People with a disability should try harder!

[On the Inside]

People with a disability should try harder… To not let other people try to define your life for you

That's awesome.

 

[Whatisknown]

Yes That is the best quote.

 

[Suzanne]

Many people, it seems, simply refuse to put themselves out to change their opinions for anything, for no rational reason, just that they want the world to work according to them.
This is how my ex-wife has always been with me, even after being apart for 5 years and with formal recognition, if not yet a diagnosis, of AS and severe depression for the last two years.
No matter how bad I am, no matter that I might not be coping at all at any time, she still insists I have my kids all of my allotted time and more.. she wanted a break from them over the two week Easter half term, so I've had them for 10 days so far, with another week to go.. and that's a common issue - Christmas was terrible!
Now I'm always glad to have my boys but lately, since my breakdown, I've found myself much less able to manage than I was before and now have to leave them to it quite often while I either hide in bed or here on AC.
My concern is that they're stressed and anxious when they see me shutting down and there's nothing I can do to make things better or alleviate their worry.
Also, I feel a phenomenal amount of guilt for being how I am, that I'm being unreasonable and should be able to set my problems aside and cope!
I'm constantly made to feel that my difference is the problem..

Your wife sounds so much like my husband and how he is with me! You were the one to tell me that I should not be ashamed of my anxiety etc and I am telling you that there is nothing to feel ashamed about. Since you do not live with your ex wife, then you need to say to her: NO and say: do your want our boys to really witness their father having meltdowns etc? You have the right to say: NO. My husband will text and say: why not etc and I just ignore his text lol and because I really do not enjoy meltdowns, I am able to say: NO, I can do half day of such and such but not a whole day.

You could write your ex wife a letter or something, if you feel unable to talk to her and say that even if she does not believe you have aspergers, that does not mean you do not and for the children's sake, you would rather have them half days.

 

[Harrison]

I am late arriving on this thread mostly because I had to think long and hard on it. The original post raised a whole lot of stuff that I hadn't looked at it a long while, and also brought to question the 'how' of answering it.

Firstly, I do not regard myself as 'disabled', but that in itself needs expansion. In '57 I became one of the many unfortunates who was stricken with polio in the last epidemic we had in the UK. Polio itself is not one single disease, I suffered from what later become known as 'vaccine-associated paralytic poliomyelitis', a form of polio that was caused by the actual vaccine. It caused an intitial total paralysis that in many others resulted in type 1 polio morbidity i.e. death. Luckily for me, it didn't kill me, but did leave me severely disabled and in a wheelchair.

Obviously, at this point, I was disabled, no one was going to disagree with that 'label' at that time. My parents were told that the damage to my muscles was irreversable and science had nothing to offer. What science didn't appreciate were my parents, an aspie mother who would have risen in the ranks of the SS given half the chance, and a Tibetan father who saw my illness as a punishment on him for his sins.

The result?

I was walking with the help of leg irons in six months. I still remember that time, and it wasn't pretty, but they pushed me beyond the thing that disabled me and in the process, laid down a format in me that still exists today. I also remember the consultants face as he saw me walk into his office in leg irons, his only answer was "Well, he'll never play sports". Shame he didn't live long enough to see me play rugby for my county, become captain of the ice hockey team or trial for the Olympics in swimming.

The polio never went away, I still have it, the virus is known to lie dormant in the spine and can recur as 'post polio syndrome' in 70% of survivors. To this day I am 'missing' a quad in my left leg, which is also shorter than the right. I also have nerve insensitivity through the left side of my body but the only visual evidence is that my smile is slightly crooked. No one today would refer to me as disabled, even though I was clinically and physically disabled to begin with.

Polio was a gift that kept giving, leaving me with a variant of chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder, asthma, chronic ideopathic urticaria and emphysema. My current doctor tells me that any of these can get me labelled as 'disabled' if I didn't appear to be so healthy, which made me think that the term is, apparently, relative.

The fact is, I never let any of it beat me, and if you met me you would never know my journey. My parents, without knowing, instilled within me the basis of this quote -

"Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes it's built on catastrophe" ~ Sumner Murray Redstone.

Throughout that entire journey lurked my Aspergers, unknown at that time it wouldn't come into existence as a 'known' syndrome until I was in my thirties. By that time I could not get a medical diagnosis of being disabled even though my medical records stated I was previously. At no point did any medical person ever put forward that I was disabled in any other way.

Roll forward and suddenly the way I process information and react to it is seen as a disability. I will never accept that diagnosis nor will I ever use it as an excuse to not achieve my goals.

Did I try harder?

I guess I did, so I'll leave you with this.

"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give." ~ E. O. Wilson

 

[pax]

Wow Harrison. Just wow.

