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Featured On having no personal boundaries.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by KagamineLen, Jan 8, 2020.

  1. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    My parents raised me to believe that I am supposed to always set myself on fire to keep everybody else around me warm. And they are showing heavy resistance now that I am slowly moving away from that line of thinking.

    I know my mother takes a lot of pride in the fact that she created a parenting environment where she could sit by and watch while anybody could do whatever they wanted to me, and she would always jump in to make sure that I always knew that their wants were always far more important than my need to have any kind of personal boundary. She even tells me all of this to this very day. She claims that she is "very proud" of the fact that she always "played Devil's advocate" whenever somebody violated my boundaries because she thinks I am always too stupid to see the whole picture.

    So, I endured a couple of stalkers during my adult years because my parents always guilted me into keeping these stalkers in my life, by angrily telling me that their happiness was my sole responsibility. When my cousin blatantly stole from my apartment (seriously, the last time I saw the very items that went missing was when I saw him handling them), my mother proudly stepped in and told my uncle that he would never steal from me - she later told me that she felt that my cousin did not deserve to be grounded for the summer over stealing and pawning several hundred dollars worth of video games from me when he was in high school because "he is very unhappy, more unhappy than I would ever know", or something like that. When my sister was stealing from me when we both were in high school, my mother angrily told me I was immature for locking up my valuables instead of continuing to let her take whatever she wanted to her friends' houses so she could trade them for drugs. When I was being brutally beaten by bullies at school, my mother told me I should consider how unhappy the bullies are and that I should try to be their good friend. When I was sexually abused as a young child, she told me I did not understand how hard my abusers' lives were.

    So, basically, I spent most of my adult life being taken advantage of by a couple of creepy stalkers who were using me as their withdrawal-only ATM, always demanding a cut of my SSDI check, always being sexually invasive on top of it all even though I made it clear I did not want that at all, actively trying to drive everybody else in my life away from me to thr point of getting insanely and ridiculously jealous whenever I struck up small talk with a cashier at a store (they would always later tell me that they were the only people who wanted to hear anything I had to say, and they would often tell people that they were sorry about me after angrily making any excuse they could to end the small talk between myself and anybody who was not them because according to them, I was retarded), randomly stopping by my apartment to spy on me through my window, calling me twenty times in half an hour when they knew I was at my PT job, etc. My mother knows about these people. She likes these people, and she always tells me that I never should have cut them out of my life because look at how unhappy and unhealthy they are, and I have no right to be upset about anything they did to me because having personal boundaries in the face of that is a sign of emotional immaturity.

    Yeah, I am feeling incredibly bitter and incredibly angry. I did not have any chance to be well-adjusted when I was growing up. I have the chance now, but my family wants me to keep setting fire to myself to keep the predators warm.
     
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  2. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    So divorce your family. They are unlikely to change their ways.
     
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  3. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    Yeah, the few times I tried that, my mother decided to try contacting my doctors and my employers and tell them that she believes I have decided to stop taking my antidepressants. I am worried about how far she will take it, because she will happily destroy me before she lets me go.
     
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  4. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Get a restraining order barring her from contacting your doctors or employers. You can get started on this by calling the police. I don't think you have to pay anything.

    Also make sure you remove any permissions that may have been in place in the past, for contact with your doctors.

    This is called divorcing your parents.
     
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  5. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    My mother is very proud of the fact that she once kept on harassing one of my therapists even after a no contact order was placed against her. One cannot use rational methods against this level of insanity.
     
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  6. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    GadAbout’s advice is all you need. Block your “mother” on your phone (no more calls, e-mails, or texts). If she calls your employer or harasses you in ANY way, call the police and get a restraining order. She is not all-powerful or above the law. Don’t let her victimize you anymore.
     
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  7. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    Rational? LEGAL. If you get a restraining order and she violates it, she will go to JAIL.
     
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  8. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I sense you don't want to take any action, but just rant. That's perfectly fine, but it helps if you introduce your remarks by saying "this is a rant, I don't want any actual advice."
     
