parent with aspergers looking for positive parenting examples

[inabox]

Hi,
I am a new parent, and I have aspergers. Currently I am having some unwelcome intervention with parenting. I am going to be just fine, but I will be better off if certain people realise that a person with aspergers can be a perfectly good parent. I am trying to prove at the minute that parents with aspergers do exist and there's nothing to say that having aspergers causes any issues bringing up a child.

Does anyone have any idea where I can locate some examples that will be official enough (I mean news articles, reports, that kind of thing) of aspie parents being loving, caring parents, or the fact that they know what they are doing and are not incapable of loving their child or talking to their child or bringing him/her up to achieve their full potential.?

I've been hunting high and low for actual proof. I know that aspies can make great parents. The trouble here is the people who think they know everything and that having aspergers and successful parenting does not/ can not co-incide. I'm having difficulty finding a way of proving to these people that it's NOT the case.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Considering that reproducing Aspies are something of myth and legend on par with Leprechauns and chupacabras, I'd be very surprised if anybody could dig up an "official" report on us being good parents. After digging through a legion of links for parents of autistic children, I found this. About as cheerful as it's gonna get, I guess.

I do quite like this woman, she is a successful parent, although she got her diagnosis when her daughter was grown. Like pretty much every autistic parent out there. She goes on to describe what it was like for her to be a parent, how she feels her daughter may have been disadvantaged, how her daughter was given an advantage for having an autistic mom, and how she turned out just fine and normal.

My kid is two, and there are some older Aspies here with grown kids of their own. I don't know if your people will respect our commentary, but I'm sure I'm not the only one happy to give an opinion. Everybody from family to nurses has hailed me as a very good mother, except for one person but they got fired from their job not long after for being a very bad person so they don't count.

 

[Naturalist]

I have a son who is now seven years old. I had a very difficult time when he was very small, as I was quite overwhelmed and had no support from family after he was about two months old. I tried to explain the difficulties I was having, but other parents and even doctors were quite dismissive. Long story short, having my son led me to my diagnosis.

There are many times when I feel inadequate as a parent. I panic at the thought of arranging a play date. I hate to be disrupted, and feel resentful if I don't get enough time alone. More often there are times when others treat me as if I should feel inadequate as a parent. They are appalled when I talk with my son about "heavy" topics, or when I don't lie to him because the truth is "uncomfortable". I don't always respond to him as kindly as I should, and I don't always know how to advise him about problems with teachers or friends.

But if you ask my son about me, he will probably not bemoan the fact that his relationship is not the same as the relationship his classmates have with their "normal" moms. He tells me often, "You are the Best Mommy!" I love to sit with him and sort and build with his LEGOs, and we go for walks in the woods and identify animals and plants. We read together. We volunteer at archaeological excavations. We paint and make music together.

I may not be able to offer my son everything he needs, but I am not the only adult who is a role model for him, either. He has a loving father and grandparents, as well as other adults who are friends of his. He knows he can ask any of us for help and support when he needs it.

For what it is worth, I am pretty sure my father is also an Aspie (undiagnosed) and he is awesome, in his quiet, unconventional way. He too married someone who was a complement to both his talents and his deficiencies, and I had a generally happy childhood, and never doubted that I was loved.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Can I ask what relationship these people who doubt you are in, in regards to you? Are they professionals of some sort or relatives or something else?

 

[Kari Suttle]

I'm not a parent and i don't have sources to share, but i'm an aspie and i babysit a little boy full time since he was six week's old. He's two now. The only thing being an aspie made difficult for me was reading him - it took me a while to learn what cry meant what. Longer than most. And as he grew older and more expressive i would have to learn again. But i learned, of course - it just took a little longer. Course he isn't mine either, i just babysit him weekdays while his parents are at work. I think if anything it's taught him to be vocal and use his words when he wants something, and if he doesn't i'll cue him to use his words and tell me what he wants, or to show me.

If anything being an aspie, i think i'm more sensitive to him than i would have been otherwise, and logical. Even when he was still just babbling, he loved me to pieces. One time we had a three day weekend and when i got to his house to babysit him for his dad so his dad could go to work, he just lit up. Dropped what he was playing with and crawled over to me, grinning and babbling his little head off. And he was just starting to babble at that point, he was very shy about it normally. Not a month after i started watching him he would light up whenever i walked in to get him up in the morning. I love him like he were my own little brother, honestly. I don't think he knows or cares that i'm socially awkward, he acts the same around me as he does his parents and sister.

