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People think I am selfish.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Tony Ramirez, Oct 25, 2021.

  1. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    Even on this forum I hear this. Just because I want to be in an relationship with an girl but when I go out all I find who want to be my friends are couples. So I am selfish because I want what they want and that their wife is an no go I am selfish.

    I put myself out their just to hear from my friend who is married I am selfish. Going to life group with many flakes and two three couples with one single guy.

    Going to Church on Sunday just to be introduced during the greeting to more couples. Can luck be on my side ones that an girl who is not married greet me and start an conversation. Nope she is married with her husband and again I am told I am selfish.

    Then I go to park hang after service and I am introduced to even more couples with their kids. I left after 20 minutes. If I was to tell my "married" friend he would say I am selfish.

    Now you wonder why I try to find pleasures watching content that turns me on even if it's not good.
     
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  2. Moon River

    Moon River New Member

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    Sorry to hear that :( I know the feeling. It can feel kind of lonely when you want to be understood, you want a relationship, you want someone to "get" you, you want companionship and partnership and like-minded company and support and everything, to be "seen" and appreciated and celebrated by another person for the person you are inside.

    I have just gone through something similar myself. What I came to realize is that the right person will come to me, or the Universe will arrange my perfect person to find me when I am ready inside myself and when the time is right. I do feel that there is a perfect order to this world and everything that happens in it and that gives me a lot of peace. And in the meantime, I've just been meditating and working on deepening my connection with my inside self, and my relationship with God, and that has really been a huge gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving!

    Loving ourselves truly is the best gift I think... in other words approving of ourselves, accepting our different-ness and uniqueness and quirkiness and fun-ness and finding joy in rediscovering those parts of ourselves we might have hidden in the past. I think there's a really cool, special thing about reclaiming those parts and letting them come out, and that's how I see self-love and how I interpret "loving myself" to be like. Then when we can love those parts of us and let them come out, others get to see who we really are and love us, too. And that is I think a really awesome thing, maybe it also helps find the right relationship too!

    I hope this is helpful somehow. I'm writing with the intention of it being nurturing, supportive and helpful but I don't know how you will receive it! Hugs hugs hugs :):):)
     
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  3. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    In the threads of yours that I have read and commented on, I cannot recall you being labeled as selfish. Far from it. What I have seen is a passive person who keeps on doing the same thing and expecting different results. Somebody who cannot recognize opportunities and who is unwilling to try different activities to be social and meet people.

    Even today, women are often not the pursuers. YOU are the one who has to put themself out there, and just showing up just does not cut it. Develop a thick hide, and recognize that you may not be compatible with some you desire. And, it is likely that, as many with ASD, you may not know when a woman is signaling that they are approachable and interested.

    As horrid as it sounds, you need to sell yourself. Every one of us who have found relationships have had to do that. So, how are you selling and advocating for yourself? When looking at you and how you socialize, what would a woman see that would be interesting and attractive?
     
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  4. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    @Tony Ramirez

    Who are the people that are saying you are selfish?
    So far, the only person I've seen on this forum who's
    said you are selfish is you. You are the one saying it.
     
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  5. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don’t recall anyone calling him selfish either. I do get the feeling that he doesn’t read the advice we all take the time to give him, though.
     
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  6. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I am called selfish by my church going married friend. I don't know if I was called that here but I get the same advice here. Should I leave my friends and the Church since I am not pleased. It is the only socializing I do beside talking to my therapist.

    I just hate how couples rub it in which gets me to feel the wrong way. I just can't avoid them. They always say hi to me and want to start an conversation which I am sick and tired of and no I don't want to hear that I don't like people. I don't like people to rub it in.
     
  7. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think you’re confusing your own bitterness and jealousy with couples “rubbing it in.” Sounds to me like they’re simply being friendly and showing good manners. You seem to believe that the world revolves around you—that anyone who has what you want is “rubbing it in,” that single women should show up at church for the sole purpose of approaching you with romantic intentions, etc.

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you’re in need of a serious attitude adjustment.
     
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  8. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    That's exactly what I have been saying I was just called selfish here again. Why the hell can I be happy for a change. I beat most of the people who reply here are in a relationship.
     
  9. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    +100 Agree. With that sour attitude what single woman in their right mind would want to approach that? Especially seeing the disdain towards friendly couples.
     
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  10. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I use to put on an smile but I still only attracted couples. Now I put on an puss and I still attract only couples.
     
