People think I am selfish.

[Gerald Wilgus]

*

Until you accept that YOU need to change, your situation WILL NOT change, and you will not get what you're after. Period.

So very true. I was once on that hamster wheel until I did an honest self assessment and started working on myself to come out of the cage autism put me in (undiagnosed at the time). It required me to see my interests as valuable, to like myself and enjoy the world. Then I had to learn to socialize and get off my ass to approach women. A lot of ups and downs there, but by the time I met my spouse, I learned to recognize compatibility, knew how to socialize, and could advocate for my own and a shared happiness.
Think that approaching and asking a woman out is hard? That next step of asking her if she would enjoy sex with you is harder, even if not said directly.

@Tony Ramirez I do not see that you have done any of that work and are capable of an intimate relationship. And, I fear that with your attitude if you do attain that final intimacy and if you do not learn to show a woman that her pleasure is important, you will ultimately fail at that.

 

[Au Naturel]

You haven't actually explained what you mean by "selfish." I can think of a million different things that word can mean. It usually implies wanting to take but being unwilling to give. Or you may just be asking for something "they" (whoever that is) think is inappropriate for you to ask for. Or you might behave in a way that irritates others and "they" assume you just don't care.

In a broader sense, all humans and all human activities are selfish. Some of those selfish activities are considered unacceptable, some are considered virtuous. Sometimes which applies to a person depends entirely on how other people view them.

You need to find out what people mean by "selfish" before you can work out how to deal with it.

 

[LadyS]

Maybe I can pose another question....Do you find any of the advice given helpful at all?

 

[Misery]

You haven't actually explained what you mean by "selfish." I can think of a million different things that word can mean. It usually implies wanting to take but being unwilling to give. Or you may just be asking for something "they" (whoever that is) think is inappropriate for you to ask for. Or you might behave in a way that irritates others and "they" assume you just don't care.

In a broader sense, all humans and all human activities are selfish. Some of those selfish activities are considered unacceptable, some are considered virtuous. Sometimes which applies to a person depends entirely on how other people view them.

You need to find out what people mean by "selfish" before you can work out how to deal with it.

Based on the OP, I'm gonna guess that the comments about being "selfish" are from people who have realized that in his interactions with others, his one and only focus seems to be "get a girlfriend", with nothing else seeming to matter as far as they can see. It'd also fit the general trends of these posts, which often also show a near-total dismissal of anyone who isnt either A: a girl who wants him, or B: someone who will help him get one.

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that there's a number of people on the forum here that have also had this sort of thought, but simply havent really said it (as it is one of those things that sounds kinda mean... even if it's true). Though, I notice that as these topics keep coming, more and more users are expressing some of this.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Your right. Isn't it true most people with ASD don't want to be alone. They want friends and a partner they just have poor social skills so it's much harder to achieve their goal especially the later.

 

[Misery]

Your right. Isn't it true most people with ASD don't want to be alone. They want friends and a partner they just have poor social skills so it's much harder to achieve their goal especially the later.

Ehhh... it really depends on the individual. Even just on this forum, there have been some who have stated that they really want to make friends and such, while others want everyone to stay away from them, preferring to just keep to themselves. And there are those who are sort of in between... appreciating having friends (if they do) and such but not feeling a need to connect all that often, and not necessarily being all that bothered if they happen to not have any close friends at the moment. It's quite a wide spectrum, really.

That's part of what makes ASD such a tough thing to deal with... it manifests differently for each person, so there's no one thing that can just help everyone who has it, and it can be bloody hard to understand. Sure confuses the heck outta me.

 

[Fino]

Has anyone at church talked to you yet about how literally the only thing you need to be content is Jesus? Because that's a common topic, so I feel like it must have been explained to you at some point. Have you read Job? Where he complains and God makes him feel foolish for speaking? And that's after his entire family died, he lost his fortune, and he became violently ill. Do you ever have momentary epiphanies where you feel foolish for all this? Putting women over God? You should be repenting daily.

 

[jleeb05]

I said this in regards to another post but I think we all have to keep in mind that this is a forum for people with autism. Sometimes people are going to behave in ways that seem inexplicable to us. Some people with autism have rigid, inflexible thinking and beliefs. While it may be frustrating, I think there's a fine line between tough love and hostility.

How many people of us are navigating these exact issues? How to make connection? Being misunderstood. These are well-known things that some people on the spectrum contend with and while I know how frustrating it can be to give advice that seems to go in one ear and out the other, change is hard.

That said, Tony, I don't think I've read many of your posts. It sounds as if you've been given some solid advice. If the purpose of this post was just to express your frustration and rant then there's nothing wrong with that (the blog section might also be a good place for this). We don't need to give you advice. We can just provide empathy and acknowledge that you're not alone in some of these struggles.

However, if you are genuinely looking for suggestions, it sounds as if you really need to not only read through some of the responses to your posts but reflect on them and your own behavior. I imagine that you are not a selfish person. Instead, I prefer the term self-focused. It's not that you don't care about others but your focus is inward on your own needs, wants, and desires. This makes sense because they aren't being met. However, the inward focus might be also be preventing you from seeing what's going on externally and making the connections you seek. Are you noticing how people react to you? Are you listening to them? If not, it's no wonder this all seems a mystery. Of course, you don't understand why things are the way there are because you're not paying attention. Being in a relationship is going to require some outward focus.

 

[Markness]

This pretty music describes my problem at Church. I am not alone which is why there are such few singles there that rarely show up.

5 Common Reasons Why Singles Stop Going to Church

I am devoted which got me nowhere going every week but it is fading fast where I am going to skip weeks until I don't bother showing up at all.

Please give a non-alcoholic bar a try. The one I go to has mostly singles but I am making attempts to just talk casually first, especially since I don’t live in Austin. I met a Muslim woman who got out of a bad marriage last time I was there.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Please give a non-alcoholic bar a try. The one I go to has mostly singles but I am making attempts to just talk casually first, especially since I don’t live in Austin. I met a Muslim woman who got out of a bad marriage last time I was there.

Bravo @Markness . It seems that you are now doing well being social and taking the opportunities that you find. I wish you the best happiness after your earlier angst filled posts.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Being in a relationship is going to require some outward focus.

Bingo! That is so very important. And his disdain for couples demonstrates that @Tony Ramirez is not thinking in that direction. The interplay of a good sense of self with that outward focus is crucial to enjoy the sharing of oneself that is required for intimacy to develop in a relationship. Before I really took all that to heart I feel that, while I may have thought otherwise, I could not have been successful in an intimate relationship.

 

[Matthias]

People who are lonely often become self-centered due to focusing too much on their distress at being alone which turns people away. Talking about yourself and your needs too much will result in people telling you that you're selfish.

 

[Markness]

Bravo @Markness . It seems that you are now doing well being social and taking the opportunities that you find. I wish you the best happiness after your earlier angst filled posts.

Thank you. I really hope this is the white light after being in the mouth of infinity.

I was in Tony’s position regarding church. I stopped going and I don’t regret it.

 

[BobMarmaduke]

Just out of curiousity, are you necessarily looking for a relationship or would you be satisfied with just a temporary sexual outlet? Sexual desire can be considered selfish but I don't think you really have to care what people say about that other than keeping your mouth quiet at times. You have to know when to keep your mouth quiet. As far as I know sex can be a selfish desire and many people will line up to tell you it shouldn't be. You keep it secret sometimes along with a lot of things in life. It isn't a hard problem to solve. Having a relationship is a harder problem to solve.