 

[epath13]

Yeah, I also wanted to ask. Why do you need to prove something to somebody, especially about patenting? Not their freaking business I guess because I'm so sweet I rarely had any issues with people doubting my parenting style, but I do have people in my life who tend to give unwanted advice. If it's not a valid advice, I ignore it. Honestly, I don't think you need to prove anything to anybody. One more thing: proving to people that you are worthy rarely lead to a good outcome, because people who ask for it will never be satisfied. Just do what you think is right and what works for you and your child. Just a suggestion, you can obviously do whatever you think is right

 

[inabox]

Can I ask what relationship these people who doubt you are in, in regards to you? Are they professionals of some sort or relatives or something else?

They are "professionals". They like to think they are intervening to "help", only the reality of it is that it is completely the opposite.

Yeah, I also wanted to ask. Why do you need to prove something to somebody, especially about patenting? Not their freaking business I guess because I'm so sweet I rarely had any issues with people doubting my parenting style, but I do have people in my life who tend to give unwanted advice. If it's not a valid advice, I ignore it. Honestly, I don't think you need to prove anything to anybody. One more thing: proving to people that you are worthy rarely lead to a good outcome, because people who ask for it will never be satisfied. Just do what you think is right and what works for you and your child. Just a suggestion, you can obviously do whatever you think is right

I shouldn't have to prove anything because all they are going on is that I must be incapable because I have aspergers. That's it. And they are a bit too set in their ways on that topic in my opinion. They do not back it up with advice or tell me I should be doing this or that, probably because I'm not actually doing anything I shouldn't and I have done everything I should. I'd love to just ignore them, unfortunately it's not following the Schrodinger's principle. If I pretend they are not there, they actually still are and that's bad.
I have no choice but to do something to try to prove to them that they have got it wrong, because they have bad intentions for my son, who I really care about and love, and I just want the best for him, and I want that to be me that's doing it for him. He loves me and likes being around me, I can tell. He yelled for an our straight when I popped out the other day and my Mum looked after him. When I came back he smiled at me and was right as rain again.

 

[inabox]

I do quite like this woman, she is a successful parent, although she got her diagnosis when her daughter was grown. Like pretty much every autistic parent out there. She goes on to describe what it was like for her to be a parent, how she feels her daughter may have been disadvantaged, how her daughter was given an advantage for having an autistic mom, and how she turned out just fine and normal.

It is interesting to read this, thank you.

My kid is two, and there are some older Aspies here with grown kids of their own. I don't know if your people will respect our commentary, but I'm sure I'm not the only one happy to give an opinion. Everybody from family to nurses has hailed me as a very good mother, except for one person but they got fired from their job not long after for being a very bad person so they don't count.

I appreciate your opinion. And I do not find it surprising that you have been hailed as a very good mother, although unfortunately there are some inhabitants of this world who would.

 

[epath13]

Maybe you could try to find a counselor who specializes in Autism spectrum and talk about your situation. I know it may be hard, but you could try somebody who can see how loving and capable you are, and that person would talk to them instead. If you were in Illinois I would give you a number of that kind of specialist.

 

[Balkan1996]

You can show them this thread.

But in the end, who cares about their opinion? What kind of judgemental people are they?

 

[inabox]

Ok. It's going to sound like I'm ranting. These people are really the scum of the earth. I don't mind if people do not know anything about aspergers, but what I do mind is when they make crazy assumptions and mess up people's lives because of it. They really infuriate me.

You can show them this thread.

But in the end, who cares about their opinion? What kind of judgemental people are they?

And I'm not sure if you wanted this kind of answer to your question, but they are the kind of judgemental people who have no right to be judgemental, shouldn't be and do a lot of damage in all sorts of ways to all sorts of people in being so judgemental.
Ok, that kind of was a rant. Rant over.