  11. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Maybe, maybe not. Those of us who are in relationships, despite our ASD, had to work for it, learn to be social, and learn how to advocate for our happiness in a NT world. So, why are you not listening? You refuse to change, fondling your resentment like "My preciousssss."
     
  12. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    It's hard for me to talk to people I don't know much more with girls I don't know. I don't know how to change that. The issue is small talk those silent moments ruin an conversation just as much as if someone else butts in and talks too.
     
  13. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    This pretty music describes my problem at Church. I am not alone which is why there are such few singles there that rarely show up.

    5 Common Reasons Why Singles Stop Going to Church

    I am devoted which got me nowhere going every week but it is fading fast where I am going to skip weeks until I don't bother showing up at all.
     
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  14. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    People probably just don't understand you, maybe you don't even understand yourself. I have been called selfish and narcissistic before. Don't take it too literal, they may mean you acted selfish only in one moment, not that you are entirely selfish as a person in every possible way. Also accept that anyone can have an opinion of you and they don't need to be right.

    You are autistic and want woman to meet you in a way that's comfortable to your autism. Passively interacting with people had always been safe and worked for me in the past. I need time to get used to people, i wait for them to make the first moved because I myself dont know when to make a move, i can't read whether someone wants to be approached or be friends so I let them make the first steps. But it just doesn't work for most woman which is one of the reasons I am going to stay alone for a long time.

    I'm not sure if it's what going on with the couples that talk to you, but i don't like when people try to be nice to me, i can tell when its some kind of pity thing and they aren't actually genuine. I don't want "hey let's be nice and talk to the weirdo" people.
     
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  15. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You're describing exactly what happens to many of us Tony in terms of communication difficulties, and it's quite true that people may think we are arrogant or withdrawn or uninterested in others due to the communication difficulties we experience in relation to NT norms.

    But still the only way you are going to meet someone is to try some new ideas. This isn't very different at all from going to church. Get involved in an activity that interests you and where you will meet people. Choose something where the meetings are regular and where you are genuinely interested in the activity.
     
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  16. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you’re at church, though, don’t you guys talk about church stuff? When you’re making small talk and run out of things to say, bring up something related to the reason you’re there in the first place: religion.

    I totally get it about small talk and struggling with communication, though. My strategy for that is to ask questions. People love talking about themselves, so if you keep firing questions at them, they will do most of the talking.
     
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  17. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    A lot of women like cats. Maybe join cat groups on FB etc. Then you have common ground. Heck you could even make a FB group dedicated to your cats. Take lots of pics, share fun stories and videos. I've lost count of how many groups dedicated to pets I've seen.

    Could be a new avenue to occupy your time, and also potentially have you speaking to new people?

    Worth a shot at least.

    Also, regarding couples at church, have you considered telling them you're looking to date and seeing if they might have friends? Also, aren't there Christian dating sites and apps etc? If you want to pursue it, keep at it, but explore new avenues etc.

    I know you have prolonged depression and that does create a lot of anger and bitterness etc. I suffer from it to, and it's very easy to start seeing yourself as the victim, whilst still playing out the same routines and bad habits that are holding back progress.

    Ed
     
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  18. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    You continue with that attitude, and I guarantee that no single woman would ever want to approach you.
    So, what is your next step? Or do you still think that places/activities are only valuable when there are single women who will approach an unsociable person?
     
  19. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    And, don't forget that a great entry to meet people/women is to organize an activity. Then you will be seen as a positive resource. I really enjoy organizing trips for the bike and paddling club I belong to. Last one was a nice bike trip on a gorgeous trail where I had a stop at a winery a 1/4 mile off the trail. Then we had lunch in town at the end of the trip and I made it a point to talk to people. Even NTs are sometimes hesitant to approach others, so when you learn to do that and are open to let people talk about themself (learn how to ask open ended questions) and listen, you will have an advantage over the passive who demand that other people do the work for a relationship.
     
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  20. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Yes, this bit here, exactly. Very well put.



    @Tony Ramirez you keep making these topics, we keep answering you, you keep not changing, and this bloody attitude of yours ALSO never changes.

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Until you do something about that attitude of yours.... you're not going to get what you want.

    It's. That. Simple.

    You want someone to approach you? Then become someone who others want to approach. Instead of being constantly bitter and complaining about something you dont have while assuming that it's the fault of everyone OTHER than you.

    Until you accept that YOU need to change, your situation WILL NOT change, and you will not get what you're after. Period.

    I dont understand why this is all so hard to grasp... how many times are we going to go around this bloody hamster wheel?
     
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