its self destructiveness--but because somehow I can't get past the outline to what the whole picture is unless it's really, really clear and at times that makes me really sad because I realize that most likely I will never get to feel what it's like to live without that block, and that can be a very lonely thing.

It doesn't help that people will say the opposite of what they actually mean? Life turns to a guessing game. I wish I was better at guessing, but people don't always put words to things--do they think you can tell what they want by the tone of their voice? By how they are dressed? I don't know.

 

[AprilR]

Word to everything you wrote. For me, People getting angry for unknown reasons traumatized me to the point i am a doormat people pleaser who is constantly trying to keep the peace and prevent conflict. I don't even have the instinct to protect myself anymore when someone hurts me

 

[Masked Man]

The only thing I know from what I've learned is that, for the most part, MOST people are not thinking of me. That anxiety I feel is ME - it's coming from me. So that knowledge makes me feel at least a bit more at ease.

Most people have their own inner thoughts that are focused on themselves - what is going on with their spouse, what to have for dinner, focused on their own anxieties, etc.

In a case where maybe someone thinks I'm odd - I don't know, I just don't really care anymore. I know I used to, but seeing how messed up other people are and that stupid, awful things they are capable of - I just don't let it bother me anymore.

 

[Outdated]

A lot of human language is visual, regardless of what spoken language they use. Body language and facial expressions add nuance to spoken words. Many people are "blind" to this though, not just autistic people, but it's more common in autistic people.

A lot of people have very little control over their body language. They're aware that their body is displaying a lot of their thoughts and feelings but these actions are instinctive for them and it's happening subconsciously, it's not deliberate, (usually) they simply have little control over it. Because of this body language is generally considered to be more trustworthy than the words tumbling out of people's mouths, but there's also people that have superb self control and are able to present whatever they want people to believe at the time.

[Edit] It was so long ago I couldn't remember the name of it at first, a TV detective sort of series where the hero was a specialist in reading facial expressions. Not a great series, moderately amusing, but some of the demonstrations of different facial expressions they do might help you understand a little more.

Lie to Me (TV Series 2009–2011) 8.0 | Crime, Drama, Mystery

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I cannot understand people--not during the day, not during the night, and not during the afternoon. Don't know if they think I'm metaphorically a slug or a canary or a fooze ball or maybe nothing at all. Never know when I've done something wrong....even worse never know what has been done right. I look at a face, I don't know what it's saying or what to say back to it. Can't tell friends from enemies. Don't know how my appearance is interpreted. What does the frown means and why is someone doing it? Wading into a group of people makes me shake physically. "Why are you so nervous" people ask. "I am nervous because it's confusing to me why you think I am nervous. It makes me nervous." I don't know when people get my jokes. Can't tell if they hate me or like my company. Everything is subtext. It needs explanation to exist next to people, from people--but there is no way to explain Everything. So it's all surmising. Summaries. People are like summaries--I only get a framework, an outline. And not because I don't like people or sometimes even love them or believe in humanity despite its self destructiveness--but because somehow I can't get past the outline to what the whole picture is unless it's really, really clear and at times that makes me really sad because I realize that most likely I will never get to feel what it's like to live without that block, and that can be a very lonely thing. It doesn't help that people will say the opposite of what they actually mean? Life turns to a guessing game. I wish I was better at guessing, but people don't always put words to things--do they think you can tell what they want by the tone of their voice? By how they are dressed? I don't know.

What you are describing is a lack of cognitive empathy, which I like to call "mind blindness". Yes, it can be rather unsettling. I've been with my wife for 40 years...and I will never "know" her. I have literally zero idea what she is thinking at any given time. So, yeah, when you are out in the world walking around, perhaps at work, maybe you deal with the public professionally (like I do), you don't really have a clue about people, that is, unless they are expressing strong emotions like laughter, grief, or anger.

On the other hand, @Masked Man makes a valid point here in that other people really don't think about you as much as you seem to think they do. You think about you. You want to make a good impression perhaps, but most people simply aren't paying THAT much attention. Most of the time, if you are sensed as being a little bit "off" in terms of your behavior, it will trigger their amygdalas subconsciously and they might keep their distance without it being some sort of conscious thought. My advice would be to not try to be a "people pleaser" and seek validation because that will be fraught with disappointment.

Overall, I would say it is not as bad a situation as we sometimes catastrophize our brains into thinking. Sure, it can be confusing sometimes, but most of the time it never enters my mind. Unless I have a personal or professional relationship with someone, most of the time the people around me are simply "things" I try to navigate around like vehicles on the road. I don't think about them, at all, unless they are in my way.

 

[TBRS1]

I'm fairly certain that people NEVER really understand other people - how and what they think, the meaning of their words and actions.

Autistic people are the ones who seem to be aware of this.

Alllistic people BELIEVE they understand others, assuming that what they THINK is going on is what is actually going on. The people they associate with modify themselves in subtle ways in order to become like the thing they are believed to be (when this pathological it is called a "self fulfilling prophesy").

To me, this looks like an illusion, or an awkward shared reality delusion that autistic people can't fall into - but also don't understand.

 

[ManuelXX]

It is often difficult for us to understand other people, to understand their irony, the hidden meaning of what they say or their feelings. However, I am speaking in terms of what happened to me, but also to another autistic person I know, as time goes by, things get better, and you are better able to understand others. You can't expect to get to the point where you understand everything, but you make progress.

 

[Masked Man]

Alllistic people BELIEVE they understand others, assuming that what they THINK is going on is what is actually going on.

I think that allistic people make assumptions and guesses about the behavior of others. And since people with ND are not the majority, most of the time those assumptions and guesses are fairly accurate.

They get into trouble when they project their own good qualities onto someone who does not have those same qualities. That's where you get people excusing behavior, "he/she didn't mean it that way," etc.