 

[IrishAspie]

...and again Harrision makes me feel really boring but I have to agree with what your saying, For me its not a disability just a different way of thinking and dealing with things but everything is relative so for others I can totally understand that it actaully is a disability.
I'm happy in a lot of ways I didnt know it was AS growing up because I may not have adapted the way I did.
Only in the last 4 or 5 years did I realise and try to deal with my issues and I dont expect anyone to accomodate for them with the exception of my wife who always accepted my quirks and helped me cope.
Equally I work to overcome the social issues (to a point) for her sake so it's a give and take.
Should we try harder in a relationship context ... YES and so should they ... thats what a relationship is.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If you've got the will and energy, you can beat nearly anything. =)

 

[Chuck2]

This is why I'm hoping to find out if I have Autism or not. If I do that means I have been doing the same as trying to get to an address by going in the wrong direction. If it is ASD + Bipolar + whatever, I need to know so I can also know the workarounds- so I can go back to work.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I am late arriving on this thread mostly because I had to think long and hard on it. The original post raised a whole lot of stuff that I hadn't looked at it a long while, and also brought to question the 'how' of answering it.

Firstly, I do not regard myself as 'disabled', but that in itself needs expansion. In '57 I became one of the many unfortunates who was stricken with polio in the last epidemic we had in the UK. Polio itself is not one single disease, I suffered from what later become known as 'vaccine-associated paralytic poliomyelitis', a form of polio that was caused by the actual vaccine. It caused an intitial total paralysis that in many others resulted in type 1 polio morbidity i.e. death. Luckily for me, it didn't kill me, but did leave me severely disabled and in a wheelchair.

Obviously, at this point, I was disabled, no one was going to disagree with that 'label' at that time. My parents were told that the damage to my muscles was irreversable and science had nothing to offer. What science didn't appreciate were my parents, an aspie mother who would have risen in the ranks of the SS given half the chance, and a Tibetan father who saw my illness as a punishment on him for his sins.

The result?

I was walking with the help of leg irons in six months. I still remember that time, and it wasn't pretty, but they pushed me beyond the thing that disabled me and in the process, laid down a format in me that still exists today. I also remember the consultants face as he saw me walk into his office in leg irons, his only answer was "Well, he'll never play sports". Shame he didn't live long enough to see me play rugby for my county, become captain of the ice hockey team or trial for the Olympics in swimming.

The polio never went away, I still have it, the virus is known to lie dormant in the spine and can recur as 'post polio syndrome' in 70% of survivors. To this day I am 'missing' a quad in my left leg, which is also shorter than the right. I also have nerve insensitivity through the left side of my body but the only visual evidence is that my smile is slightly crooked. No one today would refer to me as disabled, even though I was clinically and physically disabled to begin with.

Polio was a gift that kept giving, leaving me with a variant of chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder, asthma, chronic ideopathic urticaria and emphysema. My current doctor tells me that any of these can get me labelled as 'disabled' if I didn't appear to be so healthy, which made me think that the term is, apparently, relative.

The fact is, I never let any of it beat me, and if you met me you would never know my journey. My parents, without knowing, instilled within me the basis of this quote -

"Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes it's built on catastrophe" ~ Sumner Murray Redstone.

Throughout that entire journey lurked my Aspergers, unknown at that time it wouldn't come into existence as a 'known' syndrome until I was in my thirties. By that time I could not get a medical diagnosis of being disabled even though my medical records stated I was previously. At no point did any medical person ever put forward that I was disabled in any other way.

Roll forward and suddenly the way I process information and react to it is seen as a disability. I will never accept that diagnosis nor will I ever use it as an excuse to not achieve my goals.

Did I try harder?

I guess I did, so I'll leave you with this.

"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give." ~ E. O. Wilson

Thank you for sharing this.

 

[Slithytoves]

The fact is, I never let any of it beat me, and if you met me you would never know my journey.

I have to thank Laz because for some reason I didn't see this until she commented today.

I've met you, and I could see your journey; it's in your eyes. Not as the dull glaze of resignation. As rare fire. xoxoxo

 

[On the Inside]

I don't like the whole "Asperger's as an excuse" thing, because one person's excuse is another person's legitimate reason. Some Aspies may indeed use their AS as an excuse if they are inhabiting their diagnosis unduly, but I don't think that's the case with you or you more likely wouldn't have posted your question. Aspies "try harder" every day, because we're pressured to meet the expectations of NTs. An NT partner needs to understand this. What looks to them like mediocre effort is often a considerable one already. This isn't playing into the "disability" issue, it's about value-neutral differences in ways of thinking and behaving.

/QUOTE]

Well, this was coincidental. This old thread comes back on the day that I was once again confronted with the "you aren't trying" "the discovery phase is over, it's time for action" and "I'm sick of your excuses" with more intensity than ever before.