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  9. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    I am not currently in a position where I can simply cut her out of my life. She is the co-signer on my apartment's lease, and I am stuck in this apartment for another several months because of the lease. Once I move into a room for rent and develop full fiscal independence, then cutting her out of my life will be so much simpler.
     
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  10. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    Landlords don’t allow cosigners to back out of a lease. She can’t do anything to you.
     
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  11. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    Really? That might change everything, then. I'll look into my state's laws regarding that. I'm so worried about pissing her off and her having an eviction placed on my rental history that it pretty much is the only reason I am continuing to complain about her. I spent so much time building up a decent credit history that I don't want to let someone like her demolish it in a fit of petty rage.
     
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  12. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    Read through your lease agreement. She can’t just spontaneously decide that she doesn’t want to cosign anymore. She signed the lease agreement. It’s legally binding. No landlord is going to release her from it. That would be crazy. The whole point is to protect them financially in case you stop paying rent.
     
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  13. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    It's possible your rental history could be compromised. So perhaps it makes sense to stay out the "several months," but make sure she doesn't follow you to the next place.

    Is she your co-signor because there is no way you can afford the rent and security deposit on your own?
     
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  14. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    I will definitely look into that, because she is definitely not helping out with the rent - she only co-signed because the rent is half of my monthly income, while signing by myself would require it to be a third at most. She clearly wants me to stay in this apartment because it is close to other relatives, and I have wanted to move out of this place for years only to let her use all sorts of guilt to keep me here with the belief that I should keep setting myself on fire for the sake of the rest of the family. I will start severing ties if there are no consequences like "kill the credit rating" or "have an eviction on my rental history" showing up as a result of that.

    So, yeah, it's basically responsible adulting fears that has been keeping me in the irresponsible victim space, odd how that works.
     
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  15. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I more often hear of overbearing mothers messing up their adult, autistic children's lives, than I do overbearing fathers. I'm not sure why that is.
     
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  16. Schism

    Schism Well-Known Member

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    Traditional cultural norms mostly. Women raise the children, fathers go to work & are rarely seen apart from the discipline aspect. Men can father many children, often with impunity. Women only what their wombs will allow. Women therefore find it harder to accept or let go. They suddenly have no validation in life. Flown nest syndrome.
     
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  17. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I think that's right. Also, I do sometimes see a widowed or divorced mother who wants an adult child to hang around as a chore worker, servant and companion to her.
     
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  18. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    KagamineLen, firstly you don't sound in any way retarded so don't accept that assessment from anyone. You sound quite aware of what's been going on and have presented your situation quite clearly. It's clear that your mother is very toxic and that you do need to get away from her. Once your lease is up, can you consider moving to another state and not telling her where you are? Maybe look into what states provide the most social services help to those on SSDI. But in the interim I agree that it's best for you to remove her from any financial and credit accounts. Perhaps you can have her blocked by your employer- if she is harassing you at work. A restraining order sounds like it's in order also. You have already taken some wise steps like discontinuing your association with the people who were taking advantage of you. If sexual or financial abuse happens again with one of them or someone else file charges with the police against them. Stay strong- you can extricate yourself from this toxic environment and feel better.
     
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  19. Varzar

    Varzar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Co-signing is meant as a type of collateral. Essentially, the rent seems steep for your income, so your mother is agreeing to pay the rent if you fail to do so. The rental agreement is still between you and the landlord. Your mother co-signing doesn't give her any legal authority over the lease..
    When the lease needs to be renewed, she could probably refuse to co-sign again though..

    At least that's how co-signing works around here...
     
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  20. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Wow, she really has held you down and kept you back. So glad that you are finely breaking free. But l get how hard it is financially. She seems to hold you emotionally hostage in a totally narsisstic way. The one thing about this is the compulsive lying with this personality. No contact with a couple restraining orders , but financially, l see where you hesitate to do anything. It's clearly a catch22 situation which she is holding you in.
     
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