 

[Balkan1996]

Ok. It's going to sound like I'm ranting. These people are really the scum of the earth. I don't mind if people do not know anything about aspergers, but what I do mind is when they make crazy assumptions and mess up people's lives because of it. They really infuriate me.

And I'm not sure if you wanted this kind of answer to your question, but they are the kind of judgemental people who have no right to be judgemental, shouldn't be and do a lot of damage in all sorts of ways to all sorts of people in being so judgemental.
Ok, that kind of was a rant. Rant over.

You, sir, couldn't explain my point better!

 

[AsheSkyler]

It is interesting to read this, thank you.

I appreciate your opinion. And I do not find it surprising that you have been hailed as a very good mother, although unfortunately there are some inhabitants of this world who would.

Any time. I'll keep an eye out for other resources exhibiting successful autistic parents.

I've had my own run-ins with strange, judgmental people that use whatever negative description they can because either you won't blindly obey them or they just don't like you. Usually no amount of examples of how you don't suck doesn't change their minds, but it can be nice to show it to them anyway.

 

[inabox]

Thanks.

Usually no amount of examples of how you don't suck doesn't change their minds, but it can be nice to show it to them anyway.

I've got to the point where, so many bad things have happened to me, these people have made so many assumptions and done so many things wrong that I'm now going to stop at nothing to make sure I succeed in this.
I've had lots of people comment recently on how I do not seem to give in and they are shocked the fact that I'm even still functioning and still will not give up even after everything that's happened.

 

[Mrsmac]

My husband is an aspie and we have three ASD Children and he has been an amazing dad. Don't get me wrong it hasn't been all plain sailing, far from it. But with his analytical mind and the need for routine we have kept them aiming for the right things. Emotionally he struggles but as far as being there and doing for them he is perfect. I do the hugs kisses and cuddles and dad does the problem solving and get done. We find it works.....most times we have an 18 year old doing engineering and 14 year old twins doing perfectly fine academically, they all struggle socially and emotionally that is the hardest thing to deal with. I think as far as parenting goes myself and my hubby need to pat ourselves on the back. We have done a damn good job of being not only good parents but amazing parents

 

[micho313]

Ironically, I just signed up to post similar questions regarding Parenting. I have 3 children (1 via Ex Wife, not bio related). I ended up in situation where I was awarded custody of the children as my Ex had quite a few issues. My kids are quite fond of me, however I often have issues as a parent with Aspies not conversing or telling them things like I should and this is an area I am hoping to improve. I have had years of issues including constant custody reviews to Children Protective Services. Yet despite Aspies and my inability to communicate on a normal level, the children have remained with me until recently after a 5 year custody dispute we finally went 50/50. My 13 year old lives with me and she constantly tells me that kids are jealous of our connection, that they say I am the "cool" parent. I worry that sometimes my inner dialogue may inhibit my ability to teach "morals" and more obvious things I just dont feel is necessary to communicate. I tend to use my interests to direct the kids and promote exploration.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[Balkan1996]

Ironically, I just signed up to post similar questions regarding Parenting. I have 3 children (1 via Ex Wife, not bio related). I ended up in situation where I was awarded custody of the children as my Ex had quite a few issues. My kids are quite fond of me, however I often have issues as a parent with Aspies not conversing or telling them things like I should and this is an area I am hoping to improve. I have had years of issues including constant custody reviews to Children Protective Services. Yet despite Aspies and my inability to communicate on a normal level, the children have remained with me until recently after a 5 year custody dispute we finally went 50/50. My 13 year old lives with me and she constantly tells me that kids are jealous of our connection, that they say I am the "cool" parent. I worry that sometimes my inner dialogue may inhibit my ability to teach "morals" and more obvious things I just dont feel is necessary to communicate. I tend to use my interests to direct the kids and promote exploration.

I hope this makes sense.

I think every (Aspie) parent worries abou this.

You seem like a person who tries really hard, that makes you a great parent!
How to teach your kids moral values?
There's a million right ways...
Ask them to volunteer somewhere with you, be creative!

You need to understand that CHANGING moral values is hard, even for little kids. We are all philosophers and everyone thinks they are the clever one.
I grew up in family where everything always revolved around money, but I always felt that only through poverty a person can trully be happy. Luckily, I never changed. Unfortunately, them neither.