I have challenges, I am learning more about them, how they manifest, what I can do about them. I am trying. But I also struggle to initiate and maintain momentum on the work I need to do. It has caused a lot of pain and misery and has very negatively effected my life as well as that of my family. Sometimes it feels like this has been a long slow downward spiral, but I fight every day, sometimes all day long not to give in, to keep trying.

The "discovery phase" is NOT over, it is ongoing, possibly for the rest of my life. Isn't that what personal growth is all about? I will be discovering things in the process of doing all the things that I need to do.

I'm not sure that I have a fire in my eyes, there is not much right now that would suggest that there is, but I am not resigned. I try to approach the problems I face with calm and thoughtful attention, I'm trying to accept and forgive so much from my past while stepping up the best I can. There are some things beyond my control, and there are consequences that I may have to accept, but I will not give up.

Thank you all for your help, my experience here has been valuable, supportive, and eye opening. While it may seem like a waste of time to others, I've been able to see things with clarity and organize my thoughts in a way that has escaped me most of my life through participating on this forum. I will not accept the verdict that I am using a diagnosis of Asperger's as an excuse.

 

[Slithytoves]

Well, this was coincidental.

I will not accept the verdict that I am using a diagnosis of Asperger's as an excuse.

I was happy to give you your 1000th karma point, and on such a heartfelt and resonant post.

It seems like threads pop up, or pop up again, just when you need them. That has to be the universe telling you something. Something encouraging, I think.

You're right, the "discovery phase" isn't a phase at all. I've been more aware of this with every month that has passed since I discovered I'm an Aspie. It's a lifelong process and nobody can justifiably tell you otherwise. It is what personal growth is about.

You're never in a downward spiral if you're actively pushing forward. I've never seen any indication here that you aren't pushing every day, and yes, calmly and thoughtfully. I wish the people you really need to see that were more open to doing so. Your ASD is nobody's enemy even if they decide to have a war with it. They're not competing with it over you. It's part of you. Born that way. No excuses needed.

I really hope you can find some peace in your home life soon. You deserve it.

(I see fire in your post, by the way.)

 

[On the Inside]

About that downward spiral, I recognize that there are some areas where things have gotten a little worse in terms of my abilities and motivation, but for the most part what I see as a downward spiral is actually me not keeping up with my peers.

I used to be able to make it appear as if I was keeping up, largely because I worked hard and was interested and involved in things that I had natural talents for. Those things were not things that would generate much in the way of material/wealth gain unless one was very talented, disciplined and a bit lucky.

I had looked back on that with a sense of time wasted, but I am trying to forgive my "failures" and work to incorporate those former strengths into my present in some way. Those things made me happy when I wasn't putting pressure on myself to make it pay off.

 

[Slithytoves]

but for the most part what I see as a downward spiral is actually me not keeping up with my peers.

I had looked back on that with a sense of time wasted, but I am trying to forgive my "failures" and work to incorporate those former strengths into my present in some way. Those things made me happy when I wasn't putting pressure on myself to make it pay off.

I gave up on the "keeping up with my peers" thing years ago. We're not comparable, really. It's not just about neurological differences; it's also my feelings about normative expectations. A lot of them just don't move me much. Then again, I'm not a man and I haven't been married all this time. No kids. It's been easy to be a relative underachiever. It only hurts at high school reunions and funerals, and I don't attend either.

If you were interested in and worked hard at something you had talents for, it wasn't time wasted. I'm sure you got things out of it that have been valuable here and there. Maybe not money, maybe not advancement, but those aren't the only measures of accomplishment. Most people never learn that things they consider failures yield gifts that are useful later. You've exceeded the average guy by miles just recognizing that you can carry the good stuff forward.

I really do feel for men, for the enormous pressure they face to be and do certain things. Women have their version of that burden, too, but men get a lot less leeway on the things that a bunch of other men decided at some point were the Big Stuff. If you can earn enough to live, treat people well, be self-aware and always keep learning/growing, then you're doing just fine.

I failed to add on my other post that I'm very glad you're on AC. You've found us helpful, but you've also given back. No time wasted here, either.

 

[On the Inside]

One thing that I can try harder at is treating people well. I think it is often perceived that I am aloof, indifferent, if not downright crabby. Like a lot of Aspies, I don't spend much time with pleasantries and checking in with people, so I seem unfriendly. And I know that I've been a poor partner on several fronts, but the need to give oneself over to a relationship has been a big challenge for me.

I also have felt "less than" when giving back to others. Social reciprocation has confused, stressed, and irked me since I was young. I always felt like I lacked the resources, (monetary, emotional, physical) to repay in kind the hospitality, support and kindnesses that I have been fortunate to receive. It is a social equation that I struggle to understand and feel comfortable with. There have been times when I've pushed people away in order to avoid reciprocation and I feel bad about that as well as the imbalance in the given/received columns.

 

[Marycv]

I've had people say I don't try hard enough when it's not even true. It's easier for people to say that for what they don't understand.