On having no personal boundaries.

[Thinx]

From what you have alluded to here and what I remember from previous posts, you have been subjected to severe and sexual abuse that was tolerated in your family and extended into adulthood. This level of abuse often has the effect of a feeling in the child within the adult that they must do as they are told by abusers and those who support or tolerate the abusers. This is often purposefully produced in the child through abusive means. I expect you have worked on this in therapy, and it is something to keep awareness of.

This woman, your mother, is not a fit person to trust. Sounds like you as an adult know that on one level, but the child part may not. As adults we can be a better parent to ourselves than the abusive parent was. I hope you can work on that. You need to continue to take steps to protect yourself from this woman and from your abusive family. You owe these people nothing.

 

[paloftoon]

Divorcing your parents and you should probably divorce your family meaning that you don't tell them anywhere about where you're moving in addition to considering some restraining orders as well. Sounds like you can at least manage to pay off what you need to for the remaining time.

Don't answer the door or the phone from your family and either stay locked in your apartment or if offered the opportunity, maybe at a friend's place for an enjoyable night here and there. Once you have the lease settled, send one e-mail to your family asking you for absolutely no contact and that you will contact the police if they bother you outside of financial obligations that you were not able to pay off that affected them.

Even living in a shelter and managing that situation is better than the abuse you are facing now.
There might be free therapists somewhere you could seek if you are in/near a big city where they could help you find resources to help you in your situation.

 

[Pats]

I realize that it's not always feasible to cut someone out of your life. I've also, in the past, had to deal with family members for some reason or the other. If you can't cut her out, learn to deal with her in a way that is better for you. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? And often times, there is a co-dependency behavior where you are not emotionally able to get away from an abuser. She has done some damage in how you think and act - that would be inevitable, so get help for yourself. You don't have to agree or accept what she says as valid because it is NOT.

 

[Ylva]

I think the active resistance options have been covered, so let's get into the passive ones.

What people say is about them, although it's tempting to assume it's about the listener. I have never not been bullied, even before I can remember, but after I learned to not take it personally it's gotten easier to relax around people.

Detachment is fine, really. You owe them nothing, and if you have to in order to keep the peace you can use the NT trick of tuning out their words while still hearing their voice. Their pauses will let you know when to make a noise of some kind to show that you heard them. Predators like your mother love the fact that you listen to their words, because that way they can hurt you.

If you want to go all out you can record yourself saying "uh-huh" at irregular intervals, so that when she calls you can put on headphones and just play the recording.

CBT/Albert Ellis says you don't have to hurt by it again just because you have been hurt by it before. It's a complex philosophy. There are audio books of it on YouTube. Whatever you have used to deal so far is probably fine. I'm sure she knows what tone of voice to use to make sure you feel bad, though, and CBT says you can stop letting it.

Hope you figure things out.

 

[Magpie]

Although at times necessary to divorce the rents (more often than I realized), it can still be painful to let go the tribe. I had to do it. Unexpectedly the rest of the family went too. It would be useful to have a support group in place before you take off. I found this website over the holidays: Stand Alone - supporting estranged adults in everyday life Its validation for those of us who walked away from crazy.

 

[onlything]

You need to leave and the sooner the better. Not sure how it works out with the lease but for your own good, cut these toxic people off as soon as you're able to. Leave the city, even the country if you have to. Get a restraining order.

She has no right to treat you in this way and whatever she says or tries to guilt trip you about - it's not true. You deserve a content life, a quiet place and healthy boundaries. You deserve to be happy.

You'll have to fight just a little bit more before you get there, but you will. It will get better when you're free from that viper.

And please remember you have our support whenever you need it.